Herman the Spokescrab

I really wish I were making this up. Go ahead, I'll wait, but hurry back.

I think that I was a Disaster Action Kid as a youngster. Because a lot of my best laid plans resulted in disasters as well.

Let's see. What did I get in major trouble for?

• Throwing a marble at my older brother and missing him but squarely hitting the tv screen. (Stupid brother)
• Hiding in the cabinet in the hallway while everyone looked for me and I only coming out after they called the police. (I figured if they can't find me, they can't make me go to church)
• Jumping off the teeter totter and sending my best friend to the hospital. (It was just a broken arm and he let me sign his cast)
• Busting out of the kiddie room at church and coming upstairs to see what was going on and kicking open the doors to the chapel and standing there with my hands on my hips like Lord of All I Survey while the whole congregation just stared at me. (I figured something good must be going on up there if they stashed all the kids downstairs; boy was I wrong)
• Emptying all the black powder out of my brother's rocket engines because we wanted to make smoke clouds and pretend i was in KISS. (My friend's eyebrows eventually grew back)
• Peeing on my kindergarten teacher's house. (Unfortunately she was in the house and talking to my Mom on the phone at the time because I had gotten in trouble that day at school)
• Coloring on the coffee table and trying to frame my my brother, but getting caught because I used crayons when I signed his name. (I was trying to teach him a lesson for not letting me hit him with a marble and making me break the tv)
• Leaving a condom in my jeans pocket for my Mom to find before she did the laundry. (I shut my Pop up by asking, "Would you rather I didn't use a condom?)
• Taking my brother's Soap Box Derby car down the hill in front of our house to try to deliver the newspapers on his route faster. (He couldn't play with me because he had to go deliver papers)
• Cutting my own hair because my cowlick wouldn't sit down (It didn't give me any trouble until it started to grow out in a week and then I looked like Alfalfa)
• Going to see The Jackal when I was only 8 because my brother helped me sneak into the theater and then getting in trouble when I tried to assassinate him with my BB gun the next day. (again my brother displayed remarkable dodging abilities but I was smart enough to plan the caper well away from the tv this time)

So I think it's fair to say that even though I didn't have my own personal spokescrab to help me out when I was a kid, we can blame my brother for getting me into a lot of trouble.