As the resident Dr. of Love at the National Sarcasm Society (Like We Need Your Support), I often get asked questions about the quaint traditions surrounding Valentine's Day. As far as you know, I get plenty of questions.
So I put our crack research team (a chimp who knows how to use Wikipedia) to dig up these Little Known Facts about Valentine's Day.
- St. Valentine is actually the patron saint of dancing in public, drunk dialing and unrequited love.
- Necco Brand Candy Hearts originally contained the saying "You Had Me At Wassup" and were originally to be used as antacids.
- In most Greek sculpture, Cupid is depicted not only with his trademark bow and arrow but with a felt fedora and a string of sassy ho's.
- An estimated one billion greeting cards globally are exchanged on Valentine's Day. This is second only to National Battery Day.
- If you buy flowers at a gas station, they will smell like diesel.
- The English invented filled chocolate candy in the 1700's with toothpaste was the predominant filling in an effort to improve local dental hygiene.
- In North America the National Association of Foil Producrs invented exhanging cards in elementary school to move more aluminum used to cover all those shoe boxes.
- The only gift for a woman on Valentine's Day is more.
- Because it began as a Roman fertility rite, Valentine's Day sex will definitely result in conception despite any precaution or preventative. Just like being in the band Menudo.
- The first mass-produced Valentine's Day cards were produced in Worcester, Massachusetts by the same woman who invented Worcestershire Sauce, Ms. Lea A. Perrins.
- The Saint Valentine's Day massacre happened because Al Capone's moll told him she had to stay in to wash her hair.
Enjoy the day, kids. Remember, it's only stalking if they decide to press charges. You never know until you ask them to help you move a couch into the back of your windowless van.