Friday, March 23, 2007

With Apologies to Warren Zevon

If you're in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, watch yourself. They've got a werewolf there. Werewolf? There, wolf. Okay, it's actually someone who claims he is a werewolf after he broke into a woman's apartment.

If you don't believe in werewolves, just ask Dwight Schrute. Dwight says, "I shot a werewolf once. But by the time I got to him, he had changed back into my neighbor's dog."

A woman in Fond du Lac (where fondue was actually invented) called police at 3:00 am to report a man breaking into her house. Why do these things always happen then at 3:00 am? Because that's when the bars close.

The man actually broke through the deadbolt on the door. Sure, he's got the strength of 10 men as a werewolf.

Two men in the house grabbed the alleged werewolf and stopped him until the police arrived. Those guys must have been armed with silver bullets or something. I wonder if the werewolf just wanted to hop up on the couch?

As a public service announcement, if a werewolf tries to enter your home, roll up a newspaper and firmly say, "No" in a steady voice. Do not raise your voice. A high pitched tone will only excite the werewolf and perhaps cause him to mark his territory. And you won't have a plastic bag on hand big enough to pick that up.

If the werewolf was really smart, he'd have just transmogrified and pretended to be the lady's dog when the cops got there. Did the cops take him to jail or to the pound?

The man had been drinking heavily (what a surprise) and was eventually charged with criminal trespassing, criminal damage to property, disorderly conduct and possession of marijuana. Who saw that coming? There's nothing worse than a werewolf with the munchies. Hide all the Snausages.

Oh, and he wasn't on a leash and wasn't wearing his tags.

Happy Friday, kids. Try not to let any werewolves bite you this weekend. Even if she does look like Christina Ricci.


Iwanski said...

Fond du Lac is a weird town. I used to like there. I'll believe anything, so long as the person is from Fond du Lac.

Iwanski said...

Sorry, I meant I used to LIVE THERE, not like there.

Obviously no one likes Fond du Lac.