Two Left Feet

They've announced the cast for Dancing with the Nobodies Stars and I'm really amazed to see that it includes the soon-to-be ex Mrs. McCartney, Heather Mills.

ABC (aka shameless corporate hacks) are positioning the participation of Ms. Mills as a dramatic example of the majesty of the human spirit. It seems a lot more mundane than that. They just want to see if someone with her particular...ummm... attribute can still dance. That's tokenism.

I just hope one of the dances everyone is forced to do is the Moonwalk.

In any event, here's some songs I'm guessing you won't be hearing in the upcoming season:

• Born to Run (Bruce Springsteen)
• At the Hop (Danny and the Juniors)
• The Hokey Pokey
• The Stroll (The Diamonds)
• I Ran (Flock of Seagulls)
• Jump Around (House of Pain)
• Legs (ZZ Top)
• Runaway (Bon Jovi)
• One Step Closer (Doobie Brothers)
• Drop Dead Legs (Van Halen)
• Running down a Dream (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers)
• Jump, Jive and Wail (Louis Prima)
• Hot Legs (Rod Stewart)
• Lean on Me (Ben E. King)
• The Hop (Arrowsmith)
• Walk on the Wild Side (Lou Reed)
• Get a Leg Up (John Mellencamp)
• These Boots Were Made for Walkin' (Nancy Sinatra)
• Come on Eileen (Dexy's Midnight Riders)
• I Get a Kick Out of You (Francis Xavier Sinatra)
• Gimme Three Steps (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
• Boogie Shoes (KC & the Sunshine Band)

All right, I'll shut up now. Yes, I already know I'm going to hell.

Feel free to play along at home, kids.

It's All Academic

Being a heterosexual male, I'm actually not allowed to watch the Academy Awards. Because I am a scofflaw though, I secretly watch the Red Carpet Show so I can mock Ryan Seacrest for being shorter than everyone in Hollyweird and the real show for as long as I can stand it/remain conscious.

Because I play a little drinking game whenever the following occurs:

• Thanking Agent
• Thanking Agent before thanking "Higher Power" (drink twice)
• Obviously intoxicated star
• Gratuitous camera shots of Jack Nicholson
• Consoling the Losers
• Gratuitous camera shots of losers who are not good enough actors to appear non-bitter
• Bad banter between co-presenters
• Crappy singing
• Crappy dancing
• Crappy singing & dancing (drink three times)
• Camera shots of accountants
• Camera shots of ugly dress
• Star who has obviously not bathed today (excluding Ethan Hawke)

Because it's all about the fans. It's not enough that movie stars have the money, the fame, the adoration of millions, the ability to get strangers to have sex with them even in airplane toilets where it's impossible to even stand upright. They need an award to affirm their self worth.

So here are my predictions:

Best Picture: The Queen

Helen Mirren has it in her contract that every time she plays British Royalty, she is required to win an Oscar. Helen Mirren's death grip on Hollywood is so strong that sometimes she wins awards for movies she has not, in fact, actually been in. Besides for some reason Martin Scorsese is not allowed to win an award. He actually stole Oscar's date at the Hollywood High prom and has never been forgiven. And comedies aren't allowed to win so suck on that Little Miss Sunshine.

Best Actor: Peter O'Toole

Peter will win because he got screwed for My Favorite Year when that hack, Ben Kingsley, won for the action adventure prequel Gandhi Goes to Guadalajara. Peter vomits during his speech, tries to start a fight with Peter Finch who has actually been dead for quite some time and acknowledges that he is the father of Dannielynn.

Best Actress: Helen Mirren

Helen's acceptance speech will, however, be disrupted by a drunken Kate Winslett who yells something about "crowning this" while making a obscene gesture at the stage.

Best Supporting Actor: Jackie Earle Haley

In a bit of an upset, Eddie Murphy actually loses to Mr. Haley for The Bad News Bears Go to Japan. And while Alan Arkin is inconsolable after the loss, he is momentarily consoled when Mark Wahlberg unexpectedly shoots Eddie Murphy at the very end of the ceremonies in a plot twist that no one saw coming.

Best Supporting Actress: Abigail Breslin

Jennifer Hudson will have to be tasered when Abigail Breslin wins. Presenter Simon Cowell is heard to utter "Eat It" during the Awards live feed.

Best Director: Helen Mirren

A not so unexpected upset when Alejando Gonzalez Inarritu and Paul Greenglass manage to somehow split the vote for Movies Which No One Has Actually Seen. Clint Eastwood and Martin Scorcese are both hospitalized following a green room duel instigated by accusations of tainted potato salad.

Hoop Dreams

As the last, final, we-give-up-already kid in my family, there's not many photographic recollections of my existence. Oh sure, there's lots of stuff from the oldest daughter who predates me by 18 years. Mom and Pop have stacks of scrap books with her baby teeth and pictures of her first steps and popsicle art from Camp Y Noah (where we would be packed off to every summer so the parents could have "some peace and quiet goddamit.")

There is a gradual decline in the intervening flotsam and jetsam of the two older brothers until finally there's just a battered shoe box from the Johnson administration that contains the momentous events (such as they were) of my kiddom.

So it's with great pride that I present the following swell snapshot from my past. Yup, that's the old man coaching/yelling and apparently posing for a JC Penney's catalog with my basketball team. Fifth Graders to the one of us with the meanest illegal zone defense that league ever saw. We had double screens, out of bounds plays and every other pick up, street ball way to cheat the old man had ever learned the hard way.

Yes, that's me with the bad bowl cut, untucked t-shirt and red Chuck Taylors. Yup, a rebel even back then. I don't roll to no league dress code. Thank goodness the socks aren't pulled up any higher. And those sideburns show that we're locked in the depths of the 70's.

Yup, a "Coaches kid." Just like having your own little field general on the floor: calling out defensive switches, knowing when to take time out, hitting all the free throw shots, setting illegal screens, passing the ball out of bounds frequently from watching too many Magic Johnson highlights. Although back then it was probably Jerry West.

Of course I'm not paying attention. Why? I'm going to shoot as soon as I get the rock. That's "the ball" for you kids who aren't hep to the street lingo of the basketball scene.

No idea who that hanger on in the Mickey Mouse tee is by the way. Probably someone's little bother.

It would be about six more years before reality set in that I was going to be too slow and too small and too bad to do this professionally.

This Just In

I don't know if you've heard, but Anna Nicole Smith is still dead!

Seriously, I don't know why there's such a conspiracy. The media just won't cover this topic. I can't take it anymore. I can't never hardly not turn on a tv and not find any coverage at all about Anna Nicole and her alleged death. Pacifically, I need to know:

• everyone she slept with
• what was in her suitcase at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel
• did her death room at the Hard Rock Hotel really include an orange corduroy couch, a mini-bar stocked with lubricant and glow-in-the-dark condoms, and a leopard-print ironing board
• can I get that room on Friday
• why she dresses as a clown
• what is her baby's blood type
• what is her baby's daddy's blood type
• why did the Kennedy administration order her killed
• where did she want to be buried
• was she ever sober on camera
• was she really that dumb
• what was her favorite ice cream
• did she reject the name Whitetrashina for her daughter
• is stripping really the best way to meet wealthy, elderly men
• how hard is it to force yourself to have sex with wealthy, elderly men
• what was her stripper name
• how much weight did she lose

I have to know why the media won't cover this story.

And I know she had weight trouble in the past, but when I heard the court was having hearings on her remains, that hardly seemed respectful. She might have gained some of that weight back, but surely she wasn't big enough to hold court on her. I know they don't know what to do with her body, but using it hold the hearing on doesn't seem very nice. Sure that nice Bahamian minister wanted to hug her and apparently prospective, alleged fathers certainly had plenty of access, but having court cases on her doesn't seem right.

What? Oh, nevermind then.

I gotta go rent Naked Gun 33 1/3 and look for clues.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Dear Brit:

Hey, B. Thanks for your last email and the picture. I don't care if you are so proud that the curtains match the carpet now, you've got to keep wearing your underwear. When I said you need to go to one of those chi chi McRehab spots, I meant for more than one day.

Seriously, you need to get over this. We're never going to go out again. I'm happily married now and will never come back to dance for you. Just because I said Persis Khambatta, Demi and Natalie Portman looked good with the smooth look, you shouldn't have shaved your head.

If you were a little more discriminating about who you let into the velvet valley, you wouldn't have lice in the first place. When you're hanging out with Paris and you're the slutty one, you've got trouble. If you're picking up her cast offs, you've got to expect you'll eventually catch something.

Why didn't you just send one of your publicists to get some lice shampoo? No one said you had to run down to Rite Aid yourself. No one would have known. Someone is eventually going to figure out why you shaved when they see all the hair care products in the trash.

Hope you are okay and enjoy the Yul look.

Love,

t2ed

All Lindsay, All the Time

T2ed:

Happy Blated Valentime's Day! Thanks you so much for the choclates you sent. No one but me knew they were rum inside. I was able to get a real good buzz going thanks to u. Dina was pissed. HA. Can't beleive she showed up with a bunch of popparazzi with her. Bitch.

I kept sexting (sending sexy text messages) on u but u never answered me. I got so despirit that I started sexting Brody Jenner. Don't be jellus, he's just on the right coast. I couldn't get him to give me any McDonald or love either. I just wanted to fuck and have a Big Macc. Not rilly in that order. HA.

Paris and I hung out at Les Doo on Saturday. Everyone wanted my picchter which was kinda hard because my heels were making it really hard to stand up and keep my eyes open and not slur. Paris is sucha good kisser but too skinny.

The movie I filming sux. I thought Hurbie was bad but this is even worst. I know who killed me. My goddamm agent! He should get 10 percent of my foot in his ass.

Well I gotta go. I heard were getting sum fresh meat tonight. Some big boser witha face tattoo. He sounds sexy. Hope he likes girls and likes to party.

Thanks for getting me drunk. Again.

Luv,

LL

Top Ten Least Popular Candy Hearts

Since we're into the home stretch, here's another lil tidbit for ya'll.

The Top Ten Least Popular Candy Hearts:

10. DO YOU LIKE ME OR DO YOU LIKE ME LIKE ME

9. HAIRY BACK

8. WAY NEEDY

7. BE MY INTERN

6. YOU HAD ME AT WASSUP

5. BI-POLAR

4. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

3. STALKING U

2. U R A DORK

1. I SPEND 12 HOURS A DAY WIRITING THESE STUPID SAYINGS AND SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS.

Also, I did find out from the American Film Institute that the three most romantic movies of all time were judged to be Dr. Zhivago, Gone With the Wind and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Be careful with the love hangover, kids.

Cupid is Stupid or There's a reason it's called VD

As the resident Dr. of Love at the National Sarcasm Society (Like We Need Your Support), I often get asked questions about the quaint traditions surrounding Valentine's Day. As far as you know, I get plenty of questions.

So I put our crack research team (a chimp who knows how to use Wikipedia) to dig up these Little Known Facts about Valentine's Day.

• St. Valentine is actually the patron saint of dancing in public, drunk dialing and unrequited love.


• Necco Brand Candy Hearts originally contained the saying "You Had Me At Wassup" and were originally to be used as antacids.


• In most Greek sculpture, Cupid is depicted not only with his trademark bow and arrow but with a felt fedora and a string of sassy ho's.


• An estimated one billion greeting cards globally are exchanged on Valentine's Day. This is second only to National Battery Day.


• If you buy flowers at a gas station, they will smell like diesel.


• The English invented filled chocolate candy in the 1700's with toothpaste was the predominant filling in an effort to improve local dental hygiene.


• In North America the National Association of Foil Producrs invented exhanging cards in elementary school to move more aluminum used to cover all those shoe boxes.


• The only gift for a woman on Valentine's Day is more.


• Because it began as a Roman fertility rite, Valentine's Day sex will definitely result in conception despite any precaution or preventative. Just like being in the band Menudo.


• The first mass-produced Valentine's Day cards were produced in Worcester, Massachusetts by the same woman who invented Worcestershire Sauce, Ms. Lea A. Perrins.


• The Saint Valentine's Day massacre happened because Al Capone's moll told him she had to stay in to wash her hair.

Enjoy the day, kids. Remember, it's only stalking if they decide to press charges. You never know until you ask them to help you move a couch into the back of your windowless van.

Show me your heart light. Or just despair at the inanity.

A Love Letter

I'm coming for you, baby.

And I'm going to take you for as long as I want.

You can't resist me no matter what you do. You're powerless against me. You're mine and I'm going to control you for as long as I want.

You've never had nothing like me. You're going to be worn out, exhausted and weak in the knees.

I'm going to make you ache, shake, grunt and groan. You're going to beg for mercy. But I'm in charge.

I'm going to drain you. You'll beg for my mercy, but it I will be unrelenting. You're actually going to be glad to see me leave.

All my love,

The Flu

Stupor Bowl

Hope everyone had a good time with the game. You should have been able to amaze the crowd with your knowledge of the history of the game. With any luck you won the pool for best commercial. Of course it was Dave and Oprah.

So in honor of the funniest man on tv.

The Top Ten Ways to Tell You're At A Lame Superbowl Party

10) Your halftime show is Prince Charles
9) You're in Miami......of Ohio
8) Someone in a satin shirt asks when the bowling starts
7) All the clam dip is expirationd
6) People keep yelling "Go, Brett, Go"
5) As you're on the way to the restroom, John Madden comes out
4) Joe Namath gets all sloppy and keeps trying to kiss you
3) You discover Lovie Smith got his name because he's a little "handsy"
2) The only wardrobe malfunction is your fat Uncle Earl
1) People keep saying "Next year the Lions will win it all"

Remember, if you're betting on the Pro Bowl, you've got a problem.

Super Duper

I just heard there's some kind of football game this weekend. Have you heard anything about this? I don't know too much about it so can't really pass along that much information.

There's something unique about the coaches, but I'm not sure what. And the teams are from somewhere in the mid-West, but I haven't heard where. Maybe I can pick up some of this information in the "Tostito's, IBM, Monster.com, CBS 17 hours-o' hype brought to you by Chevy and the Rockem Sockem Robot Commercial that must be shown in a continuous loop during all sporting events" Pre-Game Show.

And while it's extremely difficult to find out anything about the game (including where it is this year), I do have some Little Known Facts about the Most Important Football Game Ever in the past versions.

If you're a novice to Super Bowl parties, make sure to loudly share these Little Known Facts at your party this year and you're sure to be a real hit with all your friends!

• Not originally called the Super Bowl, the game was actually called Nancy.
• The losers of Super Bowl I were put to death.
• The cheerleaders at Super Bowl XIX were men.
• The decision to use Roman numerals to reference the game was made because then NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle was bad at math.
• The National Anthem was not sung until Super Bowl VII. Before then the game began with a stirring rendition of Funkytown.
• Notre Dame won Super Bowl III.
• Teams participating in the Super Bowl are determined by a secret cabal of media and coahces. Just like the Bowl Championship Series.
• More people bet on the commercials in the Super Bowl than the game itself.
• The only television show that has had more viewers than the Super Bowl was Joanie Loves Chachi.
• The team that has won the most Super Bowls is the Detroit Lions with 9.
• Due to his immense popularity, Brett Favre is the starting quarteback for both teams in every Super Bowl.
• The only teams never to win a Super Bowl are the Washington Redskins and the Calgary Roughriders.
• While Peyton Manning is considered one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL, the real athlete of the Manning family is his 7 year old sister Emily. Emily is projected to be the numbr one pick of the Oakland Raiders in April.
• Super Bowl Sunday is the day with the largest incidence of domestic violence in the United States. That's because men won't shut up during the commercials and frequently "sass" on this day.
• John Madden won two Super Bowls while wearing a mansiere.

Enjoy the game, kids. Remember it's not whether you win or lose, it's how many appeteasers you order.