If I Could Talk to the Animals

Still basking in the afterglow of Diego. So nice, so warm, so beachy. I may just have to turn on the sprinklers and enjoy the spray of secondary use water on my face to recall strolling along the beach.

And for the oddly curious, no, we didn't not purchase any travel insurance or even any travel insurance online. We have in the past but didn't this time as it was just a short trip. But then you're talking about people who got married in Jamaica during hurricane season. So we're the type of peeps who like to live on the edge.

Pix are up btw. Loading took a seriously long time. Still not organized well, but they're all there in one shape or another. I need to pull some highlights methinks.

If anyone knows of a better pix service, let me know. I've maxed out Flickr and am too lame to pay for more storage. That's why junk is up at My Picturetown which I'd never even heard of before the Wife scored the new Nikon. Which is supposed to be hers, but I have to take all the pix and do all the uploading and learn how to use. Just in case anyone ever wondered who the brains of the operations was.

Like The Man In the Pink Pants:

Sure that name isn't real creative, but what do you see?

Yes, there's a lot going on there. And that's right from the balcony. It's kind of cool to be able to just sit on the patio and watch the show stroll buy. It was like my own little version of Mulberry Street.

Don't miss out on the purse/carryall and the shades. And the apparently completly random standing in the street. Just waiting. For something. Which never came.

And Our "Pantsy:"

We're not sure why he didn't roll up those pants. Too cool? Can't be bothered? Too time consuming?

And it's probably not too surprising that both of these individuals were suspiciously elsewhere when the cops showed.

There was also a crazy lady who would periodically get into an argument with her shoe. Seriously, she'd take it off, set it on the sidewalk and start yelling at it. But I thought pix of that was just a bit too much even for me.

Just in case you think I only took pix of scary stuff in SD, here's a lil bon motte for you.

But who needs a Panda when you've got the same shot in your backyard anytime you want it?

Which one looks more mischevious though?

And don't worry, someone's probably cranky about having to pick up that Panda poo as well. It's not all sunshine and rainbows at the Zoo. They won't let you pet the lioness not matter how nicely you ask.

And that Panda poo is quite a load. Don't just take my word for it.

Beach Bound

Well, we're back. A week in Paradise. Those poor people. No, I'm not talking about having to endure the Padres. It's that same, boring, terrible, perfect weather every day. 72 and sunny. How does the weatherman keep from blowing his brains out?

Hit the major highlights: Zoo, Wilderness Park, da beaches, nice restaurants. And what a treat just to be able to walk to good stuff instead of having to drive all over the Valley when you want to go somewhere. Pix will follow in some type of organization. They're still uploading as we speak, type, or whatever.

That's not to say there wasn't any excitement on the excursion. We did get to see a real live, beach-type bust.

These two gentlemen pulled up one afternoon while we taking a bit of a beverage break on our veranda.

Then they proceeded around the corner where we couldn't see them anymore. Rather than actually get up to see what might be going on, it was much more fun to guess what might be the reason the cops were on patrol: purse snatching, armed robbery, dope distribution, unleashed dog, failure to recycle, undertipping, smoking in public, lop-sided implant exposure, placebo ephedra pills distribution, or wave encroachment. You know the usual crime sprees in California.

But it turned out to be much, much worse.

Yup, operation of a motorized vehicle on the beach walkway. Scofflaw! The SDPD always gets their man.

Even when they've got to pursue his minibike on foot.

Way to go, men. Keeping the streets, er, boardwalks safe for old people everywhere.

Kiss Me Kate

Man, these guys rock. They're the Silver Brazilians and I've got to thank Little Steven for introducing me.




Too bad that Kate will never appear on this blog now. Because we were so close until now.

Enjoy the weekend, kids. I'm headed out. See ya in a week or so. You're on your own for boobie jokes and boring dog stories till then.

Viva Las Vegas

Let's get one thing out of the way at the start. Curse you Viagra. Thanks for taking the only song Elvis ever wrote and turning it into an erectile dysfunction commercial. Eff you, strong letter to follow. Now I can't ever hear Viva Las Vegas without immediately getting a mental image of your hipster doofus band jam of fallow tallywackers sitting around singing about their junk. And how it doesn't work without a pill. Ah, spontaneous romance through better chemistry.



And while I greatly appreciate [F]oxymoron's comment that live blogging whilst gambling would make for great reading,


that would simply have taken more industry, technology and sobriety of which I was able.

Instead, I present to you inane and insightful (sometimes both at the same time) ramblings scribbled upon cocktail napkins, betting slips and those cards for the women they try to force on you as you roam The Strip.

-- I'm playing a little game I call Douchebag and Hoor. See if you can find this couple in your town!

-- The Imperial Palace is really showing it's age. And that's just the cocktail waitresses! Hiyo. I'm here all week. No wait, just for another two days.

-- $6 for a bottle of Miller Lite!? Steve Wynn can lick my taint. If I have to pay minibar prices at the main bar, I'm going to drink in my underwear just like if I was in my overpriced Encore room.

-- If you're a celebrity impersonator and you actually have to wear a name tag telling people which celebrity you're supposed to be, you might want to work on your card dealing skills.

-- 4 Sixes! WooT!

-- There is no way the Utah Spazz stay within 12 points of the Lakers.

-- Why does Mac King have Monday off? Now I have to drink and keep gambling. Damn.

-- The Star Trek slot machine did not boldly go where no man had gone before. It did, however, beam up $20 much too quickly.

-- A scroungy looking guy came up to me and asked for money for a bus ticket. I asked how I could know he wouldn't just take $20 and go gamble with it. His answer? "Oh, I got gambling money."

-- Drinking your way down the strip is a good way to lose weight.

-- Lakers 113, Spazz 100. Thank you for the $, Kobe.

-- I just bought the Wife a monkey. He looks housebroken.

-- $10 to look at Ferrari parts? No wonder, Wynn is loaded. Good money if you can make it I guess.

-- Why is the stupid horse racing game only at the MGM grand? Even more depressing, I'm good at it.

-- I'm a sucker for long shots? 200 to 1? I'm in for a buck.

-- Nine a.m. is not too early for a hot dog. A real Vienna hot dog at that.

-- Damn. I'm going to miss Brittney's concert. Well, I'm not really going to miss it.

-- Three shrimp is really not enough for an appetizer, Emeril. Is it bad form to order 4 of these at a time?

-- I used to T.A. a stat class for God's sakes. Why can't I win any money at craps today?

-- It's really sad that all the money I won was playing the Star Wars penny slot machine. Even more depressing is that the Japanese tour group had gathered around to watch me destroy the Death Star. Yes, the Force is strong with this one.

-- $300 bucks in pennies would be pretty funny to carry around. In a wheelbarrow up and down the Strip.

-- The Tequila Goddess should really be able to summon tequila from her nipples. Just saying.

-- If there's anything funnier than sneaking into the midst of a Japanese tourist group and doing your Godzilla impression, I don't know what it is. Why don't they stampede like in the movies?

-- Is this pool warm from the oppressive sun or the swim up black jack table?

-- I'm up at 4:00 am because I woke up. Those people at the bar are up at 4:00 am because they're still up.

-- There's a guy asleep in the hall in front of the door next to mine. And he's wearing a sports coat. Stay classy, Vegas!

-- This drive home is a lot longer than the drive down. Luckily thinking about all this bootleg liquor bought in Nevada and avoiding the oppressive Utah tax code makes it a happy drive.



That's it, kids. I'm out of cocktail napkins. Happy Earth Day!

Ramblin' Gamblin' Man

It's Vegas, baby. Yes, my crazy cousin and I are meeting up in Sin City for a few days.

To make sure we can stand each other, he's taking golf lessons while I'm lounging at the pool.

And hopefully not the swim up black jack tables. Watch those guys playing some time. Notice how they never take a break. Ewww. Guess that explains why the water is so warm.

I'll probably just take all my money and put in on the Lions to win the Super Bowl. That's sure to be some long odds. Which also aren't long enough no matter how high they are.

The key to gambling in Vegas is to take Lewis Black's advice. Get a roll of quarters and go up to your hotel room. Open the quarters and start flushing them one at a time down your toilet. When it finally backs up, you're a winner.

Personally, I like to either imitate Vegas Vic's arm motion while yelling "Lose your money here" immediately upon entering a casino. That or yell "Listen to all those winners." But since they've replaced the coins with slips of paper, casinos don't have the same auditory ambiance that they used to.

Now pity me the 5 hour drive across the Utah desert. At least we're done with the snow for now. But I'm still taking my scraper.

Later, kids.

Vacation All I Ever Wanted

Sorry, folks. Blog's closed. Moose out front should have told you.

Yes, Wife and I are even now winging our way southward to a land of mystery, ancient ruins and boat drinks. Not in that order of course.

In the meantime, you can review some of my silly shit greatest hits in the archives over there.

Don't worry, intertube friends. I'll be back in a week and writing about boobies and bacon and other nonsense before you know it.

Later ya'll.

Fly Like An Eagle

If you haven't heard about it, some peeps who play the characters at Didneyland got arrested. They were protesting something or other. I don't really care what, but the pix they took as they were arresting the characters are the funniest things ever.

If you don't think a picture of a handcuffed Peter Pan being put into a squad car is hilar, you might want to find a tall, tall building.

And you'd better hope you have some Pixie Dust.

Sure hope Tink can bust him out of the joint.

Dazed and Confused

Reason # 328 to Love Utah

It's a state holiday today. Suck it, non-Utah monkeys!

Yes, this is the day approximately 161 years ago that Brigham Young came into Utah and said, "This is the place." They even have a monument.

In honor of the state's founding, we have no worky, a parade, a candy pull and leftover fireworks from July 4th. No word on whether we also get mattress sales. And we get two days of concerts from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with the Entire Osmond Family. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves. Where do the stereotypes about this state come from? I know I've got a serious case of Puppy Love for this state. Well, for Guinness the Wonder Dog anyway.

Now while the whole This is the Place makes for good marketing copy, I'm a little skeptical. The pioneer trek was over 1300 miles. Do you really think at the end someone said, "This is the Place." I'm guessing it was a little more along the lines of.....

"You kids shut up back there. No, we're not there yet. Quit touching him then. No, we're not stopping for you to pee again. I am not either lost. No, I'm not stopping to ask for directions. NO! We're not getting a pecan log. Ugh, put your shoes back on. Quit almost touching him then. How 'bout we play The Quiet Game? No, I'm not lost! So help me if you kids don't knock it off, I'm turning this whole wagon train around. That's it. Trip's over. Now. Get out. We're done. Here. We're stopping."

At least that's how I remember a lot of our family vacations ending.

Ecuador Is Lovely This Time of Year

Ecuador is working on a new constitution. I think the old one got misplaced. Don’t you hate when that happens?

Anyhoo, in an effort to increase tourism (and get her name in a lot of snarky blog posts), Maria Soledad Vela had a swell idea: making the pursuit of sexual happiness a constitutional right for women.

Now that’s a pretty adventurous idea when you think about all those great Ecuadorean (Ecuadillos?) Women’s Rights Advocates. Let see there’s…ummm, yeah, I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Ecuador as you may know is named after Ponce de Ecuador who had the idea to paint lines on the ground so men wouldn’t ever have to ask for directions.

I’d really like to help our with the Ecuadillyumptious Constitution. So here’s what I came up with:

We the pimps, in order to form a most freaky union, establish free love, insure domestic bliss, provide for the common hook up, promote the general happitude of our Womensfolk, and secure the blessing of multiple pleasurings and our weekends, do ordain and establish this Women’s Right to the Big O. And we’re not talking about Oscar Robertson if you know what I mean.

I can just see the “Life, Liberty and Booty” shirts being sold at the constitutional convention now.
And I’d like to officially sign up for the Ecauadoreangrey Guarranteed Assistance Sexual Minstry (EGASM). EGASM is going to do great things for that country. Or at the very least put it in a good mood for a couple of hours. I know how much happier I am after I get a visit from EGASM. In fact, EGASM is one of the main reasons people stay happily married. Without a visit from EGASM, you’re probably not doing it right. And if you’re not going to do it right, she’ll soon take matters into her own hands.

Critics of Ms. Vela’s bold idea for constitutional direction are quick to say she’s decreeing orgasm by law. And what’s wrong with an orgasm law? Personally, I like (really like actually) the thought of our legislators passing laws like this instead of thinking up other ways to screw us. When orgasms are required by law, only outlaws will have unhappy women. Or something like that. Seriously, if women are required to be sexually fulfilled, there’s a lot of guys going to be getting the chair.

Now I’ve got to hop on Expedia and book the Wife and I a trip to Quito.

Vacation All I Ever Wanted

The Summer just seemed to go so quickly here in the Great Grey North.

I'd really like to hit Walt Disney World and see all my wee little friends. Maybe an Orlando rental home this time instead of a Disney Hotel.

I'll never forget sitting by the pool when a wee tot playing in the water cried to his Dad, "I've got to go potty." Dad replied that he'd be right there. Less than 30 seconds later as Dad was headed his way, the water tot loudly declared, "Nevermind." Yup, the end of the pool day for us.

All the Pirate Preparations have me pining for going on a certain ride about 15 times in a row. It's especially fun during the parade when no one is around and you can make out in the back row. I always notice something new whenever I go. Like how my seat is wet, Cap'n Jack.

Jamaica Me Crazy

Hello, kids! Did I miss anything? Yes, I'm finally back and it's been a shock to the system.

I went from this:

To this:

Had to put the car there for a bit of perspective. That's the snow they plowed in the parking lot by our Shaque D'amour.

Ah, it's good to get away, but it's hell to get back. Trust ya'll had a happy Turkey Day.

And my life will never be a reality show. No one would ever believe it was real and networks don't allow that kind of language on tv. I'm hoping instead to be the wacky neighbor who lives next door and walks in for three minutes of zaniness. Because that's about all most people can take.

A true story from my past:

At a wedding, the bride was chatting with my (then) live in girlfriend and I. She said, "You must just love living with T2ed. He's so funny. I'll bet you just laugh and laugh all the time."

Without missing a beat, my girlfriend replied, "Oh, you'd be surprised."

Hmmm, wonder why that relationship didn't work out?

That's okay, now I'm with my true sweetie. Love is when you finally meet that one, single soulmate who you want to drive crazy the rest of your life.

By the way, who had "3 months" in the Kid Rock & Pam Anderson pool? Boy if those two kids couldn't make it work, what chance do any of us have?

Happy Pranksgiving

Man, I couldn't believe what a pain it was to get a flight out of Rome to Columbus for the Big Game. You'd think a Toledo girl would have more sense than to schedule a wedding for the UM-OSU game. It's every year for crying out loud. Luckily, she liked the monogrammed anal beads with Tom's picture on them and plans on using them with him right away. Hey, I figured that's where his head has been for about the last year anyway. Hopefully when he says "pull" she'll yank like she's starting a lawnmower and that'll be the last we hear from him for a while.

And that kid? Ugh, his height and her talent. Make sure you invest some of your parents' money, Suri.

Well I'm off on my annual soujourn to the sun. Normally, I'd wait till later in the week to post this, but I'm outta here after today and won't be back till December.

Anyway on to our real topic of the day--Thanksgiving Pranks. Here are a couple of classics:

1) Answer the door with the turkey neck hanging out of your fly. Act as if nothing is amiss.

2) Put a Cornish Game Hen inside of your turkey. Upon carving the turkey loudly declare, "Wow, this bird must have been pregnant." This may upset the pro-lifers in attendance so much that they won't have any turkey at all. More for you! If you want to pull a double freak out, put an egg inside the hen as well.

3) When everyone around the table gives thanks, make sure your contribution is "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." Refuse to elaborate.

Later kids. I'll be having some Jerk Turkey with the locals and crashing at this joint. Hope it snows like hell back here in Michigan.

Yup, I'm trading tv, phones and 'puters for snorkeling, Red Stripe and jerk chicken. Doesn't sound like an even swap to me. Enjoy the turkey pot pie and Wild Turkey.