Vinnifer Lives

It's good to know that some people can get on with their life and periodically the funny man (not the pretty one) can get the girl.

People magazine has published pictures in its latest issue of Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston mashing. Yup, I swiped it for you right over there. Isn't the interweb powerful and wonderful?

Wonder how Vince and Brad will get along the next time they make a movie together like in Mr. & Mrs. Smith? I hope he called and asked first. "Dude, will it freak you if I call your ex?"

And that's going to have to hold you for a while, kids. The wife and I are headed to Jamaica to help in the Hurricane Wilma Relief Efforts. Luckily, we'll be using this place as the base of operations. Ah, the power of the interweb to find travel deals. Be good to each other.

Bond For Failure

There's a new James Bond in town, kids. It's David Craig, the man with two first names. Yup, as usual, that's him over there on the right.

Now, I've never seen Mr. Craig in anything, but he made a movie called Layer Cake, an English gangster film. As I said, I haven't seen it, but is in in my Netflix queue so that says something right there. What it says, I don't know.

He definitely has big shoes to fill. Everyone seems to have their favorite James Bond actor. Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton or Pierce Bronsan all played the role of Ian Fleming's super spy. The BBC had people write in about which Bond actor people liked the most. And since they're English and he's with MI6, that makes some sense.

I guess I'd have to go with Sean Connery as the best Bond. But man, is he hairy. That's where Mike Meyers got the inspiration to make Austin Powers such a furball. I hated George Lazenby who was just some Australian model they dug up. And after seeing On Her Majesty's Secret Service about a million times, there's a reason he only lasted one movie. Which is a shame because that movie has the best plot of just about any Bond movie they've ever done.

I liked both Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan in the role. But I still see them as the first role I ever saw them in. Dalton will forever be the Prince in Green Tights from Flash Gordon to me. Yes, I know it's not fair, but I always remember him in those ridiculous tights and that bad wig when I see him. He was excellent in both Rocketeer and License to Kill.

And Pierce will forever be Remington Steele to me. Just look at that ridiculous hair. The 80's were not kind to us kids. Sorry about the crappy placement of that image, but I give. Too bad NBC wouldn't let Pierce out of his contract early when the Bond producers first wanted him.

I loved that show. Why won't they bring back the romantic comedy/murder mystery platform to modern tv? Glen Gordon Caron left after one year to do Moonlighting. Moonlighting, a romantic comedy/mystery platform. Sound familiar? I don't want reality. Reality sucks. I want snappy banter, beautiful people doing ordinary jobs, improbable plots, spine-tingling suspense, wacky chases, and unresolved romatic entanglements. Reality is crappy staff meetings, boring Power Point presentations and annoying office mates. Bleh. How did I get here from a post about James Bond. Wow, is that the tangent of all tangents? I gotta start mapping these posts out or people will think I'm even more scatterbrained than I really am. Oh, man, now my internal voice has taken over and I'm actually writing this stuff. And look how long that paragraph is. No one is going to read this drivel. It might as well be a TPS report. I don't mind the voices in my head, it's that they stutter. How to wrap this up?

Go see the new James Bond movie. Like the new guy or not, because you're stuck with him.

Man is that a lame ending. Talk about your denouement. Sorry kids, I promise to try to do better next time. Mea culpa.

Even More Vikings

Hey, I hear that the Minnesota Vikings have picked the Blue Bay Getaway hotel in Cancun, Mexico for their next team outing.

Quote of the story: "Then there was the quiet pool, but there was still sex going on in there--and it wasn't quiet."

And definitely don't tell those kids from Princeton to go here on Spring Break. They'll hate it.

Vikes, Vikes, Baby

If you live in Minnesota, I pity you. It's not just that the Minnesota Vikings can't seem to get it together on the field (they lost to Chicago 28-3 yesterday in a performance that can only be described as mailed in), but now they're up to no good off the field as well.

Last week several Vikings were implicated in what can only be described as a sex scandal involving two rented charter boats on Lake Minnetonka. Allegedly, a few players rented a couple of boats for a party. And it must have been a pretty good party because the police are describing it as "drunken behavior, nudity and visible sexual activity."

Just think how much fun they could have in the Land of 10,000 Lakes! I guess we know how the NFL teams spend their bye week now. And in the Vikes defense, this is all still under investigation (which means lots of juicy details to come) and only 17 of the players were involved.

Boy, it's a good thing they got rid of that trouble maker Randy Moss. The boat outfit (Al & Alma's) says they have a Supper Club. Maybe that should have been a stripper club?

Here's the best recap if you haven't heard the story. It's the trusty San Jose Mercury News.

The Vikes just hired a former FBI agent as their new head of security. Looks like the party is over guys. But at 1-4 after the loss the Chicago, it's good to know the Vikings aren't just screwing their season ticket holders this year.

Wie, Wie, Wie, All The Way Home

Welcome to the pros, kid.

Sixteen year-old Michelle Wie got disqualified from her first professional tournament after making an incorrect drop. Oops, and because they didn't discover the illegal drop until the next day, that meant she had signed an incorrect scorecard which is an automatic dq. All the details are here (if your that anal about the rules).

Oh, yeah, somebody named Annika Sorenstam won by 8 strokes. Wonder if she was pissed that people only wanted to talk about the youngster all week.

I'm guessing the Sports Illustrated reporter, Michael Bamberger, who got her dq'ed probably won't be getting an exclusive interview anytime soon.

Don't sweat it, kid. You lost out on 4th place in your first pro event and missed the $53,000 in prize money. I'm betting that 10 million in endorsement deals from Nike and Sony will cushion the blow a bit. Sucks to be you, huh?

Abstinence Club

Students from Princeton University have started a group called The Anscombe Society. These losers are actually promoting chastity in college.

Named after Elizabeth Anscombe a Cambridge University professor of Philosophy who was staunchly Catholic and argued for the Church's teachings on sex and abstinence in Contraception and Chastity. Bet that's a swell read.

Yep, that's Elizabeth Anscombe over there. Good looking gal, isn't she? How come the people who argue for chastity are probably the ones who really don't have to worry about that issue ever coming up. It doesn't look to me like Liz is going to have a full dance card.

Remembering how often I stuck out with coeds while I was college and had chastity forced upon me, I don't really think they need a group to promote it.

Another name for the group could be "Don't Invite Us To Your Party."

More of this silliness is at Yahoo.

Quote of the story: "You don't just have sex to have sex." Yeah, there's smoking in the dark afterwards, the guilt, lying to your friends and then that awkward moment when you run into each other later.

It might be nice to visit Cambridge, read old Liz's stuff and then head on over to the London Academy of Sex & Relationships just for the juxtaposition.

Plan Your Trip Now

Developers in London, England have announced plans to open a sexual theme park near Piccadilly Circus. It's true, I'm not making this up.

While I've never been to London (other than the one in Ontario and it's not the same) apparently this is just around the corner from a statue of Eros (captured rather crappily in that photo on the right, but what do you want for free on the interweb) which was erected in 1892 as a tribute to Lord Shaftesbury.

As a brief aside, Lord Shaftesbury is now officially on my list of possible porn aliases. It's right after Buck Naked and before Templeton Tongue.

My favorite part of the story: "Tittilation is not the goal." Huge mistake, kids. Go for the tittilation. Heck, go for it twice. I've never been mistaken in understimating how low the lowest common denominator really is. Is my only excuse for the Jerry Springer show.

I so want a shirt from the London Academy of Sex & Relationships. In fact, if they're not available online right now, they're missing a serious marketing opportunity. How about "I got flunked at the London Academy of Sex & Relationships?"

What would the school colors be? Red & Black. Maybe leather & lace?

School motto: Amo, Amas, A momma. That Latin for "I love, you love, she gets knocked up." Or if that's too high brow. How about Truth, Knowledge, a Great Lay?

School song? Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye of course. Runner up, Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi because of the immortal lyric: "Your love is like bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need." Now that's poetry kids.

I gotta go kids. I need to find someone who makes t-shirts on the interweb.

Which is Worse?

In addition to TomKat being preggers, Donald Trump and his new trophy wife (I can't even be bothered to Google her to find out her name) is also expecting.

And that got me thinking, which kid is going to be more messed up from a genetic perspective. Now I don't want to get off on a tangent about environment vs. genes, but not all of this is set in stone but here's what we can probably expect for both kids.

TomKat's Spud:

• short
• megalomania
• pretty
• inability to act
• forced into Hollywood religion du jour (Scientology can't last forever)
• spoiled
• unquenchable rumors of gayness

The Donald & Trophy Wife Number Whatever's Urchin:

• bad hair
• megalomania
• forced to watch re-runs of The Apprentice
• spoiled
• unquenchable rumors of poverty

So, probably not that much difference after all. Good luck kids, even though you've won the genetic lottery in terms of wealth, your parents will probably fuck you up.

I Was Warned

My secretary told me when I turned 40 that everything would go to hell. I expected it to be a downhill journey; I didn't expect it to be driving over a cliff.

I messed my knee up about 6 weeks ago. Moving a refrigerator, heard a pop, immediately couldn't put any weight on it. It got a little better, then about 2 weeks later it popped again while I was just standing in a line.

Anyway, I'm having to baby it. No stairs, no running, no advanced sexual positions (okay, any sexual positions). Seriously, when it's bad, I can barely walk. And I've learned that it'll be really bad after an orthopedic surgeon yanks on it for about 10 minutes, makes it click a lot, and tries to make it twist and turn in ways it probably hasn't done for about 15 years anyway.

The funny thing about all this is that everyone in my family has had major knee surgery. So I have a lot of input from people who I never solicit advice from. I keep asking, "Where did you get your medical degree from? I can't remember." The best thing is that my Dad keeps sending me email with helpful tips like this:

GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!!!! I HAD THREE BEFORE I GOT MY LAST HIP REPLACED. DO YOU HAVE A COMPANY DOCTOR YOU COULD DISCUSS WITH? READ PAGE18 IN SUNDAYS OCT.9 PAGE 18 ,GOOD ARTICLE ON THE KNEE PARADE MAGAZINE. DELAY ANY SURGERY.

Yup, that wily Shift key apparently eludes Pop when he's trying to give me medical advice. Luckily Parade Magazine is also the functional equivalent to the New England Journal of Medicine.

Am I the only one who finds that kind of email hilarious? It's like getting a telegram from the old west. I just wish he would say STOP instead of using a period.

Mr. Kettle, Mr Pot Is On The Phone

In a move that may actually make my head explode, the people from Wonderbra are accusing the folks from Marks & Spencer of being sexist.

Yup, the inventor of the push up bra is hammering another lingerie maker for using photos of semi-naked women in their advertising. When I use a photo of a woman showing her sweet boobs, that's classy. When you do it, it's trashy. Can't you see the difference?

I fail to see what the hubbub is about the Per Una collection. But then I'm not a Brit, so maybe there's something shocking to the continental sensibilities that's lost upon this Yank.

I guess I fail to see how Wonderbra taking the moral high road regarding women in advertising is going to sell more Wonderbra's, but then all I know about women's bras is that I like what's in them.

Quote of the Week

This week, it's another comedian.

"My girlfriend and I are trying to compromise more. She wants A, I want Z, so we've settled on something in the B-C range."

-- Costaki Economopolous on working relationships

Nick Cage Loses It

If you hadn't heard, Nicolas Cage and his second wife just had a baby boy. While that's all fine and dandy, they named the new son....wait for it...make sure you're sitting down....Kal-el.

No, that's not a typo. It's Kal-freaking-el as in the real name of Superman. Yup, while he was still a little boy on Krypton (before it blew up) that was his name. You may remember some of this crap if you saw the very first movie with Christopher Reeve as Superman -- the one with Brando.

I didn't know that old Nickie boy wanted to play Superman in the upcoming remake. The theory is that since he didn't get the part, he named his kid after him. Kind of like how when he didn't get to be Elvis, he married Lisa Marie Presley. And that worked out really well...for about four months anyway.

I hope for young Kal-el Coppola Presley that he really is the Man of Steel. Because I've got a feeling that the many schoolyard beatings to follow are going to let him know just how mortal he really is.

TomKat To Procreate

In one of the more shocking faux news stories out today, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a baby. Can you get impregnated via Scientology?

My favorite headlines so far:

• Show Me The Mummy
• TomKat Expecting TomKitten
• Cruise, Holmes; Pregnant!
• Obviously Gay Man Impregnates Media Distraction

Okay, so I might have made one of those up. One of them must have a movie coming out in about 9 months.

And All's Right In Hockeytown Again

In case you missed it, the National Hockey League was on strike last year. And while I do so love to see millionaires (the players) argue with billionaires (the owners), it's really just the fans who lost out.

The Detroit Red Wings played last night. Finally. Yes, they really do call it Hockeytown. If you're not from the Northeastern part of the US, you probably don't get it. But as the Red Sox are to Boston, so are the Red Wings to Detroit. But then if the other major competition for your undying love were the Lions and the Tigers, you can understand why people get behind the hockey ballers.

Now hockey is definitely the 4th sport in the echelon of professional sports. It might even be behind bowling. And it's not even televised on a legitimate network like ESPN. It's on the Outdoor Life Network. Yes, the same network of Survivor reruns and the Tour de France. What does it say about your sport when that's the best tv contract you can score?

Hockey suffers in that it's not a tv sport. You can't follow the puck or the players as well on tv and you can't grasp any of the strategy with line changes. It is a seriously fast sport that doesn't translate well into remote viewing. The ice is too big and a lot of the best action doesn't necessarily go on around the puck. These guys routinely skate at over 20 miles per hour. When the action gets going, bodies are flying across the ice and guys are sucking wind after each shift.

Fighting in the NHL isn't that big a deal. The fights tend to look worse than they actually are. It's tough to get any leverage to punch when you're slipping around on the ice. But when someone gets their sweater pulled up over their head and gets thumped, the crowd is always into it. It's the only sport where fights are part of the game. Every team has an enforcer. If you cross over the line and take a shot at the superstar, the enforcer comes in, busts somebody and everything quiets down again. Typically the only way you can really get injured is when you're down on the ice. And that's when the refs move in a break it up. Otherwise, they typically let them dance around a bit before they try to break it up. Everyone lets off a little steam, then it's back to the game.

Speaking of back to the game, welcome back, guys.

The HMO Will Probably Not Cover This

A woman from Oregan is suing a doctor. Nothing new there, right? Well she's suing him because he prescribed intercourse (with him of course) for her lower back pain.

Do you think he made her call him Dr. Feelgood? If a doctor says he can cure you by having sex with him, he must really have a magic johnson.

Now I'm neither a doctor nor do I play one on tv, but if you think sex makes your back feel better, it probably does. I thought sex made everything feel better.

I'm guessing this woman doesn't work for NASA. "Hop up on this table and take your clothes off. Now you'll feel some slight pressure and then your back will start to feel much, much, much better. Try to ignore my cries of pleasure and concentrate on your back."

How many "treatments" do you think it took before she realized that her back wasn't getting any better?

Dr. Feelgood got in trouble when he also submitted his 45 minute "treatments" to the state health plan to get them covered by insurance. Ah, greed raising its ugly head again. I think that's really trying to have your cake and eat it too, so to speak.

"Doctor, that doesn't feel like a thermometer......"

Quote of the Week

I think this guy may be my new hero...

"Women always want to know what men are thinking. I'll tell you what we're thinking: "Does that feel good?" and "Are you mad at me?"

-Nick Griffin, stand up comedian

Nick's currently scheduled to be on Dave's big show on October 7th. Don't miss him; he's that good.