Half Assed Ideas

One of the advantages of working at a big company is that we have lots of half-assed ideas. Then, all these ideas get tossed into the hopper at team meetings where they have this wave dynamic effect and get even worse when other people have input.

Case in point:

Let's do some charity work as a team-building exercise!

Let's realize we can't agree on charities because some of us don't like Bible Thumping Charities!

Let's realize we're all too busy to take time off for this!

Let's do in on our own time so it won't interfere with work!

Let's realize we've got too much coming up to go together as a team!

Let's read to the blind inidividually!

I said I'd only read to the blind if it were Penthouse Letters.

And all of a sudden I'm not a team player. Guess I won't be able to spend my evenings with the team. My bad. And I used to never believe these stories were true until the most amazing experience happened to me. I was working late at a large, midwestern company....

I'm telling you the Blind would love that!

The Most Annoying Ring Tone Ever

One of my co-workers in our lil coven of Hell here at Virtucon has the most annoying ring tone ever on her phone. It's like this crappy conga song which I know I won't be able to do justice to in this medium but here goes:

duh duh DUH da duh duh Duh

Repeat infinitely.

Now I'm not admitting to ever drinking and dialing, but I know I never called anyone six times in a row!

We all kind of had an impromptu chat about the ethics of going through someone's purse to answer a phone. No one wanted to do it even though she'd probably be cool with it.

Now that stinkin' ring tone is going to be in my head all day.

The List

If you remember Friends, there's a list of 10 people you're allowed to have a crack at even if you're in a relationship.

Because we were screwing around at work, we worked on our lists. We contemplated putting one "local talent" in the list as well, but figured we'd just get in to trouble.

Here (in no particular order) are my top ten along with a little commentary:

Elisha Cuthbert: The most perfect face and eyebrows in existance. She was in The Girl Next Door an absolutely stupid movie that I TIVO'ed just because she was in it and had to fast forward through just to scenes with her in it. And I still mostly watched with the sound off. She was also in Old School. Very pretty.

Lucy Lawless: Yes, from Xena the Warrior Princess. Tall, statuesque and athletic. I think she may be the X gen's Wonder Woman. Though I see she's in some crummy tv movie with locusts. That's enough to get you booted from the list.

Carey Lowell: Tall, short hair, really cute. I fell in love with her in the James Bond film License to Kill. Never watched her on Law & Order. Heard she's hooked up with Richard Gere. That may be enough to boot her as I don't think I've ever sat through a Richard Gere movie. Yes, this includes Pretty Woman. I wouldn't even see Primal Fear with Ed Norton because of the Gere Factor.

Minnie Driver: Maybe it's the accent, maybe it's the chin, but she's fab in my book. She smokes so this won't last between us. And she's trying that singing thing. What's up with that? Loved when she played a lil slut on Will & Grace.

Cybill Shepherd: Simply the best nose in the world. I'll still watch any episode of Moonlighting when she's on it even though they put her in such soft lighting it was like watching through shower glass. Supposed to be high maintenance. Again with the wanting to sign.

Natalie Portman: Another beautiful face. Do we see a trend here? Smart, cute, funny. Fell in love with her in Beautiful Girls when she had a small part and was very young. You could tell she was only going to get prettier as she grew up. Also really good in The Professional. Now everyone is in love with her because of Star Wars.

Daphne Zuniga: Beautiful eyes, skin, face. Was in the Funniest Movie Of All Time: The Sure Thing (when I fell hard for her). I still remember her from a few episodes of Family Ties where she had glasses (YUM) and had a crush of Alex. Couldn't bring myself to watch Melrose Place even with her.

Drew Barrymore: Great sense of humor questionable taste in men. Just my type! Any woman who would flash Dave on his birthday is tops in my book. I like here better as a blonde despite my penchant for brunettes. Great boobies.

Salma Hayek: Simply the best thing in After the Sunset. I first remember her from Fools Rush In with Matthew Perry. Man is she cute.

Keira Knightley: You'll know her as "the girl in Pirates of the Caribbean." Long dark hair, flashing eyes, great legs. She was also in Love Actually with really bad hair in my opinion. Now she's cut it and looks even worse. May be on the bubble.

We'll Always Have Paris

On the great big list of things I don't get, Paris Hilton's fame, television show, continued media exposure and alleged attractiveness get top billing.

One of my buds has a serious crush on Ms. Hilton. She just does nothing for this boy. Maybe I like women with intelligence, breasts, and some type of skills so she can a living. Those are in order also. There's nothing more annoying than being stuck with a dumb person. Sure they're amusing for a while but the stupid questions get on your nerves after a while.

Anyway, Paris and her ex-best friend, Nicole Richie are splitsville. Paris isn't telling why. Thus, I'm filling the void.

Which is the most likely reason they broke up?

a) man trouble (includes Nicole sleeping with an ex of Paris)

b) dog trouble (includes biting, spaying or humping)

c) drug trouble (taking the stash of the other)

d) money trouble (taking the stash of the other)

e) video trouble (either billing in Simple Life 4 or illegally downloading Paris' porn vid)

Any other suggestions?

4/25 Update: Just heard on the radio this morning that the correct answer may be "E."

The rumor is that Nikki was having a party for Paris and was going to run the tape of when she hosted Saturday Night Live. Someone, allegedly Nicole, switched it with her sex vid tape. And Paris was pouty.

Mid-Morning Hijinx

I wrote earlier about what it's like working in the UN. Today our group stuck back.

While our boss is in Vegas at a scaminar...ummm seminar, we moved all the flags into his office.

There's no room at all to get in there now. Wish Virtucon allowed cameras on site because this really deserves a pix post.

Anyway, there are sixty flags on poles in an 8 x 10 office.

Can't wait till his lame ass actually shows up.

The Prank is Mightier than the Pen (in which I get even)

One day at Virtucon, I was stuck giving a presentation to a vendor group (in from Cali) with a bunch of their big hitters. Essentially, I was having to explain how we deployed their literature management software on our internet system and how we're still having difficulty with it despite all their glossy brochures and bullshit answers to our technical questions.

A buddy of mine whom we'll call William is on the intranet side of the wall at Virtucon and was supposed to present some of our internal deployments which also were being a little hinky. So I'm doing outside and William's doing inside. Got it? Good.

The morning of the presentation, William fucks me. Leaves a voicemail that's he's sick, not going to be able to make the meeting, can I cover all of the deployment. I'm fine with it. I know a bit about what's going on inside but not to the extent of William, but I can handle the types of questions I'm likely to get from a bunch of suits.

Presentation goes lamely but fine. These things are like prize fights. If you're still standing when they're over, you can claim you won.

The vendor suits from Cali (three vp's, no waiting) hand out these velvet covered boxes with nice silver pens inside. As William fucked me, he's not there, we've got an extra. So I volunteer to make sure W gets his.

Back in my office, I take out the nice, shiny, silver pen and instead insert a blue, Papermate with no lid that I'd chewed on. Then I left the nice box with the crappy pen on W's chair as I leave for the day.

When he was done laughing, W gave that box to me. I still have it on a table in my office and always laugh when people open up and expect something nice and see that shitty pen.

Benny & the Cardinals

I've got to confess, I'm a little shocked to see Pope Benedict the XVI in charge now.

You can totally tell he isn't a "transitional" Pope as some of the news organizations are reporting. He's a rebound Pope.

You know how you break up with someone and then you fall for the next cute person who shows you some attention. You're on the rebound. It just feels good to have someone to hang out with. So you ignore the little things that annoy you like hygiene and taste and not being crazy.

You know this isn't going to last either.

All Hail Plumeria

At our lil hub o' Virtucon, it's like working in the United Nations right now.

Our Annual Meeting is coming up and we're replacing all the flags in the auditorium. That means all the old flags are going to the garbage and all the new flags are being taken out of the small, conveniently sized shrink wrap packages and strewn about our offices.

And because they've been packed into tiny packages, the flags are all wrinkled. So we've got to iron them first. Especially so we don't piss off some executive whose native flag looks all crappy.

Yes, it was great to come into work and have to take our shift ironing flags. Yup, that degree is coming in handy, Mom. Should nylon be a low setting or a high setting on the old Sunbeam? And since some of our team are very domesticated (some would say housebroken), we threatened to take pictures of a few of them ironing.

Then we're having to put these on flag poles that are about 6 feet high so they have enough time to settle and hang properly after they've been ironed.

And because we've got about 200 flags which we can't even identify, we're also having to try to look some of these up on the internet because we can't tell which country they're from. Oh sure, we get the biggies like Russia and England. But would you know what the flag of Montenegro looks like? Us neither. I thought that was France by the way. C'mon, those are way close.

I also enjoyed making up the names and countries for flags that no one could identify. I had everyone convinced that this was the country of Plumeria. People kind of hemmed and hawed, but I kept asking where they thought we got Plumeria flowers from so everyone shut up. I finally had to tell people it was really Hong Kong before they made the sign and put it up and pissed off someone from our Asian office.

No one would fall for Freedonia which is the made up country in the Marx Brothers classic movie Duck Soup. But then I found the country of Freedonia online which is some guy trying to establish a new country. Of course, we're trying to score a flag and include them as our little inside joke.

I also couldn't convince anyone that Florin and Guilder were real. They're both from The Princess Bride.

Though one person fell for Molvania which was the subject of the parody travel book, "Molvania, A Land Untouched by Modern Dentristy."

This Way Please In Very Small Steps

Someone else has midgets on the brain and she's inspired me to relate my midget story.

My favorite restaurant hired a midget as it's host/greeter. He's stand on a box behind the counter so you couldn't tell he was short until he hopped down and led you to your table. And it always took people by surprise. And he did it intentionally because he loved the look on people's faces when they discovered he was short. He told me so.

Because I went there all the time and it was right by work, we became acquaintances. I wouldn't say friends, because we never hung out together, but we could bs back and forth in the restaurant when it was slow.

He loved to wear wild Hawaiian shirts. His nickname eventually became Baby Shoes and he called me Gulliver. One day he quit and I never saw him again. I like to think he's managing a chocolate factory somewhere.

HAL, I'm smashing the pod bay door!

If you're going to be at the World Expo in Aichi, Japan, will you pick me up one of the new bionic robot suits that gives you super strength?

Scientists have developed a bionic suit designed to help people with disabilities or the elderly to walk. HAL is short for hybrid assisted limb and prototype models actually allow people to lift more weight than they could without the HAL.

I'm scoring one of these and I'm totally going to fight crime with it. My crime fighting name:

HAL YES

That may need some work...

April 1 is for Amateurs

I don't get April Fool's Day. Most of the pranks I've ever seen have been fairly stupid. And it seems like this day just opens it up for Amateur Hour.

That being said, I still love to be on a bus and yell, "Hey, fish tracks" and see how many people I can convince to look.

My other favorite is to call my mom and ask her where something I lost is. It's just like I'm 10 all over again. I don't think she understands that this is a joke because it'll go something like this:

"Mom, where are my socks?"

"Well, where did you last see them?"

"Mom, if I knew that I wouldn't be talking on the phone to you now would I? Oh, here they are on the floor in front of the tv. Why didn't you tell me they were there?"

"I'm sorry, honey."

If it's wrong to torment your parents, I don't want to be right.

Sick or Funny

I don't know whether to think this is sick and wrong or just funny.

Decide for yourself and let me know.

Whomever came up with this probably has front row seats in Hell. Say hi to Johnny Cochrane for me.

Urban Mushing

A friend sent me this: http://www.dogpoweredscooter.com/

I've got to take up the sport of urban dog mushing. I can see the competitive aspect of this already. Iditarod can now occur year-round. The Golden Retriever finals would also be hilarious.

I'm going to need a big dog to pull my ass down to the corner to buy beer. I know there's drunk driving, but drunk mushing has got to be okay.

I'd like to see some pictures of a dog taking off after a squirrel with some poor hapless rider hanging on for dear life.

Basketball Jones

Yesterday I spent Easter in a haze of mashmellow Peeps, beer and men's NCAA basketball. Despite the drama of a third game going into overtime, I survived.

The mighty, mighty Spartans survived double OT with the Kentucky mildcats to earn a trip to St. Louis and the Final Four.

If anyone can seriously doubt that college basketball is better than college football, they smoked their lunch. In basketball they play the games in a tournament rather than let coaches, computers and the media vote on who ought to be the champion.

Unfortunately, this means another anxiety filled weekend of college hoops. I don't know anyone who watches these games calmly. Everyone yells, curses, throws things, jumps up and down and really gets into it. The game just causes passion.

I think Seinfeld said it best, "You're just cheering for laundry." Loyalty based on colors and uniforms.

Paradise Found

There's a line in Ferris Bueller's Day Off where Matthew Broderick breaks the wall and talks about stealing the Ferrari to go into Chicago. He says, "If you have the means, I certainly recommend picking one up."

Just back from two weeks in Kona, da Big Island, Hawaii. If you have the means, I certainly suggest a trip there. For me, the means meant hoarding my frequent flyer miles until I could afford a first class ticket and scouring the web for a cheap condo.

It's amazing. Kona coffee roasting on the farms, waves crashing on the lava rock, palm trees waving in the wind, snorkeling every day with green sea turtles and spinner dolphins, watching whales breach and send water cascading into the air, hiking into rain forests and erupting lava the same day. You owe it yourself to go. And it's a long freaking haul from the East coast. You will be on planes seemingly forever and getting home is worse because of the time change. Just try to be drunk the whole time.

No 'puter time for me either. Didn't bring a laptop to post and didn't hit a net cafe to even check email.

I'll try to get my shit in gear and post some pix, but no promises.

I'm here for you, Denise

In case you hadn't heard, Denise Richards has filed for divorce from her husband Charlie Sheen.

Yes, if you had less than three years in the divorce pool, you may be a winner.

Does this mean Denise is even more of a pain in the ass than we were all led to believe or that Charlie is an even bigger assbag than he plays on tv?

While I don't want kids, I'm here for you Denise. I know you're six months pregnant and already have one precious tot from bad Dad, Charlie. I don't care. I've had a crush on you ever since I had the misfortune to see Starship Troopers. Didn't know who you were, knew you couldn't act, but god you have a beautiful smile.

As long as you promise not to take any more roles as a nuclear physicist and strain the credibility of the Bond series any further, I'll make you an honest woman.

Ummm,, can we invite Neve Campbell to the wedding? Okay, okay, just asking.

Holy Cannoli

Finally finished watching the first episode of The Amazing Race last night thanks to the magical powers of Tivo -- device of the gods. I do not know why watching strangers get lost, mangle foreign languages (and often English), and the randomness of which cab you pick often determining the outcome of the race is so entertaining to me.

Anyway, it's been determined that I do an awesome impression of Rob (of Amber & Rob from Survivor). Typically, I've only done a little riff on Rob talking about Amber's physical assets. If you don't remember this discussion from one of the Survivor seasons, it went a little something like this:

"I don't know if she's playin' me or I'm playin' her, but that Ambuh's got a smokin' ass."

It's hard to relate via typing only as this is really a performance piece. He sounds a bit like Elmer Fudd and I incorporate that into my impression.

Anyway, during a leg of the race, there are two zip lines that the contestants have to swing down over a ravine. During his, Rob yells out "Holy Cannoli!"

That's definitely going into the act.

Pod People

Slaving for the Ipod currently. I put something like 450 songs on the pod last weekend in preparation of my trip. I've still got three big stacks of cd's on my desk that I've got to pound in before Sat morn. Just grabbed stuff from the 6 shelves. Couldn't find any Hendrix, Michelle "Evil Gal" Wilson. Didn't get nearly enough Petty.

Hawaii for two weeks sounds good. Hawaii for two weeks with a fully loaded pod to keep from having to talk to anyone on the plane sounds better.

Also grabbed two Irish music cd's because I can't imagine what St. Patty's in the islands is like. Figured I'd need a musical fix to soothe the mick in me while I'm there.

Seriously cutting corners though. Last time I sifted through every album and didn't put in any song I didn't like. With that many CD's, I can afford to be picky. Last time I built play lists as I went and had all the Bruce and Southside Johnny in one list called Jersey Boys. Had an excellent work out list with all the funk and rhythym. Also an excellent party mix that I used to ride my bike to.

This time it's put in a cd, pick up a book, wait for the bing. Lather, rinse, repeat. Where will it all end?

I had a weird idea though that may be worth a short story. What if someone found someone's I-pod and fell in love with them? I think this may have been done with a planner or a briefcase or something. You could have the name of the person because of an inscription on the back. And the songs and playlists the person had would reveal more and more about the person. I don't know how they'd meet and you'd have all the tension about whether the person would be like you imagined. I don't know, maybe worth a shot. At least the soundtrack would rock.

So now if I really do lose my pod and someone finds it, they'll find all this Bob & Tom and Irish music and have me institutionalized.

Tivo is God to Me

I couldn't stand to watch the Academy Awards in real time last night. I'll fast forward through all the boring parts tonight. It's kind of a pain to be 24 hours after the entire world and there's not much suspense because you already know who won the big awards. But I can't stomach the technical awards for all the random stuff I don't care about.

And now these people don't even get to come up on the stage. Or else they're up there in a group line up. Not a lot of dignity for the lesser awards, but then if we whacked all that crap, you could be in an out in an hour. Chris Rock's funniest line of the night was how next year these people will get their awards in the parking lot.

Star Jones need to shut the fuck up. We don't care what you think, Star. We want to know what the real stars think. It's not about you, Star. Let the others have their moment.

Sorry that Scorcese didn't win again. But Hitchcock and Robert Altmann are both five time losers for Best Director as well. That's not bad company.

Man Sues For Unwanted Pregnancy

Dr. Richard O. Phillips has accused Dr. Sharon Irons of misusing semen obtained through oral sex to become pregnant.

It's true. And my favorite quote:

She asserts that when the plaintiff "delivered" his sperm, it was a gift.
There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon
request."

That's just plain icky.

Whatever the outcome of the case, I'm betting the child will be the "spitting image" of the father.

Wow is that bad.