Meaty Beaty Big And Bouncy

Reason #421 to Love Utah

Our festivals. For testicles.

Yes, in Woodruff, Utah it was the 8th Annual Testicle Festival. Specifically from bull bits. Rocky Mountain Oysters. Swinging beef.

My favorite part of the story:

"Some people have trouble with them," says Lori Cornia, a festival volunteer, adding that it is no different than eating other beef parts such as the tongue, heart or liver."

No offense, Lori, but those are the parts we call "disgusting." That's why we avoid them. Like the plague. And hackneyed cliches. Now I've never had testes in my mouth because I don't swing that way and I'm not that flexible. So I won't judge all the interns from out of state that the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources sent out to the festival. I'm sure it's not just some elaborate prank that we play on the rubes from Wisconsin and New York City.

But some 250 pounds of lamb fries were purchased from a Salt Lake meat packing plant for the festival. So we need to thank these nutty folks who consumed all those deep fried, succulent scroti. Because if they hadn't eaten them, you know those were going in to hot dogs.

Personally, if you're going to have a Testicle Festival, I think it ought to be held at Ball State University.

Freeze Frame

I saw the following picture in Sunday's paper and actually laughed out loud.

That's because I think someone is playing a pretty swell joke on us. I like to think there's a good twin of me slaving away for the man at Gannett Co and the way he sticks it to management is by inserting snarky comments into captions. Solidarity, my brother!

Anyway the caption on that picture was:

"A Tibetan supporter (right) argued with a Chinese supporter yesterday at the Ferry Plaza in San Francisco."

That doesn't look like an "argument" to me. That looks like a White guy is yelling at an Asian lady. At least I think that's a lady.


It look to this reporter that Whitey is screaming at someone who is calmly holding a sign. Nice do rag there by the way, Whitey. Why do I have the feeling that after exercising his right to free speech, Whitey is going to drive his Hummer home to the Misses in their co-op condo with the matching duvet and bedding sets in both bedrooms? I also hope he has a tattoo that he thinks is the Chinese character for Warrior but it really says Stupid White Boy or General Tsao's Chicken.


Does she really look like a "Chinese Supporter?" Or is she just some lady with a sign who wanted to see the Olympic torch because that's the closest she's ever going to get to it?


And while this may actually reinforce a stereotype that I am sure is in no way true, I really hope she doesn't understand English. Oh, and knows some Kung Fu so she can give him a roundhouse kick to the groin.

In response to Olympic Torch protests, the Chinese government has announced that for the remainder of the relay, Jackie Chan, Michelle Yeoh & Jet Li will be the runners.

Iodine In My Coffee

While the Wife is browsing through a furniture catalog in the passenger's seat, I'm patiently waiting for the drones at FourBucks to cough up the joe so we can get the hell out of the drive through lane. As he is prone to do, Guinness The Wonder Dog has his head out the rear window and is attempting to use his mind control powers to acquire sausage from passersby.

Unfortunately, this exchange takes place.

Drone: What a cute dog! What kind is he?

Me: Labradoodle.

Drone: He's beautiful. Do you show him?

Me: Are you kidding? Have you seen the kind of people who show
dogs?

Drone: I show dogs.

For some reason the conversation ended with our barista right there.

But the Wife wasn't wholly engrossed in his furniture shopping, because she immediately piped up with, "I just hope she spits in the right coffee."

To which I riposted, "Don't worry about getting spit in your coffee. She's getting that guy up front to teabag both of them."

"That's going to hurt."

"He'll teabag an iced coffee after."