Ask Mr. Manners

As the only male who can dine properly (not belch, fart or scratch with the wrong fork while at table), my female friends often turn to me for etiquette advice. And I never receive more questions than about proper holiday etiquette.

So here are some of the recent letters I've been getting from my many, many readers and fans. As far as you know.

Dear Mr. Manners:

I recently held the door for another woman at the post office. Once inside, she got in line in front of me. I was aghast. What should I have done?

Signed,
Slighted in Santa Clara

First, roll your eyes. Unfortunately, because she's in front of you, she won't see that. Next, sigh deeply to indicate that you are displeased with her rude behavior. If she doesn't recognize her behavior as being improper in a civilized society, you may then wrestle her to the floor. If she tries to write a check at the post office, gunplay is both allowable and recommended by the staff.

Dear Mr. Manners:

Someone recently brought boxed wine to a party I was hostessing. What should I have done?

Signed,
Tippling in Topeka

You should have thanked them graciously for the sentiment. Then have your pet urinate in the glass of boxed wine you gave to the cheap bastard who brought ripple to your soiree. Yes, if you don't own a pet, it is perfectly acceptable to use your own urine.

Dear Mr. Manners:

I made purchased a lovely gift for a dear friend of mine. In return, I received a fruit cake. Now what?

Signed,
Fruity in Fort Wayne

Thank them graciously for the sentiment. Then place the fruitcake on the floor and use it as a doorstop for the next year. Give it back to your cheap deadbeat friend next year. Readers may be surprised to learn that there is actually only one fruitcake in the entire world. It has been re-gifted throughout the eons of time.

Dear Mr. Manners:

Another woman and I wore the same cocktail dress to a holiday party. I was so embarrassed by this coincidence, but didn't know what to do. What should I have done?

Signed,
Coutured in Coeur d'Alene

Spill red wine on the hussy.

Dear Mr. Manners:

I have so many festive holiday sweaters. Any advice on which one to wear to my next party?

Signed,
Festive in Fairbanks

By "festive" you mean garish or suitable for Elton John. Don't wear any holiday sweaters unless they really show off your rack.

Mr. Manners says to enjoy your holiday. Remember whether you're celebrating the birth of Sweet Baby Jebus, Ramadan, Kwaanza or Hannukah, there are millions of people who think you're wrong.