Basketball Jones

Mike Polk, the same genius who brought you the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism videos, was actually asked by Inside the NBA to give them the same treatment.

It's turrible, Sir Charles.

(and about 2:00 in if you can't stand the chit chat before the real stuff. Kind of like I am before the real game starts)




I just hope Mike gives the same treatment to the NHL on NBC.

Detroit Rock City

Okay, Cleveland. Now you're just being mean.

It wasn't bad enough that the Cavs had to beat the hell out of the Pistons in the first round of the playoffs.

And I'd really be mad if anything in this weren't true.

You Don't Tug on Superman's Cape

How 'bout some happy news to finish off the week, kids?
If you're in the Midwest and walking the streets of Cincinnati, never fear. Because Shadow Hare is on patrol keeping you safe.

Oh sure, he just looks like a dweeb in a black outfit. But don't be fooled. That's just his clever ploy to lure unbelieving ne'er-do-wells into a false sense of security. In actuality, he's a 21 year old man from Milford, Ohio.

Luckily, people are taking this vigilantism seriously. It's not like the local news is exploiting it for cheap publicity.

Oh, wait. They are.



In fact, it's a three part series. Hey, at least it's not news about the swine flu.

Of course, Shadow Hare has a secret identity. That's to protect his family members from the schemes of an Evil Genius. And to keep people from hassling him in their basement.

According to Mr. Hare, he's part of a nationwide network of superheroes known as the Allegiance of Heroes. Best headline? From Topless Robot: Allegiance of Heroes Fights Crime, Dignity.

A hare? Are you kidding me? Who's afraid of a bunny? That's not going to strike fear into the hearts of evil doers. And even though they are a suspicious and cowardly lot, your Bunny Signal isn't going to cut it.

For a crime fighter in Cincy, may I suggest the following:

• Chili Man (he's famous, but only in the Midwest)
• The Queen (it is the Queen City after all)
• Red Man (not the tobacco, just his socks for the baseball team)
• Marvin Lewis (hey, he's been fighting crime against his football team for quite some time)
• Proctor & Gamble Boy (it's their corporate hq)
• Carew Tower Titan
• Dr. Johnny Fever
• Krogerman (another corp hq)

I'm sure you may have others. Feel free to play along at home.

And it's not like crime fighting is without it's risks. According to Shadow Hare, he once dislocated his shoulder when foiling an attack on a woman. And I'm guessing he also got kicked in the nuts when he asked for the woman's phone number.

We kid because we care, Shadow Hare. God speed. With great power comes great responsibility. And at 5 feet 7 inches tall, you're going to have a lot of responsibility. Hope you can run fast.

This Land is My Land

Okay, first of all, I'm allowed to make fun of Ohio because I was born there. As my crazy cousin puts it, Ohio is a great place to grow up then get the hell out."

And this video for Cleveland is in no way inspired by the Cavaliers absolutely kicking the hell out of the Pistons in the playoffs this year. That Billups for Iverson trade certainly worked out for everyone involved. Enjoy your trophy, Lebron. I'm rooting for you a lot more than I am for Kobe. But then I guess I have a bit of a problem with rapists going free. I haven't forgotten, Kobe, even if Laker fans have. Hey, I may bring a pair of women's panties to Sunday's game and try to throw them on the court when you get introduced.

Okay, enough of my Kobe rant. Back to Cleveland, kids. Book your plane tix now.



There really is a lot to do in Cleveland. The Tribe, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and chicken wing places. Or the tour of the Christmas Story home.

But I'm still laughing my ass off at this vid.

Spread the Love

I effed up. No, Tony, I didn't kill a cop. And no it's not all the random spacing blooger somehow inserted into this post. I completely missed the Ohio State Fair!


I blame Utah and it's stupid good weather. We don't have a State Fair in Utah until clear into September. By then there's already snow in Michigan. And actually Utah as well if you live above 8,000 feet.


Yes, I messed up because I completely forgot about the Ohio State Fair.


Now I've written before about the wonderfulness that is the Ohio State Fair. Where else can you marvel at the wonders of the US's vast superiority in food on a stick technology and take in a cow made entirely out of butter.


But this year they outdid themselves. In a tribute to the President's with ties to Ohio (and that's not just counting illegal campaign contributions) they made a butter sculpture featuring the likenesses of Presidents William Henry Harrison, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A. Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley and William H. Taft, and Warren G. Harding. Ah, Taft. There's certainly something to be proud of.




And thanks to our friends at the Columbus Dispatch,

we know that the sculptures this year took over 2 tons of butter. That's almost as much as Dom Deluise uses in a year.

Sure, Mount Butter may be swell. But it's no Holstein cow.


In fact, I'd rank it just behind a new credit card blog.


Now somebody in Ohio better get moving on making a boatload of waffles.

Going Home

I don't get it. Why do people who used to live someplace want to go back and look around even though they don't know anyone there now and haven't been back in 20 years?

Is this a Universal Truth?

I got stuck driving my Pop around the bump in the road where I grew up last Summer. We even had to drive by all three houses the family had lived in (including the real shitholes before I was born). You could tell these places didn't exactly have chandeliers or under cabinet lighting.
And yes, that skulker in the red ball cap with his pants in his jeans is the Old Man aka Pop. Tell me you wouldn't call the authorities if you saw that guy on your driveway. At the very least get out the No Soliciting sign because you know he's always got to be closing.

Of course we had to take lots of pictures of houses now owned by strangers. I can't believe no one calls the cops when people with out of state plates stop in the middle of a street and start taking pictures of random houses. Luckily, no one seemed to be home at any of these unsuspecting domiciles or we'd have probably been stuck in a half hour conversation about what the house used to be like before you bought it and let it go to pot. "I remember when this was all farmland...." Never get a Peepaw started about what the place used to be like unless you've got a comfortable chair close by.

I also had a buddy of mine make me drive by his old apartment so that we could see if the green door he had put up was still there. Yeah, I didn't get it either.

And today Wife is stuck driving her parents down to where they used to live in Detroit some 20 years ago. She's lucky though, her parents won't want to get out of the car and go all stalky on the new residents.

Sorry about the funky formatting kids, Blogger is being cranky today with the swell photo insert.

What about you? Do you go back to where you used to live and see how the new residents are treating the joint? Do you silently judge their yardwork and handyman proficiency? Or are you like me, once you're gone it's "Later, losers" and you could care less about the old joint?

I Guess We Can't Have Nice Things Dammit!

I hope you all survived Mother's Day. Because it wasn't all roses and sunshine and rainbows and happiness on Sunday. Not if you lived in Toledo anyway.

According to the Toledo Blade (best name ever for a paper by the way and I believe the only paper named for a weapon), at 3:30 pm on Mother's Day at the Golden Corral on 5730 Opportunity Drive a fracas, ruckus, and/or brawl broke out ruining the day for Golden Corraling Toledo Moms.

Allegedly, a 56 year old woman requested a 24 year old woman to quiet her 1-year-old child who was sitting in a high chair and screaming. When the guttersnipe didn't quiet down, the older woman shouted at the baby to shut up. Then it was on. The younger lady lunged at the older woman and began punching her. Apparently thinking it was part of the Mother's Day tradition, others joined in the fight which lasted about 10 minutes. The cops soon arrived and broke it all up.

Despite the melee, some customers did leave with carry out boxes as they walked to their cars. Hey, it's going to take a lot more than a few fisticuffs to put Meemaw off her feed on her special day. It is all you can eat you know.

Oh, and four of the five people arrested have pled not guilty. You might want to print this out for future reference in case next year's Mother's Day plans don't go well. If Mom's standing there silently judging you and your sisters, you can always yell, "At least a brawl didn't break out!" And you'd have proof.

Quote of the story: "I couldn't believe it," Thelma Oliver said. "This is supposed to be Mother's Day. It's just a crying shame." Couldn't have put it better myself, Thelma.

Remember to make your reservations early for Dan's Duke It Out Drive-In for Father's Day.

Have a Great Summer

If you were lucky enough to go to Wayne High School (home of the Warriors) in Huber Heights, Ohio, I hope you finally got your yearbook.

That's because Jeanne Sterling, the Teacher Advisor for the yearbook, did a little grading of her own. Isn't the Yearbook Advisor always one of the cool teachers?

Unfortunately for the administration, Jeanne was retiring after 35 years of service. And she wasn't pulling any punches when she took the opportunity to give some not so swell grades.

Students in general got a "C" grade for students because of their unwillingness to pay attention and lack of effort. D students everywhere celebrated by skipping school that day.

Huber Heights School Superintendent Bill Kirby and his ability to run a school district got the Big F. I guess we'll be seeing you during the summer, Mr. Kirby. Stay out of trouble this summer, you slacker. The Warriors are watching you.

Now I'm not one of those obsessed people who still bear a grudge against everyone who ever slighted them in high school. In fact, I'm one of the "whereabouts unknown" at my old school according to the one person I still talk to now and then.

But how cool would it have been to put all the nasty stuff you'd ever been thinking about in the yearbook instead of "You're too cool 4 school. Call me. See you at the Carousel of Miami Valley Beauty College in the Fall." (Seriously, that's the closest institution of higher learning in Huber Heights).

What would you have put in your year book if you thought you could get away with it?

I might have gone with: Later, losers. I'm blowing this pop stand, travelling the world and expanding my mind beyond the realm of the small minded and ill informed. Enjoy getting pregnant too soon, married too young, and divorced too late.

Anyone have a good sign off for high school?