Hey, kids! Guess what time it is? That's right! It's time for the Ohio State Fair! This isn't some crummy little country fair. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Medina. What of it?
Not only can you wander around Columbus in the godawful heat and stupidity, but you can also demonstrate America's vast superiority to the rest of the world in Food on a Stick Technology.
But the real reason everyone goes to the fair is simple. It's not the shows like Masters of the Chainsaw (Aug. 4th @ 7:oo pm). It's not the rides like the Tilt-a-Hurl or the Giant Slide. It's not the swell concerts like Rick Springfield (Aug. 5th), REO Speedwagon (Aug. 6th), Kenny Rogers and the Oak Ridge Boys (Aug. 8th) or Bo Bice (Aug. 12th). How can any reasonable person be expected to choose between the musical stylings of The Gambler and the magic that is the power balled "I Can't Fight This Feeling."
No, that's not why people go to the Ohio State fair. It's for the sculptures made of butter.
Admit it. You've never seen butter artistry like that before. Look at the lifelike veins on that cow's udder. You know you want to put one of those rich buttery teats in your mouth and let the goodness melt away. Even better if you brought lobster.
But I have a secret for you. I hope it doesn't spoil your appreciation for the butter medium.
That butter isn't even from Ohio!
Now I'm sure you love rich creamy art as much as I do. So of course you know that true butter art is only done with salt free butter. The only butter producer in Ohio is Land o' Lakes in Kent. And they don't make salf free butter in Ohio! I'll type that again for you. They don't make unsalted butter.
Yup, they're tricking the rubes with imported butter. That's a big, fat, 2000 pound steaming pile of buttery lies.
No wonder the Ohioans are crazy. When you can't even trust your butter sculpture, who can you trust?
They're probably serving Soylent Green on the midway too. On a stick of course.