Branching Out

In addition to my new, swell online store, I'm going to branch out and offer some additional services to certain clients.

First, we'll slap some keen business collaboration software up on the store site as well. Luckily it's free for the first 30 days and will integrate with the backend system I don't have yet. Well, actually we have a sneakernet. It's like ethernet, but we just run around in our sneakers to fill all the orders.

Second, this software will allow us to work directly with our celebrity clients and offer special services tailored directly to their individual needs.

These needs seem to be chiefly:

• sober drivers (Yes, even if it's late at night, you're coked up and chasing your soon to be former publicist)
• child care services (including proper use of child seat restraints)
• adoption services (any country or ethnicity)
• media distractions
• providing clean urine and/or blood samples
• claiming the drugs were ours and not our celebrity client's
• keeping a straight face during implausible explanations of outrageous behavior (like tripping over your dog)
• unconditional verbal support including but not limited to "Great job, boss!" and "You're much more talented than she is"

There may be more needs but we draw the line at drug and ho procurement services. Others already have that market saturated.

Kick Ass Barbeque

Now for the purposes any law enforcement authorities who may be reading this, I don't advocate lawlessness. I certainly understand it, but would never advocate or participate in such activities.

As far as you know.

But some scofflaws in Adelaide, Australia made off with $7000 of meat.

And because the local constabulary found broken tail lights on the ground, they postulate that the criminals backed a car into the doors to force them open. That butcher should have been using an SD card for security. Or a vegetarian dog.

Why do I think this was a crime of opportunity? I see some drunk guys driving around and deciding they want something to eat. No burger joints are open so they decide to grab some meat and fire it up on the barbie. The grill not the doll.

And now you know the cops are going to be on the lookout for some hot meat. Or a really overstocked Schwan's truck.

These guys can't be too stupid. At least they got away with the goods. For now. Until some jealous neighbor squeals like a pig on them for not sharing all that rich bacony goodness. You know someone will want to be cut in on the caper and muscle in on the action.

My Store

In an effort to get out from under The Man, I've decided to open my own swell interweb store.

I figure all I need is some shopping cart software and some high end, ethereal, spurious merchandise to let the masses consume. Obviously this will be very exclusive merch that not just anyone can afford.

Here's a look at my initial inventory:

• Lindsay Lohan Defensive Driving Course
• Joe Pesci's Guide to Anger Management
• Paris Hilton's Favorite Bible Stories DVD (shot in night vision green)
• Tammy Faye Bakker Makeover (too soon? I don't have much tolerance for televangelists who use Jesus to steal. I'm sure I'll see her in Hell when I get there)
• Maddona's Elocution and Foreign Diction Lessons
• Michael Vick's Puppy Training Class
• Tim Donaghy's Wealth Management System (he's the NBA ref allegedly tied to organized crime and point shaving. Again, that's allegedly for my Italian American cousins.
• Donald Trump's Self-Esteem Improvement Course
• Tom Cruise Public Relations Seminar
• Don King "Volume Builder" Shampoo
• Phil Spector Conditioner
• Tom Sizemore Career Management Strategy
• International Space Station Oxygen

Now I just need a good name for the store. I was going to go with Amazon because that's my favorite river, but apparently someone already has that. Who knew?

Feel free to suggest store names or any additional items I should stock.

Dear John Letter

Dear John:

This is hard for me. I'm trying to be objective, but where you're concerned, I'll always have trouble.

I always stop when One Crazy Summer (including last night and I like to think you got to hit that pre-implant Demi Moore) or Better Off Dead is on cable. I want my two dollars is a common saying. I know way too much about the black Camaro Monique helped you fix up. I bought Tapeheads because that was the only way to see it. I saw Anastasia just because you were a voice.

That kind of foolish devotion, should give me the right to ask one question:

What the hell happened to you?

Where's the cute, quirky, off-beat funny kid I had my first man crush on from The Sure Thing?

Two horror movies in a row? Did you have some kind of falling out with your agent? I don't care if you are in 1408 with the coolest motherfucker on the planet, you can't follow up Identity with another horror flick. Even if Stephen King did write the short story it's based on.

C'mon, Lloyd Dobler. Where's the underdog, unconventional hero we all fell in love with? Even when you were stealing scenes from Rob Lowe and Anthony Michael Hall, it was obvious you were destined for greatness.

You get a free pass for Serendipity because you just wanted to work with Mr. Piven. But Must Love Dogs? Even if you do get Diane Lane in the end, it couldn't have been worth it. If you have to go Leading Man for the cash, don't do it formulaic. Remember Gross Pointe Blank? You can do Leading Man and action. You stole Con Air. Playing a cop no less.

And don't get me started on America's Sweethearts. But if I could get paid to be Catherine Zeta-Jones's former lover, I might have to do it even if the script sucked. And I like to think that you hit that during High Fidelity.

I'm sorry no one saw Max. But, c'mon, Private Gibson, how popular did you think a movie about Hitler was going to be? One that wasn't a musical anyway.

I cut you slack even though you seemingly get rained on in every movie. Say Anything was set in Seattle so that's understandable. Isn't it getting a little cliche not to mention miserable to film? You break up and then get rained on while you stand in the street and pine for the girl. We get it. You're feeling low. Lose the rain machine next time.

Did you peak too soon? Grifters and Being John Malkovich are hard to top. Maybe you're just going commercial to raise some cash for a pet project you've got going ala Medellin? Maybe that's it, call Piv for a quick role in Entourage.

Please, John, come back to us. Do something deep and funny and great again. A little angst, a little self doubt, some nuanced acting and a few wisecracks and you'll be back on top. You've still got it in you.

I hope.

Word Work

I never knew you could get paid for blogging through a service called Smorty.

This is just gravy as far as I'm concerned. I've seen plenty of sites with advertising on them. And I've always questioned how effective it was. Other than making some money for Google and some pennies for the blogger of course. I've never been personally familiar with a company that advertised just on blogs.

But Smorty just lets you write a simple post and gives you some coin. Pretty easy actually. So if it seems like I'm writing about weird stuff, I am. But then you're probably used to just reading about Guinness the Wonder Dog (not to be confused with the upcoming Underdog), boobies, crazy people in Ohio, boobies and other goofy stuff.

So think of this as a change of pace. A change up from the usual goofy stuff I throw at you.

Don't worry, I won't completely sell out. But then I've practiced law and done public relations, so really, there's not much I wouldn't do for some cash money. But I'll never pull the Alex Trebeck life insurance thing.

Worth a Thousand Words

Does anyone own one of those digital picture frames? I don't know anyone who owns one but that may be because I know a lot of geeks. They've just got pix on their computers or their wall paper or their screen saver.

One of the tricks one of my buddies used to do was whenever someone was presenting in a business meeting and started to jabber so long that their screen saver came on and it was a picture of their kids, he'd pipe up and say something along the lines of "Who's that ugly kid?" For some reason, the presenter parent never really seemed to think that was very funny. Wonder why?

But I digress. As usual.

I think the reason I don't have a digital frame is that I don't really like pictures that much. Oh, sure they're swell when they're on your My Space page and you're holding up pumpkins to your breasts, but once you make the Miss America pageant, they get leaked and then you've got a real PR problem on your hands. Or chest as it were. Yes, Miss New Jersey. I'm talking to you.


Plus, Wife and I seem to have no good pictures of ourselves. When we go someplace on vacation, we're usually looking to get away from people. So that when we finally find something goofy to take a picture of, it's only one of us in it. Or it's just a picture of a sign that doesn't make sense or is mis-spelled or warns of impending lava flows.

Digital cameras are great. Because everyone is too lazy to actually print out the photos so you're never stuck looking at someone else's vacation photos. I'm old enough to remember when my Pop used to bust out the slide projector and we'd get stuck looking at all those old vacation photos. Ugh. Man, my sibs looked miserable in all those photos. Thank goodness the parents got that driving wanderlust out of their system before I was around. Pop tells such romantic sounding stories about how they stayed at rustic camprounds all the way from Ohio to California. And those photos of the flash flood in Nevada and having to stop the car on the highway at a highspot and watching the water start to cover the road below them really sounds like a great time.

I also can't imagine giving a digital photo frame to someone with pictures of yourself in it. That's a pretty healthy self-image if you go that route. I know you're enamored of me, but when I'm not around, you can look at all these various poses of me. Try to restrain yourself. If you do something like that, you probably also refer to yourself in the third person.

The concept of a digital frame is a great one. Anyone pulled it off successfully? Giving it or getting it?

Working at the Car Wash

I have a confession. I hate washing my car. First, I own no Automotive detailing supplies. No chamois, no bucket, no hose with one of those swell sprayers on the end, no magic wax buffing gloves. Nothing.

Second, because I've got a cloth top convertible, I can't go to one of those drive through car washes. Which means I have to miss out on all the people who forget to roll up their windows or close their sun roof. And I love stuff like that.

So when I finally break down for a wash, I've got to go to one of those crummy coin operated joints where they specifically set the timer so it's impossible to finish your wash unless you're on uppers.

Third, the folks who invented the timed car wash are geniuses. They know it takes you 8 minutes to wash your car. And they know that they're only going to give you 5 minutes for $1.25. And they know once they screw you and you're not done, you've got to pop for the extra cycle.

So you're standing there with the magic wand in your hand and two minutes left and you're going to opt for the Hot Wax. No one knows what this does. There's really just two settings in the machine: Soap and No Soap. Anything else you put on doesn't do a thing. The last one I went to must have had about jillion settings: Pre-wash, Wash, Scrub, Brush Scrub, Soak, Rinse, Hot Wax, Re-Soak, Undercoating, Remove Paint and Remove Toes in Flip Flops.

The one good thing about car washes is that it gets you out of charitable donations. Because anyone who comes to my door gets told, "I only give to sick kids and cheerleader car washes."

Go team.

Anyone really like washing their car? Except for that part when you get to spray someone else and get them all wet of course.

Defenestration Excitation

In Hanover, Germany, a man isn't being charged with any crime after throwing his computer out of the window and onto the street below.

In not charging the man, the police said, "Who hasn't felt like doing that?"

I'll bet they wouldn't have taken that kind of cavalier attitude if he'd tossed Bill Gates out after getting the Blue Screen of Death again. "I was running Windows" is a perfectly appropriate defense though.

He probably just needs some more Dell Memory. When I was having trouble with my 'puter, I just slapped another 256K in the bad boy and things were fine.

That's presuming I don't try to post a picture in Blogger of course. Then all bets are off.

I know Letterman likes to throw stuff off the roof. I don't remember him doing a computer though.

The last thing I threw out of a window was a paper airplane. From the third floor of an office building, it really sailed. Yes, I have thrown water balloons out of a hotel window when I was a kid on a trip to Washington, D.C. And I've dropped a box of wine off a balcony as an experiment.

What's the last thing you threw out of a window?

Love Grocery Style

I have written before of Wife's and my adventures in true grocery love. And it's happened again. I don't understand what the strange phemomena is that leads to hijinx at the Piggly Wiggly (or SBJ forbid, the Hinky Dinky), but something always seems to happen there.

Wife and I had loaded all of our Golf Equipment in the Wondermobile, but needed to make a quick stop at the Try 'N Save for some liquid refreshments before the round was to commence.

As we were in the store and headed back to the wonderful aisle containing all the beveragi (that's plural for beverage), we see a lady carrying two Bay City Honey Rocks. Yes, the same Bay City the Rollers named themselves after that fateful dart toss. And she's carrying these cantelope at just the right spot.

Unable to resist such an obvious ploy for a great old joke, I immediately inhale and get ready to drop my little entendre doublay. Before I can spit it out, Wife looks directly at me and says through gritted teeth, "Don't!" Completely busted.

Yeah, she gets me.

Summer Blockbuster

While I hear there is some movie about a young wizard coming out today, I'd rather go see this flick.

You don't need to be some kind of genius at running payroll software to know that this picture is going to set all sorts of movie records. That's got to be a lot better than robot cars or car robots or whatever the hell it is that Michael Bay is trying to shove down our throats.

I don't want to say Michael Bay is a crummy director (because my Momma told me if you can't say anything nice you should just go ahead and blog about it), but let me give you two words of advice -- Pearl Harbor.

I think the little wizard movie is called Scary Potty and the Cash Cow. I haven't heard anything about it. It's probably a little indie flick done on the cheap by a first time director. Hope they manage to make their money back....I just love rooting for the little guy. Especially if he got Shrek preggers.

Getting the Hell Out Redux

Thanks for all the swell suggestions about where Wife and I should buy real estate. Just to recap the advice, it was:

• San Fran
• Vermont
• Savannah
• Oregon
• Texas

I'm not sure about San Fran. All those Californians and you need to take out a cash advance just to pay for your parking. I really think the entire economy of San Francisco is based upon coffee shops and parking. Wife has to travel there on business a fair amount. And if we could somehow exist in a cardboard box, it would be perfect.

Vermont? What's in Vermont other than Bob Newhart's fictional inn? Do they make Maple Syrup there? Seriously, I don't know anything about Vermont other than it's supposed to be nice in the Fall. Just like Michigan. Not enough to warrant staying there.

Savannah is still on the list. I did read Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil though I never saw the movie despite John Cusack's inclusion in the cast. This one is still in the running.

Oregon is a mystery. I don't know anything about it other than the University mascot is the duck. And that Californians are moving up there at a rapid pace and that the Oregonians aren't too crazy about it. Is it as rainy as Washington state? A good possibility?

Texas is out. Wife and I both had the opportunity to work with lots of Texans. I believe that Texans are where all the rumors about ugly Americans come from. I know some great Texans. But I know a lot more worse ones.

Yeah, we're still clueless about where we should go. That RV Lifestyle is sounding better and better.

And I'm a little surprised no one suggest that I go to Hell, Michigan to retire. Because that's probably where I'm going to wind up anyway. Interestingly enough, Hell isn't that far away from Climax.

Beisbol Been Berry, Berry Good To Me

It's the Home Run Derby tonight on telebision. And while I admit it's one of the few beisbol (disc 4, track 25) events Wife and I sit around on our home furniture and watch together, it's a tradition in our Shaque D'Amour.

I don't remember how it got started. It may have been when McGwire and Sosa were hitting them out of the park. Please add your own asterisk here.

After I make chili dogs, we curl up and watch the boys go yard. Normally when baseball is on in the house, I'm watching it by myself. Or Wife is reading a People while I'm watching the Tabbies go at it.

Wife may hearken back to the first time she ever came and watched me play ball. I hit a grand salami to win the game. My only one in organized play and she still remembers it. I must have been pumped up to have a real live Baseball Annie come to watch me play.

If we really want to feel like we're at the park, I'll take my shirt off, spill beer on her, spew profanities and throw peanut shells on the carpet. Ahhh, the great American past time. How come so many guys are named Gonzalez?

Enjoy the game, kids.

Getting the Hell Out

Wife and I are finally at the age (early 40's) where we can think about where we want to retire. Really it's just the "What the hell are we going to do in about 20 years because we're ditching this shitty Michigan weather" stage, but you get the idea.

We've kicked around several spots, but all seem to have some flaw or two in them.

--North Carolina: Here's what I know about North Carolina and beaufort nc real estate. It's really windy in NC because that's where the Wright brothers had to go when Ohio wasn't windy enough. Their hockey team is named the Hurricanes which doesn't bode well for a retirement home which may mean losing all your stuff. They're good at basketball. But I'd miss the rough and tumble (maybe even dirty) play of the Big 10. Aren't the Outer Banks supposed to be really nice?

--Hawaii: I can't believe we'll ever be able to afford real estate their that doesn't involve a winning lottery ticket or some kind of criminal activity. Plus wouldn't every stray acquaintance you ever knew show up and want to stay with you?

--Savannah, GA: Never been but heard it's nice. I've also heard that it can be "stuffy" to new arrivals. I've also heard that all the humidity in the US is actually made in Savannah and shipped out to other parts of the country.

--Jamaica: Awesome to visit. Not sure I could really live there if it wasn't at an all inclusive resort where all my food and liquor was included. Medical care seemed a bit sketchy. Hurricanes are a given. No idea what real estate costs there. Seemed like plenty of beach was still available.

--Arizona: I've lived here before and now that my Sister moved to Tucson, I don't think the state's big enough. Arizona tricks all the Midwesterners by having them come out in March when it sucks back there and it's paradise in 'Zona. If you ask about how hot it gets, they'll tell you it's a dry heat. But put your oven on low and put your head in it. That's a dry heat too. They call it September though. Another minus, how do you like driving in oven mitts?

So that leaves us with nothing. Maybe one of those RV's and we can roam the country like in Lost in America?

Anyone else got any ideas?

Festivus for the Rest of Us

It's Festival Time in the Midwest. Time to pack your Samsonite luggage and head for the Pigeon Forge vacation rentals and hit all the hot spots in between.

I think it's because the winter can seem so harsh here in the Midwest, that when Summer finally comes, we seize upon any reason as an excuse to be outside, drink beer and eat fried food.

In Traverse City, they have the Cherry Festival over July 4th even though the local cherries aren't blooming yet. Let's not let Mother Nature get in the way of taking advantage of the long holiday and the auto plant shutdowns. If you didn't know, the auto companies take two weeks for plant shut down at the start of July. The Cherry Festival is a big deal.

But it's the smaller, goofier festivals that appeal the most. The Cornfest in Auburn, Michigan and starts on July 12th. Of course the corn's not in yet, but it's the thought that counts. Yes, that's Corny the official mascot over there. Make your travel plans now.

There's the Munger Potato Festival. And while I've never been (despite my love of all things potato), doesn't "mungering" sound like something you could get arrested for? The big news out of Munger is that last year's Potato Queen was forced to give up her crown. Not for naked pictures or any racy conduct, just because she couldn't make enough events because she was in school. Man, I remember when Potato Queen wasn't such a political post. Can't we put bipartisan bickering aside for the sanctity and majesty of the Potato Crown? Luckily, they'll be picking a new Potato Queen from all the Potato Princesses (see how I avoided making a "tot" joke there?) at the end of July.

Finally, in Rittman it's the Sleepwalker Festival also at the end of July. This is a bit of an odd one in that it takes place on Thursday and Friday and doesn't even warrant weekend outdoor drinking. Luckily, there's plenty of fried food including fries, sweet potato fries (take that Munger), fried bananas, Blooming Onions, fried veggies, fried cheese, fried bologna, donuts, and pizza on a stick. Not sure how pizza on a stick works. Maybe it's friend so it stays on the stick. The best thing, you can also get free cholesterol and blood pressure checks from WRH Health System on Friday, July 27th. I can't make stuff up that's this good.

Oh, and there's a 3 on 3 basketball tournament because you'll want plenty of high humidity exercise after all that fried food.

What's the goofiest festival you have in your nape of the woods?

Going Home

I don't get it. Why do people who used to live someplace want to go back and look around even though they don't know anyone there now and haven't been back in 20 years?

Is this a Universal Truth?

I got stuck driving my Pop around the bump in the road where I grew up last Summer. We even had to drive by all three houses the family had lived in (including the real shitholes before I was born). You could tell these places didn't exactly have chandeliers or under cabinet lighting.
And yes, that skulker in the red ball cap with his pants in his jeans is the Old Man aka Pop. Tell me you wouldn't call the authorities if you saw that guy on your driveway. At the very least get out the No Soliciting sign because you know he's always got to be closing.

Of course we had to take lots of pictures of houses now owned by strangers. I can't believe no one calls the cops when people with out of state plates stop in the middle of a street and start taking pictures of random houses. Luckily, no one seemed to be home at any of these unsuspecting domiciles or we'd have probably been stuck in a half hour conversation about what the house used to be like before you bought it and let it go to pot. "I remember when this was all farmland...." Never get a Peepaw started about what the place used to be like unless you've got a comfortable chair close by.

I also had a buddy of mine make me drive by his old apartment so that we could see if the green door he had put up was still there. Yeah, I didn't get it either.

And today Wife is stuck driving her parents down to where they used to live in Detroit some 20 years ago. She's lucky though, her parents won't want to get out of the car and go all stalky on the new residents.

Sorry about the funky formatting kids, Blogger is being cranky today with the swell photo insert.

What about you? Do you go back to where you used to live and see how the new residents are treating the joint? Do you silently judge their yardwork and handyman proficiency? Or are you like me, once you're gone it's "Later, losers" and you could care less about the old joint?

It's Spreading

I'm not sure why it started, but it's spreading. Another man recently wrote on his wife's body.

In Witchita, Kansas, a man wrote on his wife's but-tock (pronounce that just like Forrest would) with a marker. He wrote Kilroy Was Here. Not surprisingly, liquor was involved. No word on whether he drew the little face or just wrote the slogan. Also not surprising, when she woke up, she wasn't amused and proceeded to kick his ass.

They then started to scrap, the cops were called and he wound up tasered. A valuable lesson there kids. Don't write on your sleeping mate. It may seem funny at the time, but it won't be when they wake up.

I don't get what's changed in the world that's this is happening all of a sudden.

That being said, I still think if I was going to write something on a sleeping body, it'd be either the quintessential No Pepper or I need cubs tickets.

You know, go with a baseball classic as we're coming up on the All Star Game next week.

Just a Couple of Hoo Haws

As proof that Wife & I are both crazy, I submit the following True Tale of Love.

Usually on Sunday mornings, Wife and I go out to breakfast to ensure we get our RDBA (Recommended Daily Bacon Allowance). Two weeks ago, our breakie break was after we had been to see Frank Caliendo in concert.

As a brief aside, if you don't know who Frank is, make sure you check him live and not just on the interwebs. He's an amazing impressionist who also happens to be hilarious. You've probably seen him on Fox NFL Sunday or David Letterman or You Tube. Frank does an amazing Al Pacino.

So feeling saucy and bacon-enriched, Wife and I hit the grocery store (where I would walk slowly by the bacon aisle) for a couple of essentials. As I'm parking, I notice a Meemaw with her minivan door open and she is nattering to her Peepaw.

So I park a few spots away and as she continues to talk loudly, I walk by and let out a Pacino-esque "Hoo Haw!" at the top of my lungs. Wife immediately begins to laugh and Meemaw says, "Yes, it is hot out."

Flash forward to a week later. It's after a bacon gorging and we're at the same grocery store before we head back to our luxury home. I'm heading inside and luckily no Meemaw is in sight. As I turn around to look back at the Wife, she beats me to the bunch by shouting out "Hoo Haw! and completely cracks me up."

Yeah, she gets me.

It Runs In the Family

We used to joke in my family that if Pop ever got on our nerves, we could just drop him off at any hardware store and come back later in the day. My Pop could wander around in a hardware store all day easily.

And I've got it too.

But not for hardware, it's odder than that. It's office supplies. I could wander around a Staples or a Office Depot for a few hours easily. I'm not some paper freak so I duck that isle. But I can wander around in the Pens forever.

It's worse with Sharpies. I probably own at least 50 Sharpies in various colors, widths and styles. I even have some teeny, tiny ones that are about half the size of a regular pen and are designed to be carried about on your key chain. Luckily, I don't have it that bad. I always take a black, medium Sharpie with me when I travel. Because if that plane goes down, I want the body identified correctly and a Sharpie would be perfect for that.

I think I'd opt for something snotty on the inflight magazine as well. Something like, "I told you I had a bad feeling about this flight."

Anyone else have stores where they can kill an hour or two and time just seems to fly by?

True Love

If you're visitng Bluffton, SC, make sure you take a Sharpie.

Seems a man waited until his wife was asleep, then wrote profanities on her arms, legs and back. She must be a deep sleeper. And while the article doesn't say it, why do I have the sneaking suspicion she was in such a deep sleep because alcohol was involved.

Anyhoo, Sleeping Beauty awakes to find herself graffiti-ed up and proceeds to beat up her husband and bite him a few times. It's the biting that landed her in jail. She said that she had bitten her husband twice and threatened him with a wooden board. I think we've all probably got a pretty good idea where she was going to put that board.

And while this short little story of these two crazy kids is absolutely delicious, it lacks most of the facts which could truly turn it into something fabulous. So it's up to use interwebers to speculate and make stuff up.

First, was it a permanent marker? The police report just said it was an "ink pen." Real helpful, Barney. It's lucky for her he didn't go all Ross & Rachel on her face as well.

Second, what did he write on her various body parts? I'm guessing the body art on her back was "Open All Night" with an arrow pointing downwards. With that in mind, here's what was on the rest of her.

• Spread the Word (on her legs of course)
• The 2nd Amendment Rules (on her bare arms)
• Space for Rent (back)
• If you lived here, you'd be home by now
• House was Here
• This Anatomy Ain't Grey
• Do Not Tease the Animals
• Free to Good Home
• Left Right (on the wrong arms)
• This End Up (on back as well)
• Get Back to Where You Once Belonged (on back)
• Don't Pull on My Ears, I Know What I'm Doing
• No Entry
• One Way Only
• No Pepper

I'm sure there are others. Feel free to play along at home, kids.

But I'm also sure this man is never going to sleep soundly the rest of his life. Paybacks are hell, buster.

A Dog & His Boy

I've discovered an amazing new trick that my dog (Guiness the Wonder Dog for those of you who have short memories) somehow learned on his own.

He has the amazing ability to make his poo stick to his butt. This is a wonderful trick.

Because he's then taught me that if I don't want to have poo in my house, I get to cut the hair around his asshole.

Yes, there are special safety asshole scissors that I get to use to carefully trim the dingleberries. This task is made more difficult when Guinness would rather play than sit patiently for his butt trim and when Wife and I are giggling uncontrollably.

I do recall that at one point, Guinness turned around and gave me a look that said, "When I get my thumbs, you sonsabitches won't be laughing anymore."

I don't ever remember Timmy having to trim Lassie's hinder. Maybe Shaggy and Scooby Doo did this, but again, I must have missed those scenes.

I'm guessing in the future, George Jetson had some kind of labor-saving device to handle this for Astro.

Challenge Accepted

Because we've only had Paris' incarceration, freedom, re-incarceration and parental line jumping to distract us, morale is low. During this time of national torment, where is the media distraction we so desperately need. Paris is only acting dumb according to her collect call with Barbara Walters. And Paris has found the Lord. Better get right with Him yourself, dear reader.

Luckily, someone has stepped up to the plate and accepted the challenge. And while the national news hasn't picked up on it yet, it's only a matter of time.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this woman, Sara White, may be the next runaway bride we need to get us out of our funk. Yes, Ms. White is engaged to be married. But she was going to go out on a date with a man she met on a phone chat line.

When she got cold feet about cheating on her fiancee, she faked her own kidnapping to cancel the date. Too bad her date called the cops. His bad.

"Basically, it was the only thing I could think of," Sara White said. Yeah, because that whole "I can't go out with you because I'm engaged to someone already" line never works.

Sara is still scheduled to get married next April. C'mon, Sara. The bus station can't be too far away from where you live and a ticket to Albuquerque is beckoning.

I'm not sure we're going to make it until next April though. Any chance you could make that a June wedding? We've still got 2 weeks left....

3 Days in the Hole

Well our national crisis has been averted. With Paris' freedom from jail due to an "unspecified medical condition," we once again have the media distraction we need to keep us rolling.

Luckily, Paris was able to smuggle a note out to me written on toilet paper. I'm sharing it with you until we can finally get some news through official channels from the Hilton compound.

t2ed:

Hey, dude. Like, I'm free and all so you need to come buy and see me. There's lots of popsarazzis in front of the house so yu'll need to sneek in somehows.

You know how I toled you I was all worried about being in the jail and stuff. We'll I worryed so much that I gave my self a rash and they thot that it was scabies or something. So now I have to stay at home and wear this dumb bracelete but that doesn't meen I can't party!

Jail wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The wurst part is that everyone was wearing the same outfit as me. You know I'm not a summer so I wish I could have got a blue jumpsuit instead.

Before yu ask, yes, I did have to get the full cavity search before I got in the slammer. And you know I usually only do that after a fancey dinner and when there's a video camera around. Plus it was over too soone.

I had my own room, but it was like so small. 8' by 10' with just a toilet and a sink. At a Hilton, we call that a joonier sweet. HA! I herd Dave tell that on my TEEVO when I got back here. And I only got to go outside like 1 hour a day. Luckily, I was skinnee enough to fit between the bars of my cell and go for a walk whenever I wanted.

The other pirsoners were so meen. They kept calling me Marty even thogh I kept telling them it was Paris. I did meet a nice lady named Grace who said she wanted to clean my carpet for me but I toled her I had hardwood floors at my house.

I'm outta room on this skware so I gotta go. I'm pretty bummed I never even got to try the wine I was making in my pirson toylet. Cum see me soon.

XO Paris

Step Up, Bitches

Can you hear that sound? It's news editors all over the country crying.

Paris is in the pokey and Ho-Han is habilitatin' for another 30 days or so. And the media doesn't have anything to talk about. Oh sure, there's the war and why we're still in it even though we were told we'd be out by the last bunch of liars we voted for. But nobody wants that depressing stuff in the news.

So I'm calling out our newsmaking folks to step up and become the next media distraction/fixation with one of the following:

• Runaway Bride
• Teenage Kidnapping
• Republican Scandal
• Celebrity Beaver Shot
• Poor Hollywood Parenting
• High-profile Divorce
• Hollywood Sex Tape
• Campaign Leak
• Surprise Summer Movie Hit
• Sensational Hollywood Murder
• Reality TV Cheating Allegation
• Celebrity DUI with Crazed Mugshot

Place your bet folks on what it'll be next.

Florida Dreaming

I'm dreaming up funny things right now. No, not brainstorming, I'm actually thinking up little comedy bits while I'm asleep. I actually woke myself up this morning laughing. This is probably because I've been working so hard and have public relations on the brain right now.

Now, to those of you who've been around here for a while, this probably comes as no shock. You're thinking, "No kidding. We know you kill yourself. If only we got some of that humor every now and then." So here it is. What I was dreaming of and woke up with giggles at.

Universal Orlando announced that it's going to start building a Harry Potter theme park. (Because Orlando needs some tourism, it's practically a ghost town most weekends.)

Universal has also announced a partnership with the Department of Motor Vehicles. Because it was the only way they could figure out how to make the lines move slower. Maybe not even at all on some days.

Yeah, in the cold, hard type of Blogger it doesn't seem nearly as hilarious. A joke about the DMV and slow lines? That's never been done before. Maybe you needed to see the Hogwart's crest on a surly DMV lady to appreciate the nuance of the joke. Or maybe I'm just slowly going nuts?

If dreaming of PR jokes is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Another Blockbuster or She's Back

I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I was doing my big recap of the Summer Blockbusters, I missed one.

Ya'll remember the toughest superheroine of all? Of course I'm just talking 'bout Thong Girl. Lana Layonme has a very special, magical thong that allows her to fly, have superhuman strength and can fire laser beams from her ass.

That's right, Thong Girl 3: Revenge Of The Dark Widow is debuting in Nashville, TN at the the Watkins College Of Art and Design on June 9th and 10th. Two shows Saturday at 7 and 9 and a Sunday matinee at 3 for the kids. Admission for all showings is $5. The film is family friendly and contains no nudity or profane language or excessive violence.

Now I don't want to tell a big Nashville movie producer how to run his business, but Thong Girl 3 practically screams for another version with at least a little nudity. Maybe the DVD could have that version?

Even without the nudity, I'm betting this one breaks Spiderman's weekend opening record and kicks Shrek and that swishy pirate movie right in the ass. Or she could just shoot them with her laser beams.

Happy Star Wars Day

I almost completely forgot about it!

Because they've solved every other problem (traffic, homelessness, smog, crime), LA has declared today, May 25th as Official Star Wars Day.

It's part of something called Celebration IV a geekfest happening where people gather to celebrate all things Star Wars. They'll be a lot of empty parents' basements today!

They're also going to have the largest ever Slave Leia photo shoot. Yes, that's when Carrie Fisher wore that swell gold metal bikini in the movie with all the Care Bears. So lots of girls will be dressed up in gold metal bikinis. And because it's a Star Wars thing, that must mean almost 10 girls will be there.

Wow! Makes you want to get your nerd on don't it? No hate mail. I kid because I care. I own all the movies too and that Attack of the Clones makes a swell coaster. No one writes dialogue like George.

I think I'm going to celebrate Star Wars Day by doing my best George Lucas impersonation. Yup, I'm just going to count all the money in my pocket over and over again. Of course, Georgie Boy probably does better than the $27 I'm packing pre-holiday weekend. That'll teach me to spend all that money on meat and liquor.

Have a great Memorial Day Weekend, kids. It's because of those veterans' sacrifices that we're able to sit on our ass and get plenty of liquids and make fun of Star Wars geeks.

The Birds Had Best Be Afraid

Because I know ya'll like reading about kitties and doggies more than anything else (especially sex), we've got this lil gem today.

Yup, that's a cat with wings. Granny Feng claims her cat grew the wings after many female cats in heat began to harass him. So, yes, kitty lovers, he's probably gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And I thought the flying monkeys used to creep me out.

Interestingly enough, they don't give the kitty's name in the story. So I had to make a few up:

• Hellspawn
• Pussy Galore
• Cowardly Flion
• Robin Ranger
• Crow Catcher
• Red Sparrowen
• Catnip Co-pilot
• Nest Nabber
• Flying Fluffy
• Waldo Pooper
• Catmando Whateverhewants
• Tuna Torpedo
• Flyin' Fe-Lion
• Pilot Pussy
• Mr. Wing 'n Whiskers
• Nip Navigator
• Leonine Lindbergh
• Kamikaze Kitty
• Tora Tora Tabby

Save your hate mail. I know he's a Chinese cat and not a Japanese cat but those last two were too good to pass up.

I wonder if he still always lands on his feet? Maybe this cat ought to run away to and live with the Unihorn.

Not In the Hero Code or Et tu, Captain?

In all the whirlwind of superhero publicity and Spiderman 3 making all the money in the entire world on it's opening weekend, I forgot to write about this.


In Melbourne, Florida, Raymond Adamcik was dressed as Captain America but wound up getting charged with battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence.


Seems ol' Cap was part of a travelling costume party that was making the rounds of several establishments. As part of the fun, Cap kept asking women if they'd like to touch a burrito he had stuffed into his tights/pants. I'm sure the old "Would you like to touch my burrito?" gag never gets old around the crime fighting lab.


Now despite the stupidity of this trick, does it strike anyone else as odd that Captain America has Mexican food stuffed in his pants. Shouldn't he have a footlong hot dog instead? Maybe a Ballpark Frank? Because they plump when you cook them.


Anyway, while at the On Tap Cafe, Cap goes into his burrito shtick and some woman chooses not to play along (probably because she's smart). Cap allegedly whipped out his burrito (I don't think that's a euphemism; it's really just the burrito) and began to grope the woman. Jailarity ensued.


Quote of the story: According to the police report, "there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at one time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for possible identification."


After being taken into custody (and those abs are just part of the suit, ladies), Cap then allegedly tried to flush a joint down the toilet. Guess a burrito wasn't all he had stuffed down his pants.


Like every great victim of injustice, the good doctor/crimefighter has subsequently checked himself into rehab. No word on whether it's the Britney Spears 2 Step Program.


Step 1 - Begin rehab while Publicist issues press release.


Step 2 - Leave the next day.

Tuesdays With Elvis

If you don't know who the Rock Bottom Remainders are, be prepared to be amazed.




I don't know why I find authors pretending to be musicians so funny, but enjoy the talent (such as it is).

Me So Horny

While I know about them from the Unicorn Song, I've never actually seen one.

Until now that is.

She says the worst thing is that people keep trying to hang their coats on her. Poor Unicorn Meemaw. She's 95 years old while the horn is only 3.

Seriously, how long would you let that grow out of your head before you went to see a doctor?

Well I know one thing. She doesn't sleep on her stomach.

If I had a horn, I think I'd attach a little bell to it. Because everyone would be exepcting it to honk and it would ring instead just to zag on them. Maybe even some festive ribbon or bunting that could blow in the wind. Then I could make a lame joke about blowing my own horn.

If this happens to her pet, it's a Horn Dog.

If she opens a carnival food booth? Horn Corn Dog.

Went into adult movies? Horn Porn.

Shaved her head like Brittney? Shorn Horn.

Gave it away at Halloween? Candy Corn Horn.

Put roses on it? Adorned Thorn Horn.

Watched Matt Damon in an action movie? Bourne Horn.

Cursed her bad luck? Sworn Horn.

Dumped by her boyfriend? Forlorn Horn.

Found SBJ (Sweet Baby Jebus for you sinners out there)? Reborn Horn.

Yelled about danger? Warn Horn.

Went to a funeral? Mourn Horn.

Okay, I'll shut up now. Have a good weekend, Horn Dogs.

Passing It Up or Snarkfest 2007

Being a master of tongue fu, it's often that I'll drop a little verbal barb to people. As I'm not the biggest bull goose loony on the block any more, I try to keep my pie hole shut. Sometimes.

In that vein, here's a list of what I didn't say this week. Remember kids, I didn't actually say any of these things, I just thought them.

Do you have George Strait's new album? No, we don't carry shitty music.

I didn't read that because of my colonoscopy yesterday. Did they find your head?

Dear Lord, please hear our prayers... And grant me the limitless power to smite all those who oppose my every whim.

She just graduated from massage therapy school. And is looking forward to giving handjobs for a living now.

He's a real visionary. We don't know what he's supposed to be doing around here either.

I had another good idea. That will fuck up your project.

It's Law Enforcement Appreciation Night at the ballpark. These people will be pulling you over tonight after you have all those $8.50 beers.

Spiderman 2 was way better than Spiderman 3! Because I got to see man boobs that I still fantasize about when jacking it in my Spiderman pj's.

What superpower would you want? Either choking you with my mind like Darth Vader or just teleporting the hell away from here.

Is anyone sitting here? Just me and the Lord.

Our special today... Is some nasty stuff we couldn't give away yesterday.

Instead of emailing it, we're going to have it bound and Fedexed over. Because bad ideas are so much more palatable when attractively presented.

Where are we with that? No, I haven't finished your work yet.

He's acts out because of those violent videogames. Not because I'm a lousy parent.

I just can't decide what I want. Could you equivocate on the important Ice Cream Referendum somewhere other than the exact center of the aisle?

There are probably some others, but those voices in my head stutter and sometimes it's hard to remember what they said when they all talk at once.

Does anyone else have these kind of snarky voices in their head?

Spelling Counts

A would be bank robber was caught in Waco, Texas after he handed a note fraught with grammar errors, sentence fragments and other mistakes to a teller.

His note?

Do as this note tells you to do. Don’t make me hurt no one. Cause if you do you will be this frist one I hurt. Just give me the money. Don’t give me no dye pack in it or any tracer in the money. Don’t be a fool and start any probelms. Don’t pull no alarms till I am out of here. Thank you have a nice day Merry Xmas 100's, 50s, 20s, 10s & 5's only. No 1s or change. Hurry up don’t be stalling me. I am not dumb. It only takes seconds.

It also only takes seconds to spell check.

Everyone knows the correct way to produce a note for this kind of caper is as follows:

Money in the bag, bitch. Or I blow your head off.

Sincerely,

Mr. B. Robber

P.S. Big bills only

You Ain't Nothing But a Hound Dog

Because I know you only come here for news of Guinness the Wonder Dog (and his never ending requests for a steak sandwich), I'll spare you and speak type of other subjects today.

How 'bout Prozac for dogs? I'm not making this up. I swear they stole this idea from Saturday Night Live.

Eli Lilly has announced new, magic pills to cure all your dog's ills called Reconcile. It's a cheweable, meat flavored pill that's a form of Prozac made for your pooch. Hmm, chewable and meat flavored? Sign me up.

Reconcile is designed to cure "separation anxiety" in your dog. Now I'm sure this is a legitimate psychological condition in your pet and not just some marketing weasel's made up technobabble just to move a lot of pills. Reconcile is designed to keep your pet from "chewing destructively, inappropriate urination and/or defecation, vomiting or worse."

I don't know how many dogs the people of Reconcile actually own, but what's worse than what's on that list? Sneak attacks while you nap? Gunplay?

I'm not a licensed dog psychologist, but I don't anthromorphize a creature who would eat his own poo and lick himself all day if we let him. The only "separation anxiety" my dog has is for his balls. My dog doesn't need Prozac but some days it seems like smoked some crack.

But if giving your dog a meat-flavored tranquilizer makes life easier for you, rock on with your bad self. But I'd try playing him some soothing music first.

I Guess We Can't Have Nice Things Dammit!

I hope you all survived Mother's Day. Because it wasn't all roses and sunshine and rainbows and happiness on Sunday. Not if you lived in Toledo anyway.

According to the Toledo Blade (best name ever for a paper by the way and I believe the only paper named for a weapon), at 3:30 pm on Mother's Day at the Golden Corral on 5730 Opportunity Drive a fracas, ruckus, and/or brawl broke out ruining the day for Golden Corraling Toledo Moms.

Allegedly, a 56 year old woman requested a 24 year old woman to quiet her 1-year-old child who was sitting in a high chair and screaming. When the guttersnipe didn't quiet down, the older woman shouted at the baby to shut up. Then it was on. The younger lady lunged at the older woman and began punching her. Apparently thinking it was part of the Mother's Day tradition, others joined in the fight which lasted about 10 minutes. The cops soon arrived and broke it all up.

Despite the melee, some customers did leave with carry out boxes as they walked to their cars. Hey, it's going to take a lot more than a few fisticuffs to put Meemaw off her feed on her special day. It is all you can eat you know.

Oh, and four of the five people arrested have pled not guilty. You might want to print this out for future reference in case next year's Mother's Day plans don't go well. If Mom's standing there silently judging you and your sisters, you can always yell, "At least a brawl didn't break out!" And you'd have proof.

Quote of the story: "I couldn't believe it," Thelma Oliver said. "This is supposed to be Mother's Day. It's just a crying shame." Couldn't have put it better myself, Thelma.

Remember to make your reservations early for Dan's Duke It Out Drive-In for Father's Day.

Your Momma Don't Rock

It's not just Mother's Day today (Hi, Mom).

Yes, I'm lucky enough to still have my Mom around and even though she just had hip surgery on Tuesday, I'm sure she can still break a foot off in your ass if you talk badly about her baby boy. Yes, even in my forties, I'll always be the last kid. Hope you liked the flowers.

It's also World Cocktail Day. Shouldn't every day be Cocktail Day? I know it is at the Kennedy Compound.

I will confess to not knowing that there was a Museum of the American Cocktail. And shouldn't it just be a bar and not a museum? There's probably some kind of insurance break if you claim it's a museum instead of a bar.

So get your drink on, kids and then plant a big, sloppy wet kiss on Mom's cheek as you slur, "I love you, man" to her.

Since I'm Going to Hell Anyway

Because this post will concern the subject of religion, if you're easily offended by this type of discussion, please feel free to quit reading now.

They gone? Okay.

To: The Jebus Freaks Who Insist On Early Morning Prayer Meetings
From: The Quiet One Just Trying to Read
Re: Your Conduct

Having been raised properly in the Midwest, I am not a verbally expressive man. One should know that denial can get you through most any socially awkward situation.

I also understand that you are so filled with the faith and power of Sweet Baby Jesus (SBJ) that you can't possibly wait to talk about it with your close circle of friends/cultists.

Unless you want me to start making omelettes in your church, shut the fuck up with the Sunday school/prayer circle in my restaurant.

Wow, that felt good. Yes, I know SBJ loves me. He made bacon.

And because you believe in Jesus, you have to forgive me. Sucks to be you.

Love,

t2ed

Karma Chameleon

Dear Reverand Bacon Al:

Karma, like gravity, is a harsh mistress.

Enjoy the view of the gigantic wheel of karma rolling back around and eventually crushing you.

If you really want to be President, you've got to be a better liar than that. You've got to delude yourself enough to believe it's the truth, and then keep repeating it.

Watch out for that "one Mormon." He managed to pull off the Winter Olympics in a desert you know.

And All's Right With the World

In a move that surely must warm the cockles of PR hacks everywhere, Paris has rehired her Publicist, Elliot Mintz. Yes, the same guy she just got rid of a few days ago and whom she blamed for her 45 day sentence for violating the terms of her probation. Just because your client is a celebretard and you have to hold her hair while she vomits, that's no reason for high priced talent to take it in the neck when that celebretard screws the pooch. That's just a saying, not an idea for a new video, Paris.

It's always nice to see BFF's kiss and make up.

And in a stunning move, Paris has decided to go all grass roots and try to get a pardon from the Governator. I'm not making this up. Even though she's not on death row (but that sounds like a pretty good idea), she has an online petition requesting that people sent a letter to get her out of her 45 day sentence. Because if America's number 1 Party Girl with no talent goes to jail, we all die a little.

Not really. Paris is just our generations Zsa Zsa Gabor. She's famous just for being famous. And no one could ever figure out why because it's not like she ever did anything.

It's here, if you want to read it. But if you sign it, don't bother ever coming back here.

And Justice For All

I'm not sure where you come down on the whole celebrity justice thing, but at least she didn't kill anyone. Yes, I'm talking to you O.J. and Phil.



But firing your publicist in a lame attempt to cover your ass? That's where we'll have to agree to disagree.

If you can't trust your PR Flack to give you legal advice, who can you trust?

Other people you shouldn't take advice from are below:

• Alberto Gonzales Magic 8 ball
• Kate Moss Diet Plan
• Martha Stewart Ouija board
• George Bush Executive Dart Board
• Robert Blake Tarot Cards
• Rosie O'Donnell Crystal Ball
• Tracy Morgan tea leaves
• Britney Spears 2 Step Program
• Lindsay Lohan Acting Classes
• Wesley Snipes Tax Planning
• Isaiah Washington Diversity Training
• Wise ass blogger relationship advice

Wait a minute. Forget that last one.

My Kingdom For a Controller

We all know kids hate learning. Sure, we could make it fun and interesting, but what's the point of that. Kids need to force fed the driest, most mundane minutae about things like history and then we'll test them on their ability to spew forth the smallest and least important facts. At least that's how we did it in the Old School Daze.

But some genius has the idea that we can trick kids into learning Shakespeare with a video game.

The best way to learn anything about Shakespeare is to read the play. Don't ever let it be read allowed in school. Everyone read quietly to themselves. And don't even think about going to see a live performance or even, heaven forbid, a DVD of a performance. Nope, make those kids sit there, read quietly to themselves and then pick up a Cliff's Notes to figure out what the hell just happened.

That's how Shakespeare got rammed down my throat. So while I have some slight appreciation for The Bard fostered by my English teacher, we got stuck reading all the weird stuff: the histories and the tragedies. To this day I still don't understand Romeo and Juliet, but I get West Side Story.

So to help the kids get their leanin' on, I came up with a few video game titles that will help them be a bit more culturally rounded:

• Super MacBeth Brothers
• Falstaff's Funktastic Free For All
• Prospero's Perilous Party
• Puck Parappa the Rappa
• Romeo's Radical Racing
• Juliet's Jazzy Jumping Jamboree
• Shylock's Shifting Shekels
• Hamlet's Harrowing House of Horrors
• Guitar Hero Goneril
• Edgar's Exciting Exposition
• Iago's Imminent Implosion
• Halo Horatio
• Super Sebastian the Hedgehog

More likely these whippersnappers would just rather get all stabby on Caesar while they slowly snuck up on him from behind.

Hickory Dickory Trickery

This has to be the headline of the week:

Woman 'tricked into sex' by penis cream treatment

In Haverfordwest, a Syrian pilot convinced a schoolteacher to have sex with him over a 9 month period ostensibly for the purposes of applying a medicinal ointment.

Now I don't want to point fingers here (or anything else for that matter), but in my personal experience, it's difficult to trick a woman into having sex. Oh, sure, you can pretend to listen and have feelings, but you can't actually use Jedi Mind Tricks on her just to get the old beast with two backs. But when you're just cuddling together and spooning and you accidentally hit her in the back, you both know the jig is up (so to speak). Whenever someone says they got pregnant "accidentally," I always ask if they were walking down the street and fell into some sperm.

If I had progeny, I'd be a little worried about the quality of education in Haverfordwest. I hope she doesn't teach Health. "It began to dawn on her that he had devised this treatment in order to have sex with her on his terms." And that breaking of dawn took 9 months.

The accused pilot, Fadi Sbano, is also charged with "obtaining money by deception." So not only was our schoolteacher allowing Fadi to have sex with her, but she was also paying him for the medicine. And if that's really how topical ointments were applied, everyone would go into the medical field. Because if you're using a clock to time yourself and it's between one and ten minutes, you're obviously a little too "anxious for a cream to be applied." Try thinking about baseball.

I don't know where Fadi is right now, but he should definintely give up flying and go into Sales.

Guide to Summer Movies

It's almost upon us. Yes, the time we'll sit through crummy movies just to enjoy air conditioning. And knowing that, the studios pump out the drek to make us endure their lack of creativity. So here is a brief recap of what you can expect for this Summer.

Spiderman 3: In this installment of the crime fighting franchise, Joel Spiderman (pronounced spi derr MUHN) CPA is on the case of some villians who willingly misclassify uncovered business expenses as legitimate expenditures. Joel also changes from a blue pinstripe suit to a black pinstripe suit in a move that has all the fanboys excited.

Surf's Up: A movie about penguins? It'll never work. Who wants to watch a penguin? Apparently everyone.

Live Free or Die Hard: John McLain's retirement community is taken over a foreign conglomerate. Several thrilling golf cart chases involve the parking lot of a Luby's and people jockeying for handicapped spots in time for the Early Bird.

28 Days Later: British accents + zombies = The Royal Family

Hairspray: John Travolta in drag? A guy in a dress have never been done before.

Ratatouille: The last rat cartoon got Flushed Away pretty quickly. Just rewatch Toy Story.

Ocean's 13: They're not even going to attempt to have a plot in this one. Just relax and enjoy pretty men walking around Las Vegas in expensive suits. If you take your girlfriend to this movie, she'll be silently cataloging in her head all your physical shortcomings.

The Bourne Ultimatum: His ultimatum? I'm not going to pay a lot for this car insurance. Seriously, who knew that Damon + Action = $$$$ while Affleck + Action = Reindeer Games?

Knocked Up: Seth Rogan finally figured out if he quit giving all the best lines to Steve Carrell, he could make some money too.

Shrek the Third: Just because you're pimping for Mars Inc.'s Snickers and M&M's candy; PepsiCo Inc.'s Sierra Mist drink; Kellogg Co.'s Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes, Pop-Tarts, Cheez-Its and Keebler cookies and McDonald's doesn't mean you can't be healthy too. At least according to the Department of Health & Human Services.

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix: In this more accurate depiction of British boarding schools, Ron finally gives Harry the rogering he so richly craves and deserves.

The Simpsons Movie: Why are you going to pay to see a show that's on 27 times a week in syndication? Yes, I'm going. D'oh!

Transformers: With Michael Bay at the helm, I'm guessing they'll be a few more explosions than well-developed characterizations in this one. Giant robots are always a draw though. So rent The Iron Giant instead.

Evan Almighty: Steve Carell gets a free pass on anything he wants to do.

License to Wed: Yay, John Krasinski (Jim) from The Office. Less of a yay, Robin Williams. A little Robin Williams go a long way.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: Isn't there some kind of threshold standard you have to achieve before you can make a sequel? Proff that people will see any piece of shit if Jessica Alba is scantily clad.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Trilogy's End: In the extras of the second movie, we learn from the screenwriters that filiming began before the script was complete. Yeah, we could tell. Johnny Depp's inspiration for Captain Jack Sparrow, Mr. Keith Richards has a cameo. Will he be able to manage a line?

Draft Dodger

I can't believe I'm writing about football in the middle of the Spring. But this is really the only time of the year that the Lions are relevant or near the top of anything. Yes, sadly, the Lions have the second pick in the NFL draft this Saturday. That means they were the second worst team in all of football last year. Thank you, Al Davis.

I'm not a fan of the Lions. The NFL is going to force feed you the local market team whenever they play. No one is a fan of the Lions. You endure them like a long lingering illness. And that illness has been going on since 1957. That's the last time they won a championship. Pre Super Bowl. Pre NFL AFL merger. How bad is it? ESPN evaluated every franchise in sports from a Fan Satisfaction perspective and the Lions came in last. As in dead last. #122 out of 122. Nowhere to go but up.

The President and CEO of the Detroit Lions is Matt Millen. Since Matt took over the team in 2001, the Lions are an NFL-worst 24-72. So the owner gave Matt a five year contract extension. And Matt has a somewhat troubled history of destroying the lives of the young men he selects with his first round pick in the draft: Charles Rogers (out of the league), Joey Harrington (backup in Atlanta), Mike Williams (overweight and a non-factor in the offense). It's been so bad, people have started web sites just to try to get Mr. Millen fired.

Now I understand how passionate some people are about sports. When the Pakistani cricket team lost to lowly Ireland (on St. Patrick's Day no less), someone strangled the Pakistani coach. I'm not advocating anyone murdering Matt Millen if he screws up this draft, but I'd certainly understand if it happened.

Matt Millen, you are on the clock. Try not to muck it up this year. Please keep the Lions in your prayers.

The Bees Knees

Reuters reported, that honeybees in the US are vanishing. And scientists don't know why. Thanks for all the insight, Poindexter. And that can't find any wee bee bodies to get all CSI on them. Man, I'd hate to have to draw those tiny outlines around the wings.

There aren't any bee corpses. They're just vanishing. Kind of like common sense.

Opposably, honeybees are responsible for pollinating all that swell fruit we love so much. As Jeff "Chicken Little" Pettis of the US Agricultural Research Service puts it, "...imagine eating a bowl of oatmeal every day with no fruit on it, that's what it would be like." Ummm, Jeff, I eat bacon whenever possible, so I'm not really sweating the bee thing because of your "Oatmeal Degradation Scenario."

Now, I don't know what you do when you're faced with a crisis. I don't think I have too many crises in my daily life. I do have a project that's absolutely on fire and will go down in flames like the Hindenburg. How am I fixing it? I've got a plan B, a plan C and a plan D. Okay, plan D is just blaming a co-worker, but that's not the point. I've got alternatives for when it all goes snafu and hits the proverbial fan.

What does the government do? Listen to this call to action. First, there's a two day "workshop" to combat what has been termed "Colony Collapse Disorder." I've got to give them some credit--that name is fabulous. It sounds a lot better than "We Don't Know Where All The Bees Are."

Second, they've scheduled a Congressional Hearing. Oh, that ought to straighten things right out. Maybe we can get some Congresspeople to walk around a field with their shirt sleeves rolled up, their suit coats thrown over one shoulder and squint into the distance. That would be a great photo opportunity and would accomplish absolutely nothing. I can honestly say I've never been in trouble and thought to myself, "If there were only a member of Congress around right now..."

Third, the National Research Council is issuing "a report." This is really what our government does best: generate reams of paper which no one reads. Now this report won't fix the problem, but it will be a good prop for a Senator to hold up in a photograph later when he or she claims victory over the dastardly beenappers.

Fourth, National Pollinator Week is scheduled for June 24th - 30th in Washington, DC. This really ought to straighten things out, shouldn't it? Once you can get a week named after your issue, you're really in the home stretch.

Can't you just imagine a bunch of agricultural policy types in town for the big week, belting back a few drinks and telling some impressionable young ladies that they're in town to "pollinate?" And you know they'd be doing that eyebrow thing. "Hmm, hmm, hmm. How'd you like to do a little pollination?"

Now the North American Pollinator Protection Campaign (NAPPC) advocates that one of the ways we can help is to "speak out and celebrate pollinators." Hey, you asked for it NAPPC.

[WARNING, SHITTY POETRY AHEAD]

I think that I shall never see

A thing as lovely as a bee.

Who wings his way across the sky

And does not even question why.

He serves his Queen and gets no money.

All he does is help make the honey.

That's right. No sex. Not even kissing.

Is it any wonder the bees have gone missing?

The NAPPC says "If bees are under attack,

Our fruit will be gone and never come back."

The plants need the bees to move the pollen.

Or our agricultural stocks will be a fallin'.

So, speak out and let us all hail pollinators.

Both Dems and GOP's can be celebrators.

Eartha Kitt

Happy Earth day to you.
Happy Earth day to you.
Happy Earth day, dear Gaia,
Happy Earth day to you.

Now blow out all your volcanoes and make a wish.

I don't think you look a day over 4 1/2 billion years old. I don't care what those creationists say.

But she has had some work done on her fault lines.

Nothing Could Possibly Go Wrong

Being an idiot-savant (or maybe I'm just half right), I like to kid that while there is no off position on the genius switch, I have more bad ideas by 8:00 am than most people do all day.

Well Marvel beat me to the punch this morning. Yes, it's Spiderman the Musical. As reported in the LA Times.

"Marvel Entertainment announced Thursday that the iconic web-slinger will be the subject of a major Broadway musical that will be directed by Tony winner Julie Taymor, who famously adapted "The Lion King" to stage, and feature music and lyrics by Bono and the Edge of U2."

I don't know who they'll get to play Spiderman, but I hope it's not an acrobatic little female moppet. You know, how they ruined Peter Pan?

And while I'm sure Julie Taymor's vision will be a lot better than director Sam Raimi's creation of the best superhero movies ever (granted, not a very high standard to be held to), we'll have Bono & Edge to bring it all home.

So in that vein, may I suggest the following musical numbers:

• Sunday Spidey Sunday
• 11 O'clock Doc Ock
• I Will Follow On My Web
• Where the Suits Have No Shame
• I Still Haven't Caught Who I'm Looking For
• Stories for Pre-Adolescent Prepubescent Boys
• With or Without Suit
• Swing (in the Name of Love)
• All I Want is Cash
• Two Heroes Fight as One
• Even Lamer than the Real Thing
• Trying to Throw Your Web Around the World
• Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me Upside Down in the Rain, Kill Me
• Spidery Day
• One (More Time to Whore Out)

But I'm sure the dancing numbers will help. How will this turn out? Bad.

Wow, I must listen to U2 even more than I watch Pandas.

Pandamoanium

I didn't want to say anything, because trying to have a kid is a big decision. I mean you don't just rush out and have unprotected sex and bring another life into this world. So if it's not happening naturally, you go for artificial insemination, right?

No, not Wife and I. Ever since I stepped on that toe popper at the Battle of Chun King, we can't have children. Because we loathe them. But where was my parade, you draft dodging bastards?

Anyhoo, at the National Zoo, they've gone to artificial insemination to try to get the female Panda, Mei Xiang, preggers. I thought the best way to get pregnant was to lose your job and get drunk.

But they've resorted to artificial insemination (and you thought your job sucked) after showing the pandas pornographic movies failed. That's right, Tian Tian, didn't get "the old bamboo" after watching movies. Maybe he's more of a Penthouse Letters kind of guy?

The question I have is what kind of porn did they try? Were they showing them pandas having sex, humans dressed as pandas, humans with pandas? Because there are some Panda Playas who do all the Panda Hos--black, white, black and white. I'm a Panda Porn Star.

But I wonder what panda porn movies they showed them. So I came up with a list of what they should have tried.

• Hannah Does Her Three Pandas
• Panda Does Punjab
• On Golden Panda
• Deep Panda
• Behind the Bamboo Door
• Backdoor Pandas
• The Fellowship of the Pandas
• PILF
• Desperate Pandas
• Three Men & a Panda
• Eight Pandas Out
• Pandas and Pandability
• The English Panda
• Panda Confidential
• As Panda As It Gets
• Crouching Panda, Hidden Dragon
• Million Dollar Panda
• Little Miss Panda
• Brokeback Pandas
• Dude, Where's My Panda?
• Edward Pandahands

As you can tell, I watch way too many Panda movies.

Dog Poetry

Guinness the Wonder Dog is turning out to be a canine of many talents. Not only has he learned to ring the bells we hung on the door, he now rings the bell just to mess with Wife & I.

So I wasn't completely surprised when I found the following note in his crate. I'm just trying to figure out how he held the pen to write it.

The Provider returns!

Bringing freedom from my confinement.

Gallop to the door

and release my golden flow.

Rich smells assault my senses.

At night the interlopers

Have left their spoor in my domain.

Squirrels! Curse your evasive agility.

Heeding the Provider's call,

I begin my repast

Some day I will have thumbs

Then I will eat at my choosing.

Another outdoor exploration

The Provider enforces

My servitude with bondage.

Enjoy picking that up.

A wee one!

They are often clumsy and drop food

In tribute to my majesty.

Alas, there is no steak sandwich today.

Into my den I stalk,

Deign to nap, later walk.

Sure a dog who writes poetry is something, but I'm not that impressed with his rhyme scheme.

At Least Vote Often

I'm sorry to say that I didn't hear about this great experiment in democracy, until now. That's right, the Great State of Indiana is letting us interweb kids help decide what their new license plate should look like. Nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan.

And while I don't want to influence your vote, I picked the one that looks most like a penis torch. Unfortunately, you can only vote until this Wednesday. So get to it!

But what the swell Department of Motor Vehicles (motto: Some Days the Line Never Moves At All) forgot to include was a vote for that little slogan that goes on the bottom of the license plate.

So I helpfully submitted a list of possibilities for them to choose from:

• Land of Letterman
• At Least It's Not Iowa
• Jesus It's Flat Here
• That Smell Is Terra Haute
• We Really, Really Like Basketball
• Hoosier Momma?
• Don't Try Telling Us What Time It Is
• Driving 500 Miles in a Circle Doesn't Make a Lot of Sense, Does It?
• At Least We Don't Have to Worry About Ron Artest Anymore
• We Apologize for Gary
• Where Kentuckians Come to Drink
• It's So Windy Here Because Ohio Sucks
• Try Our Drive Through Liquor Stores
• If You Can Read This, You're Not From Evansville
• Peyton's Place

Feel free to play along at home, kids.