Wednesday, January 03, 2007

A Steely Resolve

All the cool kids are doing it. Of course, I'm talking about making foolish New Year's Resolutions. Which makes no sense at all. I'm mean, we're perfect aren't we? But the most annoying thing about perfection is the other people who think they're perfect and just ruin it for the rest of us, faithful readers.

The way to really do this is to make resolutions for other people. I like to write down some life improvement lessons instructions orders on a 3x5 card and hand them out. People always warmly welcome these helpful instructions so much. So here are my orders for the coming year.

Britney Spears: Wear some underwears, trampy. Or at least a skirt long enough to cover your sausage wallet when you're getting in and out of limos whilst on a bender.

Mel Gibson: Keep your racist pie-hole shut. And cough up for a cab.

Al Sharpton: Don't bring a corpse (no matter how nicely he's dressed) to a concert. And is there anywhere you won't go to be on camera. Learn to say no.

Rose Bowl Majorettes: That wasn't marching in the Rose Bowl Parade, young ladies. That was shaking it as hard as you possibly could. It's not a club, it's a parade. You probably pulled a muscle trying to do that for five and a half miles.

Rosie O'Donnell: Shut the hell up.

Donald Trump: Shut the fuck up.

Madonna: You can't take him back even if you kept the receipt. And stop it with that fake accent. You're from Bay City, poser.

Oprah: It's not charity if you take a camera crew.

Kevin Federline: Just go quietly. It's pathetic really.

Paula Abdul: Do not fill the Coke glass with vodka. And don't take it so personally. You're no MC Skat Cat after all.

Harrison Ford: Let it go, you're not up for a 4th time as Indiana Jones. Just try to stay away from any movie with Josh Hartnett.

Kathy Griffin: I love you. Even your reality show. But Alka Seltzer commercials? Please say no just this one time.

Tom Cruise: See Donald Trump.
Vince Vaughan: Next time you hook up with a soho, tell her not to email the entire sorority. Discretion, baby, discretion.

Feel free to submit your own "instructions for others."

8 comments:

Jurgen Nation said...

Fergie (of the Black Eyed variety and not the Duchess variety): please stop ramming hot pokers in my eyes and making them bleed. Admit that you are a man and move on. Wear it loud and proud, Sister Mister!

Reigning Frog said...

Oh, this is one of the top 10 funniest blog posts I've ever read.

I'll add:

Tori Spelling: Censorship might be a good thing if it means you never publish a memoir.

Justin Timberlake: Take your un-sexy ass back to Tennessee and leave us alone.

Lindsay Lohan: Give it up--you're not Ann Margaret.

Nicole Richie: How dumb do you think we are? Eat a slice of pizza for God's sake.

Kris said...

RF, no hating on the JT! Seriously, if Donald wasn't going to bring sexy back, somebody had to . . .

Reigning Frog said...

Sorry, I don't understand the JT appeal. Have you ever heard him speak? That's what did it for me. Not a brain cell in his head.

SarahReznor said...

this might be my favorite post of all time..! i wanna add one- Lohan - join a cult, suicide one if possible, and fuck off.

t2ed said...

You guys say the nicest thing.

I really can't keep Lohan, Paris and Brittney separate. They all tend to merge into one uber-skank in my head.

Kate the Peon said...

Sausage wallet? NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE

Spinning Girl said...

This made me perfectly, incandescently happy.