Quote of the Week

For a change it's not something stupid I said. It's super agent Drew Rosenhaus while appearing on HBO:

"It's OK for Tom Cruise to make $50 million for a movie. But a guy who risks his life can't get paid a decent wage?"
-- Drew Rosenhaus

Drew is TO's agent. Gosh, playing football equates to risking your life. And a 7 year deal worth 49 million bucks isn't a decent wage.

If TO is an assbag, Drew must be a dickclown.

Crush Men For $

I'm still trying to decide if this is sick, twisted, both or neither.

And to think I had all those ex-girlfriends crush my heart for absolutely free.

Man am I glad that I'm married and don't have to date anymore. Dating = a job interview with the threat of sex.

Another Epiphany

I've got an idea for the Candy King of America.

I don't advocate violence, but I certainly understand it.

Now if the Candy King gets dethroned, I'm so going to be the prime suspect.

I'm no scientist or anything...

I'm no scientist or anything, but I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that this:

Australia seeks to breed test-tube sharks

is not a good idea.

Good thing we've already cured cancer.

Oh well, always more fodder for the Animal Conspiracy.

WTF is up with Altoids

I've gotten 15 spams today from the Candy King of America trying to convince me to sell Altoids in the vending industry. Condoms I get in this venue. But Altoids?

Now this may well be targeted email because I've actually talked about getting into the vending industry. But that's when I was sitting in a bar and saw how many morons were plugging money into some machine to buy "pull tabs." Pull tabs are like instant lottery ticket, but you don't have to wait until the time of the drawing to figure out you lost. I can't remember who said it, but the lottery is a tax upon those who can't do math.

Anyway, I know I never signed up for information about entering the vending industry. And I sure as hell didn't sign up 15 times.

I did send them a very nice note saying, "Would you sons of bitches quit sending out spam?" in each line of their swell online form. I bet it doesn't work. But I'm sure not going to try to unsubscribe to that message.

Pinball Wizard

Have you heard of Brice Mellen?

How do you think he does it?
I don't know
What makes him so good?

He's blind, but plays video games. And he doesn't just play them, he also takes on challengers and kicks almost everyone's ass.

I've got to think getting whacked at a fighting game like Soul Caliber by someone who is blind is a bit of an come down.

I can't believe there's someone out there who really "plays by sense of smell." Freaky, but cool.

Rock on, Brice.

I hope you never take up golf. My ego is fragile enough now.

TO is an Assbag

Now I don't want to get all hyper about a superstar here because football season (when it counts) is over 6 weeks away.

But after signing a 7 year, 49 million dollar deal, Terrell Owens (aka TO) wants to renegotiate his contact. Yup, after just one year, TO wants a new deal.

I can certainly see his point. I mean the Eagles did win the Super Bowl because of TO. Oh wait, they lost.

Well they did win all those playoff games because of him. Oh, wait, he was hurt for those games and the team won without him.

But then TO is just like Jesus. At least according to TO:

"At the end of the day, I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"
-- Blogcritics.org

I think Jesus fulfilled his contact, TO. At least for 33 years. And some would argue he went above and beyond his original deal.

Something to think about TO....

Going Postal

I recently had to go to the Post Office for a package that for some reason the postman wouldn't shove in my mailbox or leave on my porch. I don't know why. Sometimes they'll leave stuff and sometimes they won't. It seems to be completely random. It's just goofy used books from Amazon, but I've got to leave work and go to postal hell.

Now I think the United States Postal Service is amazing. You give them 40 cents and shit magically shows up across the country. In-freaking-credible. People who complain about the price of stamps are full of it. It's practically magic. Take it yourself if you're going to whine.

The post office, the physical hell where you have to go despite all your best planning and wishes, on the other hand, sucks the big one.

Some epiphanies while I was at the post office:

• No line in the universe moves slower than the post office line.
• Why are there so many people here? It's not lunch time for God's sake.
• Why are there so many forms? If we were starting the post office from scratch now, there's no way there'd be this much paper.

A guy in front of me was filling out a form to mail a letter that was larger than his letter. How is that going to get attached to his letter?

We even have a little work station where you can mail a package without waiting in line and without talking to anyone. I'm the only one I've ever seen use it. I stood in line for 20 minutes today and no one even tried to self serve. They'd rather wait in line and talk to the surly clerks. But then if this many people wanted me to help them in a day, I'd be pissy too.

I usually go early in the morning when only the external part of the post office is open. You can buy stamps, open your post office box, mail crap from the little kiosk and get the hell out. The only people who are ever in there that early are me and the homeless guy who pretends to be reading pamphlets when I come in so it looks like he has actual business to transact there and isn't just hanging out trying to stay warm. I'm not fooled.

Golfing With Dead Guys

I'm heading down the delta to the land of crazies. I'm not sure if I'll survive with either my body or my mind intact. This isn't the first one of these sorties I've been on, but this may be the most dangerous.

For the last 8 years I've played in a golf tournament with my 76 year old Father, my 66 year old Uncle and one of my cousins.

The Corner Open (as the tournament is known) consisted of a bunch of old guys who my Pop used to go to high school with in Ohio. So yes, I've got some Ohio crazy in me.

And these old guys literally hung out on the corner of South and High streets every afternoon. Now I've seen the type of ruffians who hang out on street corners. And even though my Pop used to do it before 1950, I can't think it's evolved much. They're not singing doo wop (and I don't think it had even been invented by then) and helping old ladies with their groceries across the street. Even back then they were playing pick up basketball and causing trouble. And I don't think basketball was the only thing they were trying to pick up.

Our team is very carefully selected. My cousin is the ringer, I'm the putter, my Pop is the self-appointed coach whom we all ignore at all times and my Uncle is the great athlete who happens to be the terrible golfer. I used to play softball with my Uncle and he's a bonafide jock. Former Marine, short, quiet, hell of a hitter. Until the ball isn't moving. Then he's flailing and stepping out of the box and trying to hit it into the gap for a triple. And because he's a bit of a hot head, he'll get pissed. This only makes his game worse. And unfortunately, when I'm laughing at him, it doesn't help.

My favorite story about my Unc involves him teeing off. Now because he wasn't yet 65, he had to play from the blue or far back tees. As you get older, they give you a break and let you move up to the white tees. My Uncle hits a really shitty shot that goes about 20 yards straight along the ground. A real worm burner. He starts cursing because we've played about 12 holes by now and it's obviously not going to get any better for him as the day warms up. I believe the exact quote was (and cover your eyes kids if profanity offends you), "This fucking game sucks. I can't wait till next year when I can hit from the fucking white goddamn tees."

To which my cousin immediately pipes up, "Yeah, then your 20 yard shots will be 30 yard shots." Because I'm riding in the cart with my Uncle, I'm trying to stifle my laughter and am not doing a very good job. Again, me not helping.

Now I say the golfing tournament consisisted of a bunch of old guys, I mean just that--past tense. They had to cancel it because so many of the guys croaked that they couldn't get a large enough of a field to keep doing it.

So this year we won't be defending a title, playing for money or catching up with old acquaintances. We'll just be golfing in farm country and I'll get to see my Pop again. And about a million cousins who unfortunately can't golf as well as my designated ringer cousin.

Radio Sucks For a Reason

Sony BMG just agreed to pay 10 very large (that's 10 million US dollars to you non-mob connected readers out there), as a result of New York State Attorney General Elliot Spitzer's investigation of payola to radio stations. Yup, a practice that started back in the 50's is still a "major problem throughout the music industry."

So yes, the reason you hear all the same crappy songs on the radio is that Sony was bribing DJ's and Programming Directors to get that shit on the air.

How bad was it? Well, look at it this way, if Sony BMG voluntarily agreed to a 10 mil fine, it's gotta be smoking gun documents bad. They skipped the trial (the same process that let Michael and OJ off) because they were caught red handed. The investigation to continues against Universal, EMI and Warner.

It's hard to believe that such fine artists as Beyoncé, Britney Spears, Usher, Christina Aguilera, Alicia Keys and Kelly Clarkson aren't being aired "based on the quality, artistic competition, or aesthetic judgments." I'm shocked, shocked to find there's gambling in Casablanca.

Sony spokesman John McKay condemned the practice as "wrong and improper" and said, "We're very, very sorry....that we got caught."

Okay, I made that last one up. You got me, Elliot. You're a regular Thomas Dewey and we know how well that turned out. Your future is still ahead of you.

The Cows Have Turned

While I was spreading the word about the animal conspiracy, I made a mistake. I forgot about the cows. And they've gone to the dark side.

In Croatia a farmer was crushed by the cow he was trying to milk.

The cow "had been very meek." It's an act, baby. The cows are throwing off their chains of bondage throughout history and taking their revenge.

Enjoy your ice cream, buster. Because it's going to be tough to come by soon. Just to be on the safe side, I'm not getting a burger for lunch.

The MOO-vement is here and the cows have us in their sights.

It's So Hot in DC....

Man, some heat wave hitting our nation's capital, Washington DC.

How hot is it?

Well, it's so hot in Washington DC right now that Karl Rove has started leaking freon.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that people are using Teddy Kennedy's head for shade.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that Clarence Thomas isn't the only member of the Supreme Court wearing nothing under his robes.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that people are using Dick Cheney's heart to keep meat from thawing.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that when people say William Rehnquist should be on ice, he already is.

Man, that's hot, I gotta tell you. Thank you, you're beautiful. Remember to tip your bartenders and servers. I'm here all week.

Squirrel Suicide Bombers

As reported previously, the animals are against us. They hate us and are trying to take us out of the top of the food chain any way they can.

Now, they've taken to blowing themselves up to start forest fires.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And if you think that wasn't bad enough, you'd better check your toilet.

Quote of the Week

"How many kids are peeing in your pool? Exactly how many are in there."

--Me, explaining kids, nature, and peeing in the pool to a co-worker who just got a pool.

And I finally remembered to post one of these before I skated for home on a Friday afternoon.

"Yabba, dabba, doo," kids. Don't hurt yourself sliding down the dinosaur to your car.

I Missed It

I've never even heard of this event, but think it's genius.

Amazing that people would rather ride the train and not be an actual participant.

You're Freaking Me Out, Tommy

Tommy Thompson, former Health and Human Services director and the former Governor of Wisconsin is going to get an RFID tag implanted in his body.

Now I always liked Tommy. He seemed to have done some good things for the neighboring state and he did get elected four times. I remember the Wisconsin Works program supposedly being a blueprint for welfare reform.

But this sounds a little crazy to me. I'm not all Mark of the Beast or anything, but why would you get a chip implanted when only two hospitals use it?

My cynical side says that if you make me the CEO of a company, I'll do anything in an effort at shameless self promotion. I've actually seen these work on pets and they're kind of cool.

But getting one just to identify my body if I'm dead? I mean I'll be dead, so I don't care. Now if you could get one that picks up cable? Then I'd totally have staff meetings licked.

Snubbed Again & Again

It looks like I'm not getting the Pistons job either. Early word on the street is that some guy named Flip who's not even a local guy is getting the gig.

Apparently, he lost in the first round of the playoffs for 8 straight years with another team.
Come on. I'm undefeated in both the regular season and the playoffs of the NBA! What a gyp.

Apparently the owner got tired of it all being about Larry and not enough about the team. Pick me, Bill D. I'll be all about the team all the time.

Man, this is turning out to be a rough week. Maybe I'll disrupt the press conference scheduled for noon today. The corpse isn't even cold. Ouch, this one hurts.

Canada Goes Gay

Look for a swell rainbow to be added to that red Maple Leaf, Canada has officially approved same sex marriage. They'll be a run for the border and you better bring flowers.

Canada is only the fourth country in the world to allow same sex marriage. You can still head to the Netherlands, Belgium or Spain if the Great White North isn't your style. Spain? I guess that explains the bullfighting. Putting a sword into a big, charging, bull. Yeah, no one could think that was repression for something else.

I really don't get all the furor over this. I am so ready for gay weddings. They'll be FAB-U-LOUS. It'll be more like a pageant than a wedding. And sure to be some drama. That whole question about whether anyone objects to this union will be fraught with a pregnant pause now to see whether the ex throws a hissy fit.

I just want to own the flower store next to the gay wedding chapel. You'll make a mint. It's all about location, location, location.

The downside to this is gay divorce. Those are going to be a bitch. And you thought the courts were backed up before.

I can't wait for my first gay reception. I'm going to have to start putting some pressure on my gay friends to tie the knot. "You're not getting any younger. He's a keeper. Take the leap. Where's my invitation?"

Snubbed Again

I waited by the phone last night waiting for the call. It never came. Some guy named John Roberts got the gig. Probably a suck up. I mean he did used to clerk for Rehnquist. I wonder if Rehnquist can still remember him?

They're making a big deal about how he's argued 39 cases in front of the Supreme Court. Big deal. I've never lost a case in front of the Supreme Court! I'm undefeated baby.

And people are pouring over every legal decision JR's made to see if they can divine which was he swings on key issues. I'm telling you there's nothing in my history of jurisprudence that's going to get me in any trouble. I'm a clean nomination. I'll sail through the Senate.

They're making a big mistake here, but what can I do. I'm already getting email from my Congressman asking me for my opinion. Yes, it's a little scary that I have the ear of important people who are already pestering me the day after I lost out on the nomination. But they really want to know:

Are you worried that some Senators will try to earn political points instead of giving Judge Roberts a fair hearing?
Yes No Unsure

Do you think it is okay for a U.S. senator to disregard a nominee's qualifications and base his or her vote solely on the nominee's Political ideology -- that is, solely because the nominee is a conservative or a liberal?
Yes No Unsure

Do you think Judge Roberts should be confirmed to the Supreme Court?
Yes No Unsure

I kind of think that he should also be asking me:

Do you like me? Yes No Unsure

It just reminds me of those notes that used to get passed in class. I wonder where my cootie catcher is?

Even though I lost out on a cushy job in DC, at least I'm still in the running to coach the Pistons. I hope someday I can be so valuable to an organization that they'll give me a big check to go away. "You're critical to our success, kid. Here's a wad of cash. Get the hell out."

Scotty, we hardly knew ye

Mr. Scott is dead. Yes, James Doohan has passed away at the age of 85.

Many people who never kissed a girl and still live in their parents' basement are in mourning. Just kidding. It's never easy for me to deal with grief. Mea culpa.

One of the greatest life lessons I ever learned was from Mr. Scott. Never tell the boss how long a project is really going to take. Inflate the time and deliver it early and so they'll think you're a miracle worker.

It's somehow fitting that Mr. Scotty passed away on Moon Day. Death is kind of the final frontier when you really think about it.

We'll miss you, Scotty. *sniff* Beam me up.