Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Bees Knees

Reuters reported, that honeybees in the US are vanishing. And scientists don't know why. Thanks for all the insight, Poindexter. And that can't find any wee bee bodies to get all CSI on them. Man, I'd hate to have to draw those tiny outlines around the wings.

There aren't any bee corpses. They're just vanishing. Kind of like common sense.

Opposably, honeybees are responsible for pollinating all that swell fruit we love so much. As Jeff "Chicken Little" Pettis of the US Agricultural Research Service puts it, "...imagine eating a bowl of oatmeal every day with no fruit on it, that's what it would be like." Ummm, Jeff, I eat bacon whenever possible, so I'm not really sweating the bee thing because of your "Oatmeal Degradation Scenario."

Now, I don't know what you do when you're faced with a crisis. I don't think I have too many crises in my daily life. I do have a project that's absolutely on fire and will go down in flames like the Hindenburg. How am I fixing it? I've got a plan B, a plan C and a plan D. Okay, plan D is just blaming a co-worker, but that's not the point. I've got alternatives for when it all goes snafu and hits the proverbial fan.

What does the government do? Listen to this call to action. First, there's a two day "workshop" to combat what has been termed "Colony Collapse Disorder." I've got to give them some credit--that name is fabulous. It sounds a lot better than "We Don't Know Where All The Bees Are."

Second, they've scheduled a Congressional Hearing. Oh, that ought to straighten things right out. Maybe we can get some Congresspeople to walk around a field with their shirt sleeves rolled up, their suit coats thrown over one shoulder and squint into the distance. That would be a great photo opportunity and would accomplish absolutely nothing. I can honestly say I've never been in trouble and thought to myself, "If there were only a member of Congress around right now..."

Third, the National Research Council is issuing "a report." This is really what our government does best: generate reams of paper which no one reads. Now this report won't fix the problem, but it will be a good prop for a Senator to hold up in a photograph later when he or she claims victory over the dastardly beenappers.

Fourth, National Pollinator Week is scheduled for June 24th - 30th in Washington, DC. This really ought to straighten things out, shouldn't it? Once you can get a week named after your issue, you're really in the home stretch.

Can't you just imagine a bunch of agricultural policy types in town for the big week, belting back a few drinks and telling some impressionable young ladies that they're in town to "pollinate?" And you know they'd be doing that eyebrow thing. "Hmm, hmm, hmm. How'd you like to do a little pollination?"

Now the North American Pollinator Protection Campaign (NAPPC) advocates that one of the ways we can help is to "speak out and celebrate pollinators." Hey, you asked for it NAPPC.


I think that I shall never see
A thing as lovely as a bee.
Who wings his way across the sky
And does not even question why.
He serves his Queen and gets no money.
All he does is help make the honey.
That's right. No sex. Not even kissing.
Is it any wonder the bees have gone missing?
The NAPPC says "If bees are under attack,
Our fruit will be gone and never come back."
The plants need the bees to move the pollen.
Or our agricultural stocks will be a fallin'.
So, speak out and let us all hail pollinators.
Both Dems and GOP's can be celebrators.


kris said...

Can't you just imagine a bunch of agricultural policy types in town for the big week, belting back a few drinks and telling some impressionable young ladies that their in town to "pollinate?"

Oh you were SO thinking of me and kimmy. Ruth's Chris filet + pinot noir + aggie grads = cross pollination like it's goin' outta style.

That's hot.

Wicked H said...

Hmmm. Is it just me or would anyone else like to see a couple politicos fall to the ground with anaphylaxis? Now that would be a buzz kill!

Angie T said...

This is completely my fault. When I was in college I was stung by a bee, and my ankle swelled up so I went to health services. While I was getting the stinger removed I told the doctor, "I WISH THERE WERE NO SUCH THINGS AS BEES!"

Effin A! I have powers, man.

kris said...

I can't stop thinking about being pollinated.