It's All Academic

Being a heterosexual male, I'm actually not allowed to watch the Academy Awards. Because I am a scofflaw though, I secretly watch the Red Carpet Show so I can mock Ryan Seacrest for being shorter than everyone in Hollyweird and the real show for as long as I can stand it/remain conscious.

Because I play a little drinking game whenever the following occurs:

• Thanking Agent
• Thanking Agent before thanking "Higher Power" (drink twice)
• Obviously intoxicated star
• Gratuitous camera shots of Jack Nicholson
• Consoling the Losers
• Gratuitous camera shots of losers who are not good enough actors to appear non-bitter
• Bad banter between co-presenters
• Crappy singing
• Crappy dancing
• Crappy singing & dancing (drink three times)
• Camera shots of accountants
• Camera shots of ugly dress
• Star who has obviously not bathed today (excluding Ethan Hawke)

Because it's all about the fans. It's not enough that movie stars have the money, the fame, the adoration of millions, the ability to get strangers to have sex with them even in airplane toilets where it's impossible to even stand upright. They need an award to affirm their self worth.

So here are my predictions:

Best Picture: The Queen

Helen Mirren has it in her contract that every time she plays British Royalty, she is required to win an Oscar. Helen Mirren's death grip on Hollywood is so strong that sometimes she wins awards for movies she has not, in fact, actually been in. Besides for some reason Martin Scorsese is not allowed to win an award. He actually stole Oscar's date at the Hollywood High prom and has never been forgiven. And comedies aren't allowed to win so suck on that Little Miss Sunshine.

Best Actor: Peter O'Toole

Peter will win because he got screwed for My Favorite Year when that hack, Ben Kingsley, won for the action adventure prequel Gandhi Goes to Guadalajara. Peter vomits during his speech, tries to start a fight with Peter Finch who has actually been dead for quite some time and acknowledges that he is the father of Dannielynn.

Best Actress: Helen Mirren

Helen's acceptance speech will, however, be disrupted by a drunken Kate Winslett who yells something about "crowning this" while making a obscene gesture at the stage.

Best Supporting Actor: Jackie Earle Haley

In a bit of an upset, Eddie Murphy actually loses to Mr. Haley for The Bad News Bears Go to Japan. And while Alan Arkin is inconsolable after the loss, he is momentarily consoled when Mark Wahlberg unexpectedly shoots Eddie Murphy at the very end of the ceremonies in a plot twist that no one saw coming.

Best Supporting Actress: Abigail Breslin

Jennifer Hudson will have to be tasered when Abigail Breslin wins. Presenter Simon Cowell is heard to utter "Eat It" during the Awards live feed.

Best Director: Helen Mirren

A not so unexpected upset when Alejando Gonzalez Inarritu and Paul Greenglass manage to somehow split the vote for Movies Which No One Has Actually Seen. Clint Eastwood and Martin Scorcese are both hospitalized following a green room duel instigated by accusations of tainted potato salad.

Hoop Dreams

As the last, final, we-give-up-already kid in my family, there's not many photographic recollections of my existence. Oh sure, there's lots of stuff from the oldest daughter who predates me by 18 years. Mom and Pop have stacks of scrap books with her baby teeth and pictures of her first steps and popsicle art from Camp Y Noah (where we would be packed off to every summer so the parents could have "some peace and quiet goddamit.")

There is a gradual decline in the intervening flotsam and jetsam of the two older brothers until finally there's just a battered shoe box from the Johnson administration that contains the momentous events (such as they were) of my kiddom.

So it's with great pride that I present the following swell snapshot from my past. Yup, that's the old man coaching/yelling and apparently posing for a JC Penney's catalog with my basketball team. Fifth Graders to the one of us with the meanest illegal zone defense that league ever saw. We had double screens, out of bounds plays and every other pick up, street ball way to cheat the old man had ever learned the hard way.

Yes, that's me with the bad bowl cut, untucked t-shirt and red Chuck Taylors. Yup, a rebel even back then. I don't roll to no league dress code. Thank goodness the socks aren't pulled up any higher. And those sideburns show that we're locked in the depths of the 70's.

Yup, a "Coaches kid." Just like having your own little field general on the floor: calling out defensive switches, knowing when to take time out, hitting all the free throw shots, setting illegal screens, passing the ball out of bounds frequently from watching too many Magic Johnson highlights. Although back then it was probably Jerry West.

Of course I'm not paying attention. Why? I'm going to shoot as soon as I get the rock. That's "the ball" for you kids who aren't hep to the street lingo of the basketball scene.

No idea who that hanger on in the Mickey Mouse tee is by the way. Probably someone's little bother.

It would be about six more years before reality set in that I was going to be too slow and too small and too bad to do this professionally.

This Just In

I don't know if you've heard, but Anna Nicole Smith is still dead!

Seriously, I don't know why there's such a conspiracy. The media just won't cover this topic. I can't take it anymore. I can't never hardly not turn on a tv and not find any coverage at all about Anna Nicole and her alleged death. Pacifically, I need to know:

• everyone she slept with
• what was in her suitcase at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel
• did her death room at the Hard Rock Hotel really include an orange corduroy couch, a mini-bar stocked with lubricant and glow-in-the-dark condoms, and a leopard-print ironing board
• can I get that room on Friday
• why she dresses as a clown
• what is her baby's blood type
• what is her baby's daddy's blood type
• why did the Kennedy administration order her killed
• where did she want to be buried
• was she ever sober on camera
• was she really that dumb
• what was her favorite ice cream
• did she reject the name Whitetrashina for her daughter
• is stripping really the best way to meet wealthy, elderly men
• how hard is it to force yourself to have sex with wealthy, elderly men
• what was her stripper name
• how much weight did she lose

I have to know why the media won't cover this story.

And I know she had weight trouble in the past, but when I heard the court was having hearings on her remains, that hardly seemed respectful. She might have gained some of that weight back, but surely she wasn't big enough to hold court on her. I know they don't know what to do with her body, but using it hold the hearing on doesn't seem very nice. Sure that nice Bahamian minister wanted to hug her and apparently prospective, alleged fathers certainly had plenty of access, but having court cases on her doesn't seem right.

What? Oh, nevermind then.

I gotta go rent Naked Gun 33 1/3 and look for clues.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Dear Brit:

Hey, B. Thanks for your last email and the picture. I don't care if you are so proud that the curtains match the carpet now, you've got to keep wearing your underwear. When I said you need to go to one of those chi chi McRehab spots, I meant for more than one day.

Seriously, you need to get over this. We're never going to go out again. I'm happily married now and will never come back to dance for you. Just because I said Persis Khambatta, Demi and Natalie Portman looked good with the smooth look, you shouldn't have shaved your head.

If you were a little more discriminating about who you let into the velvet valley, you wouldn't have lice in the first place. When you're hanging out with Paris and you're the slutty one, you've got trouble. If you're picking up her cast offs, you've got to expect you'll eventually catch something.

Why didn't you just send one of your publicists to get some lice shampoo? No one said you had to run down to Rite Aid yourself. No one would have known. Someone is eventually going to figure out why you shaved when they see all the hair care products in the trash.

Hope you are okay and enjoy the Yul look.

Love,

t2ed

All Lindsay, All the Time

T2ed:

Happy Blated Valentime's Day! Thanks you so much for the choclates you sent. No one but me knew they were rum inside. I was able to get a real good buzz going thanks to u. Dina was pissed. HA. Can't beleive she showed up with a bunch of popparazzi with her. Bitch.

I kept sexting (sending sexy text messages) on u but u never answered me. I got so despirit that I started sexting Brody Jenner. Don't be jellus, he's just on the right coast. I couldn't get him to give me any McDonald or love either. I just wanted to fuck and have a Big Macc. Not rilly in that order. HA.

Paris and I hung out at Les Doo on Saturday. Everyone wanted my picchter which was kinda hard because my heels were making it really hard to stand up and keep my eyes open and not slur. Paris is sucha good kisser but too skinny.

The movie I filming sux. I thought Hurbie was bad but this is even worst. I know who killed me. My goddamm agent! He should get 10 percent of my foot in his ass.

Well I gotta go. I heard were getting sum fresh meat tonight. Some big boser witha face tattoo. He sounds sexy. Hope he likes girls and likes to party.

Thanks for getting me drunk. Again.

Luv,

LL

Top Ten Least Popular Candy Hearts

Since we're into the home stretch, here's another lil tidbit for ya'll.

The Top Ten Least Popular Candy Hearts:

10. DO YOU LIKE ME OR DO YOU LIKE ME LIKE ME

9. HAIRY BACK

8. WAY NEEDY

7. BE MY INTERN

6. YOU HAD ME AT WASSUP

5. BI-POLAR

4. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

3. STALKING U

2. U R A DORK

1. I SPEND 12 HOURS A DAY WIRITING THESE STUPID SAYINGS AND SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS.

Also, I did find out from the American Film Institute that the three most romantic movies of all time were judged to be Dr. Zhivago, Gone With the Wind and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Be careful with the love hangover, kids.

Cupid is Stupid or There's a reason it's called VD

As the resident Dr. of Love at the National Sarcasm Society (Like We Need Your Support), I often get asked questions about the quaint traditions surrounding Valentine's Day. As far as you know, I get plenty of questions.

So I put our crack research team (a chimp who knows how to use Wikipedia) to dig up these Little Known Facts about Valentine's Day.

• St. Valentine is actually the patron saint of dancing in public, drunk dialing and unrequited love.


• Necco Brand Candy Hearts originally contained the saying "You Had Me At Wassup" and were originally to be used as antacids.


• In most Greek sculpture, Cupid is depicted not only with his trademark bow and arrow but with a felt fedora and a string of sassy ho's.


• An estimated one billion greeting cards globally are exchanged on Valentine's Day. This is second only to National Battery Day.


• If you buy flowers at a gas station, they will smell like diesel.


• The English invented filled chocolate candy in the 1700's with toothpaste was the predominant filling in an effort to improve local dental hygiene.


• In North America the National Association of Foil Producrs invented exhanging cards in elementary school to move more aluminum used to cover all those shoe boxes.


• The only gift for a woman on Valentine's Day is more.


• Because it began as a Roman fertility rite, Valentine's Day sex will definitely result in conception despite any precaution or preventative. Just like being in the band Menudo.


• The first mass-produced Valentine's Day cards were produced in Worcester, Massachusetts by the same woman who invented Worcestershire Sauce, Ms. Lea A. Perrins.


• The Saint Valentine's Day massacre happened because Al Capone's moll told him she had to stay in to wash her hair.

Enjoy the day, kids. Remember, it's only stalking if they decide to press charges. You never know until you ask them to help you move a couch into the back of your windowless van.

Show me your heart light. Or just despair at the inanity.

A Love Letter

I'm coming for you, baby.

And I'm going to take you for as long as I want.

You can't resist me no matter what you do. You're powerless against me. You're mine and I'm going to control you for as long as I want.

You've never had nothing like me. You're going to be worn out, exhausted and weak in the knees.

I'm going to make you ache, shake, grunt and groan. You're going to beg for mercy. But I'm in charge.

I'm going to drain you. You'll beg for my mercy, but it I will be unrelenting. You're actually going to be glad to see me leave.

All my love,

The Flu

Stupor Bowl

Hope everyone had a good time with the game. You should have been able to amaze the crowd with your knowledge of the history of the game. With any luck you won the pool for best commercial. Of course it was Dave and Oprah.

So in honor of the funniest man on tv.

The Top Ten Ways to Tell You're At A Lame Superbowl Party

10) Your halftime show is Prince Charles
9) You're in Miami......of Ohio
8) Someone in a satin shirt asks when the bowling starts
7) All the clam dip is expirationd
6) People keep yelling "Go, Brett, Go"
5) As you're on the way to the restroom, John Madden comes out
4) Joe Namath gets all sloppy and keeps trying to kiss you
3) You discover Lovie Smith got his name because he's a little "handsy"
2) The only wardrobe malfunction is your fat Uncle Earl
1) People keep saying "Next year the Lions will win it all"

Remember, if you're betting on the Pro Bowl, you've got a problem.

Super Duper

I just heard there's some kind of football game this weekend. Have you heard anything about this? I don't know too much about it so can't really pass along that much information.

There's something unique about the coaches, but I'm not sure what. And the teams are from somewhere in the mid-West, but I haven't heard where. Maybe I can pick up some of this information in the "Tostito's, IBM, Monster.com, CBS 17 hours-o' hype brought to you by Chevy and the Rockem Sockem Robot Commercial that must be shown in a continuous loop during all sporting events" Pre-Game Show.

And while it's extremely difficult to find out anything about the game (including where it is this year), I do have some Little Known Facts about the Most Important Football Game Ever in the past versions.

If you're a novice to Super Bowl parties, make sure to loudly share these Little Known Facts at your party this year and you're sure to be a real hit with all your friends!

• Not originally called the Super Bowl, the game was actually called Nancy.
• The losers of Super Bowl I were put to death.
• The cheerleaders at Super Bowl XIX were men.
• The decision to use Roman numerals to reference the game was made because then NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle was bad at math.
• The National Anthem was not sung until Super Bowl VII. Before then the game began with a stirring rendition of Funkytown.
• Notre Dame won Super Bowl III.
• Teams participating in the Super Bowl are determined by a secret cabal of media and coahces. Just like the Bowl Championship Series.
• More people bet on the commercials in the Super Bowl than the game itself.
• The only television show that has had more viewers than the Super Bowl was Joanie Loves Chachi.
• The team that has won the most Super Bowls is the Detroit Lions with 9.
• Due to his immense popularity, Brett Favre is the starting quarteback for both teams in every Super Bowl.
• The only teams never to win a Super Bowl are the Washington Redskins and the Calgary Roughriders.
• While Peyton Manning is considered one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL, the real athlete of the Manning family is his 7 year old sister Emily. Emily is projected to be the numbr one pick of the Oakland Raiders in April.
• Super Bowl Sunday is the day with the largest incidence of domestic violence in the United States. That's because men won't shut up during the commercials and frequently "sass" on this day.
• John Madden won two Super Bowls while wearing a mansiere.

Enjoy the game, kids. Remember it's not whether you win or lose, it's how many appeteasers you order.

Rehab Diaries

I don't know how she found my email address because we haven't hung out together in years. I'm guessing she's got way too much time on her hands. Here's what she had to say:

T2ed:

What's up my beottch? How r u? U probly know that I'm in Wonderlnd for a bit. I rilly don't need this but my Publicyst tolde me I better go b4 a judge made me. I don't know what the biggy is. Just cuz I wanted a bloody Mary to three after my appendix out everyone threw a big spaz. There's nothing better than a bloody witha vikodann. Mmmmm. It just helps me get a liddle mello.

Because I'm a star I get to cum and goe as I want. I'm still filiming my movie I No Who Killd Me. So I'm have to take media calls on my fone and they won't leaf me alone. Luckily, I still get to goe shopping on Rodea when I'm not filimng. You'd like it here we have gots trainers, akkuupuncture, serfing and sailing and even horseridin. I just got done with a mazzage and hit the juice bar but they wouldn't give me any Belvedears so I had to sneak back to my room to party.

It's pretty cool here because they have all these people in wite coates who have to listen to me talk all the time. Theyre asking lots of silly things like why do I like to party. Duh. I just try to enjoy my mimoza and ramble a bit. It's not like they can tell me to shut the hell up or anything.

It's nothign like when we I did Meen GirlZ because I'm not getting anny sexx at all. Theres nothing but old crusty dudez in this joint. Courtney dropped by and told me to just chill. She's dunn this a couple a times and said it just gets way easy after you learn to tune out a bit.

I just mist Keith Urbin so I was rilly bummd. I don't know his music at all but he's so cute and I'd like to where that cowboy hat and nothing else as I rode him like a cowboy. Hee,

Well I gotta go. Were having a ping pong tournament between the boozzers and the pillheads versus the bulleemiks and the shopahaulics. The gamblers are putting it on and I hope we win all the mac and cheeze from teh dieters. Some guy named Washington is in here for rehab because he told some guy he was a homoe or something. He jsut better stay the hell away from my chef.

I just got my Cosmo sent to me. All these pix make me look really grwn up. Dina is going to have sucha cow. HA!

Luv,

LL

Cognitive Dissonance

It's that time of the year. Yup, Idle Americans is subjecting us to truly awful singers. I have a slight confession to make. I never watched until last year and I only watch the auditions. That's probably because I don't care who wins as I am not a major purchaser of karaoke music. I'll stick with rock and roll, thankyouverymuch.

So I'm always amazed at the outrageous indignation of people who truly suck. Last night I really enjoyed the girl who knew she was tone deaf and couldn't sing and then cried when after she demonstrated she indeed couldn't sing was surprised none of the judges wanted to select her for a singing

competition. The logic seemed to have been that if you select someone who can't sing for this singing competition, you can make it the best signing competition ever.

Now, I don't truly have unfulfilled dreams. (Oh sure, there's that one about me and Maddie Hayes and a case of baby oil, but that's not the point). Let us take, for example, a scenario in which I had decided to quit my job and become a member of the French Lumberjack Competition circuit. I am fairly confident that I know what my friends would do. They would dissuade me from such a course of action.

They would say, "T2ed, you don't speak French. You are not, in fact, a lumberjack. You don't own your own ax. You don't drive a pick up truck. You don't own a big blue ox. And you don't even really care for flannel." Of course this would occur after the peals of laughter had dissipated and they were done kicking me in the ass. In fact, given the size of my town, I'm quite certain complete strangers would come up to me and tell me French Lumberjacking is never going to work out.

So I'm astounded when people who seem supremely confident are quite shitty at what they profess to be aspiring professionals in. (This applies to the Detroit Lions as well by the way).
People who couldn't carry a tune with two handles routinely tell people who have been in the music profession for years (even subtracting the time spent in duets with MC Skat Kat) that they don't know what they're talking about.

Even more sublime are the folks who have just been told they can't sing so their response is to start another song. Hello... is this on? Earth to McFly. I read somewhere that most plane crashes occur because the pilot sees on the instruments that a crash is imminent and instead of making the adjustment that would save the plane, the pilot instead refuses to accept what the instrument says and misses the chance to take corrective action. I think it's the same thing with shitty singers.

So I've got a question. Is there something that you think you're really good at and no one knows about? And have you never demonstrated this talent to anyone else? Is it your secret special skill? Or is your Mom the only one who tells you how good you are at it? Maybe what makes it such a secret special skill is that it's secret. Maybe if it's public, it's not special. Maybe it somehow gets changed and warped and ruined if it's not secret.

Or at least that should be something we tell folks who are waiting in line for the audition.

Either I don't have that kind of outrageous confidence in my special skill that no one knows about and I've never demonstrated publicly or I'm not motarded. Please note that it is completely inappropriate for you to be thinking "Yeah assbag, your secret special skill which should be kept private is your writing!"

Now where's that axe I just bought....

Can You Hear the Kitties Crying?

I'm shocked, shocked I say, to learn that this swell relationship isn't working out.

Yup, Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese are splittsville. Who had just over a year in the break up pool? I hope you kept your receipt for those margarita glasses.

That's right ladies, this handsome young, devil may care, freak-about-town, is back on the market! Just ignore those rumors about him dating 19 year old Evan Rachel Wood.

It's probably only a matter of time before Mr. M gets a sports car and hair plugs.

And it's so contentious that they're arguing over spousal support, who will pay for her lawyers and even the kitties.

I hate when Devil Dad and Trash Mommy fight.

As usual the court papers give us nothing and claim the split is just due to irreconcilable differences. I know better. Here are the real reasons, they're breaking up:

• He still scares her every morning without his makeup
• She once yelled out "Alice" during sex
• Fights over the eyeliner
• Her refusal to sleep in his coffin
• Whenever he says, "It's all about the music," she yells "Bullshit" at the top of her lungs
• Endless arguments about who is the pretty one and who is the ugly one
• He still hates the pet name Milky
• She caught him one time, once dammit, trying on one of her corsets and just won't get over it. Geez!
• His family? Crazier than he is.
• She has never forgiven him for making her give up her promising pole dancing career.
• At home he always listens to smooth jazz

What chance do any of us have if these two crazy kids can't make it?

Bad Re-Habits

I wish I could say that I planned this. But you no me better than that. It's just got to be karma, kismet, luck o' the Irish and plain old dumb luck that I heard this right after Lindsay Ho-han (thank you Reigning Frog) took a month off the party circuit.

From the genius that is Heywood Banks:

If you have a
Problem with alcohol,
There are people
That can help you.
And it's the same
With cigarettes and cocaine.

But it's unfortunate
What you're addicted to,
Has no funding for a hotline.
No, there is no
Twelve Step for Stupid.

Stupid has no intervention.
Stupid has no Friend of Bill.
Stupid has no Dumbassaholics Anonymous.
There's no patch to wean an ignoramus.
No Betty Ford for the moronic famous
No, there is no 12 Step for Stupid.

Now if you find yourself
Watching a tv show
That involves dating
Or eating bugs,
You should look at that
As a warning sign.

But if you find yourself
On a tv show
That involves dating
Or eating bugs,
That ends the argument
For intelligent design.

Stupid has no intervention.
Stupid has no Friend of Bill.
Stupid has no Dumbassaholics Anonymous.
There's no patch to wean an ignoramus.
No Betty Ford for the moronic famous
No, there is no 12 Step for Stupid.

Yes, Heywood is the same genius who brought us Big Butter Jesus.

Fully Loaded Indeed

This news comes in from Mr. Obvious.

Hang onto your chairs, kids, but Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab. Also just in, water is wet and the sun is hot.

And by rehab, we mean being pampered for a month at the Wonderland Center. Let's face it, if you can afford a place to "recuperate" with views of Laurel Canyon and private rooms, you don't really have a problem.

They say that art imitates life. And whomever the marketing genius who named the last Herbie movie "Fully Loaded" is probably getting a bonus right now. That weasel had to have known old LL was going to have to check into somewhere for "exhaustion" and they'd be able to ride that news into another sweet wave of DVD sales for the studio.

According to MSNBC, LL arrived at Wonderland "clutching a Jamba Juice." Ah, one last vodka laced treat, then it's off to the spa. Apparently no one parties like a post appendectomy patient parties.

Best part of the story? The self-contradictory quote:

“I'm not even legal to [drink], so why would I? I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun."

Suuuuure you don't drink anymore, Lindsay. And people drink Jager because they like the taste of Nyquil.

No word on whether LL will still want to kick Michelle Trachtenberg's ass after rehab.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

My friend and I were recently in his car and headed to the store. As we waited for a parking spot, the car in front of us began to back up.

Being alert, he honked his horn.

The car continued to slowly back up. He honked his horn a little longer.

The car loomed closer.

He really layed on the horn for a long time. Think of that asshole honk you hear every now and then. No one in the lot can miss this honking.

Whack. A slight jolt as the car in front of us backed into us.

My buddy got out and walked up to the car. He started to yell, "You dumb son of a bitch! You just backed into me you stupid shit."

I sat in the car as he stomped back to his car and examined the front bumper.

He walked back up to the car which hit us and said between clenched teeth, "You're lucky you didn't do any fucking damage."

He got back in our car as I saw hands gesticulating in the car in front of us. Something about that looked familiar. Comprehension slowly dawned.

"You know you've just been honking and yelling at deaf people," I calmly said. "Hope they're not too good at reading lips. Especially profanity."

Yeah, we got out of there pretty quickly after that.

Doesn't This Suck

I'm sorry I'm late to the party because this wonderful product has been out for a month.

It's the Shoover or vacuum cleaner shoes.

Yeah, those are pretty happenin' aren't they? Weren't those the original Cosmo Kramer's?

I don't know if they're really calling it that or it's just the best made up name in the world, but here are some other suggestions for the fine marketing weasels at Electrolux.

• Dust Buster Browns
• Marc Sucko
• Adidabsorbers
• Doc Maartensuction
• Sucking Air Jordans
• Birkensucks
• The I'm Going to Get You Dirt Suckers
• Dr. Schollshiners
• Grasshoovers
• Steve Maidden
• Candie's Cleaners

Feel free to submit your own, kids.

Actually, this isn't that crazy of an idea. But if they're smart, they'll sell them in sets of four and make them in sizes that fit dogs.

Let My People Go

Charlton Heston's neighbors are suing him because of a mudslide.

Unless he was holding up his arms and a staff when the mudslide happened, I'm not sure how it could be his fault. It was probably an Earthquake.

It's probably going to be very uncomfortable at the neighborhood get togethers when the dish he brings to pass is Soylent Green and he calls his neighbors "Damn dirty apes!"

And I'll bet Chuck tries to resolve the suit by blowing the hill all to hell or challenging the neighbors to a chariot race.

Never pick a fight with the former head of the NRA. He'll bust a semi-automatic cap in your ass.

(and if anyone knows wtf is up with Blogger and inserting random spacing into any post with an image, give me a yell please)

This Just In

I have some disturbing news, kids.

Britney Spears Promises To Be Bigger And Better In 2007

Consider yourself warned.

“I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever, and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level. I know I've been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move..."

Brit, going commando is hardly an exaggeration when your hoo hah pictures are all over the web. And let's face it, when you choose to take a nap in a bar, it's called "passing out" not "exhaustion." Oh, and tell me it's all about the music again.

Marrying an a old friend for a weekend while in Vegas? Marrying a talentless couch monkey who is this generation's Eddie Fischer? Oh yes, just exaggerations by the media.

If you are truly going to "reach out" to me, please keep your hands to yourself.

World Hypmotism Day

It's World Hypnotism Day kids.


You know what that means don't you. You're getting very sleepy. Like most time when you read this blog. Now Sleep!

You will celebrate... you Will celebrate....you WILL CELEBRATE.

Oh, and cluck like a chicken of course. Can't forget that one. It's a classic.

But seriously kids, I was actually hyp-mo-tized (that's the correct pronunciation) once. It was at country fair when I was in high school. Seriously, who could make this stuff up. My buddy Mac and I both went and got picked to be on stage with about 15 other people.

The hypmotist (whose name escapes me but who had one of those really cheesy faux hypmotist voices you've seen in every bad movie) had us fold our hands together and then told us we couldn't get them apart. That one really worked.

But when he told us to SLEEP, it never really worked. In fact a couple of us got the giggles.

He also had me lay down on the stage and said that I couldn't move anything but my head. And when he talked to me, I yelled "I Been Hy Mo Tized." He didn't like that I got a bigger laughs than his weak shtick, so that was the end for me. For the rest of the big show, I just had to sit on a chair and pretend to be asleep.

I always try that SLEEP voice on my friends' kids when they won't shut up. It never works, but I figure it's worth a try. You never know.

A Steely Resolve

All the cool kids are doing it. Of course, I'm talking about making foolish New Year's Resolutions. Which makes no sense at all. I'm mean, we're perfect aren't we? But the most annoying thing about perfection is the other people who think they're perfect and just ruin it for the rest of us, faithful readers.

The way to really do this is to make resolutions for other people. I like to write down some life improvement lessons instructions orders on a 3x5 card and hand them out. People always warmly welcome these helpful instructions so much. So here are my orders for the coming year.

Britney Spears: Wear some underwears, trampy. Or at least a skirt long enough to cover your sausage wallet when you're getting in and out of limos whilst on a bender.

Mel Gibson: Keep your racist pie-hole shut. And cough up for a cab.

Al Sharpton: Don't bring a corpse (no matter how nicely he's dressed) to a concert. And is there anywhere you won't go to be on camera. Learn to say no.

Rose Bowl Majorettes: That wasn't marching in the Rose Bowl Parade, young ladies. That was shaking it as hard as you possibly could. It's not a club, it's a parade. You probably pulled a muscle trying to do that for five and a half miles.

Rosie O'Donnell: Shut the hell up.

Donald Trump: Shut the fuck up.

Madonna: You can't take him back even if you kept the receipt. And stop it with that fake accent. You're from Bay City, poser.

Oprah: It's not charity if you take a camera crew.

Kevin Federline: Just go quietly. It's pathetic really.

Paula Abdul: Do not fill the Coke glass with vodka. And don't take it so personally. You're no MC Skat Cat after all.

Harrison Ford: Let it go, you're not up for a 4th time as Indiana Jones. Just try to stay away from any movie with Josh Hartnett.

Kathy Griffin: I love you. Even your reality show. But Alka Seltzer commercials? Please say no just this one time.

Tom Cruise: See Donald Trump.

Vince Vaughan: Next time you hook up with a soho, tell her not to email the entire sorority. Discretion, baby, discretion.

Feel free to submit your own "instructions for others."

Just In Time

I finally found that perfect gift for my wife for Xmas. Yes, it's Buck the Animated, Signing Trophy Deer. And I would have posted a swell picture of it, but Blogger is being a pain in the arse right now.

Buck sings six different songs: Rawhide, Sweet Home Alabama, Friends in Low Places, Suspicious Minds, On the Road Again and La Grange. And he comes with a remote control and a microphone, so you can make Buck talk with your voice. Man, this is never going to get old after about 30 minutes.

Forget all that stuff I said about jewelry and romantic gifts. I'm sure she's going to love this.

Top 10 Little Known Facts About Rudolph

10. Used the Bumble to "resolve" a messy divorce with Clarisse
9. Changed name to R Diddy
8. Will not work with penguins
7. Loves to "divebomb" the Fortress of Solitude
6. Denies all rumors of friendship with Tom Cruise
5. Won't fly if it's just overcast
4. Bi-weekly antler waxings
3. Refers to Santa's sleigh as "Fatboy 1"
2. Now lives with long-time "friend" Hermey
1. Nose actually the result of cosmetic surgery

Ask Mr. Manners

As the only male who can dine properly (not belch, fart or scratch with the wrong fork while at table), my female friends often turn to me for etiquette advice. And I never receive more questions than about proper holiday etiquette.

So here are some of the recent letters I've been getting from my many, many readers and fans. As far as you know.

Dear Mr. Manners:

I recently held the door for another woman at the post office. Once inside, she got in line in front of me. I was aghast. What should I have done?

Signed,
Slighted in Santa Clara

First, roll your eyes. Unfortunately, because she's in front of you, she won't see that. Next, sigh deeply to indicate that you are displeased with her rude behavior. If she doesn't recognize her behavior as being improper in a civilized society, you may then wrestle her to the floor. If she tries to write a check at the post office, gunplay is both allowable and recommended by the staff.

Dear Mr. Manners:

Someone recently brought boxed wine to a party I was hostessing. What should I have done?

Signed,
Tippling in Topeka

You should have thanked them graciously for the sentiment. Then have your pet urinate in the glass of boxed wine you gave to the cheap bastard who brought ripple to your soiree. Yes, if you don't own a pet, it is perfectly acceptable to use your own urine.

Dear Mr. Manners:

I made purchased a lovely gift for a dear friend of mine. In return, I received a fruit cake. Now what?

Signed,
Fruity in Fort Wayne

Thank them graciously for the sentiment. Then place the fruitcake on the floor and use it as a doorstop for the next year. Give it back to your cheap deadbeat friend next year. Readers may be surprised to learn that there is actually only one fruitcake in the entire world. It has been re-gifted throughout the eons of time.

Dear Mr. Manners:

Another woman and I wore the same cocktail dress to a holiday party. I was so embarrassed by this coincidence, but didn't know what to do. What should I have done?

Signed,
Coutured in Coeur d'Alene

Spill red wine on the hussy.

Dear Mr. Manners:

I have so many festive holiday sweaters. Any advice on which one to wear to my next party?

Signed,
Festive in Fairbanks

By "festive" you mean garish or suitable for Elton John. Don't wear any holiday sweaters unless they really show off your rack.

Mr. Manners says to enjoy your holiday. Remember whether you're celebrating the birth of Sweet Baby Jebus, Ramadan, Kwaanza or Hannukah, there are millions of people who think you're wrong.

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Santa Claus

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Santa Claus (with apologies to Dave)

10. Called the cops complaining about loud parties next door at the Fortress of Solitude
9. As a result of global warming, now makes his rounds wearing only a red speedo
8. Briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor
7. Often mistaken for John Goodman
6. Was once shot in the face by Dick Cheney during a Christmas Eve "misunderstanding"
5. Stockings aren't the only thing that are "hung"
4. Thinks Regis Philbin's Christmas album sucks
3. 75% jolly, 25% malt liquor
2. Has a permanent case of Snowballs
1. Britney Spears isn't the only one who likes to go without underwear

An Xmas Poem

From the genius that is Paul Gilmartin comes the following.

You may remember him from Dinner and a Movie. He was the funny one, not the annoying one. Or you may know him from various and sundry appearances on the Bob & Tom Show and their various and sundry CD's.

And while he's legendary here in the Great Grey North for his poem, Tim the Diehard Packer fan, he's also holiday topical.

So enjoy a Christmas Poem by Paul Gilmartin.

Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow,

Buttered rum and mistletoe,

Trimming trees and hanging lights,

The sound of carolers fills the night.

Shopping hours long and hard,

Visa phones and cancels card,

Unpaid bills and mounting debt,

Family gathers, depression sets.

Drinking starts. Harsh words are said,

Dysfunction rears its yuletide head.

Argument turns to shovin',

Drunken brother punches cousin.

Tree tips over popping lights,

Curtains catch, house ignites.

No one hears the reindeer cries,

Wedged in chimney, Santa dies.

Though he kicked,

And did perspire,

His chestnuts roasted,

On an open fire.

Merry Xmas, kids. Hope you're getting to spend it with your famdamily.

Splish Splash, She Was Taking A Bath

Yesterday I read that people who go Christmas shopping are buying more stuff for themselves. That's because you're the best secret Santa for yourself. Nobody knows what you want more than you. Yes, that includes the spanking.

So in that vein, there's still time! Order it now. You can still get this in time for Xmas. Yup, Vibrating Soap. When you're too tired to move that soap all by yourself to work up a lather.

Their web site does a describes it as "your ticket to bath time bliss." It reminds me of the old Mr. Bubble slogan. Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty. I'm envisioning a commercial with a song from the Divinyls. Or maybe Cindy Lauper.

Now I'm not sure if this bathroom accessory is really as innovative, unique or ingenious as the manufacturer claims. Maybe I'll order one for the Wife for Xmas. Sure, some men would be intimidated by Vibrating Soap. I'm not. I'm just hoping it'll get the shower a little cleaner from all the suds.

Of course, you'll never have enough hot water.

Krappy Xmas Muzak

I've been tormenting a few of my closest friends for about 6 years now. Just about every Xmas, I make a holiday CD with the shittiest music I can find. Actually they're not all shitty. It's a combination of humor, crap and "so bad it's good" stuff. The trouble is that it's often impossible to tell which is supposed to be good and which is bad. Yup, they're that bad usually.

I can honestly say that I have more Christmas music than anyone I know. I keep them all in this crappy box (they don't deserve to be in a CD rack) and pull them out when I work on making the CD each year. I usually scour record stores and department stores after the holidays when all this crap is marked down too.

Anyway, this year I scored a couple of gems, Christmas on The Ponderosa and Christmas with the Brady Bunch. Pure crap although the Brady's didn't make the final cut on to the CD this year. It's always good to have something in reserve for next year.

Here's the final, finished, crappy CD (entitled "Still Crappy After All These Years"):

1. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town / Ray Charles
This one is actually good because I found that if I start people with too bad of a stinker, they can't make it through the rest of the album. Yes, they're that bad.

2. All I Want For Christmas Is You / Olivia Olson
This is from Love Actually and this girl really has some pipes.

3. Let's Put Christ Back In Christmas / Pat Godwin
Pat's a guitar comic who is very funny. This starts with "Frosty the Snowman was Jesus Christ's best friend." An instant classic.

4. Christmas Is All Around / Billy Mack
Also from Love Actually, Billy Mack is the character Bill Nighy plays as a washed up, has been rock and roller who comes back with a Christmas single in an attempt to revive his career. He steals the movie.

5. Another Rock 'n' Roll Christmas / Garry Glitter
This may be so subtle no one gets it (but then, often the jokes are just for me). Putting Garry Glitter right after Billy Mack is a not so funny reference to the washed up rocker (Garry not Billy) who was awaiting trial in Vietnam on charges of sleeping with girls below the age of consent. The ultimate penalty, if convicted, may be death by firing squad. Classy.

6. Deck The Halls / Dan Blocker
This one really sucks. Hoss is way off key and because he talks so slowly, he can't get all of the Fa La La La's out on most of the lines so it become Fa La La. Painful to experience in person.

7. The Christmas Story / Larry The Cable Guy
Just a funny monologue, but he actually refers to the Baby Bejeezus. I'm throwing folks a bone after having to endure Hoss's singing. Plus it's kind of a bumpkin juxtaposition going on.

8. Last Night (I Went Out With Santa Claus) / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Finally another good one, but it does talk about going out partying with Santa. So even the good ones are pretty inappropriate for holidays.

9. The Little Drummer Boy / Johnny Cash
The Man in Black actually did an entire Christmas album. This is an exceptionally bad track because he kind of talks his way through it and the drums are really lame. This may have been when he was on heroin. He sounds like Mr. Ed and is just a bit too slow in the whole song.

10. Christmas On TV / Chris Isaak
A good one again and seemingly an original composition as well. This is also foreshadowing of the major tv motif that is to come. Yes, another too subtle reference which no one but me will get.

11. The Chanukah Song / Adam Sandler
A funny one and not that new, but I needed a bridge to the whole Hebrew thing that is coming.

12. A Goyisha Hanukkah / Pat Godwin (more comedy to lessen the blow that is to come)
Another swell Pat song. This one features boyfriend and girlfriend experiencing cross cultural holidays with each others' families.

13. Santa Got Lost In Texas / Michael Landon [aka Little Joe]
No one will get this. Michael Landon was half Jewish. I don't remember which parent it was, but he was born Eugene Maurice Orowitz in Queens, New York. Most folks will just think this song is incredibly crappy--and they're right.

14. Linus And Lucy / Vince Guaraldi Trio
This is from the Charlie Brown Christmas special and you've probably heard it a million times. If you don't know it, hit Track 4.

15. The Christmas Blues / Dean Martin
The man can really sing and I've never heard this song before. I'd probably label it as a good one.

16. I've Had A Very Merry Christmas / Jerry Lewis
And this man really can't sing. This will make you appreciate how annoying Jerry was when doing his Nutty Professor shtick. This song will make you understand why Deano drank.

17. Santa Clothes / Dean & Jerry
This is actually Bob & Tom doing dead on impressions of the former comedy team. And it's funny one about Santa cross-dressing. I just like how I was able to work a Dean, a Jerry and a Dean & Jerry in together. Again, a joke just for me.

18. Mr. Heatmiser / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
We're into a tv motif here. Not the original from the special, "The Year Without a Santa Claus" but instead a great cover. BBVD rocks it.

19. You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch / Brian Setzer
Another great cover. I'm feeling sorry for folks here after subjecting them to Johnny Cash and Dan Blocker. Otherwise there's no way they get two good songs in a row.

20. Frosty The Snowman / Jimmy Durante
The original from the special. A real charmer which should bring back memories. A quick tangent, when my roomie in school grew a moustache, he looked exactly like the evil magician.

21. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town / Fred Astaire
Another original. It's still amazing to me that someone best known for his dancing is most well known to our generation as a claymation figure who sang.

22. The Evil Santa / Gilda Radner, Bill Murray
A sketch from when they were with the National Lampoon. Gilda plays a little girl who keeps asking Santa for toys and Bill just keeps saying no. Includes the famous phrase "Trap Door" when he dumps her off his lap.

23. Rockabilly Christmas / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Opens with "Santa's got his hair all piled high, swinging his sleigh right through the sky." And you can actually get the chorus stuck in your head. "Rock, rock, rockabilly Christmas." All we need are Jon and Vince for a little swing dancing.

24. Gather Round / Earth Wind & Fire (really bad)
There's something amazingly funny and jarring about EW&F doing a Christmas song. The bass and trumpets are especially odd. Funk and the holidays. Rock on.

25. Blue Christmas / Chris Isaak
A slightly off-kilter take on the Elvis classic. I probably should have put this next to Rockabilly Christmas, but it's even more jarring after Earth, Wind & Fire.

26. Christmas Commentary / Larry The Cable Guy
Larry eventually comes to the conclusion that if you don't participate in Christmas, you shouldn't be able to participate in the advantage of low Christmas prices. "Half off is only for believers of Jesus." Oh, and the Three Wise Men should be allowed to drink beer at the live nativity scenes.

Rock on, kids. If you've got worse ones than these, please let me know.

Flaking Out

I think this is why we invented the interweb.

You can get one too, kids. Play along at home.

Of course, this doesn't look anything like the snow we have here in Michigan. First, it's not stacked up higher than your house. Second, it's not grey.

Oh, Rudy You're So Fine

The best Xmas special in the entire world is on tonight (Friday) at 8 pm (check local listings) on CBS. Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is even older than me! And while I've written on this topic before, it bears repeating. And I'm too lame to come up with an entirely new set of questions but there is some new stuff.

Make sure to play along at home with your favorite beverage. When Rudolph's nose lights up, take a sip. Rudolph lights up and you're getting lit. You're going to hate seeing that damn Bumble again in the third act.

I've seen this show a kajillion times and can actually recite most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of anyone unfortunate enough to be watching it with me). So I have a deeper understanding and appreciation for the complex subplots and leitmotifs contained within the show. Don't let Rankin and Bass fool you, they're working on a whole other level here.

Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is actually a recognition of the unending struggle of man versus nature. There are, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?


• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?


• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern co-educational school system. Despite his superious flying skills, Rudolph is still ostracized by the other adolescent reindeer because of his infatuation with Clarisse. Note the prevalence of homo-erotic undertones throughout the reindeer games.


• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? It is entirely appropriate to yell at the tv, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius" throughout the entirety of the drama. Is Yukon's non-use of his gun an indictment of the War in Iraq?


• The elves' working condictions are representative of the outsourcing of labor outside of the United States. Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits? All the elf women are identical. Is this an early indictment of cloning and stem cell research?


• Clarisse's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?


• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?


• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?


• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontentinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities?


• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. Is King Moonracer really a characicture of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies?


• Rudoph's Mother and Clarisse are initially denied helping search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?


• The worst snowstorm ever is clearly an indictment of global warming. Are reindeer a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?


• Yukon Cornelius' quest for silver and/or gold represents man's exploitation and destruction of the environment. Does his failure in his search for depletable mineral resources represent man's losing battle with the environment or merely the resiliancy of the human spirit?

• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left and Hermey and Yukon were left in bed together?


• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Evidence of this is when he pulls the Bumble's teeth to allow for greater oral gratification? Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?


• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?

• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?

• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?
  

• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at societal injustice and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?

Have fun, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up because that makes the intellectual discussions even better.

Jamaica Me Crazy

Hello, kids! Did I miss anything? Yes, I'm finally back and it's been a shock to the system.

I went from this:

To this:

Had to put the car there for a bit of perspective. That's the snow they plowed in the parking lot by our Shaque D'amour.

Ah, it's good to get away, but it's hell to get back. Trust ya'll had a happy Turkey Day.

And my life will never be a reality show. No one would ever believe it was real and networks don't allow that kind of language on tv. I'm hoping instead to be the wacky neighbor who lives next door and walks in for three minutes of zaniness. Because that's about all most people can take.

A true story from my past:

At a wedding, the bride was chatting with my (then) live in girlfriend and I. She said, "You must just love living with T2ed. He's so funny. I'll bet you just laugh and laugh all the time."

Without missing a beat, my girlfriend replied, "Oh, you'd be surprised."

Hmmm, wonder why that relationship didn't work out?

That's okay, now I'm with my true sweetie. Love is when you finally meet that one, single soulmate who you want to drive crazy the rest of your life.

By the way, who had "3 months" in the Kid Rock & Pam Anderson pool? Boy if those two kids couldn't make it work, what chance do any of us have?

Happy Pranksgiving

Man, I couldn't believe what a pain it was to get a flight out of Rome to Columbus for the Big Game. You'd think a Toledo girl would have more sense than to schedule a wedding for the UM-OSU game. It's every year for crying out loud. Luckily, she liked the monogrammed anal beads with Tom's picture on them and plans on using them with him right away. Hey, I figured that's where his head has been for about the last year anyway. Hopefully when he says "pull" she'll yank like she's starting a lawnmower and that'll be the last we hear from him for a while.

And that kid? Ugh, his height and her talent. Make sure you invest some of your parents' money, Suri.

Well I'm off on my annual soujourn to the sun. Normally, I'd wait till later in the week to post this, but I'm outta here after today and won't be back till December.

Anyway on to our real topic of the day--Thanksgiving Pranks. Here are a couple of classics:

1) Answer the door with the turkey neck hanging out of your fly. Act as if nothing is amiss.

2) Put a Cornish Game Hen inside of your turkey. Upon carving the turkey loudly declare, "Wow, this bird must have been pregnant." This may upset the pro-lifers in attendance so much that they won't have any turkey at all. More for you! If you want to pull a double freak out, put an egg inside the hen as well.

3) When everyone around the table gives thanks, make sure your contribution is "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." Refuse to elaborate.

Later kids. I'll be having some Jerk Turkey with the locals and crashing at this joint. Hope it snows like hell back here in Michigan.

Yup, I'm trading tv, phones and 'puters for snorkeling, Red Stripe and jerk chicken. Doesn't sound like an even swap to me. Enjoy the turkey pot pie and Wild Turkey.

Big Game

If you've been conscious the past three weeks, you may have heard abou the BIG GAME which is happening today. Yup, it's finally here. And if you don't watch the game (including all the pre-game hype) you may actually die.

Now the event has a bit of a shadow over it because of the passing of the former coach. Luckily, our Detroit paper only has two 8 page inserts all about Bo. Even the band formed to hate him, the Dead Schembechlers, has disbanded.

Now I was talking to the head of the local OSU alumni club and he said, "I want to see a body."

Yup, you've got the admire a former coach who'd actually kill himself right before the big game just to fire up the troops. That's dedication.

Too soon? Bullshit. The Arrogant Asses from Ann Arbor would do anything to beat OSU for a change.

Personally, I'm hoping for a 0-0 tie, a bus crash involving both teams and a BCS game for Boise State and Rutgers. If that won't finally get us a football playoff, nothing will.

Holdin' On

There is nothing more magnificent in this great big universe than the choice of hold music your doctor selects.

Currently, I am rocking to the musical stylings of both Hall and Oates. Despite their insistance, however, his kiss is not on my lips. Please check out that link because you'll get to hear the really annoying Christmas album they're pimping.

Is it just me, or does Oates look like Borat in that swell pix over there? All he needs is a grey suit.

High five! Sexy time!

My guess is that if the hold music is so heinous, you won't actually hold on. You're more likely to kill yourself. And that frees up appointments for the rest of us.

Goofy is as Goofy Does

Leave it to the French to take something nice and wholesome and taint it. That's why we love them. At EuroDisney, there was a secret video showing some of the character actors acting up. And by "acting up," I mean simulating sex acts.

Here it is, I'll wait for you. I'd embed it, but it's not possible by the guy (or is that pronounced "Gee") who uploaded it.

I'll never be able to look Minnie in the eye again.

Which reminds me of a very old joke:

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The Judge looked over his glasses and said, "Mr. Mouse, I'm afraid that mental illness is not grounds for divorce in the State of Florida."

Mickey replied, "No, your Honor. I don't mean she's crazy, she's fucking Goofy!"

Gawrsh indeed.

On a Long Lonesome Highway, East of Saginaw

For anyone who is interested, yes, Mr. Seger did rock very hard. Here's the set list:

• Roll Me Away
• Tryin' to Live My Life Without You
• Wreck This Heart
• Mainstreet
• Old Time Rock & Roll
• Wait for Me
• Face the Promise
• No More
• Simplicity
• Betty Lou's Getting Out Tonight
• We've Got Tonight
• Turn the page
• Travelin' Man
• Beautiful Loser
• Ramblin' Gamblin' Man
• C'est La Vie
• Answer's In the Question
• Sightseeing
• Sunspot Baby
• Horizontal Bop
• Katmandu

Encore #1

• Night Moves
• Hollywood Nights

Encore #2

• Against the Wind
• Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Yes, we more than got our money's worth. And when he finished Katmandu, Bob said, "Goodnight everybody" exactly like on the Live Bullet album.


My favorite was when the women sitting behind us kept shrieking in a tone reminiscent of nails on a blackboard "Bob Seeeeeeeger" even before the warm up band came out. Luckily, one of the smart asses with us began yelling "Bob Saget" which shut them up for a while.


I had forgotten my rare ability to be seated adjacent to the biggest assholes in the entire show. I also liked when someone physically touched our group and said, "Get up, guys." Yeah, because I just can't enjoy a good show until the people in front of me stand up. Yes, I knew the length of the show and was pacing myself, Sgt. Hulka. I waited until Old Time Rock and Roll to get up and rock. Luckily the alcohol soon took effect and they tuckered themselves out and settled in for a nice nap. And no one hurled around us.


Wife and I did not dance the Bear Hug during We've Got Tonight. It would have been just like high school because they played that song at every stinking dance I ever attended.


Everyone did know all the words to all the songs. That was also the oldest crowd I've ever seen at any music concert anywhere. Bob still can't dance, but he can punch with the best of them. Alto Reed still moves and wails on the sax.


And to the hardest rockin' Gramma in the greater mid-west who danced the entire show even the times she was sitting in her seat and her husband was dozing next to her, you rock, Meemaw.

ESPNWHO?

I'd just like to take a moment to thank the fine folks at ESPNWHO for giving me my Saturday afternoons back.

If you haven't heard of ESPNWHO, it's by the same folks who brought you Mobile ESPN. You know, the defunct cell phone service that lasted less than a year. ESPNWHO is in an estimated 8 millions homes. Luckily, I'm not one of them.

So I can quit suffering the losses of my alma mater. I didn't want to watch Senior Day on television and see the poor kids who suffered through another disappointing season in which their coach got fired.

You know the same big, tough kids who still managed to tear up when talking about their departed coach.

You know the same kids who staged the biggest comeback in NCAA Division 1 football history.

You know the kids who need to win their last two games to go to some lame pre-New Year's bowl game like the Motor City Bowl.

And a winter bus ride to downtown Detroit would be a real reward for some kids who have never been in a bowl game during their collegiate career because the program is in such disarray.

So thank you ESPNWHO. I'm getting some laundry done while listening to the golden tones of George Blaha. He's the only announcer who lets you know your favorite team is moving left to right across your radio dial. And yes, they're already losing and the starting quarterback was hit so hard it broke his helmet and he's been knocked loopy with a concussion and is out of the game. What a way to end your career. Somehow, that's perfectly fitting for this season.

So that's a lot of stress in my life I don't need.

But I'm not sure if I should be concerned that the cheerleaders new cheer is:

There's no rhyme

There's no reason

We can't wait

For basketball season.

Hope your teams are doing better this weekend my fellow alums.

Old Time Rock & Roll

Normally living in the hinterland doesn't lend itself to great concerts. Unless it's at the nearby clip joint (which tends to skew more toward the country crowd), it's at least a two hour drive to Detroit.

Luckily, Bob Seger is a local boy and giving a bit back to the farmers and musically deprived by playing in Saginaw tonight. The arena only holds about 7,000 so it's going to be an intimate evening with the man from K-k-k-k-k-k-katmandu. Yup, we're lucky enough ducks to score the second show on the tour.

And reviews from the debut in Grand Rapids say Bob is the hardest rocking 61 year old in the Midwest. Bob plays for more than 2 hours with multiple encores. Too bad the concert isn't sponsored by Chevy as payback for his long running Like a Rock song. Luckily it is sponsored by the Amigo.

And if you haven't scored his latest album, Face the Promise, it rocks. Providing you still like rock and roll that is. It's nice that someone still plays rock and roll.

I've always liked his faster stuff than the slow stuff. I'll confess to never really liking Turn the Page that much, but absolutely love Katmandu, Old Time Rock and Roll, Sunspot Baby, Hollywood Nights and too many to list here. Let's hope he plays a lot of the fast stuff.

And I've got to hit an inconvenience store (all the stuff is on really high shelves) and score a lighter for the encore. No holding up a cell phone for this boy. We're rocking old school tonight.

Rock and roll ,my brothers and sisters. Now put down that candlestick holder and quit dancing in your underwear just because your parents are out of town.

My Haiku

I'm not sure I've got the power or prosaic skills to keep this up or I'd have called it Weekly Haiku.

But after a recent visit to Tar-jay, I couldn't take it anymore.

After Hallowe'en

Trees and lights are on display

God damn retailers.

I am emotionally unprepared for the Yule season. But seeing snowflake decorations while you're still raking the damn leaves should be against the law. Maybe the Dems can take care of this now that they're in charge.

Just wait till they start ringing those fucking bells! Bah, humbug. And it's only November 9th.

There's also going to be a new Shrek Xmas special. I don't know how good it will be, but maybe it'll give Rudolph and A Christmas Story a run for their money.

Fed X

You've probably been basking in the sweet, lazy afterglow of the election. Slowly sliding your ballot into the slot. Achingly poked that little pin through the holes in the ballot while your hands shook with the joy of executing your civic contract with America. And if that's not an analogy for what's going to happen to the electorate, I don't know what is.

We should hold the General Election on April 16th. I'm certain we'd see a lot more creative fiscal policies if everyone who just had to write a check was punching ballots the next day.

But you may have missed the most important news of the day: Britney and Kevin Federline are no more. Yes, our generation's Eddie Fisher has been given his walking papers. Miss Brit filed for divorce yesterday.

Boy if those two kids can't make it work, what chance do any of us have? Who had less than two years in the pool? Maybe she finally heard his album. Po po zow? Po-po-thetic. But I doubt she decided to do this just because of the petition.

Election Eve

It's Election Eve in America and I'll really miss the campaign commercials. Now I'm a traditionalist, so we only are allowed to vote one time today and then we'll vote a whole bunch of times tomorrow. I'm sure the local tv outlets love this time of the year because it's got to be really easy to peddle the time.

In Michigan we're facing tons of crap with 5 proposals on the ballot including one about bird hunting. Seriously, we've got that whole automotive economic thing whipped, but we're struggling with what birds we should kill. I'm not making this up. Proposal 3 is "A Referendum on Dove Hunting."

One of the commercials claims there is a powerful lobby from California forcing one of the proposals on us. I can't remember which one because I leap for the fast forward button whenever this comes on. Yes, it's some cabal of high-powered entertainment types in California whose cunning plan is to get some legislation passed in Michigan in their quest to conquer the world.

One of the geniuses I know thinks the best way to run for office is to make something up, then come out against it, then accuse your opponent of not being against it. Your campaign platform could be to outlaw monkeys attacking babies. Your opponent will rightly point out that there have, in fact, been no monkey-baby attacks in the state of Michigan. Then you then accuse him of being in the pocket of the powerful monkey lobby. It's a sure fire winning strategy.

Get out there and vote tomorrow, kids. If you don't vote, you can't complain. And we all know how much fun it is to complain about the government full time. Remember the immortal words of Joe Walsh: A vote for me, is a vote for me. Make sure your dead relative vote too.

What's the Title of that Song?

For some reason, I did this about 3 months ago and then never posted it. Man I hate when that old war wound flares up. I remember the battle of Chun King like it was yesterday. Where's my parade?

Anyway, enjoy the moldy old while I try to get my hands around Blogger Beta.

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With Lance Bass coming out, boy bands (and jokes thereof) have been on my mind.

Q) What's Lance Bass's new band?
A) In Steve

Q) Did you hear Lance Bass, Elton John, Boy George and George Michael have a new boy band? A) The Backdoor Boys.

Q) What will Elton John's nom de rap be?
A) Notorious F.A.G.

But the quartet Da Vinci's Notebook took it one better a few years ago. Here are the lyrics to Title of the Song:

Declaration of my feelings for you
Elaboration on those feelings
Description of how long these feelings have existed
Belief that no one else could feel the same as I

Reminiscence on the pleasant times we shared
And our relationship's perfection oh oh
Recounting of the steps that led to our love's dissolution
Mostly involving my unfaithfulness and lies

Penitent admission of wrongdoing
Discovery of the depth of my affection
Regret over the lateness
Of my epiphany

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of
The Title of the Song

Enumeration of my various transgressive actions
Of insufficient motivation
Realization that these actions led to your departure
And my resultant lack of sleep and appetite

Renunciation of my past insensitive behavior
Promise of my reformation uh huh
Reassurance that you still are foremost in my thoughts now
Need for instructions how to gain your trust again

Request for reconciliation
Listing of the numerous tasks that I'd perform
Of physical and
Emotional compensation

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of
The Title of the Song

Acknowledgement that I acted foolishly
Increasingly desperate pleas for your return
Sorrow for my infidelity
The vain hope that my sins are forgivable

Appeal for one more opportunity
Drop to my knees to elicit a crowd response
Praise to my chosen deity
Modulation and I hold a high noooooote

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs

Repetition of the
Title of the Song
Title of the Song
Title of the Song

Bye Bye John L

Wanted: Division 1A Coach with prior experience who will not squander 17 point leads to Notre Dame. History-making comebacks not required. Alumnae preference is for coach who will not spot teams 38 points. Conference USA coaches need not apply. Must be comfortable with being second banana to basketball coach.

Send salary requirement and offensive schemes to bigron34@msu.edu.

Your Dog Hates You

Halloween is full upon us. Costumes are out at all the inconvenience stores (everything is up on a really high shelf just out of reach), pumpkins are at gas stations, candy is on sale for the oncoming urchin horde. Kids, don't take candy from strangers. Unless you're in a costume, then it's okay.

But if you're thinking about doing this to your dog, you need to be smacked.

Your dog doesn't want to dress up like Princess Leia and all the other dogs are going to make fun of him. Even if it is the only day your dog can dress like a whore and get away with it.

I don't care how cute you think it is, it's just wrong. He won't even be able to look the other dogs in the eye as they sniff his butt. And no one wants a dog with low self esteem.

Searching in All the Wrong Places

Someone I know has renounced the seduction that is Site Meter. I, however, have an addiction that needs no cure. If loving Site Meter is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Without SiteMeter, how would I know that I'm first in this, the best search ever?

Carey Lowell's hair

Now, I don't know who is looking for this type of very important interweb information. But that some poor bastard was looking for info on Carey Lowell's hair and instead found my stupid post makes me very, very happy.

No, he didn't leave a comment. Sniff. But I know it was Richard Gere.

Unfortunately, I'm way down the list in this search:

how to fondle breasts

At least I've got something to work for. But if you're using the interweb to figure out how to fondle breasts, you've probably got some learning to do. Try kissing a girl first, Trekkie.

And no, all my posts aren't about boobies. It just seems that way sometimes.