Rudy Redux

You know Davis, and Justin and Faldo and Freddy
Jesper and Beemer and Philly and Vijay
But do you recall,
The most horny golfer of all?

Tiger the blue-balled golfer
Always wanted to chase tail
And if he ever met them
He would leave a bad voice mail

All of the other golfers
Used to laugh and call him names (like Youdaman)
They never let poor Tiger
Join in any skins golf games

Then one soggy Major Eve
Finchem came to say
"Tiger with your balls so blue
Won't our purses grow with you."

Then all the skanks they loved him
When they met at a hotel
Tiger the blue-balled golfer
You are going straight to hell.

Jesus Thinks You're a Jerk

I know Sweet Baby Jebus can save. But not shoot and score like the Detroit Red Wings.

And Sweet Baby Jebus can heal of course.

But I never knew he could do triage.



Now you may be wondering, "T2ed, aren't you worried about going to hell for making fun of Sweet Baby Jebus?"

First, no. I've had my front row seats in hell for a long time. And that's where all the rock and roll music is going to be. Where do you think all the rockers are going to be? Enjoy the harp music in heaven, losers.

Second, I'm not making fun of Sweet Baby Jebus. I'm making fun of the marketing sleezemonkey who is using religion to make a buck. Off knock off bandages that are probably chock full 'o Chinese lead. Because you know those bandages won't even cure your psychosomatic stigmata.


But if religious themed medical prods are going to be the next marketing weasel rage, may I humbly submit the following:

• Buddha Band-Aids
• Rasta Man Rubbers
• Methodist of Magnesia
• Cathaholics Anonymous
• Latter Day Saints Latex Gloves
• Jehovah's Witnesses Walker
• Shintoist Shower Chair
• Allah Air Purifier (smells just like Mecca!)
• Pagan Pill Organizer
• Taoist Thermometer
• Sikh Stethoscope
• Christ on a Crutch Crutches

Feel free to play along at home, kids.

Hope that was suitably offensive to everyone and no one got left out. If you've somehow managed not to be offended, there's always tomorrow.

And now I'm going to have Frank Z. stuck in my head all day.

Teutonic Temper Tantrum

A lot of people don't know that Hitler was a Cowboys fan.




And don't bother inviting him to your Super Bowl party. You don't want to hang out with Hitler. He's a mean drunk.

Sext Me Up

Oh, how I wish again that I were in Michigan. Not really, but I couldn't think of anything that rhymed with Horny Mayor.

Yes, one of my favorite things about Michigan is coming back around again. This time its the corruption of the city mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick. In the fine tradition of Coleman Young, who himself was the subject of rumors of scandal and won his elections by a larger margin while under FBI investigation for alleged kickbacks, Kwame is feeling the heat.

Kwame's posse used to include most of his high school buddies from Cass Tech High. In fact, his former bodyguards used to be friends of his from the football team. I'm sure their past high school heroics fully qualified them to be bodyguards. But they're not bodyguards anymore after they sued the city when they were disciplined. Okay, this is more complicated than picking out the right Grohe faucets for the new bathroom. Hang on tight, kids.

After Kwame got elected, he held a big party in the Mayor's Mansion. Allegedly it was a really, really great party. Until the Honorable Kwame's wife showed up and bitch slapped the stripper. That was probably the end of the festivities. The mayors bodyguards took off in a cop car and because they had been drinking, had a bit of an accident. Things got really complicated when they told city maintenance folks to fix the car, bill the city and keep their pieholes shut.

Understandably, this resulted in a misconduct investigation. Because the mayor wasn't exactly squeaky clean himself, he didn't exactly want these cats to shoot their mouths off. They were quietly disciplined but it must have been too much for them because they filed a whistleblower suit against the city of Detroit (who is in no financial difficulties whatsoever) and won a 6.5 million dollar judgment. Thanks to interest that's now over 8 million that the City has agreed to pay.

It's also good to note that Kwame has been re-elected while this was all going on. There were also allegations that Kwame ran up very expensive restaurant and club bills while out of town on business (while he was also paying these same bodyguards overtime) and that he liked to stay out very late on "business" while in some cities. Because he was secretly arranging liasons while he was out of town, you can understand why he likes to travel. During the election, Special K painted himself as a strong family man and made sure to have his stripper-slapping wife by his side for all the photo ops.

Unfortunately, during the testimony, K testified that he and his Chief of Staff, Christine Beatty, were not having an illicit affair and that the bodyguards were not being disciplined because they knew anything about it. Ooops. Good thing they don't play baseball. Can't recall the exact word for it, but I think it's a no no. Oh, perjury, that's what it's called.

Turns out the K-man and his Staff Polisher have traded over 14,000 text messages. Some of the highlights: "I'm madly in love with you," thumbed Kwame. "I hope you feel that way for a long time," Beatty replied to the mayor. "In case you haven't noticed, I am madly in love with you, too!"

Sounds like strictly business to me. After all it is a city-issued pager he's using. You can get all the gory details here. Great job by the Detroit News for getting the texts after their own legal battle with the city to get the records. Read their timeline, they do a much better job of this than I do.

There is some good news for the hopefully soon to be ex-mayor, married couples who fight live longer. Kwame and his Wife should be together a long, long time. Or maybe it's just going to seem that way for him.

Childless

Wife and I can't have children. Because we loathe them. That and I stepped on a toe popper in Vietnam at the Battle of Chun King. But where was my parade when I came home after keeping Arizona safe from Charlie for all those years?

Anyway, we have no need for life insurance for kids. This kid does though.

And while Uncle T2ed doesn't advocate putting a kid on your hood and driving 99 miles an hour, I understand it.

Especially if he's named Damien Beelzebub and screams through the entire church service.

Who was really surprised to see the holy water burn him?

Since I'm Going to Hell Anyway

Because this post will concern the subject of religion, if you're easily offended by this type of discussion, please feel free to quit reading now.

They gone? Okay.

To: The Jebus Freaks Who Insist On Early Morning Prayer Meetings
From: The Quiet One Just Trying to Read
Re: Your Conduct

Having been raised properly in the Midwest, I am not a verbally expressive man. One should know that denial can get you through most any socially awkward situation.

I also understand that you are so filled with the faith and power of Sweet Baby Jesus (SBJ) that you can't possibly wait to talk about it with your close circle of friends/cultists.

Unless you want me to start making omelettes in your church, shut the fuck up with the Sunday school/prayer circle in my restaurant.

Wow, that felt good. Yes, I know SBJ loves me. He made bacon.

And because you believe in Jesus, you have to forgive me. Sucks to be you.

Love,

t2ed