Working for the Weekend

Yeah, just try to get that out of your head for the next two days. Seriously, I can only last about 30 seconds in that song if I'm not in the mood for it. Why is that?

I know you're still feeling depressed from all the yardwork you didn't do last weekend and all the meat and beverages you consumed. Don't worry. You've got 48 hours to try to atone for your sloth last weekend.

So what do you do? Well, I'd start with a very special episode of Blossom. That's right. Mayim Bialik better known as Blossom is going to be on What Not to Wear. Wonder if they can time travel so they can repair her wardrobe from 20 years ago?

I don't remember when all those 80's sitcoms started to do the Very Special Episodes. It's like they all just decided, "Hey, shouldn't we be shoving some kind of life lesson down our young viewers throats?" That made all the money the tv types were spending on coke seem much less evil to themselves.

Just off the top of my head the Very Special Episodes I can remember are:

• child molestation on Diff'rent Strokes
• alcoholism on Family Ties (a two parter with Tom Hanks no less)
• sexual assault on Facts of Life
• Alyssa Milano finally hitting puberty on Who's the Boss

Nothing says 22 minutes of comedy like molestation, alcoholism and assault. Boring educational value added to what would otherwise be an almost entirely entertaining program. That's why they just started to use the old Wheel of Morality with the Animaniacs.

I'm sure there are more Very Special Episodes. But those are enough of an appetite suppressant for me. Anybody remember any others? Best Week Ever does a lot better job of this than I could anyway.

To work off all that mindless tv, go get some exercise. Luckily for the Wife and I, were going to participate in an Organized Pet Activity this weekend. I know. We're going to Strut our Mutt. Well, mutts. I wonder what the over and under for chaos is at the event.

I'm figuring there's a chance for:

• dog fight
• poop incident
• leash break and/or escape
• refusal to Strut
• barking, jumping, peeing on strangers (both hounds are a triple threat)

And organized dog activities? It's probably only a matter of time before we're screaming at a hotel manager about a lost Busy Bee.

Luckily, after organized dog walking, there's NHL Finals on both Saturday and Sunday. Bless you NBC for moving the games up. Just hope the results are a repeat of last year.

Enjoy the weekend, kids.

Year of the Cat

Man, I don't know what's been going on around here. That's probably because everything is hazy from all that meat and lack of sleep.

You can only take so many of those late night attorney recruitment tv adverts for the "working men" who were lucky enough to get mesothelioma or black lung or a slip and fall one of those other lucrative yet medically difficult to disprove diseases.

But when I heard about Flying Kitties, panic ensued.

I'm still terrified of the Flying Monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. And that was when I was eight.

Once there are tabbies taking to the wild blue yonder, the Animal Conspiracy will be in full swing. Those recon squirrels will seem like a long lost brother when the animals have air superiority thanks to their platoons of Sky Kitties. And will a squad of Siamese cats, yell "Purra Purra Purra" when they dive bomb us?

At least they'll be less bird poop on cars.

Now I gotta go start planting some catnip. It's our only defense.

Shining Star

Whew, I may still be all loagy from all that meat. But it's a good kind of loagy.

Which is probably a bit different from this guy's loagy. Over in England, Tony Alleyne has been converting his apartment into the deck of the Enterprise. No, not the Space Shuttle Enterprise. The Starship Enterprise.

See after Tony got divorced, he began his "therapeutic hobby" of converting his apartment into a fictional piece of a fictional ship. And his ex-wife still owns the apartment. I know what you're thinking. First, he's available, ladies! Second, that's got to cut down on your re-sale value. Even if you can just beam your garbage down to the bin instead of taking it out.

I'm sure once you can get Tony to put down his netbooks reader that he pretends is a tri-corder and his kitty that he's named Tribble, Tony is a very nice guy. Just ask him, because it's the quote of the story:

"I have given up absolutely everything. Some people might think I'm a bit of a sad individual but I'm not. I'm just really into Star Trek - it's really my only vice in life.”

Trek as his only vice. Well, that and the chronic masturbation of course.

Now I'll confess to enjoying Star Trek. The Wrath of Khan is one of the more entertaining movies I've seen. If it's on cable, I'll get sucked in. Once you get past Shatner's scene chewing (at 1:50 into the clip) of course. Which may even be outdone by Ricardo Montalban's prosthetic chest.

To this day I have to resist the urge to yell "Khaaaaaaannnnn!" at the top of my lungs whenever I'm at the DMV.

And I'll eventually get to the new flick.

But the Wife is skeptical at best about all things Trek. But once she sees how the basement is finished to look like the transporter room, I'm sure she'll come around.

We Got the Meat?

(with apologies to the GoGo's)

There's something wrong with me. Something very, very wrong. No, not my fascination with boobies and stupid stuff. That's normal. Normal, I tell you.

It happens when I go to the butcher store.

This is an Occasion. Note the cap O. Because the real, live butcher store is across town. So it's a planned event. And because it's not an everyday happening like just stopping by the Sprawl-Mart or Try-N-Save, it somehow seems special.

Special in being able to ask a white-apron-bedecked man questions about his meat. Yes, that just sounds dirty. It's not, you pre-verts.

And because this weekend is a good one (extra days for grilling, smoking, beer-drinking, back porch philosophizing), we'll be doing some extra meating around these here parts.

Here's what is currently on tap:

• Pork Shoulder (currently cooking in the Crock Pot 'O Doom with about a cup of apple cider and some sea salt; it's just for tonight--no biggie)
• Beer Can Chicken (two of these bad boys will go in the Big Green Egg for some smoking)
• Porterhouse Steaks (these will get grilled on the regular ole propane grill. Probably on Sunday as they're currently marinating in some red wine with whole peppercorns and Italian seasoning)
• Baby Back Ribs (one rack currently rubbed with some of Billy Bones rub; the other is marinating in some teriyaki. Both will get smoked for a few hours, wrapped in foil and then finished on the propane grill)
• Lamb Shanks (these look like lil baby t-bone steaks. I love grilled lamb. These are small so may either get thrown on the smoker in some stray space and used as an appetizer or grilled by there own selves. Currently in the same marinade as the Porties)
• Sun-Dried Tomato & Chicken Sausage (these will get smoked on the Egg. I cram them in where there's room and then use the snausage in a pasta sauce during the week. Or maybe I sneak one when I'm outside with a stick and beer while I "supervise" the outdoor cooking demonstration)
• Bratwurst (same as the chicken snausage above)

See what I mean about a problem? There's no way all this gets cooked and eaten this weekend. And we'll have to run the dogs in the morning or they'll smell all that meat cooking and turn on me and start gnawing on my face when they figure out it's not for them.

Oh, and the only side I've got done is some pasta salad already chilling in the fridge. There's also some random talk of either baked or twice-baked spuds. Maybe a fruit salad if I'm feeling saucy.

But you've got to admit. Too much meat is a good problem to have.

What are you up to this weekend? Whatever it is, hope ya'll have a good Memorial Day, kids.

Double Shot (of My Baby's Love)

Viva la revolucion! We have prevailed! Well not we, per se, as I was off being a slackass in San Diego when all this was going on. But you get the point. Or maybe you don't. Let's start at the beginning. Yes, I know, a very good place to start. Shut it.

Some women in England were complaining that Marks & Spencer had been charging higher prices for bras that were bigger.

I know! How long has this been going on? Except maybe at Target or Land's End or any other store in the world that gouges you 2$ for the XXL size that lets you feel skinny again.

Anyway, Marks & Spencer was charging an extra $3 for any bra that was size DD or larger. So some full-figured gals started a group called Busts 4 Justice on Facebook. I'm sure a group of large-breasted women had a lot of trouble making some friends or getting any attention on the internet. Why I just did a Google search on the internet for big breasts, and I couldn't find anything.

Anyhoo, Marks & Spencer couldn't stand all the hullaballoo and scrutiny and Facebooking and free public relations, so they caved in and big breasted women can now get their bras at the same price as non-big breasted women. You can have my big bra when you pry it from my cold, dead hand. That's still second base unless a lot has changed since I was younger. And it has.

Quote of the story: "They didn't want a lot of big-breasted women storming their meeting."

Yeah, I think we can all agree that Mssrs. Marks & Spencer would have hated that. "Quick, big-breasted women are attempting to storm our meeting. Bar the doors! We don't want to let any big-breasted women in here."

It's just good to see that big-breasted women are taking this important step forward. Because women with big breasts have been oppressed for so long. Never being able to get parts in movies or get men to pay attention to them or get out of a traffic ticket. I'm sure all the small-breasted women are just as excited that big-breasted women are finally getting their equal treatment.

Now I've got to get to my Cleavacious sales presentation for Mr. Marks and Mr. Spencer.

If I Could Talk to the Animals

Still basking in the afterglow of Diego. So nice, so warm, so beachy. I may just have to turn on the sprinklers and enjoy the spray of secondary use water on my face to recall strolling along the beach.

And for the oddly curious, no, we didn't not purchase any travel insurance or even any travel insurance online. We have in the past but didn't this time as it was just a short trip. But then you're talking about people who got married in Jamaica during hurricane season. So we're the type of peeps who like to live on the edge.

Pix are up btw. Loading took a seriously long time. Still not organized well, but they're all there in one shape or another. I need to pull some highlights methinks.

If anyone knows of a better pix service, let me know. I've maxed out Flickr and am too lame to pay for more storage. That's why junk is up at My Picturetown which I'd never even heard of before the Wife scored the new Nikon. Which is supposed to be hers, but I have to take all the pix and do all the uploading and learn how to use. Just in case anyone ever wondered who the brains of the operations was.

Like The Man In the Pink Pants:

Sure that name isn't real creative, but what do you see?

Yes, there's a lot going on there. And that's right from the balcony. It's kind of cool to be able to just sit on the patio and watch the show stroll buy. It was like my own little version of Mulberry Street.

Don't miss out on the purse/carryall and the shades. And the apparently completly random standing in the street. Just waiting. For something. Which never came.

And Our "Pantsy:"

We're not sure why he didn't roll up those pants. Too cool? Can't be bothered? Too time consuming?

And it's probably not too surprising that both of these individuals were suspiciously elsewhere when the cops showed.

There was also a crazy lady who would periodically get into an argument with her shoe. Seriously, she'd take it off, set it on the sidewalk and start yelling at it. But I thought pix of that was just a bit too much even for me.

Just in case you think I only took pix of scary stuff in SD, here's a lil bon motte for you.

But who needs a Panda when you've got the same shot in your backyard anytime you want it?

Which one looks more mischevious though?

And don't worry, someone's probably cranky about having to pick up that Panda poo as well. It's not all sunshine and rainbows at the Zoo. They won't let you pet the lioness not matter how nicely you ask.

And that Panda poo is quite a load. Don't just take my word for it.

Beach Bound

Well, we're back. A week in Paradise. Those poor people. No, I'm not talking about having to endure the Padres. It's that same, boring, terrible, perfect weather every day. 72 and sunny. How does the weatherman keep from blowing his brains out?

Hit the major highlights: Zoo, Wilderness Park, da beaches, nice restaurants. And what a treat just to be able to walk to good stuff instead of having to drive all over the Valley when you want to go somewhere. Pix will follow in some type of organization. They're still uploading as we speak, type, or whatever.

That's not to say there wasn't any excitement on the excursion. We did get to see a real live, beach-type bust.

These two gentlemen pulled up one afternoon while we taking a bit of a beverage break on our veranda.

Then they proceeded around the corner where we couldn't see them anymore. Rather than actually get up to see what might be going on, it was much more fun to guess what might be the reason the cops were on patrol: purse snatching, armed robbery, dope distribution, unleashed dog, failure to recycle, undertipping, smoking in public, lop-sided implant exposure, placebo ephedra pills distribution, or wave encroachment. You know the usual crime sprees in California.

But it turned out to be much, much worse.

Yup, operation of a motorized vehicle on the beach walkway. Scofflaw! The SDPD always gets their man.

Even when they've got to pursue his minibike on foot.

Way to go, men. Keeping the streets, er, boardwalks safe for old people everywhere.

What My Momma Told Me

Bless you, Junior Wells.

I think I love this because it's completely inappropriate and completely true. The best of both worlds if you will. And Mom would.




Enjoy the day, Mom's everywhere.

Kiss Me Kate

Man, these guys rock. They're the Silver Brazilians and I've got to thank Little Steven for introducing me.




Too bad that Kate will never appear on this blog now. Because we were so close until now.

Enjoy the weekend, kids. I'm headed out. See ya in a week or so. You're on your own for boobie jokes and boring dog stories till then.

Dr. Feelgood

I have always thought Drew Carey was funny. Not just because he's overweight and from Ohio (although I'll grant you that this pre-disposes me to like him).

But if you don't think this is funny, you need to find a tall, tall building.



Ladies, would you ever go to a gynecologist named Dr. Bummer? Even if he was hopelessly optimistic?

I would have guessed he'd be a proctologist.

Fifth of Beethoven

Enjoy the marketing weasel made up faux holiday driven by the liquor companies, kids.

Wish I could say it better than the geniuses at someecards. But I can't.

Cinco de Mayo (and shouldn't all our holidays just be named after the date? So much simpler) is a Mexican celebration of a battle victory over the French.

I think we can all agree that defeating the French is something to be celebrated. No one has managed to defeat them before. Good thing Germany doesn't take this approach or there would be no Mercedes Benz.

Happy

I don't want to say this weekend sucked. So I won't say that. I'll just look at the glass as only half full. Of something I didn't order.

I had famdamily in town: Big Bother and his wife aka Drama Queen. I don't want to say his wife is high maintenance, but when we went to San Antonio, she fell into the Riverwalk and spent the next two days using a cane that we bought at the mall downtown. Always some drama with that mama. So we were stuck with two planned family meals. One at my parents and one at our Shaque D'Amour.

And unfortunately, we also had the Canine Good Citizen test for the Hounds from Hell. This class ran for two months and is the prep class before you can get your pooch into being a Therapy Dog. I figuring this is a good way for the G-man to chew on some old people other than my parents.

By this point, we've got the Saturday routine thing down pretty well. Some quick public mastication of pork products and then off to the dog park to run the hounds until they drop. We've found that the dogs respond to training better if they're a little fatigues. Ideally, I like Tiki to be completely unconscious. That's when he's best behaved. Well because it poured all weekend and in my old age I've grown fussy about standing in the rain and throwing a ball for someone who doesn't want to bring it back and only wants to be chased, the wee ones didn't get their accustomed 90 mins of running in. Couple that with all the top weight loss pills he got into and he had an excess of energy.

There were a total of 5 dogs taking the test. And Tiki had to go last. Now, sitting quietly isn't exactly his strong point on his best days. Chewing on his brother, chasing anything that moves and looking adorable (while being secretly evil inside) are more of his strong points. So getting to watch other dogs run around while being told to sit quietly didn't go over well with the Tiki Monster.

And I don't want to say that Tiki failed his test so much as he gave it the Puppy Paw finger. Not only wouldn't he let the test handler come near him, but he pissed in the exam room. Twice. Nicely done. This is something he hasn't done at home for at least 6 months. So it's fair to say he really not that into the test. Oh, well. We'll try again in a while.

But at least something gave me heart this weekend.

It's always great to know that one of the most beautiful women in the world absolutely sucks at something. None of us is perfect. We all have different strengths. Whether it's obedience or looking adorable or singing. This kind of thing reminds me of a scene in The Rachel Papers where Ione Skye is doing her make up while singing completely tunelessly and throwing cotton balls on the floor while the garbage basket is literally right beside her. No matter how perfect someone looks, there's going to be something about them that would drive you up the wall.

So with that introduction, I give you Denise Richards at a Cubs game.



Who doesn't know all the words to Take Me Out to the Ballgame? Wow.

Bet she doesn't like to sit quietly either.

Detroit Rock City

Okay, Cleveland. Now you're just being mean.

It wasn't bad enough that the Cavs had to beat the hell out of the Pistons in the first round of the playoffs.

And I'd really be mad if anything in this weren't true.

You Don't Tug on Superman's Cape

How 'bout some happy news to finish off the week, kids?
If you're in the Midwest and walking the streets of Cincinnati, never fear. Because Shadow Hare is on patrol keeping you safe.

Oh sure, he just looks like a dweeb in a black outfit. But don't be fooled. That's just his clever ploy to lure unbelieving ne'er-do-wells into a false sense of security. In actuality, he's a 21 year old man from Milford, Ohio.

Luckily, people are taking this vigilantism seriously. It's not like the local news is exploiting it for cheap publicity.

Oh, wait. They are.



In fact, it's a three part series. Hey, at least it's not news about the swine flu.

Of course, Shadow Hare has a secret identity. That's to protect his family members from the schemes of an Evil Genius. And to keep people from hassling him in their basement.

According to Mr. Hare, he's part of a nationwide network of superheroes known as the Allegiance of Heroes. Best headline? From Topless Robot: Allegiance of Heroes Fights Crime, Dignity.

A hare? Are you kidding me? Who's afraid of a bunny? That's not going to strike fear into the hearts of evil doers. And even though they are a suspicious and cowardly lot, your Bunny Signal isn't going to cut it.

For a crime fighter in Cincy, may I suggest the following:

• Chili Man (he's famous, but only in the Midwest)
• The Queen (it is the Queen City after all)
• Red Man (not the tobacco, just his socks for the baseball team)
• Marvin Lewis (hey, he's been fighting crime against his football team for quite some time)
• Proctor & Gamble Boy (it's their corporate hq)
• Carew Tower Titan
• Dr. Johnny Fever
• Krogerman (another corp hq)

I'm sure you may have others. Feel free to play along at home.

And it's not like crime fighting is without it's risks. According to Shadow Hare, he once dislocated his shoulder when foiling an attack on a woman. And I'm guessing he also got kicked in the nuts when he asked for the woman's phone number.

We kid because we care, Shadow Hare. God speed. With great power comes great responsibility. And at 5 feet 7 inches tall, you're going to have a lot of responsibility. Hope you can run fast.

Rockin’ Pneumonia And The Boogie-Woogie Flu

Is anyone else tired of hearing about Swine Flu?

I'm still pissy about having to do a bunch of work on SARS communication plans at one of my prior jobs. What a complete waste of time? Guess what, kids? People get sick and get the flu all the time. And because the media doesn't understand science, they use fearmongering and panic to get you to watch the news.

Guess the headline "Thousand Die From Regular Flu Anyway" isn't quite as eye catching.

Did we say 150 people died from Swine Flu? We meant 7. Thanks World Health Organization. You're better off getting your medical advice from Pete Townsend. Just don't let him borrow your computer. It might at least be a little entertaining had we not already done this before.

I wish I could say it as well as Drew, the guy from Fark:

Here's why you shouldn't panic:

- The Mexican Government estimates that 86 people (or more) have died from Swine Flu. Okay, that's tragic. But why the hell are we taking their numbers at face value? For starters, if you read the fine print the death numbers being tossed around are estimates. There are 18 confirmed deaths so far. Which ain't awesome, but it's a damn sight better than a hundred.

- In quite a few articles I've read, I've seen statements to the effect of researchers aren't sure why the cases in the US and Canada appear to be milder than the ones in Mexico and none have resulted in death. I know we'd all like to pretend that Mexico has its act together, but last time I checked Mexico was a third world country with third world healthcare. Do the math.

- Speaking of no one having died in the US and Canada, not only has no one in a first world country died from Swine Flu yet, but so far no one's even rumored to be in danger of dying. And most of the confirmed cases got better on their own after a few days at home. EVERYBODY PANIC

- It is no doubt a source of great disappointment to MSM that they can't add that Swine Flu is "drug resistant" or "there's no known cure". Because it's neither, it responds to Tamiflu and other treatments. Yes, I realize there are distribution hurdles in the event of a huge outbreak, but currently it's not an issue and I don't expect it will become one.

PS: if anyone is offended by my portrayal of the Mexican Government and their suckasstic healthcare system as a bunch of 3rd world incompetent boobs, which they are, you'll get over it.

You won't see this discussion in MSM because, as humans, we're primed to act on fear. It's human nature. MSM is a reflection of what people are reacting to, not a reflection of what's actually going on in the world. People click the hell out of fearmongering articles, so MSM keeps running them. That, and no MSM outlet wants to be the guys who "didn't see it coming". Buncha pansies.

The problem with making fun of MSM pandemic reporting is that eventually there's going to be a pandemic. You don't have to be Nostradamus to make that call, it's as likely as War, Famine, Taxes, and me drinking beer after dinner (or during). So, although I put myself at risk of contracting "Long Term Idiot Stigma" by saying it, let me be the first to tell you this ain't the big one.

Don't Panic.

Frankly, until this starts to impact bacon production or the basketball playoffs, I'm just going to ignore it.

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me

Just think. In a few short hours, the Detroit Lions will ruin a young man's life.



Somewhere Joey Harrington is still in a fetal position rocking back and forth and whispering "The horror, the horror."



If only the Onion didn't hit it right on the head.

Report: Lions To Use No. 1 Pick In NFL Draft On Ryan Leaf

But then they could have pretty much gone with any Lions quarterback since Erik Kramer for this joke. And just off the top of my head that list includes: Andre Ware, Chuck Long, the previously mentioned My Pal Joey, Scott Mitchell, Rodney Peete. I'm sure there are others.

But seriously, kids. If you're sitting around today and find yourself watching the draft, you may need a support group. Or at the very least two dogs who want to go outside and run around until they're about to drop. And then run around for at least a half hour more. Give me a call, I'll let you have them for a few hours. Think of them as an exercise machine with fur.

This Land is My Land

Okay, first of all, I'm allowed to make fun of Ohio because I was born there. As my crazy cousin puts it, Ohio is a great place to grow up then get the hell out."

And this video for Cleveland is in no way inspired by the Cavaliers absolutely kicking the hell out of the Pistons in the playoffs this year. That Billups for Iverson trade certainly worked out for everyone involved. Enjoy your trophy, Lebron. I'm rooting for you a lot more than I am for Kobe. But then I guess I have a bit of a problem with rapists going free. I haven't forgotten, Kobe, even if Laker fans have. Hey, I may bring a pair of women's panties to Sunday's game and try to throw them on the court when you get introduced.

Okay, enough of my Kobe rant. Back to Cleveland, kids. Book your plane tix now.



There really is a lot to do in Cleveland. The Tribe, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and chicken wing places. Or the tour of the Christmas Story home.

But I'm still laughing my ass off at this vid.

Shake Rattle and Roll

If you're lucky enough to be near Chicago today, hope you're having fun. Because it's Talk Like Shakespeare Day. I'm sure this won't get old at all. Just like Talking Like a Pirate.

I know, it always sneaks up on you. Barely time enough to buy all the presents and get the tree up. Make sure you take the time out to take the kids to the parade and sit on Bill's lap. Some traditions have to endure. Just like the Dude.

Luckily, Chicago has everything else taken care of so they can go ahead and focus on Sweet William's words of wisdom. Which probably means that the Bleacher Creatures will be chanting "Thou Sucketh" to the opposing team at Wrigley.

Granted most everyone knows about Shakespeare is what they learned from the musical Hamlet episode of Gilligan's Island or Atomic Shakespeare on Moonlighting. But some of us were lucky enough to get the Bard shoved down our throats quite a bit. That only sounds dirty. But it comes in handy all the time.

Can you imagine anything more romantic than getting down on a knee, pulling out one of those flashy engagement rings and using a couplet or three to propose to your prospective proposee?

Canst thou seeth love in my life
If thou consent to be my wife?
If problems come, twill not matter
Ere we stay in iambic pentameter.

I'm telling you guys, Niagra Falls. And the Canadian side, where it looks bigger.

So when someone cuts you off today on the Dan Ryan, don't give them the finger. Simply roll down the window and give them a Shakespearean Insult:

"Thou ungrateful Turk! Thou whey faced loon!"

Enjoy the day, kids.

Hope you're not one of those ancillary characters who gets stuck with all the exposition.

Viva Las Vegas

Let's get one thing out of the way at the start. Curse you Viagra. Thanks for taking the only song Elvis ever wrote and turning it into an erectile dysfunction commercial. Eff you, strong letter to follow. Now I can't ever hear Viva Las Vegas without immediately getting a mental image of your hipster doofus band jam of fallow tallywackers sitting around singing about their junk. And how it doesn't work without a pill. Ah, spontaneous romance through better chemistry.



And while I greatly appreciate [F]oxymoron's comment that live blogging whilst gambling would make for great reading,


that would simply have taken more industry, technology and sobriety of which I was able.

Instead, I present to you inane and insightful (sometimes both at the same time) ramblings scribbled upon cocktail napkins, betting slips and those cards for the women they try to force on you as you roam The Strip.

-- I'm playing a little game I call Douchebag and Hoor. See if you can find this couple in your town!

-- The Imperial Palace is really showing it's age. And that's just the cocktail waitresses! Hiyo. I'm here all week. No wait, just for another two days.

-- $6 for a bottle of Miller Lite!? Steve Wynn can lick my taint. If I have to pay minibar prices at the main bar, I'm going to drink in my underwear just like if I was in my overpriced Encore room.

-- If you're a celebrity impersonator and you actually have to wear a name tag telling people which celebrity you're supposed to be, you might want to work on your card dealing skills.

-- 4 Sixes! WooT!

-- There is no way the Utah Spazz stay within 12 points of the Lakers.

-- Why does Mac King have Monday off? Now I have to drink and keep gambling. Damn.

-- The Star Trek slot machine did not boldly go where no man had gone before. It did, however, beam up $20 much too quickly.

-- A scroungy looking guy came up to me and asked for money for a bus ticket. I asked how I could know he wouldn't just take $20 and go gamble with it. His answer? "Oh, I got gambling money."

-- Drinking your way down the strip is a good way to lose weight.

-- Lakers 113, Spazz 100. Thank you for the $, Kobe.

-- I just bought the Wife a monkey. He looks housebroken.

-- $10 to look at Ferrari parts? No wonder, Wynn is loaded. Good money if you can make it I guess.

-- Why is the stupid horse racing game only at the MGM grand? Even more depressing, I'm good at it.

-- I'm a sucker for long shots? 200 to 1? I'm in for a buck.

-- Nine a.m. is not too early for a hot dog. A real Vienna hot dog at that.

-- Damn. I'm going to miss Brittney's concert. Well, I'm not really going to miss it.

-- Three shrimp is really not enough for an appetizer, Emeril. Is it bad form to order 4 of these at a time?

-- I used to T.A. a stat class for God's sakes. Why can't I win any money at craps today?

-- It's really sad that all the money I won was playing the Star Wars penny slot machine. Even more depressing is that the Japanese tour group had gathered around to watch me destroy the Death Star. Yes, the Force is strong with this one.

-- $300 bucks in pennies would be pretty funny to carry around. In a wheelbarrow up and down the Strip.

-- The Tequila Goddess should really be able to summon tequila from her nipples. Just saying.

-- If there's anything funnier than sneaking into the midst of a Japanese tourist group and doing your Godzilla impression, I don't know what it is. Why don't they stampede like in the movies?

-- Is this pool warm from the oppressive sun or the swim up black jack table?

-- I'm up at 4:00 am because I woke up. Those people at the bar are up at 4:00 am because they're still up.

-- There's a guy asleep in the hall in front of the door next to mine. And he's wearing a sports coat. Stay classy, Vegas!

-- This drive home is a lot longer than the drive down. Luckily thinking about all this bootleg liquor bought in Nevada and avoiding the oppressive Utah tax code makes it a happy drive.



That's it, kids. I'm out of cocktail napkins. Happy Earth Day!

Ramblin' Gamblin' Man

It's Vegas, baby. Yes, my crazy cousin and I are meeting up in Sin City for a few days.

To make sure we can stand each other, he's taking golf lessons while I'm lounging at the pool.

And hopefully not the swim up black jack tables. Watch those guys playing some time. Notice how they never take a break. Ewww. Guess that explains why the water is so warm.

I'll probably just take all my money and put in on the Lions to win the Super Bowl. That's sure to be some long odds. Which also aren't long enough no matter how high they are.

The key to gambling in Vegas is to take Lewis Black's advice. Get a roll of quarters and go up to your hotel room. Open the quarters and start flushing them one at a time down your toilet. When it finally backs up, you're a winner.

Personally, I like to either imitate Vegas Vic's arm motion while yelling "Lose your money here" immediately upon entering a casino. That or yell "Listen to all those winners." But since they've replaced the coins with slips of paper, casinos don't have the same auditory ambiance that they used to.

Now pity me the 5 hour drive across the Utah desert. At least we're done with the snow for now. But I'm still taking my scraper.

Later, kids.