Kids, I want to talk at you about an assault on our liberties as Americans. The Fascists are at our doorstep. Nay, they are already within our scholastic system. This is unbearable. As a citizen from the great country that gave you the Cleavacious, I won't stand for it. Brace yourselves.
The Arlington, Texas school district has banned cleavage. Okay, because they're dumb journalists they've got it wrong. The school district isn't actually banning cleavage. Rather, they are banning the display of cleavage. Girls can still have their cleavage, they just can't strap it up the girls with the Cleavacious to display to full advantage.
Pacifically, the new school's dress code states: “The display of cleavage is unacceptable. Low cut blouses, tops, sweaters, etc. with plunging necklines are not allowed."
Imprimus, the display of cleavage is not only acceptable, it's recommended, advocated and probably should be mandated.
Secondus, just because a neckline is low cut doesn't mean the cleavage is still not fully on display. Doesn't anyone remember the tight sweaters of the the 50's? Did everyone forget Mamie Van Doren for crying out loud? Did we learn nothing from Footloose?
Third, does this edict cover toe cleavage as well?
Fourth, didn't Texas also bring us the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders? And now a school has the gall to try to ban cleavage. One could argue, Texas brought cleavage to the masses. And because the Dallas Cowboys were once America's Team, one could argue that cleavage is as American as hot dogs, football and apple pie. Well, I for one, am not going to sit here and let Arlington Superintendent Mac Bernd bad mouth the United States of America.
Fifth, who is going to be on Cleavage Patrol to enforce this policy? I'm sure the male teachers (and maybe some of the female gym teachers) will be falling all over themselves to conduct inspections.
I call upon all of us cleavage embracing Americans to stand up for our rights and write a sternly worded email directly to Mr. Bernd. His email address is firstname.lastname@example.org. Ain't the interweb grand, kids?
As further evidence of the silliness of this ban on cleavage, I submit the following. Arlington District Spokesperson Veronica Sopher (email@example.com) claims encouraging messages have come from as far away as Utah in support of the ban. Anything that someone from Utah is in support of is definitely a bad idea. Utah isn't that far from Texas, Sophie. Check the map, you flack.
I'll be sure to post my stern letter to Mr. Bernd. Make sure you do the same, kids.
I regret that I have no cleavage to give for my country. I have not yet begun to ridicule. When cleavage is outlawed, only outlaws will have cleavage. God bless cleavage and America.