Thursday, December 20, 2007

Festivus for the Rest of Us

In between all the organ-removal procedures to get the new Shaque D'Amour, I've been doing very little Xmas shopping. No, that's not just because of the restraining order from the Salvation Army bell. And yesterday they had 2 ringers at the store. Curses.

But I do have some ideas for last minute holiday gifts.

1) Uruguay steaks: seriously, I had no idea steaks came from anywhere other than Omaha, but it's true. Every time you hear a chain saw start, someone in Uruguay is getting a steak. Oh, and they'll donate a box of steaks to the Daily Bread Food Bank if you enter "dailybread" when you check out. I'm not making this up. I just hope the Uruguayan Steak folks don't email me as much as the Omaha fools.

2) Robot Elvis: Only $250 at Sharper Image. If there's anything that says I have too much personal disposable income than an Elvis robot, I don't know what it is.

3) Vibrating Soap: This was gone in less than 2 weeks last year, so I'll have to get a bigger supply.

4) Joo-Ry: I don't know why but women-folk loves sparkly, shiny stuff as much as men like breasts. Don't try to figure it out, just go with it. And in the words of every porn star actress, "Oh, no. They can never be too big."

5) Fruit Cake: The ultimate Xmas prank. It's actually made just by wiping off everything on the counter into the cake batter. Bless you, Jim Gaffigan. Also doubles as a door stop or blunt instrument to assault your in-laws with for staying too long at the holidays. Only give this to people you hate.

6) Booze: Yes, the ultimate gift for people you don't really know but want to appear to be nice to. Nothing says thank you for not going postal on me or wiping you ass on my mail like a nice bottle of hooch for the mailman. Because he's barely got time to read all the mail much less deliver it.

7) Gift Cards: Really, you're confining me to one store? Just give me the cash instead. Yes, like joory, it can never be too big. You may also wish to drop into casual conversation that one time tax-free gifts of $12,500 are now permitted under the tax code when you're sharing that holiday prayer with your parents. That's both subtle and classy.

8) McDonald's Gift Certificates. This is even worse than the gift card. Make sure you write Loser in large red letters on the card. Do they still do the certificate? Or is it the Arch Card now to give the illusion you have a credit card?

9) Clothing: Seriously, don't do this for a man. You're giving us an errand. We're just going to return it and you can't ever get the credit applied to smokes or porn. Extra bonus points for the wrong size, wrong color and extra-itchiness. Not even close.

10) Anything from a gas station. Unfortunately not everyone has your discriminating palate for jalapeno turkey jerky.

Good luck kids. You'll need it.


Cincinatti said...

I don't know about Uruguay, but Argentine beef is FABULOUS! And they do share a border. Kobe beef is awesome, but way too expensive.

How about a nice Swiss Colony Beef Log?

Another thing that might work on your list is soap on a rope. As a kid, that's what I'd get my dad every year.

Sad to say, I'm guilty of most of your list. At least when I buy my hubby clothes, I actually make him try it on before Christmas, so I can save him the trouble of returning it. It's kind of like hiding the Christmas presents you bought for yourself in the trunk of HIS car.

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