Spring Break Safety Tips

The great thing about working for The Man at a large jumbotronic dronefarm is that periodically you receive stuff that is in no way intended to be funny yet really is. This is one of those times.

We were recently sent a Power Point presentation with all sorts of tips (many many tips, Lloyd Dobler) about how to be safe over Spring Break.

See if you can tell which ones I made up and which ones are designed to protect us Little Brains so we can return and continue to work for The Man. Yes, that sign over there is an actual visual from the presentation and not something I made up. I still prefer the "Prison Area - Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers" sign a bit better. Especially Those In Striped Jump Suits is a possible addemdum.

Here We Go:

If Flying or Cruising, protect yourself and prevent the spread of communicable diseases (Norovirus, Avian Influenza, etc.) with hand hygiene as the focus of infection control.

Wash your hands after:
-using a toilet
-coughing or sneezing into hands
-vomiting in a toilet after the margarita contest
-engaging in any activity that may have contaminated hands
-giving a "high-jacking" so as to become a member of the Mile High Club
-touching dirty whores
-signing any waiver and exposing yourself for a movie camera

Wash your hands before:
-handling food
-eating or drinking
-smoking
-masturbating
-brushing teeth
-engaging in any activity that involves hand-to-mouth contact (including but not limited to blowjobs)
-screaming "I'm so wasted" and exposing yourself to complete strangers (with or without cameras)

Wash your hands frequently throughout the day even if you think they don’t need to be washed. Once you are asked if you suffer from an obsessive compulsive disorder, you need to wash your hands just a bit more.

Driver Safety in Urban or Foreign areas:

-Always lock your car doors while driving, and keep the windows up to keep others from reaching inside or your children escaping from your Hell on Wheels.
-At stop signs and lights keep the car in gear and stay alert. Don't stop, you fool! Can't you see they're after all your money. It's not paranoia, it's safety!
-Travel well-lighted, busy streets. The busier, the better. Ideally, a street should be so busy that you actually don't move at all.
-Keep your purse and other valuables out of sight. Ask your wife to hide her head in your lap for safety.
-Park in safe well lighted areas near your destination. Ideally, an airport runway.
-Always lock your car, even for a short absence. Otherwise, they'll find the drifter's body.
-Never pick up a hitchhiker. Especially one wearing a striped jump suit (discussed more fully above). Whores are still okay to pick up.
-Always keep a way out between you and the vehicle in front of you while stopped. What did we tell you about stopping? Knock it off already.

I'm sure there are other safety tips you can think up. Don't be shy about keeping us all safe while you're on Spring Break.

Meanwhile, I'll be hear slaving while you're off having fun. Dammit, don't I have any vacation left?