Chia Heavy Petting

One of the fellow drones here at Virtucon actually put down hard earned cash to purchase a Chia Pet. I can only surmise that the people who invented the Chia Pet thought that watching paint dry was too much fun and thought watching grass grow was somehow more soothing. This purchase also signals the dangers of sipping and shopping.

That someone would willingly squander $15 on almost 4 cents worth of merchandise got me thinking. Why can't I get in on the Chia Scam? I've got bad ideas all the time.

My idea -- Chia Ass. It combs with a little tiny comb so you can style the ass hair as it grows out on the cheeks.

But then my secretary had an even better idea--the Chia Groin. Available in both a men's and women's version, you can do your own "landscaping" to make any type of attractive patch you'd like. Not available in Brasil.

You just know these products will set off the religous right. And that means free publicity for the product. These are going to go like hotcakes, kids.

But now I've got that ch-ch-ch-ch-ia jingle stuck in my head. That's got to go.

And now a Chia Haiku:

Ch-ch-ch-chia

Will this get rich quick scheme work?

Please give me your cash.

Who Will Be Third?

I've written about this before, but celebrities always bite the dust in threes. It's a well known fact. And we've got two down with one to go (and unfortunately probably before the end of the year.

#1 was Vincent Schiavelli. That's his lovely mug over there on the right. You may not recognize the name, but you probably recognize the name. He was in such famous movies as One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Better Off Dead and Buckeroo Banzai. Yes, those are listed in order of cinematic importance. You may not have known that Vanity Fair had named him one of America's best character actors and that he had written three cookbooks. He was living in Italy and was only 57 when he died of cancer. Stay away from those smokes kids. They're nicknamed cancer sticks for a reason.

#2 is Michael Vale. Again you won't know the name, but you probably recognize the face. Yup it's the "It's time to make the doughnuts" Guy. Born in Brooklyn, Vale went to drama school with such notables as classmates Tony Curtis, Ben Gazzara and Rod Steiger. To bad for them they got to make a bunch of movies while Mikey starred in over 1300 commercials. A flack from the doughnut maker said Mikey "became a beloved American icon that permeated our culture and touched millions with his sense of humor and humble nature." This character in all those commercials was known as Fred the Baker. I did not know that, said Mr. Carson.

I do know that when I used to drink and dial in school one of my late night classics was waking up someone who didn't go out with us with "It's Time to Make the Doughnuts." That still makes me laugh to this day.

So be on Deathwatch 2005 for the rest of the year, kids. They always go in threes.

But Where's the Gigantic Snow Penis?

You can tell it's still a pretty slow news week because crap like this is still making it into the media. Yup, it's another Xmas display.

This 20 foot tall snowman (check out the house for some perspective) is in Akron, Ohio. For the geographically challenged, that's in the Northeastern part of the state.

I don't know where folks get the time to do this kind of stuff. It's all I can do to get packages wrapped and show up for work.

Now I've got relatives and friends who still live in Akron. And I can tell you one thing I know for certain, liquor was involved.

But if my relatives had pulled this caper off, a baseball bat would have been involved instead of those coal buttons.

You Say Potato, I Say Spud

Here's hoping ya'll scored the sweet Xmas booty and loot you truly wanted. It was truly a miraculous Xmas for yours truly. No clothes at all! The Amazon wish list is truly a godsend.

Wife scored sweet purses and is already using one of them. I was afraid she wouldn't like them as they're a little different. I also had her old diamond from her wedding ring and a pink pearl made into a pendant. She seemed happy and slightly amazed that I had the wherewithal to pull it off. Not from a financial standpoint, but from a style perspective. Because, after all, we men are just bears with pants.

Pre-Xmas dinner was fab as well. Prime Rib (which I've cooked before) with a horseradish sauce on the side and mashed potatoes. I can't believe that in all of my years of being the official chef of Shaque D'amour that I've never mashed a potato. Probably from being a devotee of the baked spud (and laziness).

Simply put, I can't believe any self-respecting home chef would ever mash a spud. Too much freakin' work. Peel, cut, boil, mash, blend, reheat and serve. Way too much work for this lazybones. They came out well, but man, I'm not going through that again. There's a good reason I like the Naked Chef. Low on fuss, high on flavor.

Now I gotta get my shit in gear for New Year's. No party, but Wife is requesting a Night of Romance. Love talk, hot monkey love, then cuddling. I snarkily asked what we'd do after 40 minutes had passed. Crickets in response.

Better get my thinking cap on.

Santa Kicks Some Ass

The Free Market News Network (hey, I haven't heard of them either) is reporting, that Santa not only knows whether you're being naughty and nice. He also knows how to kick your ass if you try any of the rough stuff.

Yep, the Jolly Old Elf himself chased off seven hooligans with an artificial Christmas tree. And he didn't start opening up the can of whup ass either. Apparently the "yutes" (thank you, Cousin Vinnie) knocked Santa down with a shopping cart first. So while Santa has many powers, Spidey Sense to warn him of impending danger isn't one of them.

Quote of the Story: "They were calling me a fraud and a fake. If it had happened on the street, I might have acted differently. I'd have given them a few choice words, but you can't do that dressed as Santa."

A cursing Santa? Never. But a Ninja Santa? Awesome.

Where is Trophy Wife Barbie?

I know we're all supposed to be culturally tolerant, diverse and appreciate opposing viewpoints.

But seriously, wtf. Which doll would you rather play with?

That's Fulla the Muslim doll who is Barbie's counterpart in the Muslim world and is supposed to be the fastest selling toy in the Middle East. Seriously, I'm not making this up.

My guess is that the Xbox 360 can't be found in the Middle East either. So in that sense, we're all alike after all.

Is Fulla also getting a Malibu Dream House, a sports car, or the take along case. If I were Ken, I'd be worried about what's under than burka.

Hope Santa brings you what you want, kids. Even if it is a Fulla doll.

Worthless Narcissist Crap

I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino was nice enough to include two of my little "episodes" in her Best of 2005 list in the Humor and Sports Categories. Thanks for the inclusion.

The two selected entries are:

Rudi in the Sky With Santa

Wie, Wie, Wie All the Way Home

Obviously, there was no scientific voting and no accounting firm audited the results. I think it's mostly just the matter of having smart ass headlines. This is also the reason the NY Post is woefully unappreciated as great literature. But then most of it is fictional.

And in my defense, none my TO rants are included in the Sports category. Of course, I'm not sure a stream of consciousness about how TO is an assbag really counts as a post about sports.

If you want to read some good stuff and not just my early morning ramblings, head over there for some enlightened discourse.

Now This is a Display

I'm not certain if this counts or not.

Gotta love the headline, "Police whack giant snow penis." Wonder if they wore gloves or used lubricant when they were whacking it? They should have thrown milk around afterward.

Quote of the story: Now we're going to get snow penises popping up all over town.

Granted it's nothing as nice as a Santa holding a severed head, but anytime you can say to your parents, "Um, there's a gigantic snow penis on the lawn," that's got to earn you some points.

I can honestly say that when I was dating, I never had a girl like me enough to sculpt a gigantic snow penis on my lawn. But that's probably just as well.

There's a line in "Some Enchanted Evening" that says "once you have found her, never let her go." Basically it's Rodgers and Hammerstein's way of saying, "she's a keeper." I'd say that this young girl is a keeper. Any girl who loves you enough to create a gigantic phallic symbol where everyone in town will see it, probably doesn't embarrass easily. She also had the presence of mind to make it gigantic. High praise, indeed. How you explain to your parents why she's so familiar with the old block and tackle is another story. Probably just give your Dad and wink and mumble something about "moths to the flame" and let him deal with Mom.

And how do I know that "gigantic snow penis" is going to get all sort of search engine traffic for people that really aren't looking for my smart ass blog?

More Scary Xmas Displays

The use of decidely non-traditional Christmas displays is not limited to the confines of Oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping down the plain).

There are also murderous displays in Manhattan. This display is described as:

A scene that includes a knife-wielding 5-foot-tall St. Nick and a tree full of decapitated Barbie dolls. Hidden partly behind a tree, the merry old elf grasps a disembodied doll's head with fake blood streaming from its eye sockets.

Now I'm no psychologist (and don't even play one on tv), but there's a lot going on there. A lot that you don't want to have any part of.

I'll confess to previously being wholly unaware of any of this type of Xmas display prior to this year. And I thought I lived next to some whackos before. Just be happy these aren't your neighbors.

CSI: North Pole or Ho, Ho, Ohhhhh...

If those Salvation Army bell ringers, unending Christmas carols, crowded shopping malls and rude sales clerks are already getting to you, this is for you.

In Oklahoma (where the wind comes sailing down the plain), the Dent Depot in Oklahoma City has a Christmas display you'll definitely want to see. Enjoy the pix and the swell video goodness.
Santa is snuffed and face down on the ground with an arrow in his back. There are also reindeer doing crowd control and crime scene tape. A Grinch holding a bow and arrow will be added to the roof.

Which of course raises the question of whether the Grinch acted alone. Maybe we can hold a congressional hearing into the whole matter.

Ravenous Squirrel Pack

WARNING: NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)

I've written before about how it's been brought to my attention that all animals everywhere want to kill us. Tim Bedore is the genius who uncovered the consipracy.

And while squirrels have usually been confined to providing recon for the larger, biting, killing weapons of mass destruction, that's over. It's time to be afraid, be very afraid, kids. Squirrels have moved from being mere spotters to the front line grunts in the War on Man.

A stray dog was barking at squirrels in a tree. The squirrel response? "They literally gutted the dog," said local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina.

Then they ran away with pieces of the flesh! This tell us that they are barbarian squirrels ignoring the rules of the Geneva Convention on the treatment of war casualties. They're worse than the Taliban! It must be true because it's on the interweb and it's from a Soviet Newspaper.

So watch your chimney or that next barking dog may be you! Do not under any circumstances carry nuts or acorns in your pockets unless you have a death wish.

Everyone Loves Good Head (Lines)

As you can probably tell if you read this lil pile o' goofy on a fairly regular basis, I love a great headline.

I don't think the folks who write for the New York Post get their journalistic kudos for the wacky (and most likely alliterative) headlines they come up with on a daily basis.

And while I'm tooting my own horn, I've managed a couple that bordered on genius (or at least cringeworthy) efforts:

• Wie, Wie, Wie All the Way Home (about Michelle Wie)
• Vikes, Vikes Baby (about the Minnesota Vikings Love Boat sex scandal)
• TO, TO, It's Off the Team You Go (about Assbag Owens)
• Lesbian Cheerleader Bathroom Sex Catfight (about the Carolina Panthers)

Actually, I don't think that last one is that clever, but I think it's funny how it improves my search engine rankings from all the pervs looking for pix. Get over it, boys!

So it was with some delight that I read the St. Petersburg Times actually issued an apology to its readership for too many punning headlines. It's true.

For the record, here are the transgressions of the Times:

• Welcome back, clutter (about junk accumulating in our houses)
• Caws for celebration (about urban crows)
• Ex-es of evil (about politicians and their former wives)

Maybe I can start freelancing for those guys?