You Drive Me Crazy

If you haven't heard about this, you must not be in the metro Detroit area. Because it's what all the cool kids are talking about. Yes, the defensive line coach for the Lions, Joe Cullen, was suspended after being stopped for nude driving and later drunken driving. Yes, those are two separate incidents.

On the 24th of August, Joe Cullen made a run to a Wendy's drive through at 11:15 pm. The man responsible for serving the naked coach, Jethro Lett, summed it up best, "He don't have to say anything, he's butt naked!" Umm, I think that supposed to be Buck Naked, Jethro.

Then a week later da Coach was picked up again. This time for drunk driving when he blew a .12 for his blood alcohol level. Michigan is a .08 by the way.

My favorite part is the ticket he was issued for the first offense. The cop wrote up the offense as "driving on public street without any clothes on. (NUDE)." Thanks for adding (NUDE) in their Officer Friendly. It's that level of governmental efficiency that prevents me from believing in any type of conspiracy theory. The ticket also fails to note if he was properly driving with his hands at 10 and 2. Or was it more like 10 and 6?

What I really appreciate from the team is that he wasn't suspended for driving naked. It was only after the second offense that the team took action. Hey, we don't care if you're clothed if you can stop the run. When you're 0-2, you're not going to let a little something like driving au naturale get in the way of a win.

Now of course I have some questions. And as Coach Joe isn't talking (other than his flacktastic statement the team released and he's very, very sorry....he got caught) to reporters.

But I need to know a few things about naked driving. Do you go to the car naked? Where are your keys then? Or do you get in the car and suddenly decide, "You know what this little trip to the drive through needs? NO PANTS!" In which case then you've got to go fishing for your dough once you get to that window where they cough up your food.

Or was it a case of "I'd like to take a nice drive and get some fresh air. So much fresh air, in fact, that I'm going to take off my clothes." Then you go past a Wendy's and suddenly decide you need a Combo Meal #1 and have completely forgotten that you've removed your apparel during the expedition.

And why Wendy's? If you're driving naked, wouldn't you go to Burger King so you could make a couple of Whopper jokes? Even at McD's you could go with a cheap Quarter Pounder gag. Or an "I got your Big Mac right here."

Now I'll confess to never having driven naked. Although there was that pressed ham incident in college. If anyone has ever done any nude driving, I'd appreciate any insight they could share.