Pandamoanium

I didn't want to say anything, because trying to have a kid is a big decision. I mean you don't just rush out and have unprotected sex and bring another life into this world. So if it's not happening naturally, you go for artificial insemination, right?

No, not Wife and I. Ever since I stepped on that toe popper at the Battle of Chun King, we can't have children. Because we loathe them. But where was my parade, you draft dodging bastards?

Anyhoo, at the National Zoo, they've gone to artificial insemination to try to get the female Panda, Mei Xiang, preggers. I thought the best way to get pregnant was to lose your job and get drunk.

But they've resorted to artificial insemination (and you thought your job sucked) after showing the pandas pornographic movies failed. That's right, Tian Tian, didn't get "the old bamboo" after watching movies. Maybe he's more of a Penthouse Letters kind of guy?

The question I have is what kind of porn did they try? Were they showing them pandas having sex, humans dressed as pandas, humans with pandas? Because there are some Panda Playas who do all the Panda Hos--black, white, black and white. I'm a Panda Porn Star.

But I wonder what panda porn movies they showed them. So I came up with a list of what they should have tried.

• Hannah Does Her Three Pandas
• Panda Does Punjab
• On Golden Panda
• Deep Panda
• Behind the Bamboo Door
• Backdoor Pandas
• The Fellowship of the Pandas
• PILF
• Desperate Pandas
• Three Men & a Panda
• Eight Pandas Out
• Pandas and Pandability
• The English Panda
• Panda Confidential
• As Panda As It Gets
• Crouching Panda, Hidden Dragon
• Million Dollar Panda
• Little Miss Panda
• Brokeback Pandas
• Dude, Where's My Panda?
• Edward Pandahands

As you can tell, I watch way too many Panda movies.