Saturday, February 16, 2008

Cuts Like a Knife

Every now and then I'll try to think about what makes the Midwest unique. Is it the awful weather? Is it the numerous foreclosures in the crummy real estate market? Is it the crazies who live there? I'm going with the latter.

In Adrian, Michigan, Frank Kozumplik was arrested for driving his lawnmower while drunk. And this may come as a shock, but Frank had taken his lawnmower to the liquor store. There he bought 4 bottles of wine. When police pulled Fugitive Frank over, he was down to two bottles. So you know he was having a good time. Frank might have to do the old lawn by hand next Spring as the cops also impounded his mower.

I wonder if they knew he'd been drinking because the mower cuts on the lawns weren't in perfectly straight lines? And when they tried to pull him over I'll bet he acted like he couldn't hear them over the mower engine. That never gets old when you don't want to talk to your neighbor.

Now I've never driven a lawnmower while intoxicated, so I'm not sure what the perfect auto accessories for a mower are. I always figured you'd just need a cooler. But Frank was going with the vino for his jaunt. I'm guessing there wasn't a cork involved in this kind of wine. Because there's no way you can steer a lawnmower and operate a corkscrew at the same time. Yes, this is probably good old screwtop wine. I also think a boxed wine might be the way to go here. That way if the mower vibrated too much and your wine fell off the mower, it wouldn't break.

Frank had to have really wanted it. Because you know riding around a mower in the Winter in Michigan has got to be a bit brisk. How could you even get it started in your mittens? I had trouble getting the dang thing started in the Summer.


RoxRocks said...

He definitely should have gone with the boxed wine although everyone knows beer goes better with mowing. That's how I roll, don't you?

Anonymous said...

Yes, I think the choice of wine over beer is the most curious part of this story. That, and the fact that he wouldn't actually be mowing this time of year. I can only imagine that he thought he was doing the responsible thing by not getting behind the wheel of a car.

Iwanski said...

The fact that it was wine makes me wish they would have let him go.