Fourth Fun

Remember kids, fireworks and alcohol don't mix. So get all of your drinking out of the way before you start lighting the bottle rockets. It's chug then boom.

Llong ago I actually worked in a fireworks factory. All we did was take the fireworks which were made in China and put in large, ugly plain brown boxes and repackage them into those colorful assortment boxes sold at all of those transient stands that seem to pop up overnight at this time of year. What a racket.

That same summer two other fireworks factories blew up. I actually had to keep someone from trying to smoke in the warehouse. Yikes!

To amuse myself, I used to read the instructions on the fireworks. And I think it was safe to safe that though they were printed in English, it might have been a bad translation.

There was one firework called a Lotus Blossom that you put on the ground and then it spun around very fast and changed colors. It was only for night use or you would see the colors and spinning correctly. And the instructions on the firework were (and I'm not making this up):

Place on ground. Lite fuse. Get away.

I still remember the typo on light to this day.

The only good thing about that job was that my house had a bitchin' fireworks display that year from all the leftover crap that didn't get sold. I wound up setting one of the buses in our yard on fire from an errant bottle rocket and had to scramble for a bucket of water. Ah, memories.

Be safe folks. You don't want to be nicknamed "Stumpy" the rest of your life.

An Epiphany

If we close Guantanamo, could we just send all the detainees to Neverland Ranch where we know it's an abuse free environment?

I'm just saying.....

The Animal Conspiracy aka Shark Triscuits

I wish I had discovered this, but it's the genius of Tim Bedore (as heard on NPR and The Bob & Tom Show) who first pointed out that all animals hate us.

There were three more attacks recently. The first two were shark attacks in Florida. I immediately screamed, "This was no boat accident."

Now I don't know what they make boogie boards out of, but I've renamed them Shark Triscuits. I can't count the number of times I've seen a shot of some boogie board with a shark bite taken out of it. I don't know if sharks love them or not, but people are just the meat that sit on top of a cracker to them.

The other attack involved a bear and a couple of campers and took place in Alaska.

Now this is getting just a little too spooky. Animals on both sides of America's coast are coordinating their attacks! You can't swim because of the sharks and you can't camp because of the bears. Is it any wonder we're seeing increasing urbanization?

As you make your plans for the 4th of July, look out for the squirrels. How do they fit in? In the words of Tim Bedore, "Surveillance obviously."

Be safe out there kids.

Quote of the Week

I'm definitely going to have to get on a new schedule for the QOTW. I just can't seem to get my shit in gear on a Friday afternoon and get this posted.

So I'm shooting for a Monday release. How's that for productivity? Wow, feel the wheels of commerce a turning.

Here it be:

If you cannot reach a site, wait a few minutes and try again.
Please do not call the us directly, as we are aware of the problem.

--Virtucon's IT department giving us "tips" regarding the corporate intranet availability issues we've been having

Thank you, Mr. Helper! Now return to your toil, drones.

TV + DVD = Hilarity

I'm not sure why, but some television shows are better on DVD than they are on television. It doesn't make sense, but if you sit and watch the shows back to back on the DVD release they're actually better than if you watched them when they were aired on television.

I've noticed this with both Arrested Development and Entourage. I actually think Arrested Development was funnier when I watched shows consecutively.

That being the case, I'm sure Saved By The Bell is going to be hilarious this time around. Next time you are in Best Buy look through the television section of the DVD's and notice how much shit is in there. Shows that aboslutely blew chunks are available for purchase. The DVD format must also be comedy enhancing even for truly crappy shows.

Why else would Airwolf be on DVD? I'm betting that's even funnier than the Anna Nicole Show. It's also kind of scary that Amazon suggests that if you like Anna Nicole, you'll also like The Simple Life. The horror....the horror.....

Quote of the Week

"If you get to be 51 and don't know either a wet vac or bail bonds work, you've made the right choices in your life."

--me, describing a co-worker at lunch

Dance Revolution

I really can't believe this, but it's true. The number one most watched television show last week was ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." It's ratings were even higher than for the NBA finals.

Now, I love a trainwreck as much as anyone. I'll confess to watching some of the Anna Nicole Smith show. That's because men love boobies and TIVO is a powerful drug.

But ballroom dancing with c-list stars? The only people only the show you know are Evander Holyfield and the catalog guy from Seinfeld.

J. Peterman, how could you sink so low?

Wake up, America. Rent the Sopranos or Arrested Development and watch a good show for crying out loud. Ride a bike, go for a walk, play golf, or go actually dance yourself.

For the love of God don't watch this shit.

Quote of the Week

I completely forgot to post the quote from last week. I'll chalk it up to being really busy (we had three Virtucon business sites go live last week) and being in two days of training on Creating Strategic Partnerships.

I learned to be assertive. Like that's the problem.

Anyway, here's the QOTW:

"You Assbag! I'm not doing it."
--me, demonstrating how to be aggressive in a meeting

Maybe Naked Zorro Commutes

I'll confess to a general lack of the knowledge about the geography of Philadelphia suburbs.

But if you're on the prowl to catch Naked Zorro, he's struck again.

Now he's struck in Montco, PA.

I like to think this is just an extremely innovative guerrilla publicity campaign to whip up interest in a new book. More likely it's a just a freak in a cape.

But Is He a Gay Blade?

If you live in the Philadelphia area, you may know there is a new masked avenger on the scene. Patrolling the streets....clad in a black mask.....bringing joy to the people of Doylestown, PA....fighting for "the peeples" against tyranny and injustice....clad only in a black mask. Oh, and some white running shoes.

That's right, Naked Zorro is on the prowl.

At least nine women have seen our naked crimefighter, but their accounts differ. Some described him as white his mid- to late 20s with blonde or brown curly with an "average" build. Other women who previously saw a naked man said he had a "thin" build. One woman said she spotted a naked man who wasn't wearing a mask. Which makes me wonder just how many naked men are running around the Doylestown?

Anyway, I totally know what I'm going to be for Halloween this year.

Quote of the Week

"Cults don't charge dues. They take all your money."

Me, explaining the difference between the International Association of Business Communicators and a cult

My favorite headline from the recent announcement out of DC was:

Bush Anxious to Learn More of Deep Throat

Hey, aren't we all? Didn't he have trouble with just a pretzel? And I though Deep Throat was exactly what got the last guy in trouble.

I don't get all the furor over this. It seems the mainstream media loves a store where the media type is made out to be a hero. Wonder why that is?

I just remember the Watergate hearings while I was a wee one and there being no tv on at all because the networks covered it non-stop. I remember whining about the lack of cartoons to my Mom and receiving no sympathy.

Anonymous Sources

An anonymous source claims in various media reports that Larry Brown, the head coach of the Pistons, is going to leave Detroit at the end of this season (which is still onging by the way), to become the President of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

So, if that's true, he'd become a Cleveland Brown.

Wow, that a long way to go for that one.

No word on whether the anonymous souce for the Larry Brown tip is Deep Throat.