Observations From Abroad

Your trusty correspondent has returned from his adventure in the Third World. And while I've been a complete slack ass (in that it took over 2 weeks to get this posted), I'll try to keep this recap short. Because reading about someone's trip to someplace you've never been and probably aren't going to go is even worse than looking at their slides from that trip. Online pictures, strangely, are okay. But man, I remember after a dinner when people would get out the old slide projector, turn off the lights and match you watch slides. It could have been worse, it could have been PowerPoint presentations. Anyway....

Here are the observations from the big excursion:

1) If you decide you have to go to China, don't just go to the airport to buy tickets. There's a whole online world out there that you can use to plan your trip. And when you find out, amazingly, that all six of you can't go to China at the drop of a hat, don't flip a coin because the people behind you don't think you're being whimsical, they think you're being assholes. And if someone wants to send you through Europe to send you to China and tells you it'll take 30 hours, you're getting fucked, but you're too stupid to know it. China is to the West of the US, schmucko.

2) Don't tuck your red corduroy pants into your cowboy boots. Trust me, it's not a good look.

3) Children should never be allowed on an airplane much less in first class. And why are you bringing your urchins on vacation? Leave them with the grandparents so we can all enjoy some peace and quiet.

4) Getting your trophy wife pregnant is bad form. It's bad enough she's trying to do the whole Brittany thing while she's knocked up, but if you have a two year old, a one year old and she's knocked up, we get it already. We're sorry your first wife was so emasculating and that now you have to compensate for it. But as Groucho Marx said, "I love a good cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

5) Seats on an airplane are numbered from one to infinity depending on how big the plane is. If you're in the 30th row, and you get on the plane, then immediately look at your ticket, we know you're an idiot.

6) Memphis rocks. There are even better bands in the alleys of Beale Street than in your whole town.

7) The Jamaican people are the happiest people in the world. Even happier than Canadians when they drink and watch Hockey Night in Canada. I've never, ever, seen a maid sing while doing her job in any other country.

8) Jamaican funerals are freaky. They walk from the church to the burial site because the living are supposed to go before the deceased. Which kind of makes sense, because that guy isn't going to be any help getting a hole dug. And when 200 people are walking on the road toward you, you shouldn't lean out the bus to take picutres of "the parade" because when you finally see the hearse (including a guy riding on top), you look like an ugly American. I'm very glad this wasn't me.

9) Jerk chicken and Red Stripe are the best food combination ever. And can be lived on forever apparently. You'll never get tired of it.

10) Fishing with dynamite is bad for your coral reefs. Just a little tip kids.

11) When you return home, you'll see lots of jerks but not so many jerk chicken shacks.

12) Northwest Airlines is very helpful about booking you on another flight when they cancel the one that would have gotten you home. They do expect you to sleep in the airport though. Tough luck, bud. Okay, so this one really isn't an observation from abroad; it's just an observation.