Do You Really Want to Hurt Me

Just think. In a few short hours, the Detroit Lions will ruin a young man's life.



Somewhere Joey Harrington is still in a fetal position rocking back and forth and whispering "The horror, the horror."



If only the Onion didn't hit it right on the head.

Report: Lions To Use No. 1 Pick In NFL Draft On Ryan Leaf

But then they could have pretty much gone with any Lions quarterback since Erik Kramer for this joke. And just off the top of my head that list includes: Andre Ware, Chuck Long, the previously mentioned My Pal Joey, Scott Mitchell, Rodney Peete. I'm sure there are others.

But seriously, kids. If you're sitting around today and find yourself watching the draft, you may need a support group. Or at the very least two dogs who want to go outside and run around until they're about to drop. And then run around for at least a half hour more. Give me a call, I'll let you have them for a few hours. Think of them as an exercise machine with fur.

Stay

By now you may have heard of the the calamitous national tragedy that faces our country. No, not the economy. We've known that's effed up for years and that no one understands it.

This is something important: the retirement of Brett Favre from the New York Bretts. Again.

Now I don't want to seem skeptical, but I seem to remember how this played out last time. And far be it from me to suggest that everyone's favorite gunslinging 39 year old quarterback has just figured out the best way in the world to get out of training camp.

This time there was no tearful press confernece, but Brett retiring is like when they used to put the cape on James Brown. He's been back more times than Jason.


No one really wants Brett to leave anyway. Not John Madden, not Frank Caliendo, not cornerbacks from the New York Giants. And let's face it, if the Lions are still allowed to be in the league, the Commish ought to force them to sign him as a free agent.

We know your shoulder hurts, Brett. But strap on the shoulder pain pump and take one for the fans. If Warner could make it to the Super Bowl at 37, just think what Brett can do at 40. How can we expect to enjoy football without that grizzled veteran improving while scrambling and then forcing one into double coverage?

Don't go, Brett. If only for the Wrangler commercials.

This is the End

Enjoy it this weekend, kids. Some see it as one last gasp. Others see it as one last torment. One final meaningless football game before the NFL comes to a close. And you thought you'd finally be free of the sporting events your spouse inflicts upon you. Bwahahaha. It never ends. That's right, you're going to be stuck watching basketball from here on out.

This weekend, it's the Pro Bowl. Arguably the most worthless of all of the celebratory sporting events.

And even thought it's worthless, you can still bet on it. That's right, you can take that bad advice you got last week to bet on the Steelers and turn your season around.

You really should be going to yet another football watching party. If you don't, the terrorists win.

Enjoy watching the millionaires going through the motions while you sit in an ice storm. Really, a power outage may be a blessing.

Top 10 Signs You're at a Lame Pro Bowl Party

10) Pre-game show consists of Matt Millen saying "Here ya go, ya humps."

9) The veggie dip is last week's dip that's turned

8) Squares in the pool only cost a nickel

7) Halftime show is a Dusty Springfield impersonator

6) Pretzel rods already have salt sucked off them

5) Non-alcoholic beer

4) Someone keeps asking what inning it is

3) Host serves sandwiches by hiking them between his legs

2) You spin a bottle and have to make out with John Madden

1) Overtime

Maybe if you're lucky, you'll get your own two minute drill at halftime, kids. Enjoy the game.

Game Day

From the geniuses over at someecards. They rock.

You've Got to Be a Football Hero

Hey, is something big coming up this weekend? You haven't heard anything about the Most Important Football Game Ever have you? Until next year's Most Important Football Game Ever of course.

I'm just playing with you. I know the Exxon Mobil, Publix, Raymond James Stupor Bowl is in Tampa, FL this weekend. Oh, on NBC of course.

Now some people see this chaos as a time of opportunity. No, not the hookers. I'm talking about the gamblers. Yes, you may be shocked to know that there is gambling on the Super Bowl. I know. How long has this been going on?

Some asshats are still lording it over their spouses that they correctly predicted last year's game. The New England Patsies never, ever cover. Especially Plaxico Burress.

This year it's trickier. The Steel Curtains Matches the Drapes are giving 7 points to the Arizona Non-Desert Indigenous Species Cardinals. Yes, people in Arizona are so excited to find out they have a team in the NFL!

But that's not going to be enough! Yep, I'm going out on a limb. Skip the mortgage and put everything on Pittsburgh. Purely for entertainment purposes only of course. Unless I'm right then I'll gloat about it just like this next year.

But the score isn't the main focus on the game. It's all the proposition bets. Proposition is a French word that means sucker. It's fun to wager on all the oddball things that can happen during the game. The house picks a number and then you have to decide whether that thing is going to happen more or less than that number. See? Simple.

Here are just a few examples. (Yes, you knew we'd get here eventually.)

• Food references by John Madden - over/under 17
• Brett Farve references by John Madden - over/ under 4
• John Madden references by John Madden - over/under 3
• NFL players arrested during game - over/under 2 1/2
• Barack Obama references during game - over/under 15
• Bruce Springsteen wardrobe malfunctions - over/under 1
• References to Mean Joe Green commercial at your Super Bowl Party- over/under 4
• Super Bowl commercials for liquor - over/under 52
• Drunk Driving Public Service Announcements - over/under 1
• Truck Commercials - over/under 34
• Howie Long calls you a pussy for having the wrong truck commercial- over/under 5
• Auto Companies Whining for a Bailout - over/under 1
• Commercials using fart humor to get a cheap laugh - over/under 5
• Commercials using T&A to get noticed - over/under 317
• Commercials you can't tell what they're advertising - over/under 3.5
• MVP thanks Jesus and/or Higher Power - over/under 4
• MVP thanks Agent - over/under 4
• MVP thanks Coach - over/under 0
• MVP refers to self in 3rd person - over/under 2
• Referee obviously blows call on the field - over/under 5
• Telemarketer calls during game and is surprised you don't want to talk - over/under 2
• Obligatory, unoriginal news stories about how much pizza ordered during game - over/under 568

Feel free to pass along your own bets, kids. And enjoy the game. Now pipe down and get in the kitchen and make me a sammich.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I don't want to pile on the Detroit Lions. Well, yes, I do. One of the worst franchises in all of sports. Run by a rich, old owner who apparently doesn't give a damn about whether the team wins or loses. Currently winless in the NFL and with a chance at history as the first team to go 0 and 16 in a season.

Enjoy your first loss of the season Tennessee Titans. Don't worry, you'll get right back on track with the Lions this Thursday.

How bad is it for the Lions?

After the loss to Tampa Bay on Sunday (including blowing a 17 point lead), fans have taken to half-naked wrestling in the parking lot.

Enjoy.



Boy, those guys could use a Lipovox prescription couldn't they?

Dancing In the Streets

Detroit, your long-suffering national nightmare is finally over.

No, not a City Council under FBI investigation for irregularities in a sludge contract.

No, not the indictment and resignation of a mayor who sexted messages to his Chief of Staff.

No, not a Councilmember who screams at the media for being evil.

Matt Millen has finally been fired as the Lions President and General Manager.

Matt, I'm sure that 31-84 record you've had with the Lions in the last 7 years (worst in the NFL by the way) will look good on a resume when you apply to the Raiders.

Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind

Finally, a real choice.


Glad that's over.

Now where's the 700 billion dollar bailout for the Detroit Lions and Tom Brady's knee?

As long as I don't have to listen to Tony Kornholer do his Howard Cosell impression again. I wasn't sure if I really heard that on Monday night or if I was just too hepped up on the Phentermine. I should have known better than to turn that pesky sound on. I won't make that mistake again.

Now if only there were Brett Favre currency. Oh, wait. Nevermind.

Tony! Toni! Tone!

I would like to assure the interwebs that I did not stalk Tony Kornheiser and steal his car.

Had I found his keys, the brakes would have been tampered with.

Tony K, you might want to take a gander at what Keith Jackson said to the LA Times:

Also, it seems like there is constant conversation by the announcers. Yak, yak, yak. I just don't think we need that much conversation and I have a hunch there are a whole lot of folks who feel that way.

What does Keith know? He just broadcast football for 40 years.

You've been doing it for almost two years, Tony. You keep right on talking about Brett Favre no matter what's going on in the game.

I Ran So Favre Away

I could barely take the football last night. The first game between the Packers and the Vikings.

Seriously, if Tony Kornholer doesn't shut the fuck up about Brett Favre, I'm going to put a bullet through my tv. And I don't own a gun. That's right. I'll have to go down to the gun store, fill out the forms, wait for my gun and then shoot my tv.

If Tony (who really should never, ever be shown in high def) can muse about what Brett would have done in a game he's not playing in, can I wonder how a real announcer might call a game?

Here's something that I stole from Awful Announcing. I think Tony may already have this as a tattoo.

Even the other announcers (Tirico and Jaworski) are telling him to shut up about Favre. If the New York Bretts actually get to play on Monday night, I don't think Tony will be able to call the game over his tumescence. Man I thought the Weather Channel geeks had a chubber over hurricane season. They got nothing on Tony.

There's only one way to watch this game. With the sound off and Bruce cranked. Ah, much better.

Lady of Spain I Adore You

Whew. I'm still a little loagy from the weekend.

All that football watching with the Cheesy Poofs and ingesting Cheez Whiz straight from the can left me a little lightheaded.

I heard something about Tom Brady getting caught in a hurricane after knocking up Michael Palin's daughter. Oh and the New York Bretts won. Of course.

I'm a little vague on some details. Things got a little blurry after I celebrated not having to watch any of the Lions embarrassing road defeat. Per uzh.

But I did have one moment of clarity. I've learned to keep a pad of paper by me so I can write down any flashes of insight/pearls of wisdom that pounding my head against a wall whenever I hear John Madden say things like "He's a real football player. And that's why he's playing football." It's only in that humid, woozy state that I truly have great ideas. It's kind of like when Doc Brown hits his head and then comes up with the idea for the flux capacitor.

But why did I write down "Accordian Hero Xbox 360?"

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Yes. Yes I certainly am ready for some football.


I am not ready for an Usher concert.

Nor a Mr. Nicole Kidman Keith Urban concert.


Nor a Natasha Bedingfiled song of any sort.


Quick, let's play the pyramid. Who are three artists whose CD's I will never own? Ding ding ding.



Nor hearing John Madden talk about Brett Favre. Who isn't even playing in this game.

But he should be.

He should play for every team. There should be a big wheel with all the NFL teams on it. Every week they'd spin it and Brett would go play for that team. Unless they already had a good qb like Brady or Manning. Then Brett would have to go play for the Lions that week.


Nor am I interested in seeing Al Michaels do his slow burn as John Madden refuses to either shut up or answer the question posed to him.


Please, for the love of Sweet Baby Jebus, NBC. Please show us the game. We're already tuned in. We don't need the hype. Our beverages our chilled. Our interest is piqued.


Play ball already.


Quick prediction: Giants 24, Redskins 20.

My Brett Favre's Back And You're Gonna Be In Trouble

Bless you, Brett. Thank goodness you're here to provide the needed media distraction from the grind that is summer and endless highlights of the Sox and the Yankees. Because those are the onliest two teams in America. And when they win, America wins. Except when they play each other because then America only ties.


But if only I could get more information about Brett. I know he's unretired now because apparently he can't make up his mind just like that date who wasn't sure if she wanted to be friends, have a relationship or just get drunk and have sex with you. Sometimes all in the same night. Or even the same conversation.


And the ESPN ticker crawl isn't enough. Sure, it's fine to see FAVRE roll across the bottom of your screen along with a few words from someone tangentially related to someone who might know an actual fact, but that's not enough.


What? HE FAXED A LETTER TO THE NFL. OMG. How about a copy of the letter? Who got the letter? Did he call Roger Goodell and say, wait by the fax machine for me? No, it's not that cartoon. It's a letter. Why can't we actually see the letter? Did he hand print it? OMG, I'll bet Brett Favre writes in calligraphy just like a monk.


Brett is so talented he not only throws interceptions in overtime of playoff games, but he can also act, use the fax machine, waffle on career decisions, and balance the federal budget in his head.


Why can't we just have a Brett Favre tv channel? I'm sure there's going to be some cameras left over from the Olympics events we don't watch. You know, the ones the Americans stink at. Like Ping Pong. Sorry, table tennis. Like we're going to beat the Chinese at Ping Pong in China. Yeah, right. Who wants to watch that baby seal clubbing? So just take all those cameras and follow Brett Favre around ALL THE TIME. This would be great. I'd bet we learned all sorts of things about Brett we didn't know.


You knew we eventually would get here, didn't you?


Top Ten Unknown Facts About Brett Favre


10) Born in a manger


9) Diet consists solely of food cooked at tailgate parties


8) Has a big, blue ox named Babe


7) Is the Joker's arch nemesis and keeps Kiln, Mississippi safe from crime


6) Infertile women in Wisconsin who wear Brett's jersey during games have actually become pregnant


5) Speaks 4 languages: NFL babblespeak, English, Sanskrit and Spanish


4) Has a restraining order against John Madden


3) Once called Vince Lombardi a pussy


2) Refused to become Governor of Wisconsin saying "I will not run. I only pass"


1) Was the creative inspiration for Buckaroo Banzai


But maybe, if the Packers have to release Brett, we'll see the best thing ever. Him in a Lions jersey. Be still my beating heart.

Stay Just a Little Bit Longer

In regards to this, I received the following note from my Inside Guy with the Packers.

Dear Brett:

STFU.

Love,

Aaron Rodgers

Teutonic Temper Tantrum

A lot of people don't know that Hitler was a Cowboys fan.




And don't bother inviting him to your Super Bowl party. You don't want to hang out with Hitler. He's a mean drunk.

Money, That's What I Want

If you haven't heard, there's some kind of football game coming up this weekend. I'm not certain about it as I've not heard anything about Tom Brady in the last 12 minutes or so. If only someone would give us some information about these kind of things.

Now while I don't believe in gambling, you should be prepared to go get one of them there payday loans and bet everything against the Patriots. Don't pay the mortgage, go give plasma, take back all those aluminum cans, sell the kids and empty the sofa cushions of all the change.

Seriously, the spread for the game is anywhere between 12 and 14 1/2 points. And even though the Patriots are undefeated, they never cover in Super Bowls. They've been in 3 in recent memory and all three were decided by three points: 2002 - Patriots 20 St. Louis Rams 17; 2004 - Patriots 32 Carolina Panthers 29; 2005 - Patriots 24 Philadlphia Eagles 21. See they never cover the spread. That's not even counting the '86 game when the Chicago Bears blew them out by 36 points.

Seriously, don't follow anyone's advice on crap like this. Just enjoy the commercials and eat as many Dorito's Blazin' Buffalo and Ranch chips as you can hold. No one wins at gambling except the casinos.

Don't be kicking yourself Sunday night after the game. Bet everything you own on the Giants.

Know When To Fold Them

I still can't figure out the Detroit Lions. They're 5-2 and a half game back of the Green Bay Fudge Packers in their division.

But the Kitties still haven't beaten anyone with a winning record. They gave their coach a Gatorade shower after he beat his old team, the Yuckaneers. And one of their receivers told the media they can all kiss his ass after they won last week.

They're a conundrum, wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma. And buried in a mayonnaise jar under Funk and Wagnall's front porch. Thank you, Karnak.

So if I had a link to the top online sportsbook and wanted to lay a little wager on the Kitties against the Broncos (who are coming off a heartbreaking overtime loss to Brett "I Really Was Born in a Manger" Favre), I'm not sure what I would do this early in the week. The game is not even on the board yet. Hold your breath, kids.

With the Lions, It's Not Really Gambling

I sat through another crummy Lions game this past Sunday. They lost to the Washington Redskins (who play in Andover, Maryland) 34-3. Yeah, not a really close game. They finally cut away in the 4th quarter to another game that the announcers referred to as "more competitive." If you're the announcer for the Lions game, do you wonder whom you pissed off to draw that assignment?

The Lions are actually 0-22 against the Redskins when playing away from Michigan. That's a record for one team against another by the way.

Which is why if you were going to engage in any football betting last weekend, that was the game for it. If you're wagering against the Lions, the outcome isn't in question.

Maybe I'll wear my Lions championship coat this weekend. It's from 1954. I was just sperm then.

Secret Uniforms

In an effort to salvage their season and avoid going 0-3, the University of Michigan Wolverines are breaking out some new uniforms.

These new togs should take Notre Dame by complete surprise and ensure a victory. Because you're my super secret BFF interweb buddy, I'll let you in on what the new uniform looks like.

Go Wolverines!

Jimmy Crack Corn

Because they've whipped all the other problems in the Midwest, the University of Iowa has cancelled the annual corn on the cob eating contest.

Okay, first who is actually surprised that the Hawkeyes had a corn on the cob eating contest?

But who is surprised that the contest is cancelled because according to nimrod weasel pussy vice president of student services Phillip Jones "promoting eating contests is the same as promoting gluttony."

Because as anyone who has been to a college campus recently has seen the terribly gluttonous student bodies strolling around the campus.

Even worse, the contest is the week long fun fest running up the the Iowa vs. Iowa State game. So the big tradition is ruined. Established in 1847, the contest has been in existence for over 150 years. Currently, Iowa holds a slim 76-74 edge over Iowa State. And making up things is fun.

Because of this terrible tradition tragedy, I'd like to suggest some other replacement contests:

• Beer Pong
• Streaking
• RC airplanes bombing runs of the Administration Building
• Cow tipping
• Hazing
• Corn Holing (not what you think)
• Binge Drinking
• Youth Indoctination
• Applied Bongmaking
• Fake ID Creation
• Marathon Sleeping
• Class Cutting
• 400 yard Dormitory Walk of Shame

I'm sure there are others so feel free to play along at home, kids. Until then, Phillip Jones is placing you all on Double Top Secret Probation.