Damn Dirty Apes!

Gorillas in the wild have been observed using tools. No word on whether they also wear NASCAR hats and need to pull their pants up.

Uh, oh. I remembered how this ended up when Charlton Heston got captured. omebody better double the guard for the Statue of Liberty and order extra bananas.

Watch the right hand. That's their "flinging" hand.

Doing It For My Country

I have this theory that the Playstation 2 is really a time machine. Because I swear that I can play Madden Football 2006 and an hour is gone in about 2 seconds. Staff meetings, on the other hand, seem to have exactly the opposite effect.

Anyway, our military has begun to use technology to keep our boys and girls out of harm's way.

I figure it's only a matter of time before I get my call up. I always knew that when I was using my video game console to save the world, that one day I'd be spreading democracy.

Quote of the story: "Those PlayStation 2s really do the trick."

I'm not wasting time and playing the only game in which the Detroit Lions have a chance to go to the Super Bowl, I'm doing it for my country. Call me up, sir!

So This Deer Runs Out In Front Of Me....

Hat's off the to the Jacksonville Times-Union for this little gem. Go ahead, I'll wait. Hurry back.

Ambulance, check. Stethoscope, check. Latex gloves, check. Pager, check. Mohawk? Oooh, that's going to make the doctor's disguise a little less credible.

I know exactly why he used the IV and defibrillator on the deer. He hit it and was trying to
resuscitate it. I knew there were too many medical shows on tv and this proves it. Do you think he tried to make the deer sign a waiver. I wonder if there's a little hoof print on some paperwork in the back of the ambulance.

Quote of the story: "It was a little like the Duke boys out there, I understand."

I don't know. If you steal an ambulance, have a deer in the back, are wearing a mohawk and drive through a ditch, does that automatically get you a trip to the psychiatric hospital for evaluation?

This Just In

It turns out that hurricanes aren't caused by global warming at all, they're caused by the Japanese mafia (the Yakuza, I believe) using a Russian electromagnetic generator.

Hey, I'm not making this up, it's some crazy weatherman named Scott Stevens of KPVI-TV in Pocatello, Idaho. It may come as no surprise that the TV station has asked Scott to take a little time out.

I'll guess this explains why ol' Scotty predicted a rain of frogs and locusts last week. If you'd like a little more of the crazy, you can check out Scott's official site. Lots of pix of clouds with arrows, but I couldn't find any mafia anywhere.

A Commandment

Okay, I don't typically preach here because I have to do so much at work because were full of people who fear change, love the status quo, are full of entropy and just resist anything that is new, different or potentially improved.

But I started watching a new show this week. Yes, it's already on the TIVO Season Pass because it's that good. I'm talking about My Name Is Earl. Yup, that's Jason Lee as the handsome devil Earl over there. And yes, that moustache does belong in a 1970's porn movie.

Earl wins the lottery and promptly loses the ticket. He realizes (in a morphine induced haze) that his life sucks because of all his bad karma. In an effort to straighten out his life, he makes a list of all the things he's done wrong and sets out to fix it. Some examples of his prior mistakes? Pantsed a party clown, stole a car from a one-legged girl and let mice out at school play. So Earl's got a lot of wrongs to right.

Despite all the critical hullabaloo surrounding the show, you should watch it. This was the funniest pilot for any show I've ever seen. The writing was stellar for the entire 22 minutes (yup those other 8 minutes in any sitcom are commercials, kids). It was hilarious from start to finish and laugh out loud funny. I had to keep rewinding to hear dialogue that I had laughed over and missed.

You owe it to yourself not to missed this one. Forget about your problems and watch Earl try to atone for all the mistakes in his life. It's a laugh riot.

Quote of the Week

Once again kids, I don't make em up, I just report em.

"The increased intensity of these kinds of extreme storms [Hurricanes Katrina and Rita] is very likely to be due to global warming."
-- Sir John Lawton, chairman of the Royal Commission on Environmental pollution

I love it when people use natural disasters to advocate their political agendas despite the lack of any scientific evidence.

No, Kyle, It's Because You Look Fucking Ridiculous

Thanks to the Houston Chronicle who seems to be doing an ever better job than most major metropolitan papers at reporting on the crazy shit that goes down in their burg.

Let's say for the last 2 1/2 years that you've been employed as "an advertising bird." Yup, that's our assbag du jour over there--Kyle Licnecum. Anybody want to bet that Kyle doesn't have a steady girlfriend?

And let's also say that with some regularity you get assaulted in your job. Sometimes it's just having soda thrown at you or being given the bird. Or it escalates into being beated up by a "gang of skateboard-riding teens" or "pummeled and pushed into traffic."

What would you chalk this up to? The growing decay of our civilization? The breakdown in the governing body's ability to protect its citizenry? The total absence of any modicum of decency in our society?

Nope, the attacks are because of "jealousy."

Now I've never been to Houston and I've never shopped in any Mattresses for Less store. But I think Ghandi might have taken a swing at this assbag.

If you dress up like an idiot and get beaten up while sweltering in the sun and making an ass of yourself and chalk it up to jealousy, I'm guessing your connection to the reality is just a bit tenuous at best. But if that delusion gets you through the day and keeps you from going off the deep end, more power to you young Kyle. Godspeed.

Best line of the story: "It was weird laughter."

For your sake kids, I hope no one was trying to drink anything while reading this story.

Not Just Banging His Gavel

The trial began in the case of former Judge Donald Thompson. You don't remember Judge Thompson? He's the judge who is accused of exposing himself in his courtroom and masturbating with penis pump during two murder trials and a civil trial in 2003.

I guess now we know why Justice is blind.

I'll admit to being a little naive about masturbating in public places, but in a court room? With all that legal mumbo jumbo going on? Unless Latin turns you on, I can't imagine that doesn't disrupt your concentration. But then I'll also confess that my knowledge of penis pumps is limited to what I learned from the first Austin Powers movie. I really didn't think a penis pump was a sex toy, but I'm sure the jurors will be on the edge of their seat for that determination.

Quote of the story: "this defendant committed the same crime over and over and over again."

C'mon, three times? Not if he's 58 years old. If he's 18, I might buy that story.

Second best quote of the story: "prosecutors can admit a photo they say will be used by a witness to identify Thompson's penis."

Umm, that's definitely a line up I don't ever want to see. Can you describe the defendant? Umm, short, bald and pointing a bit to the left.

Can you read that back? Slowly, please, slowly. Okay, enough bawdy talk today, kids.

Herman the Spokescrab

I really wish I were making this up. Go ahead, I'll wait, but hurry back.

I think that I was a Disaster Action Kid as a youngster. Because a lot of my best laid plans resulted in disasters as well.

Let's see. What did I get in major trouble for?

• Throwing a marble at my older brother and missing him but squarely hitting the tv screen. (Stupid brother)
• Hiding in the cabinet in the hallway while everyone looked for me and I only coming out after they called the police. (I figured if they can't find me, they can't make me go to church)
• Jumping off the teeter totter and sending my best friend to the hospital. (It was just a broken arm and he let me sign his cast)
• Busting out of the kiddie room at church and coming upstairs to see what was going on and kicking open the doors to the chapel and standing there with my hands on my hips like Lord of All I Survey while the whole congregation just stared at me. (I figured something good must be going on up there if they stashed all the kids downstairs; boy was I wrong)
• Emptying all the black powder out of my brother's rocket engines because we wanted to make smoke clouds and pretend i was in KISS. (My friend's eyebrows eventually grew back)
• Peeing on my kindergarten teacher's house. (Unfortunately she was in the house and talking to my Mom on the phone at the time because I had gotten in trouble that day at school)
• Coloring on the coffee table and trying to frame my my brother, but getting caught because I used crayons when I signed his name. (I was trying to teach him a lesson for not letting me hit him with a marble and making me break the tv)
• Leaving a condom in my jeans pocket for my Mom to find before she did the laundry. (I shut my Pop up by asking, "Would you rather I didn't use a condom?)
• Taking my brother's Soap Box Derby car down the hill in front of our house to try to deliver the newspapers on his route faster. (He couldn't play with me because he had to go deliver papers)
• Cutting my own hair because my cowlick wouldn't sit down (It didn't give me any trouble until it started to grow out in a week and then I looked like Alfalfa)
• Going to see The Jackal when I was only 8 because my brother helped me sneak into the theater and then getting in trouble when I tried to assassinate him with my BB gun the next day. (again my brother displayed remarkable dodging abilities but I was smart enough to plan the caper well away from the tv this time)

So I think it's fair to say that even though I didn't have my own personal spokescrab to help me out when I was a kid, we can blame my brother for getting me into a lot of trouble.

Pussy Wagon

Hi kids! Long time, no show. I know, I KNOW already. But with the new hurricane bearing down on Virtucon, the confirmation hearings, and me being on crutches and all. What? I forgot to mention that? Okay, I'll post about it later. For now, focus on the world and not on me and feast your lil peepers on this.

'I love you because you have a BMW'

I know that some chicks dig cars and all...but seriously. And I didn't know the Chinese had such a hankering for Kraut-mobiles either. Sorry, but that's what they are.

I think it's funny that the slipshod reporting that goes on in China didn't get the complete story. Well, this reporter (oooh, I love doing that) went the extra mile and got to the bottom of the situation.

The note was left by one Ma Hao Kai (loosely translated as Hoochie Mama). Her hobbies are stalking and talking to the voices in her head. She left the note after watching the owner park his BMW there for several years. She already has their elaborate wedding planned and names for their three children picked out. She'd like to lose her virginity in the back seat of the Beemer and also owns several cats.

If you're wondering about the "brief personal description" the actual note read:

Hi! I really like your car and would like to go for a ride. In the car, ha ha. I have short black hair, brown eyes, am single and crazy. I hope this note doesn't have the sweaty stench of desperation all over it, because I'm really very nice. Do you like me? Check Yes or No below. If you like me, please leave your car unlocked tomorrow and I will sleep in the back seat while you go to work. Yours, Ma Hao.

But this love story does have happy ending. While the BMW owner hasn't yet answered her not, he has begun parking it somewhere else. Playing hard to get obviously......

Quote of the Week

Here it is, kids. I don't make 'em up, I just report 'em.

"I heard from a very reliable source who saw a 25 foot deep crater under the levee breach. It may have been blown up to destroy the black part of town and keep the white part dry."
-- Louis Farrakhan as reported by WCNC Charlotte, NC

I wish I were making this up.

Physician Heal Thyself

So if I'm a multi-million dollar pop-psychologist and hand-holder to the stars who routinely dispenses advice to people via my books, tapes and tv show, what do I do when my son announces he's going to wed a former Playboy playmate?

Just take a look at the happy couple to be. Oh, yeah, that's going to last forever.

Or at least four months. Yes, I'm talking to you Mr. & Mrs. Chesney-Zellweger. Yes, he has to take her name because she is clearly the much bigger star. Hey, I don't make the rules of Hollywood, I just enforce them. An annulment after four months? Ooh, that's got to be worth at least another album of maudlin country music.

But let's not lose sight of our original target. I love that Dr. Phil wrote a diet book called The Ultimate Weight Solution when he seems to look to this reporter (ooh, I've always wanted to do that) at least 25 pounds overweight.

So let's total this up. Kid in doomed marriage, check. Telling others what to do when clearly unable to follow same advice, check. Relentless shilling of books, tapes, dvd's and other merchandise, check.

You're officially my hero, Dr. Phil.

I kid because I care. Actually, Philly Phil isn't so bad. At least he doesn't let you blame others for your problems. He's all about personal accountability which is a welcome relief from people blaming natural disasters on politics, race, religion and the like. Kids, if you EVER thought your government was competent, I've got a book for you. Or a movie if you don't like reading.

It's Good To See We're All Getting On With Our Lives

Jesse H. Jones High School (home of the Mighty Falcons) in Houston, Texas had to be evacuated on Tuesday morning after a fight. See some students formerly from Louisisana and some kids from Texas weren't seeing eye to eye.

Yup, some of the refugees (oops, I used the R word) from Hurricane Katrina (& the Waves) had been relocated to Houston and already enrolled in school.

As KIRO TV reported: The confrontation had been brewing for days and was about "respect and which group of students controlled the school." Kids, don't be disrespecting.

My favorite quote: "They got gangs in Houston. They got gangs in New Orleans. They all coincide right here. I don't want nobody just blaming New Orleans people." First, it's not a gang, it's a club. Second, that's a double negative. Who's teaching English at Jesse Jones High?

And it's good to see that even though our great country can band together to mount a relief effort in the millions of dollars in the event of natural disaster, we draw the line at disrespecting.

Don't disrespect kids or you'll get a cap in your ass. Or at least a pop can thrown in your general direction.

And who is Jesse Jones? Not Jesse James, he was an outlaw in the old West, or Mr. Sandra Bullock. Jesse Jones was a Houston businessman who also has a graduate school (of business of course) also named after him. I'm sure he'd be pretty proud that his entire high school got evacuated for a riot and three kids were hospitalized. Way to make old Jesse proud, kids!

Who is the Third?

It always happens in threes. By that, I mean celebrity deaths.

First Gilligan, then Rehnquist, now Gatemouth Brown bites it.

Clarence (aka Gatemouth) was an awesome Blues guitarist who also played some Cajun music.

Wait a minute, Chris Schenkel just went?

So now that's 4 deaths and that shoots my theory all to hell. Unless I missed two and there are really 6, because this says that Henry Luce III, the son of the founder of Time also went. That's pretty obscure in my book though.

Sorry for all the doom and gloom on a Monday. At least there's football tonight.

Someone at the Emmys Smoked Lunch

I'm finding it hard to believe that anyone thought this would be a good idea:

Stars to Sing in Emmy Idol Contest

Shatner singing? Has everyone forgot the debacle that was Shatner singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds?

And Trump will sing? I guess the hair wasn't enough of an embarrassment anymore.

Here's the official propaganda if you can't wait for next Sunday's train wreck.

My Kind Of Cause

If I have to see more highlights of the New Orleans Saints, kill me quick.

It's just a friggin' football game. It's not a soaring majesty of the triumph of the human spirit. It's what happens when you play a prevent defense with a minute left and the other team has a good kicker. Whatever. Sorry to start with a rant, kids. The final, New Orleans 23, Carolina 20.

Anyway, if you really want to do some good (and that's not cheering for the Saints), go do some drinking today. Yup, a task we all ought to be able to get behind.

Go participate in the Save New Orleans Cocktail Hour. On Monday, September 12th, between the hours of 5:00pm and 7:00pm go have a hurricane and they donate the proceeds. Or whatever else you want. Any excuse for a beverage.

Cheers!

A Sign Of The Apocalypse

Because you watched their shitty dancing show, now we're getting this:

Skating With Celebrities

Dave Coulier, Bruce Jenner, Todd Bridges, Kristy Swanson, Deborah Gibson and Jillian Barberie are hard up enough for rent money to sign on for the festivities.

I know we all want to watch Todd Bridges fall on his ass even more than we wanted to see him get his ass kicked while boxing, but for the love of God, don't watch this. Even on TIVO.

Quote of the Week

I am specifically avoiding editorializing and letting the QOTW speak for itself.

“Folks, you all know I have a rule; I don’t seat all white jurors.”
-- Circuit Judge Evelyn Clay of Chicago, Illinois

(as reported by the Chicago Tribune and in court transcripts)

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Hey, kids. Autumn begins in earnest tonight with Monday Night Football. On Thursday? Er... Okay, so it's a Very Special Thursday Night Edition of Monday Night Football.

After a concert. With some people who have nothing to do with football.

But it's the Rolling Stones Live! Errr, on tape delay from the game. Ummm, from Detroit the night before. Okay, from the 31st of August. But it's still great. It'll be great!

And there are other great musical guests like Green Day and Santana and Maroon 5 and Good Charlotte and Kanye West and Rihanna. Okay, so the last ones aren't anyone you'd ever pay to see, but that doesn't make it any less great.

But Freddy Prinze will be hosting the show. Yup, Fucking Freddy from the Scooby Doo movies. Wow, how did they manage to land Freddie Prinze. Oh, that's right. He's got a new show on ABC. Wow, what a coincidence. The over and under for Freddie's new show is 8 weeks before cancellation. Get your bets in now, people.

But we need to sell advertising for an hour because we don't have episodes of Lost or Desperate Housewives to show you.

Just watch with the sound off. Madden is less annoying that way.

And we'd like to thank our sponsors in corporate whoring: Campbell's, Canon, Coors, Diet Pepsi, EA Sports, GMC, Burger King, DMI, Gatorade, Motorola and Visa. And Sprint. It's presented by Sprint which means they threw the most money at ABC.

I wish I were making this up.

This better be a good game. At least I'll be able to throw things at the screen whenever they show Randy Moss on the sideline.

I Know How Petroleum Jelly Got It's Name

The major gasoline pipline that supplies the East Coast of the US is now operating at 100% capacity. It's true.

And according to FARK, this means that gasoline companies will now have to come up with some other creative way to gouge us.

Movie Stars, is there anything they don't know?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. No, not Men Love Boobies. The gigantic wheel of karma will eventually roll around and crush you.

Sean Penn had to be rescued when the boat he took to New Orleans to assist in the rescue efforts began to sink.

Now I will admit that I don't specifically recall when Mr. Penn received his Red Cross certification to assist in relief efforts.

But taking along a personal photographer? That's the gigantic wheel of karma people.

I know exactly what happened. Anyone who has ever had a boat has at one time took it out without the plug in it. You always take it out to drain the water in your boat (after you're done fooling around for the day) and eventually you'll forget to put it back in. You have to drive around in circles while someone in your boat hops out and gets the plug. If you go fast enough, not too much water will get in your boat.

I think we'll all be better served if we just pony up to the Red Cross. Leave the rescue efforts to the professionals. And leave your photographers at home. We've seen enough devastation.

And I know I'm so going to hell, but I can't help but giggle when I look at Mr. Penn bailing out that boat with a 'lil red cup.

So It Begins

I've decided I'm going to get rich with Mrs. Harriet Mangwana. And I plan on posting our little email dance right here.

Here's what I sent her today:

Dear Mrs. Mangwana:

Thank you for your sincere offer to participate in your spurious business venture. While I have no previous experience or knowledge of international finance, estates and trusts or internet investments, I am honored that you chose me out of all internet users to contact via email.

While I’m not certain how you obtained my email address, you did indicate in your missive that you were doing “private research on the Internet” and that you believe me to be a “sincere and trustworthy person and of transparent honesty.” I’d be very interested in this research as maybe it could increase traffic to my blog and they are severely misinformed. I believe that sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, a lot of things just fall into place.

I am very transparent though. In fact, I’m so transparent that I would like to post our various email conversations on the Internet (specifically at my blog) so that others may learn of your plight. I’m certain that with enough media exposure the heinous crimes of President Robert Mugabe will be brought to light. I will confess that I know little of Zimbabwe other than what I have learned by watching reruns of The Amazing Race. I'm not sure what this says about my trustworthiness as I did exactly the opposite of what you told me to do as soon as I could. But let's move on.

While you have as yet asked for no money directly from me, I have the sneaking suspicion that this is the direction our conversation will eventually lead. I must confess that the majority of my personal disposable income is wrapped up in an exciting business venture – Alpaca farming. In fact, if you’d like to invest some of the 11.5 million dollars you have, I’m sure I could pull a few strings and get you in on the ground floor of an exciting opportunity. In fact, if you have two friends whom you could recruit, I’m thinking the sky is the limit. My business model is based upon the writings of Charles Ponzi. You don’t need much experience—just two friends who are more gullible than you.

Unfortunately, I am unable to provide either my private phone or fax number to you directly, but you may continue to pester me via email directly to this address.

Hugs and kisses,

t2ed

Less Than Two Weeks You Scurvy Dogs

I didn't make this up. I'm just perpetuating it. But it's real.

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Now a quick quiz.

What a pirate's favorite restaurant? RRRRRRRRby's. Ooh, that's smelly.

Don't wait until the last second. Get your pirate name now.

But It's Not A Panther

If your cat went out white and came home pink, would you let him in the house?

It's true I'm not making this up or just doctoring photos. That's creepy, man.

I've got to think someone either nailed kitty with paint, it got a little blood-letting from a smaller animal or had a horrible cotton candy incident.

Now everyone in that neighborhood is going to want a pink cat.

And I'm betting if the New York Post runs this story, the headline with be "Pink Pussy."

Gilligan is Dead

In case you haven't heard, Bob Denver probably best known for his titular role on Gilligan's Island has passed away at the age of 70.

No one ever talks about his role as Maynard G. Krebs, television's first beatnik character on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis. Or even Far Out Space Nuts.

What's really scary is that I didn't have to look those up. I remembered he was in both of those crappy shows. Or any of the many Love Boat or Fantasy Island episodes he did.

I'm actually pretty surprised the rest of the castaways didn't kill Gilligan and put his head on a stake as a warning to anyone who would ruin their escape the island plans. Gilligan would have been nothing but another Piggy on my island. Wow, this took a nasty turn didn't it?

I hope no one from American Idol dies or I'll really go off on a rant.

Waving the White Flag

It's obvious that spam is ruining email. I've been working on the interweb for about 8 years now and it's my professional opinion (and I get paid a lot to be ignored by my company in this space) that RSS feeds are going to displace commercial email. You'll have a small circle of friends who you can talk to electronically and everyone else gets shunned. You'll subscribe to whatever interests you (sports, movies, porn, local news, local porn, etc.) and everything else will just get blocked. We'll move away from a presumption that everyone ought to be able to reach everyone else and we'll move to a closed model. I'm also still waiting for the first Ipod virus or mp3 based variant.

Anyway enough bold new predictions for a Tuesday morning and here's some swell spam I got over the weekend. I haven't decided if I'll write back. This is an old scam that presumably the entire country of Nigeria is involved in perpetuating.

From Mrs. Harriet Mangwana
No: 347 Abercorn Street,
Matabele North Province,
Bulawayo-Zimbabwe.

Please Reply to E-mail: mangwana_harriet@hotmail.com

INVITATION FOR PARTNERSHIP.

Dear Sir,

I am well confident of your capability of executing this transaction for the mutual benefit of both families, believing that you will not expose or betray the trust and confident I am about to repose to you.

I am contacting you with the greatest delight and personal respect. I am Mrs. Harriet Mangwana, the wife of late Dr. (chief) Samuel Mangwana, who was murdered last year of June by the forces loyal to president Robert Mugabe due to their support in acquiring his land and property during the crisis in Zimbabwe last year, which continued and led to the lost of several lives of foreign (white) farmers. For a clearer picture of my story please log on to http://www.zimbabwesituation.com/may4_2002.html.

President Robert Mugabe has started destruction of houses that belongs to people opposing the Brutal Government in power President Robert Mugabe and there supporters. The demolition has left more than 9000,000.00( nine hundred thousand) Zimbabweans homeless and destitute affected more than 2.4 million people there is massive violation of human right that has been undertaken by Harare government as reported on cable network news (CNN) and by the British Broadcasting Corporation (BCC).

I got your contact while I was doing a private research on the Internet, for a reliable person for partnership investment overseas. Believing you are sincere and trustworthy person and of transparent honesty and capable of handing this transaction to the best of your knowledge in assisting my son and I, in Claiming the sum of US$ 11,500.000.00. (Eleven million, five hundred thousand united state Dollars) Into a foreign account for safekeeping pending on arrival to your country for our investment plan.

You may need to know how this fund originated. The sum was inherited from my late husband who was assassinated by Robert Mugabe's aides in view of acquiring his land and property. I got to know of this fund when our family lawyer, approached me few months ago with some documents that my late husband had filed with him in the file, I realized that my late husband (blessed memory) has written a "will" which he specifically pointed my attention and I quote.

My darling wife, I wish to draw your attention to the sum of US$11,500.000.00 (Eleven million five hundred thousand united state dollars) which I deposited with a security company in South Africa. All documents concerning the fund is filed with our family lawyer and you can make lay claim to the fund in case of my absence on earth only by death. I made an agreement with the Security Company that my foreign partner will stand as a beneficiary to lay claim of the money. The beneficiary will come forward to make claim of the consignment.

Dr. (chief) Samuel Mangwana, my late husband advised me through my lawyer that incase if he dies that I should look for a foreigner who will stand as the beneficiary of the fund so that the fund will be transfer to his or her account for partnership investment. From the above you can understand that my future especially that of my son depends strongly on this money. I will like you to assist us in transferring this money into your account for investment.

You can contact my son Jonathan Mangwana on Tel: +27-83-510-36-37, or His e-mail is jo_mangwana@hotmail.com for more details, as they have been to south Africa to arrange with some bankers that will assist in this transfer. For your assistance in this regard, it will interest you to know that we will be willing to come to terms with you regarding your reward for helping us actualize this matter. It is equally important to state here that considering the nature of this matter, we will required that it is handle most discreetly.

Kindly contact us using the above particulars upon receipt of this latter for execution details and other necessary discussion. Your private phone and fax number will be needed for easier communication thank you in anticipation of your trusted and genuine assistance I remain,

Yours sincerely,

Harriet Mangwana. (Mrs.)

Please reply to mangwana_harriet@hotmail.com and try as much as possible to call my son Jonathan Mangwana on +27-83-510-36-37 for more details

Keeping It Light

I'm sure many people have seen the devastation they are running constantly on the network news. So I'm not going to contribute to the continued downer feeling.

But did they really have to interview the 400 pound woman who was complaining about not eating for days? Someone else at a major news organization had to have been giggling too. I'm so going to hell, but then I already had a front row seat.

I also keep yelling at the tv, "Why don't you give them a sandwich, Brian? You look pretty well fed." Maybe if all the news crews had also taken snacks and water, things wouldn't be so bleak.

Give till it hurts, kids.

And the price of crude oil isn't what's contributing to the high gas prices, it's THE OIL MAN fucking us all without lubricant. I'm going to be sure to ride my bike to the inconvenience store this weekend if I need a beer run.

With Many Schoolyard Beatings To Follow

Britney to call her boy London Preston.

At least it's not Apple.

The Only Thing You Can Do

Like a lot of folks, I know some people (co-workers) down in Louisiana.

When I heard that refugees were being evacuated to the Astrodome, I thought, "My God, haven't those poor people suffered enough?" Then I realized that the Houston Oilers no longer play there.

But seriously, give until it hurts:

American Red Cross

Ask your boss to match your contribution. It's what we did.