Lost on Appeal

A 24 year old woman in Norway has lost her appeal that she did not rape a man while he was asleep.

In a courtroom that was surely packed with gigglers, the man asserted that while he was asleep, the woman had performed oral sex on him without his consent. I thought it was impossible to not consent to oral sex when you're asleep. I mean that bad boy has a mind of it's own even when we men are awake. Asleep, forget about it.

And I think we all owe this man a round of applause because he obviously possesses willpower far beyond that of normal men. "Hey, hey, what's going on here? Cut that out. Stop it! I am an unwilling victim a forcible blow job. I asked you to stop that, Miss. That's it, I won't lay still for this any longer."

While there has been no decision on the length of the woman's sentence (I'll skip the obvious joke about 6 inches here), she has been offered an internship with Bill Clinton.

Thanks and goodnight, ladies and germs. Blogger audiences are the greatest audiences in the world. Remember to tip you bartenders and waitstaff. You're beautiful.

Shocked to Find Gambling in Casablanca

In the most obvious headline ever: Students Busted for Having Sex While on Field Trip.

Why? Because they can. Duh. Man, I wish I'd have thought of that in high school. Who knew you could get laid by joining the Naval ROTC?

Quote of the story: “Sex during a field trip?” says SWHS student David Ramirez. “It’s real shocking."

Yup, unsupervised high school students wanting to have sex. No mere mortal could have seen that one coming.

In their defense, because they're in the Naval ROTC, they were seamen. If I ran the military, they'd all get medals. Maybe the Blue Ball of Honor?

Okay, I'll stop it now.

Enlightened Discourse & TO

Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post writes a very enlightened and analytical article about Terrell Owens.

She claims that he's a narcissist because he can't even apologize to others without talking about himself. Someone who writes for the Harvard Business Review argues that TO can't be considered a great player because he can't get along with other and poisons team chemistry. At best, TO is technically proficient at his job of catching footballs.

Me, I'm content to short cut the analysis with the simple answer that TO is an assbag.

Man, some people think to much. But then when you've got to fill a 1000 word column, what can you do? Nice try, Sal. But he's an just an assbag.

Lesbian Cheerleader Bathroom Sex Catfight

If you haven't heard about the furor, two cheerleaders from the Carolina Panthers were arrested over the weekend for allegedly having sex in a bathroom stall at a bar in Tampa. The bar is called Banana Joes so there's a bit of irony right there. When patrons got angered that they couldn't get into the bathroom, one of the two girls hit someone. I'm guessing when they were finished. And one of the girls (who was only 20) gave a fake ID to the cops. Oops.

According to Google, this is the second most popular search request right now.

I really don't get the fascination with this story. Sure, the cheerleaders are probably attactive because they're members of the TopCats (the Panthers lame name for their cheerleading squad). But if this is the closest you can get to soft-core lesbian porn, you obviously don't know anything about cable television.

Is it the cheerleader fantasy? That's really never done it for me. Probably because at every sporting event I've ever been to, the cheerleaders just get in the way of the game I'm trying to watch. The cheerleaders don't fire up the crowd, good plays fire up the crowd.

And sex in a public restroom? Ick. Now I'm no germophobe, but what's wrong with a perfectly good car in the parking lot of the bar like God intended? These girls are messed up if they'd rather get in on on a bathroom floor.

Too bad this couldn't have happened earlier in the season, because Lesbian TopCat Cheerleaders would have made a great Halloween costume for two girls.

And Banana Joes's won't discuss the incident, but they are willing to profit from it. This weekend anyone dressed like a cheerleader gets free cover.

Who's Sorry Now?

This just in.....TO is sorry. He's apoligizing to the fans, the coach, the owner and Donovan McNabb. You know, the guy who's supposed to throw him the ball.

I'll bet he's really sorry, however, about missing out on $800,000 in salary for the 4 games he's suspended. Oh, and possibly having to fork over 1.8 million of his signing bonus. I know that would make me sorry.

I'm just glad he read his prepared statement with his weasely agent, Drew Rosenhaus, at his side. Nothing says sincerity in an apology like the warm, basking, remora-like face of your agent at your side. All is forgiven, TO. Just him the damn ball.

Strangely, the Eagles were unmoved and haven't changed their position about kicking TO off the team. Good for you, Eagles. Stick to your guns. It's probably onlya matter of time before TO is a Raider anyway.

T.O., T.O., It's Off The Team You Go

My wife recently said, "Hey, something's up with that guy you hate." She was, of course, talking about Terrell Owens.

And yes, it's true, I hate the assbag. I hate him as only you can hate the extremely talented who piss it all away. It's no secret. And Terrell's tragic fatal flaw (no, not hubris), his mouth, has gotten him in trouble again.

Terrell was pissy that the Public Relations department of the Philadelphia Eagles didn't make a bigger deal out of his 100th career touchdown reception. Specifically, he said the Eagles organization showed a "lack of class." Mr. Kettle, a Mr. Pot on the phone for you. When informed that the Eagles never celebrated individual milestones like this, TO still couldn't seem to keep his yap shut. Instead, he went on tv and agreed that the Eagles would be undefeated if they had Brett Favre as their quarterback. Then to cap things off, he got in a fight with Hugh Douglas a former defensive end in the locker room. Hugh's playing weight was over 280 pounds, so TO probably isn't too good at math either.

Finally, the Eagles decided they were a bit tired of TO's shenanigans. They've suspended him for 4 games (that'll cost him about $800,000) and said they won't play him the rest of the year. Luckily, the NFL Players Union has filed a grievance upon TO's behalf. Whew, good thing there's someone to keep those nasty teams from taking advantage of all those millionaire players.

So let's wrap this up. What shouldn't you do if you're on a professional football team:

• call the team "classless" (espcecially when you have no class)
• criticize other team mates (especially the guy who is supposed to throw the ball to you)
• start fights with ex-teammates (especially when they're much bigger than you)

Hmm, that doesn't sound too tough to me.

Immediately after the suspension, the Eagles promptly went out and lost one for the gipper. Sorry to all the Eagles season ticket holders, but you really don't want that assbag on your team.

Even Educated Fleas

As the legendary Cole Porter wrote, "Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it." Which brings us to the point that even though Ole King Cole would do anything to add 4 syllables to a line about fleas, he was talking about falling in love and not sex.

That being said, I think a verse should be added to the song now that scientists in India have discovered that even fossils do it.

So here goes:

In old Lucknow the fossils do it,

Even Jesus' apostles do it,

Let's do it, let's fall in love.

Oh, great now I'm so going to hell. Oh well, I've probably got front row seats already.

I Can't Take It Anymore

I don't think of myself as naive. But I'm tired of being dragged kicking and screaming into reality. I'd just like to have some of my childhood memories left alone. Of course, I'm talking about Sulu coming out of the closet. Yes, I have kissed a girl and no, I don't live in my parents' basement.

Can't we just let some things be? Did anyone really want to know that Sulu was thinking about how dreamy Chekov was instead of thinking about his lines? Just leave some of my childhood intact. I didn't even really like Star Trek, but I remember getting to watch it with my oldest brother. It's about the only time I remember him not hitting me. Ah, bliss.

So Scotty's dead and Sulu is gay. Next thing you know they'll be telling me that's not Kirk's real hair? What? Can't I have at least some of my fond memories?

Just for that I'm going to emulate "evasive maneuvers" by leaning way over in my chair the rest of the day when anyone asks me for anything.

Vinnifer Lives

It's good to know that some people can get on with their life and periodically the funny man (not the pretty one) can get the girl.

People magazine has published pictures in its latest issue of Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston mashing. Yup, I swiped it for you right over there. Isn't the interweb powerful and wonderful?

Wonder how Vince and Brad will get along the next time they make a movie together like in Mr. & Mrs. Smith? I hope he called and asked first. "Dude, will it freak you if I call your ex?"

And that's going to have to hold you for a while, kids. The wife and I are headed to Jamaica to help in the Hurricane Wilma Relief Efforts. Luckily, we'll be using this place as the base of operations. Ah, the power of the interweb to find travel deals. Be good to each other.

Bond For Failure

There's a new James Bond in town, kids. It's David Craig, the man with two first names. Yup, as usual, that's him over there on the right.

Now, I've never seen Mr. Craig in anything, but he made a movie called Layer Cake, an English gangster film. As I said, I haven't seen it, but is in in my Netflix queue so that says something right there. What it says, I don't know.

He definitely has big shoes to fill. Everyone seems to have their favorite James Bond actor. Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton or Pierce Bronsan all played the role of Ian Fleming's super spy. The BBC had people write in about which Bond actor people liked the most. And since they're English and he's with MI6, that makes some sense.

I guess I'd have to go with Sean Connery as the best Bond. But man, is he hairy. That's where Mike Meyers got the inspiration to make Austin Powers such a furball. I hated George Lazenby who was just some Australian model they dug up. And after seeing On Her Majesty's Secret Service about a million times, there's a reason he only lasted one movie. Which is a shame because that movie has the best plot of just about any Bond movie they've ever done.

I liked both Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan in the role. But I still see them as the first role I ever saw them in. Dalton will forever be the Prince in Green Tights from Flash Gordon to me. Yes, I know it's not fair, but I always remember him in those ridiculous tights and that bad wig when I see him. He was excellent in both Rocketeer and License to Kill.

And Pierce will forever be Remington Steele to me. Just look at that ridiculous hair. The 80's were not kind to us kids. Sorry about the crappy placement of that image, but I give. Too bad NBC wouldn't let Pierce out of his contract early when the Bond producers first wanted him.

I loved that show. Why won't they bring back the romantic comedy/murder mystery platform to modern tv? Glen Gordon Caron left after one year to do Moonlighting. Moonlighting, a romantic comedy/mystery platform. Sound familiar? I don't want reality. Reality sucks. I want snappy banter, beautiful people doing ordinary jobs, improbable plots, spine-tingling suspense, wacky chases, and unresolved romatic entanglements. Reality is crappy staff meetings, boring Power Point presentations and annoying office mates. Bleh. How did I get here from a post about James Bond. Wow, is that the tangent of all tangents? I gotta start mapping these posts out or people will think I'm even more scatterbrained than I really am. Oh, man, now my internal voice has taken over and I'm actually writing this stuff. And look how long that paragraph is. No one is going to read this drivel. It might as well be a TPS report. I don't mind the voices in my head, it's that they stutter. How to wrap this up?

Go see the new James Bond movie. Like the new guy or not, because you're stuck with him.

Man is that a lame ending. Talk about your denouement. Sorry kids, I promise to try to do better next time. Mea culpa.

Even More Vikings

Hey, I hear that the Minnesota Vikings have picked the Blue Bay Getaway hotel in Cancun, Mexico for their next team outing.

Quote of the story: "Then there was the quiet pool, but there was still sex going on in there--and it wasn't quiet."

And definitely don't tell those kids from Princeton to go here on Spring Break. They'll hate it.

Vikes, Vikes, Baby

If you live in Minnesota, I pity you. It's not just that the Minnesota Vikings can't seem to get it together on the field (they lost to Chicago 28-3 yesterday in a performance that can only be described as mailed in), but now they're up to no good off the field as well.

Last week several Vikings were implicated in what can only be described as a sex scandal involving two rented charter boats on Lake Minnetonka. Allegedly, a few players rented a couple of boats for a party. And it must have been a pretty good party because the police are describing it as "drunken behavior, nudity and visible sexual activity."

Just think how much fun they could have in the Land of 10,000 Lakes! I guess we know how the NFL teams spend their bye week now. And in the Vikes defense, this is all still under investigation (which means lots of juicy details to come) and only 17 of the players were involved.

Boy, it's a good thing they got rid of that trouble maker Randy Moss. The boat outfit (Al & Alma's) says they have a Supper Club. Maybe that should have been a stripper club?

Here's the best recap if you haven't heard the story. It's the trusty San Jose Mercury News.

The Vikes just hired a former FBI agent as their new head of security. Looks like the party is over guys. But at 1-4 after the loss the Chicago, it's good to know the Vikings aren't just screwing their season ticket holders this year.

Wie, Wie, Wie, All The Way Home

Welcome to the pros, kid.

Sixteen year-old Michelle Wie got disqualified from her first professional tournament after making an incorrect drop. Oops, and because they didn't discover the illegal drop until the next day, that meant she had signed an incorrect scorecard which is an automatic dq. All the details are here (if your that anal about the rules).

Oh, yeah, somebody named Annika Sorenstam won by 8 strokes. Wonder if she was pissed that people only wanted to talk about the youngster all week.

I'm guessing the Sports Illustrated reporter, Michael Bamberger, who got her dq'ed probably won't be getting an exclusive interview anytime soon.

Don't sweat it, kid. You lost out on 4th place in your first pro event and missed the $53,000 in prize money. I'm betting that 10 million in endorsement deals from Nike and Sony will cushion the blow a bit. Sucks to be you, huh?

Abstinence Club

Students from Princeton University have started a group called The Anscombe Society. These losers are actually promoting chastity in college.

Named after Elizabeth Anscombe a Cambridge University professor of Philosophy who was staunchly Catholic and argued for the Church's teachings on sex and abstinence in Contraception and Chastity. Bet that's a swell read.

Yep, that's Elizabeth Anscombe over there. Good looking gal, isn't she? How come the people who argue for chastity are probably the ones who really don't have to worry about that issue ever coming up. It doesn't look to me like Liz is going to have a full dance card.

Remembering how often I stuck out with coeds while I was college and had chastity forced upon me, I don't really think they need a group to promote it.

Another name for the group could be "Don't Invite Us To Your Party."

More of this silliness is at Yahoo.

Quote of the story: "You don't just have sex to have sex." Yeah, there's smoking in the dark afterwards, the guilt, lying to your friends and then that awkward moment when you run into each other later.

It might be nice to visit Cambridge, read old Liz's stuff and then head on over to the London Academy of Sex & Relationships just for the juxtaposition.

Plan Your Trip Now

Developers in London, England have announced plans to open a sexual theme park near Piccadilly Circus. It's true, I'm not making this up.

While I've never been to London (other than the one in Ontario and it's not the same) apparently this is just around the corner from a statue of Eros (captured rather crappily in that photo on the right, but what do you want for free on the interweb) which was erected in 1892 as a tribute to Lord Shaftesbury.

As a brief aside, Lord Shaftesbury is now officially on my list of possible porn aliases. It's right after Buck Naked and before Templeton Tongue.

My favorite part of the story: "Tittilation is not the goal." Huge mistake, kids. Go for the tittilation. Heck, go for it twice. I've never been mistaken in understimating how low the lowest common denominator really is. Is my only excuse for the Jerry Springer show.

I so want a shirt from the London Academy of Sex & Relationships. In fact, if they're not available online right now, they're missing a serious marketing opportunity. How about "I got flunked at the London Academy of Sex & Relationships?"

What would the school colors be? Red & Black. Maybe leather & lace?

School motto: Amo, Amas, A momma. That Latin for "I love, you love, she gets knocked up." Or if that's too high brow. How about Truth, Knowledge, a Great Lay?

School song? Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye of course. Runner up, Bad Medicine by Bon Jovi because of the immortal lyric: "Your love is like bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need." Now that's poetry kids.

I gotta go kids. I need to find someone who makes t-shirts on the interweb.

Which is Worse?

In addition to TomKat being preggers, Donald Trump and his new trophy wife (I can't even be bothered to Google her to find out her name) is also expecting.

And that got me thinking, which kid is going to be more messed up from a genetic perspective. Now I don't want to get off on a tangent about environment vs. genes, but not all of this is set in stone but here's what we can probably expect for both kids.

TomKat's Spud:

• short
• megalomania
• pretty
• inability to act
• forced into Hollywood religion du jour (Scientology can't last forever)
• spoiled
• unquenchable rumors of gayness

The Donald & Trophy Wife Number Whatever's Urchin:

• bad hair
• megalomania
• forced to watch re-runs of The Apprentice
• spoiled
• unquenchable rumors of poverty

So, probably not that much difference after all. Good luck kids, even though you've won the genetic lottery in terms of wealth, your parents will probably fuck you up.

I Was Warned

My secretary told me when I turned 40 that everything would go to hell. I expected it to be a downhill journey; I didn't expect it to be driving over a cliff.

I messed my knee up about 6 weeks ago. Moving a refrigerator, heard a pop, immediately couldn't put any weight on it. It got a little better, then about 2 weeks later it popped again while I was just standing in a line.

Anyway, I'm having to baby it. No stairs, no running, no advanced sexual positions (okay, any sexual positions). Seriously, when it's bad, I can barely walk. And I've learned that it'll be really bad after an orthopedic surgeon yanks on it for about 10 minutes, makes it click a lot, and tries to make it twist and turn in ways it probably hasn't done for about 15 years anyway.

The funny thing about all this is that everyone in my family has had major knee surgery. So I have a lot of input from people who I never solicit advice from. I keep asking, "Where did you get your medical degree from? I can't remember." The best thing is that my Dad keeps sending me email with helpful tips like this:

GET A SECOND OPINION!!!!!!! I HAD THREE BEFORE I GOT MY LAST HIP REPLACED. DO YOU HAVE A COMPANY DOCTOR YOU COULD DISCUSS WITH? READ PAGE18 IN SUNDAYS OCT.9 PAGE 18 ,GOOD ARTICLE ON THE KNEE PARADE MAGAZINE. DELAY ANY SURGERY.

Yup, that wily Shift key apparently eludes Pop when he's trying to give me medical advice. Luckily Parade Magazine is also the functional equivalent to the New England Journal of Medicine.

Am I the only one who finds that kind of email hilarious? It's like getting a telegram from the old west. I just wish he would say STOP instead of using a period.

Mr. Kettle, Mr Pot Is On The Phone

In a move that may actually make my head explode, the people from Wonderbra are accusing the folks from Marks & Spencer of being sexist.

Yup, the inventor of the push up bra is hammering another lingerie maker for using photos of semi-naked women in their advertising. When I use a photo of a woman showing her sweet boobs, that's classy. When you do it, it's trashy. Can't you see the difference?

I fail to see what the hubbub is about the Per Una collection. But then I'm not a Brit, so maybe there's something shocking to the continental sensibilities that's lost upon this Yank.

I guess I fail to see how Wonderbra taking the moral high road regarding women in advertising is going to sell more Wonderbra's, but then all I know about women's bras is that I like what's in them.

Quote of the Week

This week, it's another comedian.

"My girlfriend and I are trying to compromise more. She wants A, I want Z, so we've settled on something in the B-C range."

-- Costaki Economopolous on working relationships

Nick Cage Loses It

If you hadn't heard, Nicolas Cage and his second wife just had a baby boy. While that's all fine and dandy, they named the new son....wait for it...make sure you're sitting down....Kal-el.

No, that's not a typo. It's Kal-freaking-el as in the real name of Superman. Yup, while he was still a little boy on Krypton (before it blew up) that was his name. You may remember some of this crap if you saw the very first movie with Christopher Reeve as Superman -- the one with Brando.

I didn't know that old Nickie boy wanted to play Superman in the upcoming remake. The theory is that since he didn't get the part, he named his kid after him. Kind of like how when he didn't get to be Elvis, he married Lisa Marie Presley. And that worked out really well...for about four months anyway.

I hope for young Kal-el Coppola Presley that he really is the Man of Steel. Because I've got a feeling that the many schoolyard beatings to follow are going to let him know just how mortal he really is.

TomKat To Procreate

In one of the more shocking faux news stories out today, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a baby. Can you get impregnated via Scientology?

My favorite headlines so far:

• Show Me The Mummy
• TomKat Expecting TomKitten
• Cruise, Holmes; Pregnant!
• Obviously Gay Man Impregnates Media Distraction

Okay, so I might have made one of those up. One of them must have a movie coming out in about 9 months.

And All's Right In Hockeytown Again

In case you missed it, the National Hockey League was on strike last year. And while I do so love to see millionaires (the players) argue with billionaires (the owners), it's really just the fans who lost out.

The Detroit Red Wings played last night. Finally. Yes, they really do call it Hockeytown. If you're not from the Northeastern part of the US, you probably don't get it. But as the Red Sox are to Boston, so are the Red Wings to Detroit. But then if the other major competition for your undying love were the Lions and the Tigers, you can understand why people get behind the hockey ballers.

Now hockey is definitely the 4th sport in the echelon of professional sports. It might even be behind bowling. And it's not even televised on a legitimate network like ESPN. It's on the Outdoor Life Network. Yes, the same network of Survivor reruns and the Tour de France. What does it say about your sport when that's the best tv contract you can score?

Hockey suffers in that it's not a tv sport. You can't follow the puck or the players as well on tv and you can't grasp any of the strategy with line changes. It is a seriously fast sport that doesn't translate well into remote viewing. The ice is too big and a lot of the best action doesn't necessarily go on around the puck. These guys routinely skate at over 20 miles per hour. When the action gets going, bodies are flying across the ice and guys are sucking wind after each shift.

Fighting in the NHL isn't that big a deal. The fights tend to look worse than they actually are. It's tough to get any leverage to punch when you're slipping around on the ice. But when someone gets their sweater pulled up over their head and gets thumped, the crowd is always into it. It's the only sport where fights are part of the game. Every team has an enforcer. If you cross over the line and take a shot at the superstar, the enforcer comes in, busts somebody and everything quiets down again. Typically the only way you can really get injured is when you're down on the ice. And that's when the refs move in a break it up. Otherwise, they typically let them dance around a bit before they try to break it up. Everyone lets off a little steam, then it's back to the game.

Speaking of back to the game, welcome back, guys.

The HMO Will Probably Not Cover This

A woman from Oregan is suing a doctor. Nothing new there, right? Well she's suing him because he prescribed intercourse (with him of course) for her lower back pain.

Do you think he made her call him Dr. Feelgood? If a doctor says he can cure you by having sex with him, he must really have a magic johnson.

Now I'm neither a doctor nor do I play one on tv, but if you think sex makes your back feel better, it probably does. I thought sex made everything feel better.

I'm guessing this woman doesn't work for NASA. "Hop up on this table and take your clothes off. Now you'll feel some slight pressure and then your back will start to feel much, much, much better. Try to ignore my cries of pleasure and concentrate on your back."

How many "treatments" do you think it took before she realized that her back wasn't getting any better?

Dr. Feelgood got in trouble when he also submitted his 45 minute "treatments" to the state health plan to get them covered by insurance. Ah, greed raising its ugly head again. I think that's really trying to have your cake and eat it too, so to speak.

"Doctor, that doesn't feel like a thermometer......"

Quote of the Week

I think this guy may be my new hero...

"Women always want to know what men are thinking. I'll tell you what we're thinking: "Does that feel good?" and "Are you mad at me?"

-Nick Griffin, stand up comedian

Nick's currently scheduled to be on Dave's big show on October 7th. Don't miss him; he's that good.

Damn Dirty Apes!

Gorillas in the wild have been observed using tools. No word on whether they also wear NASCAR hats and need to pull their pants up.

Uh, oh. I remembered how this ended up when Charlton Heston got captured. omebody better double the guard for the Statue of Liberty and order extra bananas.

Watch the right hand. That's their "flinging" hand.

Doing It For My Country

I have this theory that the Playstation 2 is really a time machine. Because I swear that I can play Madden Football 2006 and an hour is gone in about 2 seconds. Staff meetings, on the other hand, seem to have exactly the opposite effect.

Anyway, our military has begun to use technology to keep our boys and girls out of harm's way.

I figure it's only a matter of time before I get my call up. I always knew that when I was using my video game console to save the world, that one day I'd be spreading democracy.

Quote of the story: "Those PlayStation 2s really do the trick."

I'm not wasting time and playing the only game in which the Detroit Lions have a chance to go to the Super Bowl, I'm doing it for my country. Call me up, sir!

So This Deer Runs Out In Front Of Me....

Hat's off the to the Jacksonville Times-Union for this little gem. Go ahead, I'll wait. Hurry back.

Ambulance, check. Stethoscope, check. Latex gloves, check. Pager, check. Mohawk? Oooh, that's going to make the doctor's disguise a little less credible.

I know exactly why he used the IV and defibrillator on the deer. He hit it and was trying to
resuscitate it. I knew there were too many medical shows on tv and this proves it. Do you think he tried to make the deer sign a waiver. I wonder if there's a little hoof print on some paperwork in the back of the ambulance.

Quote of the story: "It was a little like the Duke boys out there, I understand."

I don't know. If you steal an ambulance, have a deer in the back, are wearing a mohawk and drive through a ditch, does that automatically get you a trip to the psychiatric hospital for evaluation?

This Just In

It turns out that hurricanes aren't caused by global warming at all, they're caused by the Japanese mafia (the Yakuza, I believe) using a Russian electromagnetic generator.

Hey, I'm not making this up, it's some crazy weatherman named Scott Stevens of KPVI-TV in Pocatello, Idaho. It may come as no surprise that the TV station has asked Scott to take a little time out.

I'll guess this explains why ol' Scotty predicted a rain of frogs and locusts last week. If you'd like a little more of the crazy, you can check out Scott's official site. Lots of pix of clouds with arrows, but I couldn't find any mafia anywhere.

A Commandment

Okay, I don't typically preach here because I have to do so much at work because were full of people who fear change, love the status quo, are full of entropy and just resist anything that is new, different or potentially improved.

But I started watching a new show this week. Yes, it's already on the TIVO Season Pass because it's that good. I'm talking about My Name Is Earl. Yup, that's Jason Lee as the handsome devil Earl over there. And yes, that moustache does belong in a 1970's porn movie.

Earl wins the lottery and promptly loses the ticket. He realizes (in a morphine induced haze) that his life sucks because of all his bad karma. In an effort to straighten out his life, he makes a list of all the things he's done wrong and sets out to fix it. Some examples of his prior mistakes? Pantsed a party clown, stole a car from a one-legged girl and let mice out at school play. So Earl's got a lot of wrongs to right.

Despite all the critical hullabaloo surrounding the show, you should watch it. This was the funniest pilot for any show I've ever seen. The writing was stellar for the entire 22 minutes (yup those other 8 minutes in any sitcom are commercials, kids). It was hilarious from start to finish and laugh out loud funny. I had to keep rewinding to hear dialogue that I had laughed over and missed.

You owe it to yourself not to missed this one. Forget about your problems and watch Earl try to atone for all the mistakes in his life. It's a laugh riot.

Quote of the Week

Once again kids, I don't make em up, I just report em.

"The increased intensity of these kinds of extreme storms [Hurricanes Katrina and Rita] is very likely to be due to global warming."
-- Sir John Lawton, chairman of the Royal Commission on Environmental pollution

I love it when people use natural disasters to advocate their political agendas despite the lack of any scientific evidence.

No, Kyle, It's Because You Look Fucking Ridiculous

Thanks to the Houston Chronicle who seems to be doing an ever better job than most major metropolitan papers at reporting on the crazy shit that goes down in their burg.

Let's say for the last 2 1/2 years that you've been employed as "an advertising bird." Yup, that's our assbag du jour over there--Kyle Licnecum. Anybody want to bet that Kyle doesn't have a steady girlfriend?

And let's also say that with some regularity you get assaulted in your job. Sometimes it's just having soda thrown at you or being given the bird. Or it escalates into being beated up by a "gang of skateboard-riding teens" or "pummeled and pushed into traffic."

What would you chalk this up to? The growing decay of our civilization? The breakdown in the governing body's ability to protect its citizenry? The total absence of any modicum of decency in our society?

Nope, the attacks are because of "jealousy."

Now I've never been to Houston and I've never shopped in any Mattresses for Less store. But I think Ghandi might have taken a swing at this assbag.

If you dress up like an idiot and get beaten up while sweltering in the sun and making an ass of yourself and chalk it up to jealousy, I'm guessing your connection to the reality is just a bit tenuous at best. But if that delusion gets you through the day and keeps you from going off the deep end, more power to you young Kyle. Godspeed.

Best line of the story: "It was weird laughter."

For your sake kids, I hope no one was trying to drink anything while reading this story.

Not Just Banging His Gavel

The trial began in the case of former Judge Donald Thompson. You don't remember Judge Thompson? He's the judge who is accused of exposing himself in his courtroom and masturbating with penis pump during two murder trials and a civil trial in 2003.

I guess now we know why Justice is blind.

I'll admit to being a little naive about masturbating in public places, but in a court room? With all that legal mumbo jumbo going on? Unless Latin turns you on, I can't imagine that doesn't disrupt your concentration. But then I'll also confess that my knowledge of penis pumps is limited to what I learned from the first Austin Powers movie. I really didn't think a penis pump was a sex toy, but I'm sure the jurors will be on the edge of their seat for that determination.

Quote of the story: "this defendant committed the same crime over and over and over again."

C'mon, three times? Not if he's 58 years old. If he's 18, I might buy that story.

Second best quote of the story: "prosecutors can admit a photo they say will be used by a witness to identify Thompson's penis."

Umm, that's definitely a line up I don't ever want to see. Can you describe the defendant? Umm, short, bald and pointing a bit to the left.

Can you read that back? Slowly, please, slowly. Okay, enough bawdy talk today, kids.

Herman the Spokescrab

I really wish I were making this up. Go ahead, I'll wait, but hurry back.

I think that I was a Disaster Action Kid as a youngster. Because a lot of my best laid plans resulted in disasters as well.

Let's see. What did I get in major trouble for?

• Throwing a marble at my older brother and missing him but squarely hitting the tv screen. (Stupid brother)
• Hiding in the cabinet in the hallway while everyone looked for me and I only coming out after they called the police. (I figured if they can't find me, they can't make me go to church)
• Jumping off the teeter totter and sending my best friend to the hospital. (It was just a broken arm and he let me sign his cast)
• Busting out of the kiddie room at church and coming upstairs to see what was going on and kicking open the doors to the chapel and standing there with my hands on my hips like Lord of All I Survey while the whole congregation just stared at me. (I figured something good must be going on up there if they stashed all the kids downstairs; boy was I wrong)
• Emptying all the black powder out of my brother's rocket engines because we wanted to make smoke clouds and pretend i was in KISS. (My friend's eyebrows eventually grew back)
• Peeing on my kindergarten teacher's house. (Unfortunately she was in the house and talking to my Mom on the phone at the time because I had gotten in trouble that day at school)
• Coloring on the coffee table and trying to frame my my brother, but getting caught because I used crayons when I signed his name. (I was trying to teach him a lesson for not letting me hit him with a marble and making me break the tv)
• Leaving a condom in my jeans pocket for my Mom to find before she did the laundry. (I shut my Pop up by asking, "Would you rather I didn't use a condom?)
• Taking my brother's Soap Box Derby car down the hill in front of our house to try to deliver the newspapers on his route faster. (He couldn't play with me because he had to go deliver papers)
• Cutting my own hair because my cowlick wouldn't sit down (It didn't give me any trouble until it started to grow out in a week and then I looked like Alfalfa)
• Going to see The Jackal when I was only 8 because my brother helped me sneak into the theater and then getting in trouble when I tried to assassinate him with my BB gun the next day. (again my brother displayed remarkable dodging abilities but I was smart enough to plan the caper well away from the tv this time)

So I think it's fair to say that even though I didn't have my own personal spokescrab to help me out when I was a kid, we can blame my brother for getting me into a lot of trouble.

Pussy Wagon

Hi kids! Long time, no show. I know, I KNOW already. But with the new hurricane bearing down on Virtucon, the confirmation hearings, and me being on crutches and all. What? I forgot to mention that? Okay, I'll post about it later. For now, focus on the world and not on me and feast your lil peepers on this.

'I love you because you have a BMW'

I know that some chicks dig cars and all...but seriously. And I didn't know the Chinese had such a hankering for Kraut-mobiles either. Sorry, but that's what they are.

I think it's funny that the slipshod reporting that goes on in China didn't get the complete story. Well, this reporter (oooh, I love doing that) went the extra mile and got to the bottom of the situation.

The note was left by one Ma Hao Kai (loosely translated as Hoochie Mama). Her hobbies are stalking and talking to the voices in her head. She left the note after watching the owner park his BMW there for several years. She already has their elaborate wedding planned and names for their three children picked out. She'd like to lose her virginity in the back seat of the Beemer and also owns several cats.

If you're wondering about the "brief personal description" the actual note read:

Hi! I really like your car and would like to go for a ride. In the car, ha ha. I have short black hair, brown eyes, am single and crazy. I hope this note doesn't have the sweaty stench of desperation all over it, because I'm really very nice. Do you like me? Check Yes or No below. If you like me, please leave your car unlocked tomorrow and I will sleep in the back seat while you go to work. Yours, Ma Hao.

But this love story does have happy ending. While the BMW owner hasn't yet answered her not, he has begun parking it somewhere else. Playing hard to get obviously......

Quote of the Week

Here it is, kids. I don't make 'em up, I just report 'em.

"I heard from a very reliable source who saw a 25 foot deep crater under the levee breach. It may have been blown up to destroy the black part of town and keep the white part dry."
-- Louis Farrakhan as reported by WCNC Charlotte, NC

I wish I were making this up.

Physician Heal Thyself

So if I'm a multi-million dollar pop-psychologist and hand-holder to the stars who routinely dispenses advice to people via my books, tapes and tv show, what do I do when my son announces he's going to wed a former Playboy playmate?

Just take a look at the happy couple to be. Oh, yeah, that's going to last forever.

Or at least four months. Yes, I'm talking to you Mr. & Mrs. Chesney-Zellweger. Yes, he has to take her name because she is clearly the much bigger star. Hey, I don't make the rules of Hollywood, I just enforce them. An annulment after four months? Ooh, that's got to be worth at least another album of maudlin country music.

But let's not lose sight of our original target. I love that Dr. Phil wrote a diet book called The Ultimate Weight Solution when he seems to look to this reporter (ooh, I've always wanted to do that) at least 25 pounds overweight.

So let's total this up. Kid in doomed marriage, check. Telling others what to do when clearly unable to follow same advice, check. Relentless shilling of books, tapes, dvd's and other merchandise, check.

You're officially my hero, Dr. Phil.

I kid because I care. Actually, Philly Phil isn't so bad. At least he doesn't let you blame others for your problems. He's all about personal accountability which is a welcome relief from people blaming natural disasters on politics, race, religion and the like. Kids, if you EVER thought your government was competent, I've got a book for you. Or a movie if you don't like reading.

It's Good To See We're All Getting On With Our Lives

Jesse H. Jones High School (home of the Mighty Falcons) in Houston, Texas had to be evacuated on Tuesday morning after a fight. See some students formerly from Louisisana and some kids from Texas weren't seeing eye to eye.

Yup, some of the refugees (oops, I used the R word) from Hurricane Katrina (& the Waves) had been relocated to Houston and already enrolled in school.

As KIRO TV reported: The confrontation had been brewing for days and was about "respect and which group of students controlled the school." Kids, don't be disrespecting.

My favorite quote: "They got gangs in Houston. They got gangs in New Orleans. They all coincide right here. I don't want nobody just blaming New Orleans people." First, it's not a gang, it's a club. Second, that's a double negative. Who's teaching English at Jesse Jones High?

And it's good to see that even though our great country can band together to mount a relief effort in the millions of dollars in the event of natural disaster, we draw the line at disrespecting.

Don't disrespect kids or you'll get a cap in your ass. Or at least a pop can thrown in your general direction.

And who is Jesse Jones? Not Jesse James, he was an outlaw in the old West, or Mr. Sandra Bullock. Jesse Jones was a Houston businessman who also has a graduate school (of business of course) also named after him. I'm sure he'd be pretty proud that his entire high school got evacuated for a riot and three kids were hospitalized. Way to make old Jesse proud, kids!

Who is the Third?

It always happens in threes. By that, I mean celebrity deaths.

First Gilligan, then Rehnquist, now Gatemouth Brown bites it.

Clarence (aka Gatemouth) was an awesome Blues guitarist who also played some Cajun music.

Wait a minute, Chris Schenkel just went?

So now that's 4 deaths and that shoots my theory all to hell. Unless I missed two and there are really 6, because this says that Henry Luce III, the son of the founder of Time also went. That's pretty obscure in my book though.

Sorry for all the doom and gloom on a Monday. At least there's football tonight.

Someone at the Emmys Smoked Lunch

I'm finding it hard to believe that anyone thought this would be a good idea:

Stars to Sing in Emmy Idol Contest

Shatner singing? Has everyone forgot the debacle that was Shatner singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds?

And Trump will sing? I guess the hair wasn't enough of an embarrassment anymore.

Here's the official propaganda if you can't wait for next Sunday's train wreck.

My Kind Of Cause

If I have to see more highlights of the New Orleans Saints, kill me quick.

It's just a friggin' football game. It's not a soaring majesty of the triumph of the human spirit. It's what happens when you play a prevent defense with a minute left and the other team has a good kicker. Whatever. Sorry to start with a rant, kids. The final, New Orleans 23, Carolina 20.

Anyway, if you really want to do some good (and that's not cheering for the Saints), go do some drinking today. Yup, a task we all ought to be able to get behind.

Go participate in the Save New Orleans Cocktail Hour. On Monday, September 12th, between the hours of 5:00pm and 7:00pm go have a hurricane and they donate the proceeds. Or whatever else you want. Any excuse for a beverage.

Cheers!

A Sign Of The Apocalypse

Because you watched their shitty dancing show, now we're getting this:

Skating With Celebrities

Dave Coulier, Bruce Jenner, Todd Bridges, Kristy Swanson, Deborah Gibson and Jillian Barberie are hard up enough for rent money to sign on for the festivities.

I know we all want to watch Todd Bridges fall on his ass even more than we wanted to see him get his ass kicked while boxing, but for the love of God, don't watch this. Even on TIVO.

Quote of the Week

I am specifically avoiding editorializing and letting the QOTW speak for itself.

“Folks, you all know I have a rule; I don’t seat all white jurors.”
-- Circuit Judge Evelyn Clay of Chicago, Illinois

(as reported by the Chicago Tribune and in court transcripts)

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Hey, kids. Autumn begins in earnest tonight with Monday Night Football. On Thursday? Er... Okay, so it's a Very Special Thursday Night Edition of Monday Night Football.

After a concert. With some people who have nothing to do with football.

But it's the Rolling Stones Live! Errr, on tape delay from the game. Ummm, from Detroit the night before. Okay, from the 31st of August. But it's still great. It'll be great!

And there are other great musical guests like Green Day and Santana and Maroon 5 and Good Charlotte and Kanye West and Rihanna. Okay, so the last ones aren't anyone you'd ever pay to see, but that doesn't make it any less great.

But Freddy Prinze will be hosting the show. Yup, Fucking Freddy from the Scooby Doo movies. Wow, how did they manage to land Freddie Prinze. Oh, that's right. He's got a new show on ABC. Wow, what a coincidence. The over and under for Freddie's new show is 8 weeks before cancellation. Get your bets in now, people.

But we need to sell advertising for an hour because we don't have episodes of Lost or Desperate Housewives to show you.

Just watch with the sound off. Madden is less annoying that way.

And we'd like to thank our sponsors in corporate whoring: Campbell's, Canon, Coors, Diet Pepsi, EA Sports, GMC, Burger King, DMI, Gatorade, Motorola and Visa. And Sprint. It's presented by Sprint which means they threw the most money at ABC.

I wish I were making this up.

This better be a good game. At least I'll be able to throw things at the screen whenever they show Randy Moss on the sideline.

I Know How Petroleum Jelly Got It's Name

The major gasoline pipline that supplies the East Coast of the US is now operating at 100% capacity. It's true.

And according to FARK, this means that gasoline companies will now have to come up with some other creative way to gouge us.

Movie Stars, is there anything they don't know?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. No, not Men Love Boobies. The gigantic wheel of karma will eventually roll around and crush you.

Sean Penn had to be rescued when the boat he took to New Orleans to assist in the rescue efforts began to sink.

Now I will admit that I don't specifically recall when Mr. Penn received his Red Cross certification to assist in relief efforts.

But taking along a personal photographer? That's the gigantic wheel of karma people.

I know exactly what happened. Anyone who has ever had a boat has at one time took it out without the plug in it. You always take it out to drain the water in your boat (after you're done fooling around for the day) and eventually you'll forget to put it back in. You have to drive around in circles while someone in your boat hops out and gets the plug. If you go fast enough, not too much water will get in your boat.

I think we'll all be better served if we just pony up to the Red Cross. Leave the rescue efforts to the professionals. And leave your photographers at home. We've seen enough devastation.

And I know I'm so going to hell, but I can't help but giggle when I look at Mr. Penn bailing out that boat with a 'lil red cup.

So It Begins

I've decided I'm going to get rich with Mrs. Harriet Mangwana. And I plan on posting our little email dance right here.

Here's what I sent her today:

Dear Mrs. Mangwana:

Thank you for your sincere offer to participate in your spurious business venture. While I have no previous experience or knowledge of international finance, estates and trusts or internet investments, I am honored that you chose me out of all internet users to contact via email.

While I’m not certain how you obtained my email address, you did indicate in your missive that you were doing “private research on the Internet” and that you believe me to be a “sincere and trustworthy person and of transparent honesty.” I’d be very interested in this research as maybe it could increase traffic to my blog and they are severely misinformed. I believe that sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, a lot of things just fall into place.

I am very transparent though. In fact, I’m so transparent that I would like to post our various email conversations on the Internet (specifically at my blog) so that others may learn of your plight. I’m certain that with enough media exposure the heinous crimes of President Robert Mugabe will be brought to light. I will confess that I know little of Zimbabwe other than what I have learned by watching reruns of The Amazing Race. I'm not sure what this says about my trustworthiness as I did exactly the opposite of what you told me to do as soon as I could. But let's move on.

While you have as yet asked for no money directly from me, I have the sneaking suspicion that this is the direction our conversation will eventually lead. I must confess that the majority of my personal disposable income is wrapped up in an exciting business venture – Alpaca farming. In fact, if you’d like to invest some of the 11.5 million dollars you have, I’m sure I could pull a few strings and get you in on the ground floor of an exciting opportunity. In fact, if you have two friends whom you could recruit, I’m thinking the sky is the limit. My business model is based upon the writings of Charles Ponzi. You don’t need much experience—just two friends who are more gullible than you.

Unfortunately, I am unable to provide either my private phone or fax number to you directly, but you may continue to pester me via email directly to this address.

Hugs and kisses,

t2ed

Less Than Two Weeks You Scurvy Dogs

I didn't make this up. I'm just perpetuating it. But it's real.

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Now a quick quiz.

What a pirate's favorite restaurant? RRRRRRRRby's. Ooh, that's smelly.

Don't wait until the last second. Get your pirate name now.

But It's Not A Panther

If your cat went out white and came home pink, would you let him in the house?

It's true I'm not making this up or just doctoring photos. That's creepy, man.

I've got to think someone either nailed kitty with paint, it got a little blood-letting from a smaller animal or had a horrible cotton candy incident.

Now everyone in that neighborhood is going to want a pink cat.

And I'm betting if the New York Post runs this story, the headline with be "Pink Pussy."

Gilligan is Dead

In case you haven't heard, Bob Denver probably best known for his titular role on Gilligan's Island has passed away at the age of 70.

No one ever talks about his role as Maynard G. Krebs, television's first beatnik character on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis. Or even Far Out Space Nuts.

What's really scary is that I didn't have to look those up. I remembered he was in both of those crappy shows. Or any of the many Love Boat or Fantasy Island episodes he did.

I'm actually pretty surprised the rest of the castaways didn't kill Gilligan and put his head on a stake as a warning to anyone who would ruin their escape the island plans. Gilligan would have been nothing but another Piggy on my island. Wow, this took a nasty turn didn't it?

I hope no one from American Idol dies or I'll really go off on a rant.

Waving the White Flag

It's obvious that spam is ruining email. I've been working on the interweb for about 8 years now and it's my professional opinion (and I get paid a lot to be ignored by my company in this space) that RSS feeds are going to displace commercial email. You'll have a small circle of friends who you can talk to electronically and everyone else gets shunned. You'll subscribe to whatever interests you (sports, movies, porn, local news, local porn, etc.) and everything else will just get blocked. We'll move away from a presumption that everyone ought to be able to reach everyone else and we'll move to a closed model. I'm also still waiting for the first Ipod virus or mp3 based variant.

Anyway enough bold new predictions for a Tuesday morning and here's some swell spam I got over the weekend. I haven't decided if I'll write back. This is an old scam that presumably the entire country of Nigeria is involved in perpetuating.

From Mrs. Harriet Mangwana
No: 347 Abercorn Street,
Matabele North Province,
Bulawayo-Zimbabwe.

Please Reply to E-mail: mangwana_harriet@hotmail.com

INVITATION FOR PARTNERSHIP.

Dear Sir,

I am well confident of your capability of executing this transaction for the mutual benefit of both families, believing that you will not expose or betray the trust and confident I am about to repose to you.

I am contacting you with the greatest delight and personal respect. I am Mrs. Harriet Mangwana, the wife of late Dr. (chief) Samuel Mangwana, who was murdered last year of June by the forces loyal to president Robert Mugabe due to their support in acquiring his land and property during the crisis in Zimbabwe last year, which continued and led to the lost of several lives of foreign (white) farmers. For a clearer picture of my story please log on to http://www.zimbabwesituation.com/may4_2002.html.

President Robert Mugabe has started destruction of houses that belongs to people opposing the Brutal Government in power President Robert Mugabe and there supporters. The demolition has left more than 9000,000.00( nine hundred thousand) Zimbabweans homeless and destitute affected more than 2.4 million people there is massive violation of human right that has been undertaken by Harare government as reported on cable network news (CNN) and by the British Broadcasting Corporation (BCC).

I got your contact while I was doing a private research on the Internet, for a reliable person for partnership investment overseas. Believing you are sincere and trustworthy person and of transparent honesty and capable of handing this transaction to the best of your knowledge in assisting my son and I, in Claiming the sum of US$ 11,500.000.00. (Eleven million, five hundred thousand united state Dollars) Into a foreign account for safekeeping pending on arrival to your country for our investment plan.

You may need to know how this fund originated. The sum was inherited from my late husband who was assassinated by Robert Mugabe's aides in view of acquiring his land and property. I got to know of this fund when our family lawyer, approached me few months ago with some documents that my late husband had filed with him in the file, I realized that my late husband (blessed memory) has written a "will" which he specifically pointed my attention and I quote.

My darling wife, I wish to draw your attention to the sum of US$11,500.000.00 (Eleven million five hundred thousand united state dollars) which I deposited with a security company in South Africa. All documents concerning the fund is filed with our family lawyer and you can make lay claim to the fund in case of my absence on earth only by death. I made an agreement with the Security Company that my foreign partner will stand as a beneficiary to lay claim of the money. The beneficiary will come forward to make claim of the consignment.

Dr. (chief) Samuel Mangwana, my late husband advised me through my lawyer that incase if he dies that I should look for a foreigner who will stand as the beneficiary of the fund so that the fund will be transfer to his or her account for partnership investment. From the above you can understand that my future especially that of my son depends strongly on this money. I will like you to assist us in transferring this money into your account for investment.

You can contact my son Jonathan Mangwana on Tel: +27-83-510-36-37, or His e-mail is jo_mangwana@hotmail.com for more details, as they have been to south Africa to arrange with some bankers that will assist in this transfer. For your assistance in this regard, it will interest you to know that we will be willing to come to terms with you regarding your reward for helping us actualize this matter. It is equally important to state here that considering the nature of this matter, we will required that it is handle most discreetly.

Kindly contact us using the above particulars upon receipt of this latter for execution details and other necessary discussion. Your private phone and fax number will be needed for easier communication thank you in anticipation of your trusted and genuine assistance I remain,

Yours sincerely,

Harriet Mangwana. (Mrs.)

Please reply to mangwana_harriet@hotmail.com and try as much as possible to call my son Jonathan Mangwana on +27-83-510-36-37 for more details

Keeping It Light

I'm sure many people have seen the devastation they are running constantly on the network news. So I'm not going to contribute to the continued downer feeling.

But did they really have to interview the 400 pound woman who was complaining about not eating for days? Someone else at a major news organization had to have been giggling too. I'm so going to hell, but then I already had a front row seat.

I also keep yelling at the tv, "Why don't you give them a sandwich, Brian? You look pretty well fed." Maybe if all the news crews had also taken snacks and water, things wouldn't be so bleak.

Give till it hurts, kids.

And the price of crude oil isn't what's contributing to the high gas prices, it's THE OIL MAN fucking us all without lubricant. I'm going to be sure to ride my bike to the inconvenience store this weekend if I need a beer run.

With Many Schoolyard Beatings To Follow

Britney to call her boy London Preston.

At least it's not Apple.

The Only Thing You Can Do

Like a lot of folks, I know some people (co-workers) down in Louisiana.

When I heard that refugees were being evacuated to the Astrodome, I thought, "My God, haven't those poor people suffered enough?" Then I realized that the Houston Oilers no longer play there.

But seriously, give until it hurts:

American Red Cross

Ask your boss to match your contribution. It's what we did.

I Don't Think This Is What They Mean By "Ladies Night" aka It's good to be the king

The King of Swaziland (a country with a population of just over a million and slightly smaller than New Jersey) is currently exercising his divine right and picking a new bride. Yup, it's the annual Topless Virgin Parade. I'm not making this up, kids. It's true.

Yes, after an 8 day parade of topless virgins, King Mswati III selects one to be his next bride. This will make an even baker's dozen. Yup, that's hizzoner right there.

Now I don't want to get off on a tangent here, but picking your wife from a parade doesn't seem like the most practical approach to take. But I'm sure those previous 12 picks are all working out fine for Mswati.

I don't know if it's really a celebration of girl power or it's yet another example of the exploitation of women in some bassackwards Third World Country. But let me point out a few facts:

• Swaziland is an absolute monarchy
• An estimated 40% of the adult population in Swaziland is infected with Aids (that's tops in the world kids)

I'm sure this Virgin Parade which is a celebration of chastity is intended as a means to combat aids. If you're chaste, you can't get infected, right? But if you're poor and oppressed, what else is there for you to do? Florida is currently experiencing a baby boom from last year's significant hurricane season. It's human nature.

But there is hope, Swaziland's new constitution allows a woman to refuse to comply with customs they don't agree with. Customs like requiring a widow to marry her brother-in-law. Ah, that's progress.

How's that Swaziland Space Program coming?

But seriously, if you're wanting to be taken seriously, you can't name your organization SMEGWA. That's the Swaziland Media Gender Watch.

And the worst part of all this, I've got "Ladies Night" stuck in my head now.

Naughty British Places

There's a book coming out with some of the most naughty sounding places in Britian.

That link is just so ya'll see that I'm not making this up. I can't resist publishing the entire list:

100 Jeffries Passage, Surrey
99 Prince Albert Court, Surrey
98 Nork Rise, Surrey
97 Brown Willy, Cornwall
96 Great Tosson, Northumberland
95 Trump Street, London
94 St. Mellons, Cardiff
93 Percy Passage, London
92 Booty Lane, North Yorkshire
91 Nether Wallop, Hampshire
90 Honeypot Lane, Leicestershire
89 Mudchute, London
88 Juggs Close, East Sussex
87 Cockermouth Green, Newcastle
86 Six Mile Bottom, Cambridgeshire
85 Cock and Bell Lane, Suffolk
84 Little Bushey Lane, Hertfordshire
83 Titlington Mount, Northumberland
82 Slippery Lane, Staffordshire
81 Hooker Road, Norwich
80 Cumloden Court, Dumfries and Galloway
79 Tinkerbush Lane, Oxfordshire
78 Ugley, Essex
77 Pratts Bottom, Kent
76 Ramsbottom Lane, Greater Manchester
75 Prickwillow, Cambridgeshire
74 Old Sodbury, Gloucestershire
73 Upper Dicker, East Sussex
72 Swell, Somerset 71 Bladda, Paisley
70 Snatchup, Hertfordshire
69 Spital in the Street, Lincolnshire
68 Shingay cum Wendy, Buckinghamshire
67 Pump Alley, Middlesex
66 Old Sodom Lane, Wiltshire
65 Long Lover Lane, Halifax
64 East Breast, Inverclyde
63 Dicks Mount, Suffolk
62 Staines , Surrey
61 Crapstone, Devon
60 Three Cocks, Powys
59 Feltwell, Norfolk
58 Pant, Shropshire
57 Balls Cross, West Sussex
56 Ogle Close, Merseyside
55 Friars Entry, Oxfordshire
54 North Piddle, Worcestershire
53 Mincing Lane, London
52 Bottoms Fold, Lancashire
51 Backside Lane, Oxfordshire
50 Winkle Street, Southampton
49 Wham Bottom Lane, Lancashire
48 Upperthong, West Yorkshire
47 Tosside, Lancashire
46 The Furry, Cornwall
45 Lower Swell, Gloucestershire
44 Lickers Lane, Merseyside
43 Honey Knob Hill, Wiltshire
42 Boghead, Ayrshire
41 The Bush, Buckinghamshire
40 Hill o'Many Stanes, Scotland
39 Grope Lane, Shropshire
38 Willey, Warwickshire
37 Happy Bottom, Dorset
36 Feltham Close, Hampshire
35 The Knob, Oxfordshire
34 Menlove Avenue, Liverpool
33 Titty Ho, Northamptonshire
32 Crotch Cresent, Oxfordshire
31 Blairmuckhole & Forestdyke road, Lanarkshire
30 Pant-y-Felin Road, Swansea
29 Beef Lane, Oxfordshire
28 Merkins Avenue, West Dumbartonshire
27 Pork Lane, Essex 26 Moisty Lane, Staffordshire
25 Wetwang, East Yorkshire
24 Scratchy Bottom, Dorset
23 Swallow Passage, London
22 Lickey End, Worcestershire
21 Bitchfield, Lincolnshire
20 Spanker Lane, Derbyshire
19 Rimswell, East Riding of Yorkshire
18 Lickfold, West Sussex
17 Dick Court, Lanarkshire
16 Beaver Close, Surrey
15 Fanny Avenue, Derbyshire
14 Cockshoot Close, Oxfordshire
13 Inchinnan Drive, Renfrewshire
12 Fanny Hands Lane, Lincolnshire
11 Hole of Horcum, North Yorkshire
10 Slag Lane, Merseyside
9 Shitterton, Dorset
8 Back Passage, London
7 Fingringhoe, Essex
6 Muff, Northern Ireland
5 Sandy Balls, Hampshire
4 Twatt, Orkney
3 Bell End, Birmingham
2 Minge Lane, Worcestershire
1 Cocks, Cornwall

I'm not certain where I'd like to visit more--#33 Titty Ho or #25 Wet Wang.

Save Our Summer

Man, where was this when I was in school? Someone has some parents buffaloed. I know my parents were more than ready for me to go back to school by the end of summer.

I'm not certain how legit that is, but if it's on the interweb, it must be true. My guess is that someone in the tourism industry had a good idea to make more moolah.

Personally, I think the 'lil anklebiters should be in school year 'round. That way they might actually learn some science and math and keep us from falling behind other countries.

And they won't be in my way when I only have 45 mins to shop for DVD's and eat while at the mall during lunch hour.

I may need to start a Save Our Football Season movement. It's way too short.

Dead Dog & Provo

If you lost your puppy and you've recently been in Provo, the city wants to talk to you. Do you own one of those hooks used to remove manhole covers? Hmmmm, extremely suspicious if you ask me. Must be the shift eyes.

My favorite quote: "We're like the hurricane victims."

Um, no. You do have raw sewage coming out of your toilet, but you still have a house. And when everything is cleaned up, you'll still be in Provo.

Ah, Provo. Where the women are women and the men are too.

Madden '06

I used some of my birthday Best Buy gift card loot to buy the new Madden '06 game.

Man is that thing realistic. The game is so realistic that Terrell Owens even complains about his contract!

You knew I just couldn't let it go completely.....

A Bad Sign

Is it a bad sign that after decorating my office with black balloons and Aqua Teen Hunger Force blow ups, my co-workers bought me a South Park magnetic dartboard, a Darth Tater and a Best Buy gift card so I can buy video games?

When they gave it to me, they said that Darth would be worth more if I didn't open the package.

Yeah, like I'm going to pull a 40 year old virgin and not open it. Please, you buy toys to play with them for crying out loud.

Comment Spammers

I recently got comment spammed. And they got me good. 9 times, Mrs. Buehler. 9 times.

If they were more creative than making every comment spam from Anonymous, someone might actual fall for this crap.

I wish the comment spammers were as creative about thinking up something new as they are about ruining what we have. I mean, they're showing some initiative here. They just need to be channeled a bit more. Kind of like me in school. And work. And my personal life.

I mean they didn't even think up any different celebs to be on Christopher Walken's Cabinet. It was just click here, go here, ENJOY WINE, blah, blah, blah. If they were on topic, that'd be really scary. Oh well, that's why we have the trash button on the comments. Buh bye, anonymous.

That'll teach me to wish for more comment traffic.

Well the only option on the interweb to prevent spam comments is to turn on the word verification software. Sorry, kids. Even more work than thinking is required to comment now.

What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules. Thank you , Eric Stratton.

Christopher Walken's Cabinet (Redux)

If you haven't heard about it or haven't seen it, some guy has started a site called Christopher Walken for President in 2008.

I'm guessing that's because the character Christopher Walken plays in Wedding Crashers is the Secretary of the Treasury. As the real Secretary of the Treasury is John Snow, you'll understand why Walken is a much more likely candidate. Yup, that Johhny Boy on the right there.

And while it'd be fun to riff on potential Walken campaign slogans, I'm going to zag. Okay, one quickie slogan just off the top of my head. "I can't believe....you're not voting... for me." Trust me, I do a killer impression.

Anyway, on to Chistopher Walken's Cabinet when he's elected.

Agriculture: Woody Harrelson Hey, he's all about growing a nice crop.

Commerce: Joe Pesci For someone who's not been in that many movies, he seems like he's doing okay at making money. He must have something on the ball. He's in charge of commerce now.

Defense: Samuel L. Jackson. Because he's the baddest mutha on the planet.

Education: (thanks to Kim for pointing out my oversight. I'm blaming the onset of college football season and my soon to be near the bottom of the Big 10 er 11 alma mater for the freudian slip) While Michelle Pfeifer isn't a bad call, Dangerous Minds doesn't make her any more qualified that Edward James Olmos in Stand and Deliver or even Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society. So I'm going to completely zag and go with Gabe Kaplan. Mr. Kotter is my favorite teacher plus he can all those kids to be useful members of society and do something to give back to the nation--like playing online poker all day.

Interior: George Hamilton. I swear he looks like he's never been outside, but has the best tan in the world.

Justice: Sam Waterston. With all that time on Law & Order, he must have picked up something about the law.

Labor: Paris Hilton because you know she'll never do an honest day's work in her entire life.

Energy: Quentin Tarantino. Who has more energy than Q? Of course it all may be due to Bolivian Marching Powder. Allegedly.

Health & Human Services: Jane Seymour. Who would you trust with your health more than Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?

Homeland Security: Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is as close as he gets to the White House. Plus he has all that experience fighting terrorists in True Lies.

State: Ving Rhames. Who's going to start a war with us if you have to negotiate with Ving? Even badder than Samuel L. Don't tell him though.

Transporation: John Travolta. He's got the plane and everything. Maybe let him fly Air Force One for a reward on long weekends.

Treasury: Larry David. He's got more money than God.

Veteran's Affairs: Yes, this really is a cabinet post. Jennifer Aniston. She needs to meet a nice serviceman and settle down. Stay away from actors, you can't trust them.

Housing & Urban Development: Steve Buscemi. I've got a feeling he can help you if you need some development done. You know what I'm saying, wise guy? Again, allegedly.

And yes, I'm too lazy to do the Vice President, Chief of Staff, Office of Management and Budget, Trade Representative, EPA Chief or Drug Tzar.

How To Get Down From a Horse

When I saw a headline with the terms "Madonna" and "horse" in it, that's not how I thought it was going to turn out. I'm just saying....

Too bad the fall didn't fix that gap between her teeth. I really like the fake accent though. You're from Bay City, Michigan. Get over yourself already.

Luckily, she's got the Kabbalah to turn to for comfort. A good orthapedic surgeon might not hurt either.

Never Trust Lawyers Who Say "Amen"

The first Vioxx trial just finished. Merck got fucked. The jury awarded the widow of a 59 year old man 253.4 million dollars. I'm kind of wondering how they got to the 3.4 million part.

"Is 250 million enough?"

"No, add another 3.4 million and we're out of here."

Now, don't get me wrong. Merck must have messed something up, but is a 59 year old guy worth more than 250 million dollars?

I'm no shrinking violet, but I don't think I'm worth 250 million dollars. And I'm sure my wife, my boss and most of my clients would more than agree with that assessment. I'm struggling to think of who might be worth 250 million dollars. I know Terrell Owens isn't. HA! And you thought I'd let it go.

Now you know why attorneys forum shop and pick and choose where they file cases so they can get large verdicts. It works.

My favorite part of the story: Plaintiff Carol Ernst began to cry when the verdict was read while her attorneys jumped up and shouted, "Amen!"

I know I want to say "Jesus Christ" right now.

The good news is that those gospel-loving barristers are probably about 8.5 million dollars richer. Wow, I should have chased a few more ambulances when I practiced law.

This Headline Rocks

Now I know that a lot of newspaper headline writers get some flack every now and then. Here's one who is clearly doing a great job.

The headline? Gas Thief Escapes on Tricycle

It's true. I swear I'm not making this up.

Quote of the Week

For a change, it's not me saying something stupid. It's the college student in your group who has a year left before she gets her degree.

"Don't make fun of underpriviliged people; they get pissed."
--JB, our college student

Aptly put, JB, aptly put.

Farm Living Is The Life For Me

Single ladies, if you're looking for a hard-working farmer type, look no further.



It's true. Here's the proof.

My favorite quote: "I wouldn't place a personal ad in the paper. To me it seems desperate." Yeah, not at all like doing it in your field. That's classy.

The Final TO Word

While I should probably be changing the name of this blog to "Hate TO.com," I've got to let it go. Steelers played the Eagles last night. Of course the TO contoversy was all over the game, especially as Hines Ward, Pittsburgh's hold out receiver had just reported to camp.

They took a poll on TO. Just 8% of the voters thought the Eagles should pay him more.

One great sign in the stands: TO: Shut Up and Play

Peter King over at Sports Illustrated goes on at length on TO. His quote:

Go back to the Eagles on Wednesday, T.O., shut that massive piehole, play football and try to prove to some of us who think you're the worst kind of problem with American sports today that we're wrong. Please.

Guess that's why he's the professional and I'm the hack. Although I do use "piehole" in everyday converstation quite a bit.

Okay, I'll through dirt on this TO thing, but I'm not making any promises here. That guy is just too big of an assbag.

Bill Clinton's Greatest Hits

Did you hear? Bill Clinton is putting out an album. Okay, it's not like it's him singing or not, but it's a collection of some of his favorite songs.

Here's some songs I'm betting we won't see on the album.

• Devil With a Blue Dress On (Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels)
• Have a Cigar (Pink Floyd)
• Three Times a Lady (Lionel Richie)
• Super Freak (Rick James)
• We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off (Jermaine Stewart)
• I'm Ready (Muddy Waters)
• Psychobilly Freakout (Reverand Horton Heat)
• Does Your Mother Know (Abba)
• Bad to the Bone (George Thorogood)
• Blowin' in the Wind (Bob Dylan)
• I Touch Myself (Divynyls)
• Hate Myself For Loving You (Joan Jett)
• I Saw Her Standing There (The Beatles)

I'm sure there are others, but this was just off the top of my head.

Go nuts, kids.

Quote of the Week

I'm not a fan of the Detroit Lions. But I like NFL football and because they're my market team, I'm stuck watching them most whether I want to or not. With that explanation, here's the quote of the week:

"I think he's drafted extremely well. I think we've built a good foundation, all due to Matt's direction. I think we've built a good team, all due to Matt's direction."

-- Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford, announcing the five year contract extension for club president and CEO Matt Millen.

Under Millen, the Lions are an NFL-worst 16-48 (including 3-29 on the road) in four years. During the Millen administration the Lions also set an NFL record by losing 24 straight road games for a span 3 years. Prior to being hired by Ford, Millen's only management NFL experience consisted of being an announcer with CBS and Fox.

I can't believe performance like that warrants a five year extention. How can I get a job working for Mr. Ford?

TO's Continued Assbaggery

As I was watching ESPN's SportCenter this morning, they were reporting on TO getting kicked out of practice for a week. My wife asked me why TO was on. And I yelled, literally yelled at the tv, "Because he's an ASSBAG!"

Why does this spoiled millionaire rile me so? Randy Moss doesn't enrage me this much. I don't know what it is about TO.

Here's the difference in the approach between the Coach Reid and TO. When Coach Reid was asked about the exchange that prompted him to eject TO, he said:

"I'll address him on Wednesday and that's between T.O. and myself," Reid said.

Owens, on the other hand, went on ESPN at halftime (with his agent of course) of last night's game and said that Reid told him to shut up.

"And I told him my name isn't Reid. My name is Owens. I'm not one of his kids. Don't tell me to shut up," Owens said.

My favorite part of the interview was when Chris Berman asked TO if he and Donovan McNabb could have still be successful together. While Dickclown Drew shook his head yes, TO instead said, "I don't think so and I'm just being honest." Oops, way to be on the same page boys.

Wow, it's hard to imagine someone getting sick of TO running his mouth, isn't it? Enjoy your time out, TO.

Now They'll Kill You

As someone who enjoys a nice, quiet sit-down with a quality video game every now and then, I tend to really enjoy when the parental lobby blames the shortcomings of their ungrateful progeny upon the video game industy.

Yes, I'm sure Spalding the Third is a little shit because he saw a booty call in a video game and not because he's spoiled. It's got to be the violence and not because Meemaw bought her 11 year old grandson a Teen rated game.

Well now it's even worse. Now games can kill you.

Kids, don't play for 50 straight hours. Try to find a girl to kiss and move out of your parent's basement.

A TO Quickie

Drew "Dickclown" Rosenhaus, who is TO's agent, is going to be on Dave tonight. Dave TIVO's automatically for me, but I probably won't watch the show for a few days.

In the interim:

Q. Why don't opposing teams double-cover TO?
A. They can't find two guys who can stand to be around him.

Is it a surprise that in the first picture I found of TO, he has his mouth open?

I don't know where all the inner rage about TO came from, but I know I like it.

Martha & the Anklet

Martha Stewart's confinement is being extended. Ostensibly it's because she went to a yoga class and was tooling around her estate in a 4x4.

I can't wait until Martha gets that electronic monitoring device off her ankle. It's leaving a mark on my neck.

Just kidding. I wish I could take credit for that joke, but I stole it from Dave. He's clearly the funniest man alive.

Viva Las Vegas

Last weekend was the time I would typically go to Ohio to play in a golf tournament with my cousin, my Pop, and my uncle (Dad's brother). Unfortunately, because this tournament is populated mostly with guys my Pop went to high school with (and he's 75 now), we lacked critical mass this year to have the event. Simply put, too many of the old farts are dead, dying or otherwise unable to golf anymore.

So we decided not to lose the weekend and go to Vegas. Except my Dad and Uncle pimped my cousin and me and didn't show. We had fun anyway. Even though it was godawful hot. 110 F every day (that's 43 C to you international readers) and just walking half a block (and Vegas has long blocks) caused you to break a sweat.

My cousin played golf both days. I was too big a puss and stayed inside by the nice, cool craps tables and tried to win a little dorame (that's dough-ray-me). A big hunk of sugar like me will just melt in weather that hot.

Here's the quick recap:

• The Paris hotel is nice and fairly centrally located.
• Don't get all the hubbub about Wynn's new place. It's big, garishly colored and you can gamble there. Wow, there's no place else like that in Vegas.
• Danny Gans is okay but not worth $100. 20% of his act was great, 40% was so so, and 20% could have been anyone. One of the guys said he could do that act.
• Commander's Palace has a great jazz brunch and an even better bloody mary
• I missed my wife.
• I can't handle that many people for that long without a break. In the mornings I had to go down to the pool before it opened and read while no one was around. That crush of humanity (most of whom don't seem to know how to walk with a purpose) drove me nuts.
• I sleep like shit on a plane.
• I can cross professional gambler off my alternate career list. I can't live on $30 a day in winnings. Especially when I want to eat at Commanders Palace every day. At least I finished up for the weekend. One of the guys we were with lost 2 grand. The only machine he won at was the ATM and that popped him for $4.
• The monorail ran like a charm while I was there. $3 from one end of the Strip to the other. Beats the crush of humanity trying to walk on the Strip.

It was good to get away from work, but the three hour time change from the East coast really messes you up.