The Child Whisperer

What up, llamas?

I'm often asked for parenting advice. Perhaps it's my keen observation of human behavior. Perhaps it's because I've been smart enough to avoid the guttersnipes in my personal life. Perhaps it's because I'm a gigantic man-child and know how the little buggers think.

But often my friends who are cursed with dependents come to me and ask, "My kid is doing something that's driving me crazy. How can I make the little turd stop it already?"

Now because it's obvious the parent is agitated, I patiently take the child aside and sit down and look him or her in the eyes. It's important to make sure I have their attention. Then I'll introduce them to my friend. My friend is Mr. Stick. Then I'll calmly explain that if they don't knock it off, I'm going to beat them with Mr. Stick until they stop. Be sure to whisper. You don't want to worry the parent. It's what is best for both them and the urchin.

Sure every now and then some kid wants to test me. Or maybe the kid tries to squeal that I've just threatened them with Mr. Stick. The parents and I just laugh and comment about how vivid the little moppet's imagination is. But a little stick session lets a kid know who is the boss. No, not Tony Danza.

This can happen is you don't believe in the power of Mr. Stick. Or this if you prefer peanut butter.

These kids need to meet Mr. Stick. Mr. Stick is the boss. And you'd better get the hell off Mr. Stick's yard.