My City Was Gone and Replaced by Shopping Malls

It just gets crazier and crazier in Ohio.

This headline is not made up: Woman Has To Get 6 Stitches After Hit With Sex Toy

Apparently, Excell Bradley threw what is described as a "large" sex toy across the room hitting a woman who required six stiches in her eye.

As is typical in cases like this, it's shoddy, lazy journalism. Many unanswered questions remain:

How big is "large?" Over two feet? Having never owned a sex toy (large or otherwise), give me some perspective here.

What kind of toy was it? Was it, ahem, "in motion" when thrown? I don't consider myself naive, but was it a dildo or a vibrator? Cause that's about all I know.

Why was this large sex toy in the room and was it the cause of the argument? I'm doing a lot of guessing here, but if you're throwing a large sex toy "across the room," it's not too difficult to postulate that it might be the cause of the argument. Know what I'm saying, Angry Inch? The woman might have expressed a preference to which Excell did not take well. This could be a complete red herring though. They may have just been fighting and he just grabbed the closest item at hand. Which still probably belonged in a drawer or otherwise out of sight.

Was Excell named after a Windows application? I'm guessing his parents were big accounting fans.

Is Excell being charged with assault with a dead weapon? Maybe Viagra next time Excell.

Was the eye or face the intended target of the large sex toy projectile? Was Excell trying to hit her in the face. Cause this is kind of what got Clinton into trouble. Never go for the facial.

Have police seized the large sex toy as evidence? Or are they just seizing the toy and giggling? How exactly do you tag an evidentiary item like that? String? Glue? Bag it? You just know this is going to wind up on CSI Everywhere next week.

If some of these Ohio journalists just applied themselves, the Pulitzer would be a lock.