Thursday, June 12, 2008

Once Bit Twice Shy or Stop In the Name of Love

I don't know what's going on in Sweden, but there are going to be a lot of men planning their trips soon if this gets the right kind of publicity.

In Stockholm, a woman is being held for raping a man. I'm not making this up. And while rape is a crime of violence, what this man went through doesn't sound violent in the least.

Let's examine this story in a little more detail....

A 41 year old woman and a 30 year old man met in a bar on Monday night.

Let's just start with that. First, cougar prowl. Rrraw. Go, kitty, go. Second, they're out at the bar on a Monday night. As it's not football season, some school-night shenanigans are clearly going on. And here's the first hint of some sloppy journalism. What's the name of the bar? Everyone is going to want to go there.

The two were hungry and under the influence of alcohol as they made their way home from the bar.

Well, duh. We call that Plan A. And she's getting a home game.

After the man came up to her place, the woman began to make sexual advances toward the man, which he resisted.

While the man isn't identified in the story, I think we can all pretty much agree it's Richard Simmons. "Don't. Stop. Let's not ruin this friendship. I have to go work on my diet pill reviews for my blog. Please, don't be so handsy. I'm not that kind of man. No means no, lady."

After the man refused to have sex with the woman, she then performed oral sex on him against his will.

Now because of the typical shoddy journalism reflected in mass media, we don't know what these folks were wearing. I'm guessing he must have been wearing those tearaway pants the guys on the bench at NBA games use. Because there are several very important steps that have to occur before oral sex is performed on you against your will. Unfortunately, I can't tell you what exactly those are. But this woman, this giver, after having her advances refused, still was able to talk the man into oral sex. Though her part of the conversation was probably pretty muffled. And she must have been fairly convincing as he needs an, ummm, "enthusiasm" shall we say for the act or else it's like pushing rope up a hill. I hope you get my drift. Because this has never happened before. It's not you.

Here's the kicker:

The man called police the next morning to report that he was raped.

Why would he wait until the next day? Might he have been sleepy and needed a nap. Hmmm, what could have caused that? Do you think he slept over or picked up his tearaway pants and ran out the door? Loser. I'm sure he's not doing this for any sort of publicity or notoriety. He just wants to protect other young men who hang out in bars on Monday nights from the forcible advances of older women.

The woman is being held by police while they are deciding whether to press charges. I'm guessing they're holding her very tightly. Maybe even with their hands in her hair. And they keep asking her if she wants a drink. You wouldn't want a dangerous criminal like this to be on the loose.

Now I gotta hit Orbitz and find out how much a plane ticket to Stockholm is.

4 comments:

Reigning Frog said...

LOL re: Richard Simmons.

I have another theory... Maybe he had beer goggles when she did it and was horrified when he saw her in the morning. The best thing he could come up with at that point was man rape.

Tina said...

Hilar.

poor fella. Do they have support groups for this type of thing?

Dani said...

Maybe had a girlfriend and this is how he's justifying it. "Sweetie, there is nothing I could not... she took off my pants...and then..."

You get the drift...

Have fun in Stockholm... wait how will you explain it to your wife?

heartinhand said...

He calls himself a Man.
*snort*
I want to know how much they weighed.