You've Got to Be a Football Hero

Hey, is something big coming up this weekend? You haven't heard anything about the Most Important Football Game Ever have you? Until next year's Most Important Football Game Ever of course.

I'm just playing with you. I know the Exxon Mobil, Publix, Raymond James Stupor Bowl is in Tampa, FL this weekend. Oh, on NBC of course.

Now some people see this chaos as a time of opportunity. No, not the hookers. I'm talking about the gamblers. Yes, you may be shocked to know that there is gambling on the Super Bowl. I know. How long has this been going on?

Some asshats are still lording it over their spouses that they correctly predicted last year's game. The New England Patsies never, ever cover. Especially Plaxico Burress.

This year it's trickier. The Steel Curtains Matches the Drapes are giving 7 points to the Arizona Non-Desert Indigenous Species Cardinals. Yes, people in Arizona are so excited to find out they have a team in the NFL!

But that's not going to be enough! Yep, I'm going out on a limb. Skip the mortgage and put everything on Pittsburgh. Purely for entertainment purposes only of course. Unless I'm right then I'll gloat about it just like this next year.

But the score isn't the main focus on the game. It's all the proposition bets. Proposition is a French word that means sucker. It's fun to wager on all the oddball things that can happen during the game. The house picks a number and then you have to decide whether that thing is going to happen more or less than that number. See? Simple.

Here are just a few examples. (Yes, you knew we'd get here eventually.)

• Food references by John Madden - over/under 17
• Brett Farve references by John Madden - over/ under 4
• John Madden references by John Madden - over/under 3
• NFL players arrested during game - over/under 2 1/2
• Barack Obama references during game - over/under 15
• Bruce Springsteen wardrobe malfunctions - over/under 1
• References to Mean Joe Green commercial at your Super Bowl Party- over/under 4
• Super Bowl commercials for liquor - over/under 52
• Drunk Driving Public Service Announcements - over/under 1
• Truck Commercials - over/under 34
• Howie Long calls you a pussy for having the wrong truck commercial- over/under 5
• Auto Companies Whining for a Bailout - over/under 1
• Commercials using fart humor to get a cheap laugh - over/under 5
• Commercials using T&A to get noticed - over/under 317
• Commercials you can't tell what they're advertising - over/under 3.5
• MVP thanks Jesus and/or Higher Power - over/under 4
• MVP thanks Agent - over/under 4
• MVP thanks Coach - over/under 0
• MVP refers to self in 3rd person - over/under 2
• Referee obviously blows call on the field - over/under 5
• Telemarketer calls during game and is surprised you don't want to talk - over/under 2
• Obligatory, unoriginal news stories about how much pizza ordered during game - over/under 568

Feel free to pass along your own bets, kids. And enjoy the game. Now pipe down and get in the kitchen and make me a sammich.