Still Friends?

We've run the gamut of Spring Break mayhem here all week: drinking, wet t-shirt contests, kidnapping, stupidity. But all good things must come to an end. You have to say goodbye to that stranger you macked with when you were wasted and the bar closed and kicked you out.

And it's over for Matt LeBlanc and his wife of three years Melissa LeBlanc nee McKnight. Wow, three years. That's even longer than Joey is going to be on the air.

Why are they getting divorced? No reasons are given in the flacktivity propogated by their respective spokespersons, but I've got a few ideas:

• She's seen his show (with a tip of the cap to my wife who came up with that one on the spot last night while watching the news)
• Endlessly suggesting threesomes with Matthew Perry
• That cute "How You Doon?" line not quite so cute every morning for three straight years
• Constant insistance that orangutangs could play baseball
• When depressed whines that he should have stuck to fighting crime with "The Angels"
• Whenever he misplaces keys, insists they are Lost.....In Space
• Random musings about the undiscovered genius of Married With Children's lesser known characters
• Yelled out "Rachel" while making love
• Dressing up in her clothes "for research"
• Always wants to drive because "he's a pilot"

Okay, two Lost in Space jokes is piling on. I'm sorry. No word on whether this split counts as being on a break.

And if you've had the misfortune to see all of those Matt LeBlanc projects, you need help, my friend.

Ransom of Red Chief

I wrote earlier about how you need to be careful on Spring Break so you don't get kidnapped. They even have road signs to warn you. Apparently, they need some of those signs in Gallatin, Tennessee.

William Ellis (who has an Uncle who uses the name "Fly" and while that's just asking for trouble how cool would it be to have an Uncle Fly?), was kidnapped after armed gunmen broke into his house. Initial ransom demands were $20,000 for William's release.

During 24 hours of negotiations, the ransom demand kept get lowered. "As time passed, it was turning into a frustrated situation and they just beat on me a little bit more, and it got to a point where they was tired of wasting time," Ellis said.

I can only imagine how those phone calls must have gone. "Oh, twenty. Man, that's going to be tough because I don't get paid until next Friday. You keep him for a while more and I'll make a few calls and see what I can do."

"Hey, you're calling again? I thought I was supposed to be calling you. Oh, that's right. I don't have your number. I made some calls but nothing is really happening because a lot of people aren't around at this time of night but I've got a really good NCAA bracket and I'm optimistic. Give me a few hours and I'll call you back. Oh, yeah, that's right. Okay, I'll hear from you then."

"Hey, this isn't happening. I can't find a guy who owes me money. So...um..I guess he's yours. Good luck."

Finally the kidnappers talked to Ellis' sister. She must have the gift of gab because the kidnappers released Ellis after that.

The kidnappers take from this whole caper? Twenty-three dollars stolen when they initially broke into the house.

No word on whether General Motors is hiring the Ellis family to handle their negotiations with the United Auto Workers. Hope they don't need to beat on them a little bit more.

You Know I Can't Dance

A linebacker for the Philadephia Eagles, Dhani Jones, was arrested early Sunday morning for getting jiggy with it outside a vogue South Beach nightclub in Miami, Florida. Dhani probably thinks he a le freak, but he's really just a cool jerk.

Jones was shaking his groove thing outside the Snatch Rock & Roll Bar and Lounge at 2:51 am early Sunday morning. He was getting down tonight with an unidentified woman and several others who were into the groove and dancing in the street. Police told Jones this was not the land of 1000 dances and that this was his last dance and that he would have to take his celebration over to the YMCA. Jones responded that it was his prerogative that he needed more, more, more and that he was just boogie, oogie, oogieing to the music. Jones continued to push it, shout, rock the boat and didn't stop till he got enough.

That was a straight up misdemeanor for failure to obey a lawful command.

The Dancing Queen with Jones was smart enough to locomote out of the way of the Love Train that was due in the vicinity all night long, all night.

Jones is awaits arraignment at his brick house in Funkytown. His attorney, Louie Louie, said Jones never can say goodbye once he wants to dance with somebody. He alleges that police rang his bell causing a love hangover which required treatment from Doctor Love. The injuries may no longer allow Jones to get it up and feel like a sex machine and take his time and do it right. Luckily, Jones will survive after police left him this way.

Wow, that's 33 lame musical reference by my count. Unless I got it twisted or upside down the way I like it (that's the way). It's gonna make you sweat if you can't finally find them all and be the first, the last and my everything. The forecast is for it to start raining men so play that funky music, white boy. Ain't no stopping us now.

Spring Break Shenanigans

It's good to see that even though everyone goes to Florida on Spring Break, some folks from Michigan can still manage to get in trouble. Seems a couple of Michigan DJ's are being prosecuted for misdemeanor disorderly conduct.

Christopher Scott and Louis Green were running a wet t-shirt contest as an establishment called Hammerhead Fred's in Panama City, Florida. It's hard to tell whether this place is more of a nightclub or a restaurant, but I certainly wouldn't order the crabs.

A citizen of Panama City complained to local police that Spring Break festivities inside Fred's included Live Sex Acts (you always have to capitalize that phrase). No mention of who the wet blanket is because presumably everyone else in Hammerhead Fred's would kick his ass. The original complaint alleged that the contest had females up there performing "oral sex on one another" according to Bay County sheriff's Capt. Rickie Ramie.

"I just came here for a nice meal and then all these women started flashing me and I couldn't enjoy my grouper sandwich anymore." It's a shame a few bad apples have to ruin a good time for everyone.

Undercover officers were dispatched to the location of the complaint. And I can just imagine how the volunteers were chosen for that assignment. "All right, listen up. We've got a complaint of live sex acts at a bar here in town. Any volunteers to investigate? Anyone? C'mon guys, someone has to check this out."

Once the contest started, all hell broke loose. "The women were encouraged to remove the t-shirts, expose themselves, and allow the audience to fondle them and bite their nipples," wrote Tara Roberts of the Panama City Community Site. And if I'm running the Panama City Community Site, I'd be posting this too. I can't think of anything that would help tourism more, but please, no biting!

According to the DJ's, a woman on stage exposed herself (skin to win) after which undercover officers arrested "just about anybody within reach." Best part of that story? Written by Joe Snapper. Wouldn't you assign Joe Snapper to write any story with a seafood element?

No word on who won the contest, however, both Diana Chang (23 of Naperville, IL) and Jacquein Strong (17, of Orange Beach, AL) were taken into custody. She's just 17 (and you know what I mean)? Put her down, Jerry Lee. That means two things: she had both a fake id and fabulous breasticles. Chang is reportedly either a current of former student of the University of Illinois. Hopefully, she's majoring in Dance so this can be good for some class credits.

Now I don't know the nuances of this area of the law (darn). But Diana was arrested for lewd and lascivious conduct while Jacquein was arrested for nudity, indecent conduct at an establishment serving food. Is this a permit issue? Driving with a load not properly tied down perhaps? One is lewd and lascivious while one is nude and indecent around food. What could possible be the hair splitting going on around here? Maybe that's it. Maybe no hair nets were involved and it's really a hygiene issue.

Try not to expose yourself in public kids. But if you do, we can always play the video backwards and it'll look like you're coming to your senses.

Spring Break Safety Tips

The great thing about working for The Man at a large jumbotronic dronefarm is that periodically you receive stuff that is in no way intended to be funny yet really is. This is one of those times.

We were recently sent a Power Point presentation with all sorts of tips (many many tips, Lloyd Dobler) about how to be safe over Spring Break.

See if you can tell which ones I made up and which ones are designed to protect us Little Brains so we can return and continue to work for The Man. Yes, that sign over there is an actual visual from the presentation and not something I made up. I still prefer the "Prison Area - Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers" sign a bit better. Especially Those In Striped Jump Suits is a possible addemdum.

Here We Go:

If Flying or Cruising, protect yourself and prevent the spread of communicable diseases (Norovirus, Avian Influenza, etc.) with hand hygiene as the focus of infection control.

Wash your hands after:
-using a toilet
-coughing or sneezing into hands
-vomiting in a toilet after the margarita contest
-engaging in any activity that may have contaminated hands
-giving a "high-jacking" so as to become a member of the Mile High Club
-touching dirty whores
-signing any waiver and exposing yourself for a movie camera

Wash your hands before:
-handling food
-eating or drinking
-smoking
-masturbating
-brushing teeth
-engaging in any activity that involves hand-to-mouth contact (including but not limited to blowjobs)
-screaming "I'm so wasted" and exposing yourself to complete strangers (with or without cameras)

Wash your hands frequently throughout the day even if you think they don’t need to be washed. Once you are asked if you suffer from an obsessive compulsive disorder, you need to wash your hands just a bit more.

Driver Safety in Urban or Foreign areas:

-Always lock your car doors while driving, and keep the windows up to keep others from reaching inside or your children escaping from your Hell on Wheels.
-At stop signs and lights keep the car in gear and stay alert. Don't stop, you fool! Can't you see they're after all your money. It's not paranoia, it's safety!
-Travel well-lighted, busy streets. The busier, the better. Ideally, a street should be so busy that you actually don't move at all.
-Keep your purse and other valuables out of sight. Ask your wife to hide her head in your lap for safety.
-Park in safe well lighted areas near your destination. Ideally, an airport runway.
-Always lock your car, even for a short absence. Otherwise, they'll find the drifter's body.
-Never pick up a hitchhiker. Especially one wearing a striped jump suit (discussed more fully above). Whores are still okay to pick up.
-Always keep a way out between you and the vehicle in front of you while stopped. What did we tell you about stopping? Knock it off already.

I'm sure there are other safety tips you can think up. Don't be shy about keeping us all safe while you're on Spring Break.

Meanwhile, I'll be hear slaving while you're off having fun. Dammit, don't I have any vacation left?

Pretty As A

I did more than just watch my brackets go up in flames this weekend. I also posted my Cayman Island pix on Flickr.

Go here if you want to torment yourself with tranquil beaches and beautiful water.

Bracketology

Are you watching? Do you already have the madness? How many brackets have you filled out already? Do it all the way to the Final Four or round by round or both? I think I've got about 4 brackets going with only 1 a round by round pick.

After yesterday, I'm 13/16. Seton Hall fucked me. But then I should know better than to listen to Dick Vitale.

I don't know any workplace that doesn't have a pool going. But don't believe that it's costing business an estimated 3.8 billion dollars in lost productivity. That's the number estimated by the Department of Statistics We Pulled Out of Our Ass. Because if employees didn't have the NCAA tourney to dick around with, they certainly couldn't find anything else to keep from doing their work. Like reading blogs.....

Oh, and happy St. Patrick's Day. Erin Go Braughless. What does Erin go Braugh really mean? It's the anglicized version of the Gaelic phrase which means Ireland Forever. Sort of a Mick version of Semper Fi. Don't drink too much green beer kids!

Get Into the Groove

Who's got the funk? I've got the funk. Just can't seem to get back into the swing of working for the Man.

I think my body has been climatized to the circardian rhythm of ocean waves, Red Stripes and reading in the sun. It has been a major chore to complete my appointed toil. I've been sitting in meetings non-stop since my returing and zoning out while I ponder who I would vote off my island.

Hopefully the onset of March Madness and the task of trying to track four NCAA brackets simultaneously will snap me out of my funk.

I don't think it helps that when you go on vacation, your work just sits. It's there waiting for you, growing larger and ever larger. Just like the dust bunnies under your bed. The longer it goes on, the worse the clean up will be.

At least I'm doing to 51 emails after three days--the power of multi-crapping during conference calls. My favorite trick to not pay attention, "I'm sorry, the phone cut out, can you repeat that question." An oldie but a goodie.

I wonder what's the longest amount of time you could be completely worthless at work and have no one notice? It may be 30 years for a few folks.

Hell & Back Again

I'm baaaaaaa-aaack. And no, despite what you may think, it wasn't a long time. Barely enough to regain my sanity (such as it is). Don't blame me. Delta only flies to the Caymans on Tuesdays and Saturdays. We were there 11 days. Since 2 were travel days that really shouldn't count, it was only 9 days in Paradise.

No, I was not lured away by a Dutch Boy. And shouldn't he be out painting somewhere anyway?

Yes, that's Hell over there on the right.
It really exists. And it sells t-shirts and other tourist trap crap. That's what I think Hell is going to be like anyway. We had to drive over from the East side of Grand Cayman where we were staying and check out Hell. Because if you flew a couple of thousand miles and then didn't drive 20 more to see Hell, you'd kick yourself the rest of your life.

Grand Cayman is only about 25 miles long. It's got a big port where all the annoying cruise ships put into during the week and make the downtown area amazingly congested. But since we were smart enough to avoid that area (after the first time), the ships make a nice sight from far away or when headed out to see at night while they are all lit up. The ships, not us all lit up.

Cayman seems to have the most amazingly blue water I've ever seen in my life. I don't know if it's the sun, the sand, the water or some amazing chemical they insert into the water to make it look that way, but it's awesome. Take a glance.
That's a wreck from 1903 we swam out to and snorkeled. I don't know how they make it that color, but it's absolutely gorgeous.

Michigan, for some strange reason, does not possess this color.

Cayman got whacked hard by Hurricane Ivan last year and they're still trying to clean up. A lot of folks were either under or un-insured. So there are lots of battered homes (some quite large) and a lot of the trees on the inner part of the island got whacked from all the seawater dumped on them.

That being said, there look to be some great deals in real estate around the island. Wife and I found a great little starter home. We couldn't actually find a For Sale sign, so we may just start squatting. It's got a great view. And when you've got a great view and true love, do you really need doors and windows? Granted the no protection from the weather may play hell with the electronic equipment (especially during the next 'cane season), but I don't think the cable runs out to that part of the island anyway.

Enough about nonsense. What else did we do? Beached and snorkled it every day. Swam with stingrays and even got to hold a big one. Saw a guy feed a 6 foot long green moray eel out of a cut out Clorox jug.

I've also got to get used to driving on the right side of the road again. And using traffic light instead of roundabouts. And wearing shoes. And shirts. And pants.

Man, this sucks. It's good to get away, but it's Hell to come home.