The Freshman Whisperer

Not everyone understands the wisdom of Mr. Stick.

Some people are so good at protecting their child from reality that college orientations are having to provide the most basic common sense warnings.

Yup, our next generation is so coddled by Mumsy and Poppop that they lack the street smarts needed to get along in real life.

So real live colleges like the University of Massachusetss, Tufts and Boston University have to give the following basic advice for college orientation:

• Don't try to walk across frozen rivers
• Don't play on the train tracks
• Don't drink until you die
• Don't post naked pictures of yourself on MySpace
• Don't lose all your money playing online poker

I wish I'd have known kids like this when I was in school. Because I could have taken all their money playing poker and then bet them double or nothing they couldn't walk across the river.

Because our latest generation is so lacking in street smarts, I thought I'd give them some additional advice:

• Use a condom
• Ignore anything your academic advisor says
• You're not going to open up a little Philosophy Shop
• No one who wants to be your friend the first two weeks of school is really your friend
• No one really cares if you look different
• None of this really matters
• No one cares what you did in high school
• Seriously, use a condom
• Don't obsess about your grades
• Who says you have to like them?
• Just get up and go to class already

I'm sure there are other bits of advice for college kids. I wish someone would have told me what a waste those two years of Russian would be.