Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I Want You Back
This just in.... Michael Jackson is still dead. It's finally starting to sink in. Despite all of the news stories, Michael Jackson remains dead.
Sure, they've already spotted his ghost on a car's hood in England. They call it a bonnet, but it's a hood. Those wacky English. It's like they've got another word for everything. Wuh?
But a Michael Jackson ghost? I thought he was pretty spooky when he was alive.
But while the critically important information about Michael Jackson's life insurance rates still haven't been unearthed, it's only a matter of time. Come on, people. It's always about the life insurance. I learned that from watching Double Indemnity so many times.
Most importantly, it's finally time that Michael's getting his most fitting tribute. He'll be immortalized in butter at the upcoming Iowa State Fair. And don't think that Immortal Butter isn't a good name for a rock and roll band. Don't worry, they'll still have the Butter Cow. I don't know how I'm going to last until the fair starts in August.
But some people don't think butter is a proper art form for the King of Pop. The Iowa fair is actually letting people vote about it's propriety. Vote early, vote often. Just like you live in Chicago. Apparently the statue will have an astronaut on the moon and MJ will be moon walking. Yeah, that sounds like a pretty far way to go just to shoehorn him in there and ride some coattails.
Savvy fair-goers know they have to keep the sculptures inside a temperature controlled environment. But in case there's a power outage and MJ's statue starts to melt, it'll look just like the real thing. This is a little like when we got to vote on the Elvis stamp. Which nose do you think they'll use on MJ?
No matter how the vote goes, they'd better still have the Erotic Corndog Eating Contest. You don't mess with tradition.
Sure, they've already spotted his ghost on a car's hood in England. They call it a bonnet, but it's a hood. Those wacky English. It's like they've got another word for everything. Wuh?
But a Michael Jackson ghost? I thought he was pretty spooky when he was alive.
But while the critically important information about Michael Jackson's life insurance rates still haven't been unearthed, it's only a matter of time. Come on, people. It's always about the life insurance. I learned that from watching Double Indemnity so many times.
Most importantly, it's finally time that Michael's getting his most fitting tribute. He'll be immortalized in butter at the upcoming Iowa State Fair. And don't think that Immortal Butter isn't a good name for a rock and roll band. Don't worry, they'll still have the Butter Cow. I don't know how I'm going to last until the fair starts in August.
But some people don't think butter is a proper art form for the King of Pop. The Iowa fair is actually letting people vote about it's propriety. Vote early, vote often. Just like you live in Chicago. Apparently the statue will have an astronaut on the moon and MJ will be moon walking. Yeah, that sounds like a pretty far way to go just to shoehorn him in there and ride some coattails.
Savvy fair-goers know they have to keep the sculptures inside a temperature controlled environment. But in case there's a power outage and MJ's statue starts to melt, it'll look just like the real thing. This is a little like when we got to vote on the Elvis stamp. Which nose do you think they'll use on MJ?
No matter how the vote goes, they'd better still have the Erotic Corndog Eating Contest. You don't mess with tradition.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Human Touch
I'm getting less and less in touch with reality. That's probably because reality sux and all the stuff that people seem to care about, I can't even pretend to whip up any enthusiasm about. Seriously, give me the crawl on SportsCenter for about 5 minutes and I'm done.
Things I currently don't get:
Michael Jackson: He's still dead, right? Proud to say I didn't watch any of the funeral. Tried to tune out any ancillary info from people who did. Always hated his music. Surprised so many people are concerned about a drug addled pedophile. The good news, if it's too hot where you are, there's an umbrella carrier who's now looking for work.
Jon & Kate: Never seen it. Only seen clips on The Soup. Why are they on magazines? Think they should start selling Free Jon t-shirts. Sure he is glad to be free of Harpie McNaggie. Possible new show title: Kate + 8 + 1/2 of Jon's stuff. Or how 'bout Jon + Kate Every Other Weekend. Okay, last one: Jon + Kate + 8 Divorce Attorneys.
Sarah Palin: Good riddance. Bet she wants to be the next OctoMom.
Mark Sanford: In his defense, the mascot for the school is the Gamecock. Guess we know why. Speaking about not connected to reality, did he really think he could get away with it? He should blame his cell carrier. "Oh, you said 'hike the Appalachian Trail?' I thought you said, 'Get some Argentinian tail. Honest mistake." Don't the politicos know that you use your State Troopers to bring the hot women to your room and then drop your pants? I miss you, Bill. And where are the pictures of that woman? It is good to see the Republicans sleeping with women again though.
Big Box Stores: This may come as a shock to them, but when you can't find what you want, you get pissed and go somewhere else. No one is going to roam up and down every aisle in Home Despot to try to find where they've hidden the Price Pfister faucets. Seriously, now that they have the self-service check outs, no one actually works there any more. Bring an orange apron with you and steal the place blind.
ESPN SportsCenter: Referenced earlier, but wtf happened to this show. It used to be the best thing on tv. Now it sucks. First, quit yelling at me. Second, I don't give a shit that you're in California. Third, quit bringing celebs on the show. Just show us highlights already. Fourth, My Wish? I don't want sick kids in the morning. We're already depressed because we have to get up and go to work. Just show us the scores. My Wish is that you'd show some fucking highlights. Or that you'd finally hit more than .200 Jimmy Rollins. Fifth, reporting Shaq's tweet is not news.
All right. That's enough of a rant for now. At least it's Friday.
What are you kids not getting?
Things I currently don't get:
Michael Jackson: He's still dead, right? Proud to say I didn't watch any of the funeral. Tried to tune out any ancillary info from people who did. Always hated his music. Surprised so many people are concerned about a drug addled pedophile. The good news, if it's too hot where you are, there's an umbrella carrier who's now looking for work.
Jon & Kate: Never seen it. Only seen clips on The Soup. Why are they on magazines? Think they should start selling Free Jon t-shirts. Sure he is glad to be free of Harpie McNaggie. Possible new show title: Kate + 8 + 1/2 of Jon's stuff. Or how 'bout Jon + Kate Every Other Weekend. Okay, last one: Jon + Kate + 8 Divorce Attorneys.
Sarah Palin: Good riddance. Bet she wants to be the next OctoMom.
Mark Sanford: In his defense, the mascot for the school is the Gamecock. Guess we know why. Speaking about not connected to reality, did he really think he could get away with it? He should blame his cell carrier. "Oh, you said 'hike the Appalachian Trail?' I thought you said, 'Get some Argentinian tail. Honest mistake." Don't the politicos know that you use your State Troopers to bring the hot women to your room and then drop your pants? I miss you, Bill. And where are the pictures of that woman? It is good to see the Republicans sleeping with women again though.
Big Box Stores: This may come as a shock to them, but when you can't find what you want, you get pissed and go somewhere else. No one is going to roam up and down every aisle in Home Despot to try to find where they've hidden the Price Pfister faucets. Seriously, now that they have the self-service check outs, no one actually works there any more. Bring an orange apron with you and steal the place blind.
ESPN SportsCenter: Referenced earlier, but wtf happened to this show. It used to be the best thing on tv. Now it sucks. First, quit yelling at me. Second, I don't give a shit that you're in California. Third, quit bringing celebs on the show. Just show us highlights already. Fourth, My Wish? I don't want sick kids in the morning. We're already depressed because we have to get up and go to work. Just show us the scores. My Wish is that you'd show some fucking highlights. Or that you'd finally hit more than .200 Jimmy Rollins. Fifth, reporting Shaq's tweet is not news.
All right. That's enough of a rant for now. At least it's Friday.
What are you kids not getting?
Friday, July 03, 2009
Eternal Flame
Hiya, kids! It's almost July 4th. And as Americans, it's our civic duty to take the day off, eat grilled meat, drink and blow stuff up! Remember, if you skip any of those, the terrorists win.
I will confess to working one summer in a fireworks distribution center. That means I loaded semi's. And got a lot of illegal fireworks when we had stuff left over at the end of the season. Why are all the best fireworks available the very next state over? Lucky stiffs.
But if you're worried about fireworks safety, don't. Because all the fireworks are made in China. And we know what sticklers they are for public safety. So when you read the extremely detailed safety instructions on your illegal fireworks, just follow them carefully.
I will confess to working one summer in a fireworks distribution center. That means I loaded semi's. And got a lot of illegal fireworks when we had stuff left over at the end of the season. Why are all the best fireworks available the very next state over? Lucky stiffs.
But if you're worried about fireworks safety, don't. Because all the fireworks are made in China. And we know what sticklers they are for public safety. So when you read the extremely detailed safety instructions on your illegal fireworks, just follow them carefully.
- Light fuse
- Place on ground
- Get away
That's right. Get away. Nothing can possibly go wrong with that.
But these guys said it best. It's Paul and Storm and it's 4 minutes in. Enjoy!
Thursday, July 02, 2009
The Tender Trap
As a regular reader, you're acquainted with the many, many times I've pointed out our long, long obsession with breasts. That this also makes me giggle should in no way undermine the serious, serious nature of the issue. Which is why I so lovingly write of the Cleavacious. 
But we have something equally as fabulous today. Almost as fabulous as ginormous, gravity-defying, mouth-watering scoops of flesh. Yes, it's the RackTrap.
Lacking a purse (or even a man bag, baby), I'm all too well aware of all the crap that women have to tote around all the time: Make up, lipstick, pretty little frilly things, hard boiled eggs (for that trip to Let's Make a Deal where you finally screw over Monty Hall once and for all), pool repair kits, kleenex for snotty urchins, coupons, feminine hygiene supplies, nuclear launch codes, keys to houses you've not lived in for decades, change (usually from foreign countries), credit cards (never any actual local currency), sandwich cards, etc.
Which is why you can now also stash stuff in your breasticles. Tjhe RackTrap is "an undetectable bra pocket." I don't know about undetectability. In fact, a lot of women seem to have exactly the opposite intention. They're actually dressing for detection. Lots and lots of detection. To foil pickpockets, you should never ostentatiously show off your valuables. Got to tell you ladies, that's probably the first thing a potential pickpocket will be checking out.
Anyhoo, the instructions for the RackTrap are very simple. First, locate your breasts. If you are unable to locate your breasts, I'm sure that any man you ask will be more than willing to help you. Second, decide which breasts is easily reached. Again, any issues, see a man for help. We're such givers. Third, tuck the RackTrap between your chest and your cup. Viola! They've even got a video. Unfortunately as someone with access to real, live chesticles usually only on a daily basis, that shirt really kept me from understanding how to use the RackTrap. Maybe another demonstration would be more helpful. Something without all that clothing to get in the way and ruin the instructional nature of the film.
The RackTrap is only $7.95. Or you can order 4. Of course they come in an even number. They always travel in pairs.
Now the RackTrap is a fine name. But you can't ever have too many good ideas, can you?
May I humbly submit:
But we have something equally as fabulous today. Almost as fabulous as ginormous, gravity-defying, mouth-watering scoops of flesh. Yes, it's the RackTrap.
Lacking a purse (or even a man bag, baby), I'm all too well aware of all the crap that women have to tote around all the time: Make up, lipstick, pretty little frilly things, hard boiled eggs (for that trip to Let's Make a Deal where you finally screw over Monty Hall once and for all), pool repair kits, kleenex for snotty urchins, coupons, feminine hygiene supplies, nuclear launch codes, keys to houses you've not lived in for decades, change (usually from foreign countries), credit cards (never any actual local currency), sandwich cards, etc.
Which is why you can now also stash stuff in your breasticles. Tjhe RackTrap is "an undetectable bra pocket." I don't know about undetectability. In fact, a lot of women seem to have exactly the opposite intention. They're actually dressing for detection. Lots and lots of detection. To foil pickpockets, you should never ostentatiously show off your valuables. Got to tell you ladies, that's probably the first thing a potential pickpocket will be checking out.
Anyhoo, the instructions for the RackTrap are very simple. First, locate your breasts. If you are unable to locate your breasts, I'm sure that any man you ask will be more than willing to help you. Second, decide which breasts is easily reached. Again, any issues, see a man for help. We're such givers. Third, tuck the RackTrap between your chest and your cup. Viola! They've even got a video. Unfortunately as someone with access to real, live chesticles usually only on a daily basis, that shirt really kept me from understanding how to use the RackTrap. Maybe another demonstration would be more helpful. Something without all that clothing to get in the way and ruin the instructional nature of the film.
The RackTrap is only $7.95. Or you can order 4. Of course they come in an even number. They always travel in pairs.
Now the RackTrap is a fine name. But you can't ever have too many good ideas, can you?
May I humbly submit:
- Treasure Chest
- Boobie Bank
- My Cup Runneth Over
- Ta Ta Travel All
- RackTastic
- Knocker Nook
- The Tranny Cranny
- Hidden Assets
- Bra-llet
- Winnebago Wad
- ChestChange
- SweaterPuppies Stash
- Co Co Carryall
- Guns No Show
- Fun Pillows Purse
- Honkers Be Hidden
I'm sure you have ideas as well, kids.
Anybody actually own one of these?
I always thought women just took the money given to them and put it in there anyway. Like in My Favorite Year when she takes the dollar bill for accordian lessons and secretes is away. You're welcome to the two of you who got that reference. Any man worth his salt would ever turn down a sweaty bill recently plucked from the midst of your undercarriage.
And a tip of the cap to Froggie for passing knowlege of this wonderful product along. Keep those stupid ideas coming!
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