Quote of the Week

For a change it's not something stupid I said. It's super agent Drew Rosenhaus while appearing on HBO:

"It's OK for Tom Cruise to make $50 million for a movie. But a guy who risks his life can't get paid a decent wage?"
-- Drew Rosenhaus

Drew is TO's agent. Gosh, playing football equates to risking your life. And a 7 year deal worth 49 million bucks isn't a decent wage.

If TO is an assbag, Drew must be a dickclown.

Crush Men For $

I'm still trying to decide if this is sick, twisted, both or neither.

And to think I had all those ex-girlfriends crush my heart for absolutely free.

Man am I glad that I'm married and don't have to date anymore. Dating = a job interview with the threat of sex.

Another Epiphany

I've got an idea for the Candy King of America.

I don't advocate violence, but I certainly understand it.

Now if the Candy King gets dethroned, I'm so going to be the prime suspect.

I'm no scientist or anything...

I'm no scientist or anything, but I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that this:

Australia seeks to breed test-tube sharks

is not a good idea.

Good thing we've already cured cancer.

Oh well, always more fodder for the Animal Conspiracy.

WTF is up with Altoids

I've gotten 15 spams today from the Candy King of America trying to convince me to sell Altoids in the vending industry. Condoms I get in this venue. But Altoids?

Now this may well be targeted email because I've actually talked about getting into the vending industry. But that's when I was sitting in a bar and saw how many morons were plugging money into some machine to buy "pull tabs." Pull tabs are like instant lottery ticket, but you don't have to wait until the time of the drawing to figure out you lost. I can't remember who said it, but the lottery is a tax upon those who can't do math.

Anyway, I know I never signed up for information about entering the vending industry. And I sure as hell didn't sign up 15 times.

I did send them a very nice note saying, "Would you sons of bitches quit sending out spam?" in each line of their swell online form. I bet it doesn't work. But I'm sure not going to try to unsubscribe to that message.

Pinball Wizard

Have you heard of Brice Mellen?

How do you think he does it?
I don't know
What makes him so good?

He's blind, but plays video games. And he doesn't just play them, he also takes on challengers and kicks almost everyone's ass.

I've got to think getting whacked at a fighting game like Soul Caliber by someone who is blind is a bit of an come down.

I can't believe there's someone out there who really "plays by sense of smell." Freaky, but cool.

Rock on, Brice.

I hope you never take up golf. My ego is fragile enough now.

TO is an Assbag

Now I don't want to get all hyper about a superstar here because football season (when it counts) is over 6 weeks away.

But after signing a 7 year, 49 million dollar deal, Terrell Owens (aka TO) wants to renegotiate his contact. Yup, after just one year, TO wants a new deal.

I can certainly see his point. I mean the Eagles did win the Super Bowl because of TO. Oh wait, they lost.

Well they did win all those playoff games because of him. Oh, wait, he was hurt for those games and the team won without him.

But then TO is just like Jesus. At least according to TO:

"At the end of the day, I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"
-- Blogcritics.org

I think Jesus fulfilled his contact, TO. At least for 33 years. And some would argue he went above and beyond his original deal.

Something to think about TO....

Going Postal

I recently had to go to the Post Office for a package that for some reason the postman wouldn't shove in my mailbox or leave on my porch. I don't know why. Sometimes they'll leave stuff and sometimes they won't. It seems to be completely random. It's just goofy used books from Amazon, but I've got to leave work and go to postal hell.

Now I think the United States Postal Service is amazing. You give them 40 cents and shit magically shows up across the country. In-freaking-credible. People who complain about the price of stamps are full of it. It's practically magic. Take it yourself if you're going to whine.

The post office, the physical hell where you have to go despite all your best planning and wishes, on the other hand, sucks the big one.

Some epiphanies while I was at the post office:

• No line in the universe moves slower than the post office line.
• Why are there so many people here? It's not lunch time for God's sake.
• Why are there so many forms? If we were starting the post office from scratch now, there's no way there'd be this much paper.

A guy in front of me was filling out a form to mail a letter that was larger than his letter. How is that going to get attached to his letter?

We even have a little work station where you can mail a package without waiting in line and without talking to anyone. I'm the only one I've ever seen use it. I stood in line for 20 minutes today and no one even tried to self serve. They'd rather wait in line and talk to the surly clerks. But then if this many people wanted me to help them in a day, I'd be pissy too.

I usually go early in the morning when only the external part of the post office is open. You can buy stamps, open your post office box, mail crap from the little kiosk and get the hell out. The only people who are ever in there that early are me and the homeless guy who pretends to be reading pamphlets when I come in so it looks like he has actual business to transact there and isn't just hanging out trying to stay warm. I'm not fooled.

Golfing With Dead Guys

I'm heading down the delta to the land of crazies. I'm not sure if I'll survive with either my body or my mind intact. This isn't the first one of these sorties I've been on, but this may be the most dangerous.

For the last 8 years I've played in a golf tournament with my 76 year old Father, my 66 year old Uncle and one of my cousins.

The Corner Open (as the tournament is known) consisted of a bunch of old guys who my Pop used to go to high school with in Ohio. So yes, I've got some Ohio crazy in me.

And these old guys literally hung out on the corner of South and High streets every afternoon. Now I've seen the type of ruffians who hang out on street corners. And even though my Pop used to do it before 1950, I can't think it's evolved much. They're not singing doo wop (and I don't think it had even been invented by then) and helping old ladies with their groceries across the street. Even back then they were playing pick up basketball and causing trouble. And I don't think basketball was the only thing they were trying to pick up.

Our team is very carefully selected. My cousin is the ringer, I'm the putter, my Pop is the self-appointed coach whom we all ignore at all times and my Uncle is the great athlete who happens to be the terrible golfer. I used to play softball with my Uncle and he's a bonafide jock. Former Marine, short, quiet, hell of a hitter. Until the ball isn't moving. Then he's flailing and stepping out of the box and trying to hit it into the gap for a triple. And because he's a bit of a hot head, he'll get pissed. This only makes his game worse. And unfortunately, when I'm laughing at him, it doesn't help.

My favorite story about my Unc involves him teeing off. Now because he wasn't yet 65, he had to play from the blue or far back tees. As you get older, they give you a break and let you move up to the white tees. My Uncle hits a really shitty shot that goes about 20 yards straight along the ground. A real worm burner. He starts cursing because we've played about 12 holes by now and it's obviously not going to get any better for him as the day warms up. I believe the exact quote was (and cover your eyes kids if profanity offends you), "This fucking game sucks. I can't wait till next year when I can hit from the fucking white goddamn tees."

To which my cousin immediately pipes up, "Yeah, then your 20 yard shots will be 30 yard shots." Because I'm riding in the cart with my Uncle, I'm trying to stifle my laughter and am not doing a very good job. Again, me not helping.

Now I say the golfing tournament consisisted of a bunch of old guys, I mean just that--past tense. They had to cancel it because so many of the guys croaked that they couldn't get a large enough of a field to keep doing it.

So this year we won't be defending a title, playing for money or catching up with old acquaintances. We'll just be golfing in farm country and I'll get to see my Pop again. And about a million cousins who unfortunately can't golf as well as my designated ringer cousin.

Radio Sucks For a Reason

Sony BMG just agreed to pay 10 very large (that's 10 million US dollars to you non-mob connected readers out there), as a result of New York State Attorney General Elliot Spitzer's investigation of payola to radio stations. Yup, a practice that started back in the 50's is still a "major problem throughout the music industry."

So yes, the reason you hear all the same crappy songs on the radio is that Sony was bribing DJ's and Programming Directors to get that shit on the air.

How bad was it? Well, look at it this way, if Sony BMG voluntarily agreed to a 10 mil fine, it's gotta be smoking gun documents bad. They skipped the trial (the same process that let Michael and OJ off) because they were caught red handed. The investigation to continues against Universal, EMI and Warner.

It's hard to believe that such fine artists as Beyoncé, Britney Spears, Usher, Christina Aguilera, Alicia Keys and Kelly Clarkson aren't being aired "based on the quality, artistic competition, or aesthetic judgments." I'm shocked, shocked to find there's gambling in Casablanca.

Sony spokesman John McKay condemned the practice as "wrong and improper" and said, "We're very, very sorry....that we got caught."

Okay, I made that last one up. You got me, Elliot. You're a regular Thomas Dewey and we know how well that turned out. Your future is still ahead of you.

The Cows Have Turned

While I was spreading the word about the animal conspiracy, I made a mistake. I forgot about the cows. And they've gone to the dark side.

In Croatia a farmer was crushed by the cow he was trying to milk.

The cow "had been very meek." It's an act, baby. The cows are throwing off their chains of bondage throughout history and taking their revenge.

Enjoy your ice cream, buster. Because it's going to be tough to come by soon. Just to be on the safe side, I'm not getting a burger for lunch.

The MOO-vement is here and the cows have us in their sights.

It's So Hot in DC....

Man, some heat wave hitting our nation's capital, Washington DC.

How hot is it?

Well, it's so hot in Washington DC right now that Karl Rove has started leaking freon.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that people are using Teddy Kennedy's head for shade.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that Clarence Thomas isn't the only member of the Supreme Court wearing nothing under his robes.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that people are using Dick Cheney's heart to keep meat from thawing.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that when people say William Rehnquist should be on ice, he already is.

Man, that's hot, I gotta tell you. Thank you, you're beautiful. Remember to tip your bartenders and servers. I'm here all week.

Squirrel Suicide Bombers

As reported previously, the animals are against us. They hate us and are trying to take us out of the top of the food chain any way they can.

Now, they've taken to blowing themselves up to start forest fires.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And if you think that wasn't bad enough, you'd better check your toilet.

Quote of the Week

"How many kids are peeing in your pool? Exactly how many are in there."

--Me, explaining kids, nature, and peeing in the pool to a co-worker who just got a pool.

And I finally remembered to post one of these before I skated for home on a Friday afternoon.

"Yabba, dabba, doo," kids. Don't hurt yourself sliding down the dinosaur to your car.

I Missed It

I've never even heard of this event, but think it's genius.

Amazing that people would rather ride the train and not be an actual participant.

You're Freaking Me Out, Tommy

Tommy Thompson, former Health and Human Services director and the former Governor of Wisconsin is going to get an RFID tag implanted in his body.

Now I always liked Tommy. He seemed to have done some good things for the neighboring state and he did get elected four times. I remember the Wisconsin Works program supposedly being a blueprint for welfare reform.

But this sounds a little crazy to me. I'm not all Mark of the Beast or anything, but why would you get a chip implanted when only two hospitals use it?

My cynical side says that if you make me the CEO of a company, I'll do anything in an effort at shameless self promotion. I've actually seen these work on pets and they're kind of cool.

But getting one just to identify my body if I'm dead? I mean I'll be dead, so I don't care. Now if you could get one that picks up cable? Then I'd totally have staff meetings licked.

Snubbed Again & Again

It looks like I'm not getting the Pistons job either. Early word on the street is that some guy named Flip who's not even a local guy is getting the gig.

Apparently, he lost in the first round of the playoffs for 8 straight years with another team.
Come on. I'm undefeated in both the regular season and the playoffs of the NBA! What a gyp.

Apparently the owner got tired of it all being about Larry and not enough about the team. Pick me, Bill D. I'll be all about the team all the time.

Man, this is turning out to be a rough week. Maybe I'll disrupt the press conference scheduled for noon today. The corpse isn't even cold. Ouch, this one hurts.

Canada Goes Gay

Look for a swell rainbow to be added to that red Maple Leaf, Canada has officially approved same sex marriage. They'll be a run for the border and you better bring flowers.

Canada is only the fourth country in the world to allow same sex marriage. You can still head to the Netherlands, Belgium or Spain if the Great White North isn't your style. Spain? I guess that explains the bullfighting. Putting a sword into a big, charging, bull. Yeah, no one could think that was repression for something else.

I really don't get all the furor over this. I am so ready for gay weddings. They'll be FAB-U-LOUS. It'll be more like a pageant than a wedding. And sure to be some drama. That whole question about whether anyone objects to this union will be fraught with a pregnant pause now to see whether the ex throws a hissy fit.

I just want to own the flower store next to the gay wedding chapel. You'll make a mint. It's all about location, location, location.

The downside to this is gay divorce. Those are going to be a bitch. And you thought the courts were backed up before.

I can't wait for my first gay reception. I'm going to have to start putting some pressure on my gay friends to tie the knot. "You're not getting any younger. He's a keeper. Take the leap. Where's my invitation?"

Snubbed Again

I waited by the phone last night waiting for the call. It never came. Some guy named John Roberts got the gig. Probably a suck up. I mean he did used to clerk for Rehnquist. I wonder if Rehnquist can still remember him?

They're making a big deal about how he's argued 39 cases in front of the Supreme Court. Big deal. I've never lost a case in front of the Supreme Court! I'm undefeated baby.

And people are pouring over every legal decision JR's made to see if they can divine which was he swings on key issues. I'm telling you there's nothing in my history of jurisprudence that's going to get me in any trouble. I'm a clean nomination. I'll sail through the Senate.

They're making a big mistake here, but what can I do. I'm already getting email from my Congressman asking me for my opinion. Yes, it's a little scary that I have the ear of important people who are already pestering me the day after I lost out on the nomination. But they really want to know:

Are you worried that some Senators will try to earn political points instead of giving Judge Roberts a fair hearing?
Yes No Unsure

Do you think it is okay for a U.S. senator to disregard a nominee's qualifications and base his or her vote solely on the nominee's Political ideology -- that is, solely because the nominee is a conservative or a liberal?
Yes No Unsure

Do you think Judge Roberts should be confirmed to the Supreme Court?
Yes No Unsure

I kind of think that he should also be asking me:

Do you like me? Yes No Unsure

It just reminds me of those notes that used to get passed in class. I wonder where my cootie catcher is?

Even though I lost out on a cushy job in DC, at least I'm still in the running to coach the Pistons. I hope someday I can be so valuable to an organization that they'll give me a big check to go away. "You're critical to our success, kid. Here's a wad of cash. Get the hell out."

Scotty, we hardly knew ye

Mr. Scott is dead. Yes, James Doohan has passed away at the age of 85.

Many people who never kissed a girl and still live in their parents' basement are in mourning. Just kidding. It's never easy for me to deal with grief. Mea culpa.

One of the greatest life lessons I ever learned was from Mr. Scott. Never tell the boss how long a project is really going to take. Inflate the time and deliver it early and so they'll think you're a miracle worker.

It's somehow fitting that Mr. Scotty passed away on Moon Day. Death is kind of the final frontier when you really think about it.

We'll miss you, Scotty. *sniff* Beam me up.

Gas Masters

I'm conducting a sociology experiment which proves that people are idiots.

There's a current run on gasoline in the Great Grey North right now. People are waiting in line for up to 30 minutes to fill their tanks before prices go up. This despite that the latest hurricane in the gulf (umm, are we up to Emily already?) won't hit Texas and disrupt gas production.

We think the run is being caused by a new gas station going in front of the new Super Size Wal-Mart (aka Try 'N Save). They just put up their sign today and even though they have no gas currently (it's still under construction) and aren't open for business, they posted the price of gas at $3 per gallon. This, we hypothesize, started the buying frenzy.

Of course you're talking about the fine educated folk who also (before the start of the Iraq war) began hording perishable foodstuffs. Yup, they cleaned the grocery stores out of milk, eggs and cheese. We may be running out of food, but we're going to have bitching omelettes for a week.

Wish I had a pix to post or a story to link to, but take my word for it. It's chaotic hilarity right now. We actually have people leaving the office to go fill up their tanks. Gotta love mob mentality.

Quote of the Week

There's been a lot of unsettled weather in the Southeastern United States lately. This comment is related to that.

"Wow, they'll be picking up beer cans as far away as Florida."

--me, upon learning the Atlanta Motor Speedway had been hit by a tornado

Before you hate me, no one was injured, no I don't watch NASCAR, and according to one article they have condomiums at the track. Yes, you read that right. There are condos at the racetrack.

Has God has had it with wrecking mobile homes (aka "tornado magnets") and is now just going straight to the races to streamline the process?

Can't believe I made a joke about tornadoes and mobile homes. I'm so going to hell.

A Quickie

Q. How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!

I'm not sure why I find that so funny, but I do.

Big Bold Brazilian Bandits

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. A truism of life is "Men Love Boobies."

As exhibit A, the following armed robbery caper from Brazil:

Brazilian bandits pull off big boob job

It's true, I'm not making it up. You like the headline writer's reference to "big" as a double entendre to the size of the caper? That kind of subtle humor isn't lost upon me.

It's more interesting to learn that each implant had a number. Because of this low level registration, anyone with a "hot boobie" (quit laughing, I'm being serious here) could only use that implant for an illegal operation.

Now aside from stealing these for the best paperweight ever, what's the point? Are these faux-torso theives really going to peddle these on the black market for implants? I just have trouble imaging a Brazilian in an alley wearing a trenchcoast whispering, "I got two" to passersby.

Maybe the manufacturer is stealing back their own implants in an effort to cut supply and drive up costs? That's pretty complicated for an implants that only costs $800 per pair. I blame Karl Rove for making me think this deviously.

Jimmy Breslin wrote "The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight." Will this gang with their misbegotten mammaries be known as The Gang That Couldn't Dress Straight? Yes, I admit that was an extremely long way to go for that. Mea culpa.

Just stupid stuff for a hump day....

It's A Small World After All

Major League Baseball trotted out it's "biggest stars" last night in the annual Home Run Derby. Oh, wait a minute, I think it's the Century 21, General Motors, Little Caesar's, Ameriquest Taco Bell, International House of Pancakes Home Run Derby. But I kid MLB just because they've done everything but sell uniform space to whore out for prime time tv.

More egregious to me was the bastardization of the game. They internationalized the competition to get representatives from eight different countries. And they had to stretch to get eight. Hee-Sop Choi from Korea? C'mon, give me a break. He's only got 38 home runs in his career and 13 this year. Ivan Rodriguez was a stretch as well. He's only got six home runs on the year because the Coma, uh, Comerica Park, is a crummy hitters park and Pudge is a doubles hitter not a home run hitter. You could tell it was a bit of a sensitive issue because when they were doing the introductions they didn't show that Pudge only had 6 dingers on the year, but that he had 256 in his career.

At least you're not Canadian. They had to deal with both the loss of the NHL as well as Jason Bay (the Canadian representative) getting shut out in the first round.

At least Bobby Abreu went nuts and hit 24 in the first round. And they were mashes too. Someone his homers were over 500 feet. At least someone was really hitting homers.

Does this format smack of tokenism? I mean you pick the Korean guy to be in the contest just because he's Korean not because he's really a home run hitter. People are being included or excluded because of their country of origin not because of their skill level. Too much thinking for me. I just wanted to eat a hot dog and see some batting practice taters.

I just feel bad for guys who have 20+ home runs and are legitimate sluggers who got shunned to put on this crappy international exhibition. Oh well, I'm sure the millions of dollars a year they get paid to play a kid's game will keep them from crying in their beer.

Pukes of Hazzard

I recently saw a preview of the new Dukes of Hazzard movie while waiting for Batman Begins to finally do so.

Now I can't honestly say I never watched the original series. It did have Catherine Bach in it. And she was wearing those Daisy Duke shorts most of the time. And I obviously watched it enough that the phrase "'Bout then the Duke boys decided to give Boss Hogg a run for his money" is in my head whenever a buddy and I are going to do something stupid.

Despite that early exposure, I know that I will not be exposed to the latest film version of the Dukes of Hazzard.

I will also make some bold predictions that none of the following will ever be said about the movie:

• Feel Good Hit of the Summer
• a taut, psychological thriller that will keep you guessing until the very end
• a performance so textured and nuanced that Oscar will come calling
• rich, luxurious cintematography

I could be wrong, but I'll bet I'm not.

Quote of the Week (a Two-fer)

This week it's not me. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who says stupid stuff around this office.

"Media training is very helpful. I know it helped me in the divorce."

--a fellow Virtucon drone discussing the need to get some new folks media training

Ah, the importance of staying "on message" when discussing thorny issues. Something that will always keep the public affairs professionals employeed.

To the fine people of London, I'm reminded of a quote from someone who was much more inspirational than me:

"We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

--Sir Winston Churchill, 1940 in the House of Commons after the retreat from Dunkirk, France

After surviving the German bombing of World War II, I think it's going to take more than a bit of public transport terrorism to make the Brits back down. They're made from a bit firmer stock than that.

Yabba, dabba, doo. It's quittin' time (try to imagine Fred Flintstone sliding down the dino tail and leaving the rock quarry). That's me, kids. Enjoy the weekend, ya'll.

Friendus Interruptus

My friend is leaving this 'lil outpost of hell in the Great Grey North to move to Connecticut. I'm of the opinion that he's going to stick out like a sore thumb there and have some difficulties adjusting. But I'm keeping my piehole shut about his impending misery.

Let's see how much change he's introducting into his life right now. New job, check. New house, check. New baby, check. Yup, the wifey-poo was supposed to have her c-section this morning at 7:30 am EST. Haven't heard anything yet, but I figure all is well as this is the second spud she's having.

I'm trying to come to some reconciliation that I probably won't talk to him anymore. It was bad enough when he had his first kid and only got worse when we moved across town. He couldn't do the drop by while pretending to walk the kid and sit out on the patio and suck beer and discuss philosophy and all that was right with the world.

Oh sure we'll email, and maybe swap amusing greeting cards on major holidays or birthdays, and we'll always have Paris. (Just kidding about Paris there kids...and I meant the wannabe Olympic site not the skanky hotel heiress).

But we won't have the kind of hijinx like we did at dinner last night. We had to eat at a time so early only old people eat to get the early bird because the wife has to fast for 12 hours before the cutting began. I talked the waitress into free desert for the baby because it was almost his birthday.

We also told the waitress that I was the sperm donor because my friend had a narrow urethera. "He's like a coffee stir stick," I volunteered to the waitress while my co-conspirators were reduced to tears. She had only confused looks for the table but maybe she can look it up later.

It's Gotta Be In The Water

A woman from Bountiful, Utah recently got her face tattooed with Golden Palace.com for ten large. It's true, I'm not making this up.

But just knowing someone got a face tattoo probably doesn't do it justice. It's in great big, bold, black, block letters right on her forehead. Go ahead, check out that picture. I tried to upload it here, but couldn't get it to work. I'll wait.

Hmm, hmmm, hmmm. Back? Okay.

But what has this mother accomplished other than ensuring she'll never have a career in the service industry and getting her son nicknamed "Tattoo Boy?" The money's not even going for college. What's she going to have to have branded when he matriculates?

And if you think that kid isn't going to hear about this the first time he forgets to take out the trash or doesn't do his homework, you're kidding yourself.

"Young man, I did not endure hours of needles being shoved into my face just so you could sit around and play video games! Don't you give me that look. I see your ungrateful face everytime I look in the mirror."

Don't Stand In Front of the Fan

I'm sorry to see Sandra Day O'Connor resign from the Supreme Court. First, as a former 'Zona boy is was great to see some local talent make good. Of course, she did make the mistake of going to Stanford instead of UA Law, but we can't all be smart when matriculating.

No, I'm especially sorry because it's going to be the next political hissyfit we have to hear about in the news for the next few months. I already love how people are handicapping the possible successors and can predict their future jurisprudence. I've got to make sure I block CSPAN on the TIVO so I don't accidentally stumble across any confirmation hearings by accident.

I thought I'd never miss Tom Cruise, but maybe I was wrong....

Rock Stars, is there anything they don't know?

Well the Live 8 concerts are coming up soon. I thought the Live Aid concerts Bob (minus the Boomtown Rats) did earlier fixed everything right? Oh, that's right. They accomplished nothing. I guess I just don't understand how live music fixes international finance. Should have stayed in school. This time we're not raising money (because it doesn't work as a solution to an institutional problem), we're raising awareness. Right.

I think the real tragedy is that Pink Floyd is going to reunite and they only get 15 minutes to play. Are you kidding me? That's not even enough time to fire up a fatty and get through Dark Side of the Moon. This is crazy.

And if we're going to have a big concert for debt relief, how come Bob can't do anything about me and my credit cards. I swear I won't buy all that electronic equipment at Best Buy again, Mr. Geldof.