Brandy You're a Fine Girl

I don't care if they're just ripping off an idea that Brandy Chastain originally had.

They still can't trick me into watching football soccer even if they're doing it topless. That's still not enough to get me to watch.

Yes, continuing the cycle of the objectification of the female breast, Austria's Topless Women's Soccer Team beat Germany's Topless Women's Soccer Team 10-5. Hey, if actual soccer had that much scoring, maybe America would watch.

And the crowd was mostly male. You don't say? Men gathered in a group to look at women's breasts. How long has this been going on?

Apparently the players wore only thongs and had their jerseys painted on. That's not a bad gig for all you aspiring artists out there. Sure beats selling your crappy paintings at some hotel on the weekend.

If I had been in charge of the event...who am I kidding? If I'd have been in charge, there wouldn't have been a soccer game. But I'd have had them wear jockstraps instead of thongs. First, funnier. Second, they need some shoes. It's all about the safety. Some poor girl, a 29 year old bank employee broke her toe nail. And in the typical shoddy reporting we've come to associate with Reuters, they fail to give the name of the bank. How else are we supposed to approach Doris Fastenmeir (isn't German a lovely language?) and see if she'd be open to other "creative" opportunities. Like robbing her bank.

Got ya, didn't I? See that's a Zag. You thought I was going one way and I went the other. It wasn't a boobie joke at all. Don't you feel ashamed now? You'd better send a letter of apology to Doris and tell her how sorry you are.

Quote of the story: "I was supposed to hold the balls but I really have no idea how to do that," said German keeper Jana Bach."

Thanks, Reuters. It's not enough that you fail to provide any pictures (and trust me, we know photogs were volunteering to go cover this story), but you've got to go with a quote that has both a double entendre about balls and making the goalie out to be dumb. Nicely played. Because there's no way she could be gullible enough to be topless in a soccer game and smart. Don't worry Jana, I'm sure there's some nice German man who will teach you the finer points of goaltending and show you how to hold the balls. Maybe you can even bend his Beckham a time or two? Okay, now Reuters has me doing it.

Go put your shirts on, ladies and go play a real sport. Like softball or field hockey or basketball. You know, something we'd really like to watch and not one that ends in a zero zero...I'm sorry... a nil nil tie and then gets settled by penalty kicks. Can't we just go straight to the penalty kicks and hooligan rioting and wrap this up before happy hour?

Now I've got to go to the draft party for my Fantasy Topless WNBA league....