Rockin’ Pneumonia And The Boogie-Woogie Flu

Is anyone else tired of hearing about Swine Flu?

I'm still pissy about having to do a bunch of work on SARS communication plans at one of my prior jobs. What a complete waste of time? Guess what, kids? People get sick and get the flu all the time. And because the media doesn't understand science, they use fearmongering and panic to get you to watch the news.

Guess the headline "Thousand Die From Regular Flu Anyway" isn't quite as eye catching.

Did we say 150 people died from Swine Flu? We meant 7. Thanks World Health Organization. You're better off getting your medical advice from Pete Townsend. Just don't let him borrow your computer. It might at least be a little entertaining had we not already done this before.

I wish I could say it as well as Drew, the guy from Fark:

Here's why you shouldn't panic:

- The Mexican Government estimates that 86 people (or more) have died from Swine Flu. Okay, that's tragic. But why the hell are we taking their numbers at face value? For starters, if you read the fine print the death numbers being tossed around are estimates. There are 18 confirmed deaths so far. Which ain't awesome, but it's a damn sight better than a hundred.

- In quite a few articles I've read, I've seen statements to the effect of researchers aren't sure why the cases in the US and Canada appear to be milder than the ones in Mexico and none have resulted in death. I know we'd all like to pretend that Mexico has its act together, but last time I checked Mexico was a third world country with third world healthcare. Do the math.

- Speaking of no one having died in the US and Canada, not only has no one in a first world country died from Swine Flu yet, but so far no one's even rumored to be in danger of dying. And most of the confirmed cases got better on their own after a few days at home. EVERYBODY PANIC

- It is no doubt a source of great disappointment to MSM that they can't add that Swine Flu is "drug resistant" or "there's no known cure". Because it's neither, it responds to Tamiflu and other treatments. Yes, I realize there are distribution hurdles in the event of a huge outbreak, but currently it's not an issue and I don't expect it will become one.

PS: if anyone is offended by my portrayal of the Mexican Government and their suckasstic healthcare system as a bunch of 3rd world incompetent boobs, which they are, you'll get over it.

You won't see this discussion in MSM because, as humans, we're primed to act on fear. It's human nature. MSM is a reflection of what people are reacting to, not a reflection of what's actually going on in the world. People click the hell out of fearmongering articles, so MSM keeps running them. That, and no MSM outlet wants to be the guys who "didn't see it coming". Buncha pansies.

The problem with making fun of MSM pandemic reporting is that eventually there's going to be a pandemic. You don't have to be Nostradamus to make that call, it's as likely as War, Famine, Taxes, and me drinking beer after dinner (or during). So, although I put myself at risk of contracting "Long Term Idiot Stigma" by saying it, let me be the first to tell you this ain't the big one.

Don't Panic.

Frankly, until this starts to impact bacon production or the basketball playoffs, I'm just going to ignore it.

Breakfast In America

I love going out to breakfast. It probably stems from my inability to time everything required for an in home breakfast to come out in anything other than a successive wave of food. Toast, eggs, potatoes at the same time? Forget about it. That's beyond my culinary skillz.

And I love going out for breaky despite our long running national battle with The Bacon Shortage. I mean, there must be a shortage. How else can you explain only getting 2 pieces of bacon at a time? We're rationing.

And Easter breakfast is especially good.

Because I get to use my favorite joke of the year when the waitress asks me how I want my eggs:

"Easter. And can you hide them from me?"

Even better, this never gets anything other than a confused look from her. It's like a law. A powerful federal law. Not one of those wimpy little state laws.

Now I've got to finish my omelet before I go get another one.

Anything by The Allan Parsons Project

I'm not sure why today seems just a tad....off. Maybe it was the Midnight Puppy Patrol Pukefest that put me off my center of being.

Or maybe it's all the hype surrounding the game tomorrow.

Or maybe I'm just feeling freaky because it's actually quiet in the house. Wife off to get her hair done. Pups wiped out from the dog park and are actually quietly asleep dreaming about romping in a field of bacon.

Which gives me to much time to think about what I should do with my life. Besides crack wise here of course. This is what happens when there's no football on and no college hoops I care about on tv. Curses.

Does anyone out there have an online project management certificate?

I was thinking about going back to school for a bit. At least until Barack hires me to be the First Dog Wrangler. You know how this always works out. You fill out all the paperwork for the background check on your Dog Wrangling skills, then it takes forever for the Committee on Government Sinecures to get around to you.

I'm good at Project Management. It's probably my inherent ability to enjoy telling other people what to do. And it's a nice mid-point until I become Benevolent Dictator for Life. Hey, Castro has to kick one of these days and Raoul isn't getting any younger.

But is the certificate more valuable than just being able to point to all the projects you've already run? Getting an IT project isn't rocket science in my book. Just double all the time estimates they give you. At one of my old employers, the IT project methodology was extremely painful. And more than 50% of the time, the estimates were off by more than 100%. You may as well have flipped a coin for that kind of accuracy.

Anyway, advice is always welcome.

Anarchy in the UK

Sorry about the title kids. It's the only thing on my iPod that I could come up with from The Alarm.

Anyway, we scored one of those swell, new, jim dandy, home security systems recently. This despite the recent statistic in the paper here that one in 25 people roaming our streets out here are packing heat. Yes, 4% of our population has an undercover gun permit. So when you combine that with the statistic that 25% of our populace has some form of mental illness, it makes for good times. No wonder we have gun shows out here. That's just good marketing. Although I can't really disagree with the latest road rage incident we had. It involved the freeway, some gunplay and someone texting. I completely understand.

The best thing is that we got the ADT system for free. They were just wandering by and throwing them at people. That's because the monitoring service is where you really get your value.

If the alarm goes off, the local police get a little ring a ding ding and they send someone over to ask why you can't remember your own access code. Because there's nothing better than explaining your memoric failings to The Man.

I wasn't initially in favor of the new alarm. But then the Wife (aka The Brains of the Operation) pointed out to me that our current alarm system based upon the fuzzy, hairy, biting platform would probably be too busy eating their giant rawhide candy cane (instead of each other for a change) to actually defend the house. That and they'd rather bark at harmless passersby or the doorbells they hear on tv. And if an intruder ever had bacon, forget about it. All three of us would fall for that one.

It does seem like alarm systems have come a long way. I remember my parents having one. It would go off when the paper boy threw the morning delivery and it hit the door. Wow, there's nothing like waking up to 130 decibels of electronic screech. That's better than any snooze alarm.

Now I've just got to remember to turn off the alarm before I let the whizzers out in the morning. I'm sure both the local police and my neighbors would appreciate that in the future. Sorry. I'm not really awake until the Diet Coke has kicked in and I've had time to process the ESPN ticker scores. So you can thank me for getting your week off to an exciting start.

Anything By the Bacon Brothers

I don't mean to torment you, but after putting up with snow so early in the year. It reminded me of some of my most excellent Halloween memories in Michigan.

Like that time I dressed up as Spiderman. With a parka. Or that time I dressed up as a Ninja. With a parka. Or Batman. With a parka. I'm sure you see the connection. Yeah, I'm looking forward to lots of little Jokers trick or treating at my house in just a few weeks. With their parkas.

So after taking the hounds to a park (turns out we have two snow dogs), the Wife and I just hunkered down on Sunday with our favorite treat--bacon.

Now I don't know when bacon went all hoity toity. But the folks over at Cook's Illustrated actually sampled 8 different kinds of bacon to determine which was the best.

Here's the vid if you're not a reader.



I'd like to officially submit my bacon-eater extraordinaire resume to the fine folks at Cook's Illustrated.

Now I'll confess that while I have the palate of a gourmand, I've never heard of these bacon brands:

• Vande Rose Farms Artisan Dry-Cured Bacon, Applewood Smoked
• Nodine’s Smokehouse Apple Smoke Flavored Bacon Applegate Farms Natural Uncured Sunday Bacon (can you eat this on a Saturday?)
• Farmland/Carando Apple Cider Cured Bacon, Applewood Smoked
• Oscar’s Smoke House Applewood Smoked Bacon
• North Country Smokehouse Applewood Smoked Bacon (you know what the North Country is in Michigan? Canada)
• Niman Ranch Applewood Smoked Dry-Cured Bacon (of what was it cured? Trichinosis)
• Nueske’s Applewood Smoked Bacon

The Marketing Weasels who work for the All Powerful Bacon Lobby must think we really fall for that apple crap when they slap it on the bacon package.

Anyhow, the Cook's Illustrated cats rates all the bacon. Personally, I'm against bacon rating. It's all good. The key is serving more than 2 pieces at a time frankly. Why else do you think it comes in 1 pound packages?

I must not be brand loyal to a particular type of bacon. Because I can't remember a brand I typically buy. Farmer Peet's kind of sticks in my head because I always felt sorry for his inability to spell. And that former Tiger Pitcher Denny McLain ran it into the ground and stole its pension fund.

What's your favorite kind of bacon?

Don't You (Forget About Me)

In Middletown, CT, there's a growing sense of chaos and anarchy at Middletown High School (home of the Blue Dragons).

It seems that 28 high school seniors had to be suspended for two days after they COOKED BREAKFAST ON SCHOOL GROUNDS! Luckily, Principal Robert Fontaine was able to quell the nascent riot before things got any more out of hand or the eggs had been cooked.

Quote of the story: "We didn't have beer, we didn't have weed, we had bacon."

Who knows what might have happened if these cafeteria criminals were allowed to serve their illicit pork products to the unsuspecting masses of freshmen at the school? Sure, the first piece of bacon is free. And then you're hooked. Soon you're freebasing smoked ham, craving omelettes at noon and skipping your acne treatments to blow the money on pancakes. This could even lead to inappropriate dancing! And jokingly calling them the Breakfast Club just exacerbates the problem. Don't try to use your mass media mind tricks on a tool of the educational system.

Well I for one defend the right of these students to assemble and use propane in public. What is our educational system coming to when lawfully assembling students are deprived of their right to life, liberty and breakfast meats. Especially bacon. Our founding fathers and mothers would lay down their life for a piece of hickory smoked bacon. Mmmmm, bacon.

As Patrick Henry famously declared, "Give me another piece of bacon or give me death!"

Godspeed young bacon rebels, godspeed. Fight the power. When bacon is outlawed only outlaws will have bacon. Rise up you patriots of pork products. Throw off the shackles of our horrible bacon rationing that limits us to two pieces per serving at most commercial establishments. You can have my bacon when you pry it from my cold dead hand.

Or if it's cooked too long. I hate that.

Let's just hope this isn't going to go on the permanent records of these high schoolers. Or maybe they'll all just attend the Culinary Institute and have the most kick ass tailgate parties ever.

Proud Mary

Consider this a cautionary tale. I tried something new recently. No, not Starbucks coffee or watching Monday Night Football with the sound on. No, I tried smoking a leg of lamb. It sucked.

I found a recipe online at Fearless Kitchen (I love that name) for Roasted Lamb with Pomegranate. And I've cooked lamb on the grill plenty of times. Usually just a lamb loin chop marinated in a little red wine with peppercorns and some garlic powder or Italian seasonings if I'm feeling saucy. But I had to try something new.

Luckily after a quest around the Salty City for a Middle Eastern Market, I was able to score some pomegranate molasses. This may be the only place here that has this rare and arcane ingredient. So I suggested to the proprietor that he only sell the bottles one at a time. Luckily due to the language barrier, he had no idea what I was saying.

But Pars is a wonderful market with various and sundry middle eastern products like pita bread (which you really can't find any decent pita at the grocery stores around here), Turkish music (lots of CD's and DVD's) and ladies hair removal products. Seriously, Pars has everything you need if you're a hirsute lady.

Anyway I followed the recipe, marinaded for a day, smoked for three hours and the lamb just turned out bleh. It tasted mushy to me. Maybe I've been spoiled with ribs and brisket and beer can chicken on the smoker, but I ate hardly any of the lamb and wound up tossing about 2/3 of it.

I don't know if I cooked it wrong or what. I had the butcher debone it (which only sounds dirty) and then I smoked it just kind of splayed out on the grill. I did not tie it up which may be where things went awry. Sorry there are no pictures of the lamb sitting restfully in a Ziploc bag for a day or the Big Green Egg commencing to smoke. I'll try to have my act in gear next time I try something like this.

So if you know anything about smoking a leg of lamb or even just cooking a leg of lamb, let me know.

In the meantime, I'll stick to beef. And bacon of course.

You Make Me Feel Like Dancing

It's happened. The first reason not to love Utah.

#1) Dancing Regulations

At Bountiful High School (home of the Braves), students aren't being allowed to get their freak on.

Fascists Administrators at the school are requiring student sign Dance Participation Regulations.

The Regulations outlaw "vulgar, seductive, or inappropriate movements." Guess the Ram Dance that made me so famous during high school is definitely out. If dancing isn't meant to be vulgar, seductive or inappropriate, how come the Solid Gold Dancers were so popular?

No grinding or freaking is allowed. Luckily, the regulations are silent about Slow Dancing Pup Tents. Which would be a great name for a rock and roll band by the way.

The Regs go on to prohibit clothing deemed too tight, short, low-cut or anything stationed lower than the shoulder blades. Really, clothing can never be too tight or low-cut.

Straps on dresses for formal dances must be at least two inches wide. Spaghetti straps are banned and sheer fabric is off-limits. Wow, my oh-so-petite date to the senior prom would have been 86'ed under these rules. Sandra, if you're out there, I hope you finally got those implants that would have boosted your self esteem. Some boys are fine with a B cup. I swear.

Off-limits for guys is any clothing deemed "slovenly" or worn "for protest, defiance, dissent, or displays obscene, illegal substances, or suggestive words or pictures. So leave your Buck Fush shirt at home, young man.

Banning dirty dancing? This is what we've got to be worried about? It's not like any of the kids from Bountiful are Vice Presidential Candidate Daughters or anything.

It's still a truism after all these years.

Did we learn nothing from Footloose?

Bless you Kevin Bacon, where ever you are.

I'm So Egg-cited

There's a new invention in town--bacon flavored vodka.

Now I love bacon. A food so good that you wrap other food in it according to Jim Gaffigan. But I typically confine my bacon mastication to the morning. Oh sure, there's the occasional bacon burger for lunch or a bacon-wrapped shrimp for an appetizer, and a bacon-wrapped filet for dinner. And sometimes I just make a little bacon moustache that I wear around the office to enjoy as a snack later.

I typically associate bacon with breakfast though. Which means a bacon vodka breakfast can't be far behind. Sure this might be good for game days. Watching through a bacon vodka fog is the only way to appreciate the nuances of the Detroit Lions offensive schemes. It's only a matter of time before I'm only employable at the Gap or some other soul crushing sales job so I'd better get working on those retail resumes.

And how good does a Bacon Bloody Mary sound? With a Slim Jim for the garnish!

There are people who even tell you how to make Bacon Vodka. Brownie Points must be up for Sainthood somewhere. The only flaw I can see in the recipe is that you fry the bacon and then have enough left over to actually put into the vodka.

Now I don't know about your nape of the woods, but there must be a bacon shortage. Because whenever I go to a restaurant and order bacon, there seems to be rationing going on. If I can score more than two lonely strips of bacon I'm amazed.

So whenever I make bacon at home, it often doesn't make it all the way to the table. I may fry 10 pieces, but only 6 get served. This is known as shrinkage. And it's going on in restaurants too. You're probably supposed to get four pieces of bacon with your eggs, but between the cook and the waitress, you wind up with two. Hey, it happens. Who can resist the siren's call of bacon? Especially when you combine it with sweet booze.

Now if they could only get the great taste of bacon into a toothpaste. . .

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

In Fresno, California, Antonio Vasquez was arrested for breaking into the home of two farm workers.

Oh, and he rubbed one with spices and hit the other one with an 8 inch sausage. That's not too crazy is it? And I thought pouring milk on a woman was fraught with imagery. That's got nothing on hitting a man with your sausage.

And what strikes me the most? This is a crime of premeditation. You're not just roaming around with spices and an 8 inch sausage and suddenly decide it's time for a little second story action.

I wonder what kind of spice it was? Mandrake? Mexican Pepperleaf? Italian Seasoning? Sorry that's all I got for bad puns for that one.

I wonder if Antonio had just rented Alive?

Can't wait to see what kind of traffic I get for the search term 8 inch sausage.

What would you do if you suddenly woke up and found that someone had rubbed spice all over you and then was hitting you with an 8 inch sausage? Other than thanking sweet baby Jebus of course.

I mean you're not going to awaken from a deep slumber and instantly divine what's going on. Especially when what's going on is so freaking surreal. How long would it take you to realize you're the subject of a bratwurst beat down? A kielbasa ass kicking? A Johnsonville Jumping? A bologna bludgeoning? A frankfurter felony? A banger beating?

I'd like to see someone try to break into my house and beat me with bacon. Between the Wonder Dog and me, there's no way we sleep through that.

My Fair Lady

More State Fair Fun today kids!  This time it's from Texas.  Yes, you can stop clapping "Deep in the Heart of Texas" already.

So Texas has something called the Big Tex Choice Awards (wow, wonder how long it took them to come up with that name) where they pick the Best Fried Food at the fair.  You can read the whole boring story (including quotes from future angioplasty patients) at the Dallas Snooze.  

Here's the important part--the entries:

• Fried Banana Split
• Texas Fried Jelly Bellys
• Fire & Ice (a deep fried pineapple ring)
• Fried Chocolate Truffles
• Chocolate-Covered Strawberry Waffle Balls
• Deep Fried S'mores
• Chicken Fried Bacon
• Fernie's All-American Fried Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Mmmm, doesn't that make you want to have a great big deep fried s'more washed down with a warm orange soda with a long, hot walk on some pavement followed by a spin in the Tilt-a-Hurl.

Well I won't keep you in suspense.  The winner is......Chicken Fried Bacon!  Could anyone ever have doubted the power of bacon.  A food so good that (in the words of Jim Gaffigan) you wrap other food in to make it taste better.  Like you'd ever have tried a water chestnut without the power of bacon.

Yup, that's the winner over there.  Please try not to lick your computer screen.  All that drool is bad for the electronics.

But don't worry if you're not into Chicken Fried Bacon.  They also have a Corn Dog Eating Contest.  No word on whether you're allowed to use your hands or not. And mayonnaise.  Entries must be submitted by September 15th.  What are you waiting for?  Get cracking!

And remember, if you're eating your corn dog erotically, everyone's a winner.