Sunday, February 25, 2007

It's All Academic

Being a heterosexual male, I'm actually not allowed to watch the Academy Awards. Because I am a scofflaw though, I secretly watch the Red Carpet Show so I can mock Ryan Seacrest for being shorter than everyone in Hollyweird and the real show for as long as I can stand it/remain conscious.

Because I play a little drinking game whenever the following occurs:
  • Thanking Agent
  • Thanking Agent before thanking "Higher Power" (drink twice)
  • Obviously intoxicated star
  • Gratuitous camera shots of Jack Nicholson
  • Consoling the Losers
  • Gratuitous camera shots of losers who are not good enough actors to appear non-bitter
  • Bad banter between co-presenters
  • Crappy singing
  • Crappy dancing
  • Crappy singing & dancing (drink three times)
  • Camera shots of accountants
  • Camera shots of ugly dress
  • Star who has obviously not bathed today (excluding Ethan Hawke)

Because it's all about the fans. It's not enough that movie stars have the money, the fame, the adoration of millions, the ability to get strangers to have sex with them even in airplane toilets where it's impossible to even stand upright. They need an award to affirm their self worth.

So here are my predictions:

Best Picture: The Queen

Helen Mirren has it in her contract that every time she plays British Royalty, she is required to win an Oscar. Helen Mirren's death grip on Hollywood is so strong that sometimes she wins awards for movies she has not, in fact, actually been in. Besides for some reason Martin Scorsese is not allowed to win an award. He actually stole Oscar's date at the Hollywood High prom and has never been forgiven. And comedies aren't allowed to win so suck on that Little Miss Sunshine.

Best Actor: Peter O'Toole

Peter will win because he got screwed for My Favorite Year when that hack, Ben Kingsley, won for the action adventure prequel Gandhi Goes to Guadalajara. Peter vomits during his speech, tries to start a fight with Peter Finch who has actually been dead for quite some time and acknowledges that he is the father of Dannielynn.

Best Actress: Helen Mirren

Helen's acceptance speech will, however, be disrupted by a drunken Kate Winslett who yells something about "crowning this" while making a obscene gesture at the stage.

Best Supporting Actor: Jackie Earle Haley

In a bit of an upset, Eddie Murphy actually loses to Mr. Haley for The Bad News Bears Go to Japan. And while Alan Arkin is inconsolable after the loss, he is momentarily consoled when Mark Wahlberg unexpectedly shoots Eddie Murphy at the very end of the ceremonies in a plot twist that no one saw coming.

Best Supporting Actress: Abigail Breslin

Jennifer Hudson will have to be tasered when Abigail Breslin wins. Presenter Simon Cowell is heard to utter "Eat It" during the Awards live feed.

Best Director: Helen Mirren

A not so unexpected upset when Alejando Gonzalez Inarritu and Paul Greenglass manage to somehow split the vote for Movies Which No One Has Actually Seen. Clint Eastwood and Martin Scorcese are both hospitalized following a green room duel instigated by accusations of tainted potato salad.


Angie T said...

I haven't seen Dream Girls. Was Hudson really that good?

Jamie said...

Your drinking game, is it meant to cause severe alcohol poisoning? I mean, is there any GOOD dancing, singing, or dresses at the things? Talk about a sure night spend with the toilet puking! Ha ha, but my favorite shot is the loser(it's an honor to be nominated) that makes a face!

Wicked H said...

Jeez, you must have one strong liver. I knew I liked you for a reason.

Your picks made me snort my coffee through my nose. A true sign of genious.

Elsa said...

There's no way you're alive right now - not with THAT much drinking!

And, you're about as good as predicting the Oscar winners as Cheney is at predicting Iraq - although your explanations are definitely funnier!

kris said...

Star who has obviously not bathed today (excluding Ethan Hawke)

SERIOUSLY? This is the stuff that makes me angry I didn't find you before your wife did.