Bat Out of Hell

I know this will be hard for you kids to believe. Barry Bonds and his second wife, Liz Watson, are getting a divorce. For those keeping score, she filed. I know! These two crazy kids made it for almost 10 years. And if these two star-crossed lovers can't make it, what chance do any of us have?



Luckily, this reporter has a deep cover, double top secret insider mole in the Los Angeles County Superior Court. As far as you know. While California is a No Fault Divorce state ("no fault" is a legal term meaning it's the other one's fault), Lucky Liz's Petition for Divorce sheds quite a bit of light on the couple's relationship.

And you don't have to pour all over the legalese, because here are the Top Ten Reasons Barry Bonds is Getting Divorced.

10) Backne

9) Bobby Bonilla won't get off the couch

8) Bobby's irrational anger when fat burner supplement failed to lose head fat

7) 'Roid rage whenever Barry misses "his stories"

6) Barry refuses to enter any room in the house before public address announcer introduces him

5) Since alleged steroid use, Barry isn't exactly swinging a big bat (if you know what I mean)

4) Will Rogers never met Barry Bonds

3) Pine tar all over the bathroom

2) There is no I in team, but there is in dick.

1) Since retirement, he's around all the time

The good news? He's going to be single again ladies. And probably needing conjugal visits when that alleged perjury case finally goes to trial.

Flight of the Bumblebee

It's finally back. I hope it's sinking in, folks. Because you've got 6 more months of annoying baseball home run highlights to put up with on SportsCenter.



Which bring us to Reason #429 to Love Utah: Minor League Baseball

Granted it's still a little brisk out here, kids.

Which is why this Friday is Bees Stocking Cap Night.

Nothing says Boys of Summer like needing to bundle up in a parka, mittens and stocking cap for the game. And those mittens make it tough to hang on to your hot dog.

Personally, I'm a bigger fan of the Thirsty Thursday promotion. But then I'm a baseball purist.

Damn Yankees

If you hadn't heard, Alyssa Milano is writing a book about baseball.

I know! No one told me that Alyssa Milano could write.

Sorry, that was just way too easy.

Now you may be wondering what qualifies her to write a book about baseball. That's easy--her breasticles. I'm just kidding. I'm sure she's a very sweet, talented, amazing writer. With fantastic fun bags that defy gravity.

Just take a look at that cover. See how they are trumpeting her vast qualifications and prior prose endeavors. That's some Grade A Marketing.

And check out that grueling book tour schedule. Four separate stores! And as far away as Brooklyn. So you can see why she's a Dodgers fan. They only left Brooklyn before she was born. I'm sure you can pick up that bit of history and other minutiae in the book.

But "Safe at Home?" Lame.

Here are some suggestions for the fine folks at Harper Collins who seem to be so quick to send a rejection letter when an aspiring author sends them a treatment missive. Or so I've heard.

Rejected Names for Alyssa Milano's Baseball Book

• Who's the DH?
• Players I've Banged
• Embrace of the Umpire (both of you who've seen this sex fueled movie, you're welcome)
• During Orgies, Players Must Remain in Batting Order
• My Cousin Injected Me, But I'm Sorry Now
• Getting to Third Base With Alyssa Milano
• Bleacher Reacher Around
• Not a Spitter
• Is That a Cup or Are You Just Glad to See Me?
• Alone on the Mounds
• Bang the Girl Slowly
• The UnNatural
• Confessions of a Sorority Baseball Annie
• Who's On Me First?
• He's Scratching Because He Loves Me
• Poison Ivy at Wrigley Field
• Casey at the Bust
• Los Angeles Lolita (Alyssa's finest role)
• Bull Dunhim Already
• Touch 'Em Both
• Take Me Out and Ball Me
• Don't Stop Unless You're Short

If I've somehow managed to overlook any of the esteemed work of Ms. Milano, mea culpa. Now I've got to go get a cookie.

Rocket Man

You may have heard about Roger Clemens' alleged indiscretions with country singer Mindy McCready. This is really only relevant because of the allegations of steroids abuse, Clemens portrayed himself as a family man so these type of allegations are just fun indicative of him credibility. If he lied about A, he may lie about B. And I'm certain that Ms. McCready wouldn't leak this story just because she has a new album coming out and a new reality tv show coming out and that I've never heard of her until now. That's too cynical to even think about.

Of course Mr. Clemens' attorney, Rusty Hardin (and that's what happens when you leave a hardin out in the rain) has refuted these claims. But now other women are coming out of the woodwork to indicate that Mr. Clemens may have been doing a little pitching on the side so to speak. John Daly's ex-wife was in the Clemens' Club.

Now if I understand this correctly, it seems like a professional athlete with lots of money was somehow able to have sex with a lot of different women. HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you to find that there is gambling in Casablanca.

Well this reporter just had to do a little more digging and here are other women that Roger Clemens is alleged to have had affairs with:

• Barbara Walters
• Crystal Gale
• Barbara Mandrell
• Joan of Arc
• Amelia Earhart
• Bonnie Raitt
• Margaret Thatcher
• Joan Benet Ramsay
• Carrie Underwood
• Indira Ghandi
• Jessica Simpson
• Dolly Parton
• Ashlee Simpson
• Mother Theresa
• Jessica Rabbit
• Bella Abzug
• Hellen Mirren
• Shirley Temple
• Helen Thomas
• Tammy Wynette
• Darlene Madison
• Dolly Madison

Man, those baseball players really get around, don't they?

If you know anyone else Rocket may have slipped the old fastball to, be sure to leave a comment and let us know.

A Long Cruel Summer

If you haven't heard, Major League Baseball's Most Liked Player, Barry "It's All About Me" Bonds, is out of a job. So the MLB Player's Association, having cleaned up all the problems like steroids, uppers, mandatory drug rehab, groupies (okay that's really more of a fringe benefit than a problem), candy and ice cream in the clubhouse, and excessive tobacco usage, is investigating whether there is collusion in baseball.

Yup, no one wants Barry and his baggage on his team because of a giant conspiracy amongst the owners. Yes, it's a gigantic master plan orchestrated by business owners to keep a 43 year old sweetheart of a man out of the game despite that he may be going to trial on perjury and obstruction of justice charges.

In fact there are so many well known faces out there in MLB looking for work, that they've been added to the mix as proof that there is collusion in baseball.

This reporter did some digging and talked to various unnamed sources around the league (as far as you know) and here are the real reasons some of these players are out of work.

Barry Bonds -- major asshat, selfish tool, under indictment
Roger Clemens -- alleged roider, won't travel with team, alleged pedophile

Hey a quick interjection. Why is Roger Clemens like blackjack? Because nothing good can happen when you hit on 15. Hiyo. Put her down, Jerry Lee.

Back to the list:

Sammy Sosa -- corked bats, excessive cheerfulness gets irritating over 162 game season
Kenny Lofton -- has to use a walker in the outfield
Mike Piazza -- gay
David Wells -- demands his weight in stadium hot dogs on each day he pitches

I hope that cleared it up for you, Players Union. Now get working on the serious issues like why the Detroit Tigers suck it this year.

Blow Me a Kiss

It's been announced by the office of the MLB Commish, Bud "Lite" Selig, that there will be no discipline of the Chicago White Sox for displaying two inflatable sex dolls in their clubhouse during this past weekend's series against the Toronto Blew Jays. Sorry, Blue Jays.

Cereal, I'm not making this up.

The General Manager of the White Sox, Ken Williams said:

I will assure Major League Baseball that the doll was not violated in any way, shape or form.

Of course, because Kenny boy only talks about one doll in his "apology." Clearly, by implication, the other doll was soundly rogered by randy White Sox players. During orgies, team members must remain in the batting order.

The White Sox lost all four of those games in Toronto btw.

Now I don't know why two inflatable sex dolls were on display in a major league team's clubhouse. Actually, I probably do, but I don't want to. I'm pretty sure it was a prank and not just a way for the team to, ummm, relieve a little stress over their most recent losing streak.

But because of my deep seated respect for women and because I actually penned a post about Moms and Dads having sex just in time for Mother's Day, I will not make any of the following baseball related comments about inflatable sex dolls and play by play commentary.

• He got some good wood on that one.
• He's giving a hundred and ten percent.
• This one looks like it's got the distance.
• Going, going, gone.
• No pepper.
• That's a double play ball.
• He really needs to bear down here with someone on first.
• It looks like the ump is checking for a foreign substance on the ball.
• He loves to hit with men on.
• Here comes the closer.
• There's a shot to the hot corner.
• That was a bang bang play. Let's take a look at the replay.
• Time for the seventh inning stretch.
• Here comes the grounds crew with the tarp.
• There's the old chin music.
• That's one gets into the upper deck.

I know, that's what she said. But like I said, I'm not going to make any of those jokes. You're on your own kids.

Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Isn't Ready for the New Season

Thanks to their amazingly bad start to the new season, this one goes out to the Motor City Kitties. No team that has ever started 0-7 has ever gone to the World Series. Ouch.

I should have known something was up this year when they were loading Briggs and Riley luggage on the team bus instead of equipment bags.

Bless you, Mr. Letterman.

Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Isn't Ready for the New Season

10. Last night your designated hitter needed a designated driver

9. Manager only calls the bullpen to discuss "American Idol"

8. Instead of Gatorade, players cool down with gravy

7. Outfielders move around in motorized rascal scooters

6. Billy Crystal is your lead off hitter. Carol Channing bats second

5. Team is 1,000-to-1 to win the World Series, 2-to-1 to join the cast of "Hairspray"

4. Isiah Thomas predicts you'll go all the way

3. Skipped Spring training to follow Hannah Montana tour

2. Players are jamming things in their ass, but they ain't needles

1. Hillary Clinton says attending your games is worse than going to war in Bosnia

Beisbol Been Berry, Berry Good To Me

It's the Home Run Derby tonight on telebision. And while I admit it's one of the few beisbol (disc 4, track 25) events Wife and I sit around on our home furniture and watch together, it's a tradition in our Shaque D'Amour.

I don't remember how it got started. It may have been when McGwire and Sosa were hitting them out of the park. Please add your own asterisk here.

After I make chili dogs, we curl up and watch the boys go yard. Normally when baseball is on in the house, I'm watching it by myself. Or Wife is reading a People while I'm watching the Tabbies go at it.

Wife may hearken back to the first time she ever came and watched me play ball. I hit a grand salami to win the game. My only one in organized play and she still remembers it. I must have been pumped up to have a real live Baseball Annie come to watch me play.

If we really want to feel like we're at the park, I'll take my shirt off, spill beer on her, spew profanities and throw peanut shells on the carpet. Ahhh, the great American past time. How come so many guys are named Gonzalez?

Enjoy the game, kids.