Semi-Delayed Quote of the Week

Because I went to Vegas last week, there was no time to post. That would have just taken away from my money making. So here's the latest quote from an exchange that I witnessed at the Paris Casino when a hipster doofus threw the dice rather lamely down the table.

Pit Boss: [to the shooter] What's your name kid?
Hipster Doofus: Robert.
Pit Boss: Well, Bobby Vegas, make the dice hit the fucking back wall next time.

So for the rest of the trip a lot of people got called "Bobby Vegas" whenever they engaged in behavior that obviously marked them at now being too experienced at the whole gambling thing.

More tales later.

Quote of the Week

For a change it's not something stupid I said. It's super agent Drew Rosenhaus while appearing on HBO:

"It's OK for Tom Cruise to make $50 million for a movie. But a guy who risks his life can't get paid a decent wage?"
-- Drew Rosenhaus

Drew is TO's agent. Gosh, playing football equates to risking your life. And a 7 year deal worth 49 million bucks isn't a decent wage.

If TO is an assbag, Drew must be a dickclown.

Crush Men For $

I'm still trying to decide if this is sick, twisted, both or neither.

And to think I had all those ex-girlfriends crush my heart for absolutely free.

Man am I glad that I'm married and don't have to date anymore. Dating = a job interview with the threat of sex.

Another Epiphany

I've got an idea for the Candy King of America.

I don't advocate violence, but I certainly understand it.

Now if the Candy King gets dethroned, I'm so going to be the prime suspect.

I'm no scientist or anything...

I'm no scientist or anything, but I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that this:

Australia seeks to breed test-tube sharks

is not a good idea.

Good thing we've already cured cancer.

Oh well, always more fodder for the Animal Conspiracy.

WTF is up with Altoids

I've gotten 15 spams today from the Candy King of America trying to convince me to sell Altoids in the vending industry. Condoms I get in this venue. But Altoids?

Now this may well be targeted email because I've actually talked about getting into the vending industry. But that's when I was sitting in a bar and saw how many morons were plugging money into some machine to buy "pull tabs." Pull tabs are like instant lottery ticket, but you don't have to wait until the time of the drawing to figure out you lost. I can't remember who said it, but the lottery is a tax upon those who can't do math.

Anyway, I know I never signed up for information about entering the vending industry. And I sure as hell didn't sign up 15 times.

I did send them a very nice note saying, "Would you sons of bitches quit sending out spam?" in each line of their swell online form. I bet it doesn't work. But I'm sure not going to try to unsubscribe to that message.

Pinball Wizard

Have you heard of Brice Mellen?

How do you think he does it?
I don't know
What makes him so good?

He's blind, but plays video games. And he doesn't just play them, he also takes on challengers and kicks almost everyone's ass.

I've got to think getting whacked at a fighting game like Soul Caliber by someone who is blind is a bit of an come down.

I can't believe there's someone out there who really "plays by sense of smell." Freaky, but cool.

Rock on, Brice.

I hope you never take up golf. My ego is fragile enough now.

TO is an Assbag

Now I don't want to get all hyper about a superstar here because football season (when it counts) is over 6 weeks away.

But after signing a 7 year, 49 million dollar deal, Terrell Owens (aka TO) wants to renegotiate his contact. Yup, after just one year, TO wants a new deal.

I can certainly see his point. I mean the Eagles did win the Super Bowl because of TO. Oh wait, they lost.

Well they did win all those playoff games because of him. Oh, wait, he was hurt for those games and the team won without him.

But then TO is just like Jesus. At least according to TO:

"At the end of the day, I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"
-- Blogcritics.org

I think Jesus fulfilled his contact, TO. At least for 33 years. And some would argue he went above and beyond his original deal.

Something to think about TO....

Going Postal

I recently had to go to the Post Office for a package that for some reason the postman wouldn't shove in my mailbox or leave on my porch. I don't know why. Sometimes they'll leave stuff and sometimes they won't. It seems to be completely random. It's just goofy used books from Amazon, but I've got to leave work and go to postal hell.

Now I think the United States Postal Service is amazing. You give them 40 cents and shit magically shows up across the country. In-freaking-credible. People who complain about the price of stamps are full of it. It's practically magic. Take it yourself if you're going to whine.

The post office, the physical hell where you have to go despite all your best planning and wishes, on the other hand, sucks the big one.

Some epiphanies while I was at the post office:

• No line in the universe moves slower than the post office line.
• Why are there so many people here? It's not lunch time for God's sake.
• Why are there so many forms? If we were starting the post office from scratch now, there's no way there'd be this much paper.

A guy in front of me was filling out a form to mail a letter that was larger than his letter. How is that going to get attached to his letter?

We even have a little work station where you can mail a package without waiting in line and without talking to anyone. I'm the only one I've ever seen use it. I stood in line for 20 minutes today and no one even tried to self serve. They'd rather wait in line and talk to the surly clerks. But then if this many people wanted me to help them in a day, I'd be pissy too.

I usually go early in the morning when only the external part of the post office is open. You can buy stamps, open your post office box, mail crap from the little kiosk and get the hell out. The only people who are ever in there that early are me and the homeless guy who pretends to be reading pamphlets when I come in so it looks like he has actual business to transact there and isn't just hanging out trying to stay warm. I'm not fooled.

Golfing With Dead Guys

I'm heading down the delta to the land of crazies. I'm not sure if I'll survive with either my body or my mind intact. This isn't the first one of these sorties I've been on, but this may be the most dangerous.

For the last 8 years I've played in a golf tournament with my 76 year old Father, my 66 year old Uncle and one of my cousins.

The Corner Open (as the tournament is known) consisted of a bunch of old guys who my Pop used to go to high school with in Ohio. So yes, I've got some Ohio crazy in me.

And these old guys literally hung out on the corner of South and High streets every afternoon. Now I've seen the type of ruffians who hang out on street corners. And even though my Pop used to do it before 1950, I can't think it's evolved much. They're not singing doo wop (and I don't think it had even been invented by then) and helping old ladies with their groceries across the street. Even back then they were playing pick up basketball and causing trouble. And I don't think basketball was the only thing they were trying to pick up.

Our team is very carefully selected. My cousin is the ringer, I'm the putter, my Pop is the self-appointed coach whom we all ignore at all times and my Uncle is the great athlete who happens to be the terrible golfer. I used to play softball with my Uncle and he's a bonafide jock. Former Marine, short, quiet, hell of a hitter. Until the ball isn't moving. Then he's flailing and stepping out of the box and trying to hit it into the gap for a triple. And because he's a bit of a hot head, he'll get pissed. This only makes his game worse. And unfortunately, when I'm laughing at him, it doesn't help.

My favorite story about my Unc involves him teeing off. Now because he wasn't yet 65, he had to play from the blue or far back tees. As you get older, they give you a break and let you move up to the white tees. My Uncle hits a really shitty shot that goes about 20 yards straight along the ground. A real worm burner. He starts cursing because we've played about 12 holes by now and it's obviously not going to get any better for him as the day warms up. I believe the exact quote was (and cover your eyes kids if profanity offends you), "This fucking game sucks. I can't wait till next year when I can hit from the fucking white goddamn tees."

To which my cousin immediately pipes up, "Yeah, then your 20 yard shots will be 30 yard shots." Because I'm riding in the cart with my Uncle, I'm trying to stifle my laughter and am not doing a very good job. Again, me not helping.

Now I say the golfing tournament consisisted of a bunch of old guys, I mean just that--past tense. They had to cancel it because so many of the guys croaked that they couldn't get a large enough of a field to keep doing it.

So this year we won't be defending a title, playing for money or catching up with old acquaintances. We'll just be golfing in farm country and I'll get to see my Pop again. And about a million cousins who unfortunately can't golf as well as my designated ringer cousin.

Radio Sucks For a Reason

Sony BMG just agreed to pay 10 very large (that's 10 million US dollars to you non-mob connected readers out there), as a result of New York State Attorney General Elliot Spitzer's investigation of payola to radio stations. Yup, a practice that started back in the 50's is still a "major problem throughout the music industry."

So yes, the reason you hear all the same crappy songs on the radio is that Sony was bribing DJ's and Programming Directors to get that shit on the air.

How bad was it? Well, look at it this way, if Sony BMG voluntarily agreed to a 10 mil fine, it's gotta be smoking gun documents bad. They skipped the trial (the same process that let Michael and OJ off) because they were caught red handed. The investigation to continues against Universal, EMI and Warner.

It's hard to believe that such fine artists as Beyoncé, Britney Spears, Usher, Christina Aguilera, Alicia Keys and Kelly Clarkson aren't being aired "based on the quality, artistic competition, or aesthetic judgments." I'm shocked, shocked to find there's gambling in Casablanca.

Sony spokesman John McKay condemned the practice as "wrong and improper" and said, "We're very, very sorry....that we got caught."

Okay, I made that last one up. You got me, Elliot. You're a regular Thomas Dewey and we know how well that turned out. Your future is still ahead of you.

The Cows Have Turned

While I was spreading the word about the animal conspiracy, I made a mistake. I forgot about the cows. And they've gone to the dark side.

In Croatia a farmer was crushed by the cow he was trying to milk.

The cow "had been very meek." It's an act, baby. The cows are throwing off their chains of bondage throughout history and taking their revenge.

Enjoy your ice cream, buster. Because it's going to be tough to come by soon. Just to be on the safe side, I'm not getting a burger for lunch.

The MOO-vement is here and the cows have us in their sights.

It's So Hot in DC....

Man, some heat wave hitting our nation's capital, Washington DC.

How hot is it?

Well, it's so hot in Washington DC right now that Karl Rove has started leaking freon.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that people are using Teddy Kennedy's head for shade.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that Clarence Thomas isn't the only member of the Supreme Court wearing nothing under his robes.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that people are using Dick Cheney's heart to keep meat from thawing.

It's so hot in Washington DC right now that when people say William Rehnquist should be on ice, he already is.

Man, that's hot, I gotta tell you. Thank you, you're beautiful. Remember to tip your bartenders and servers. I'm here all week.

Squirrel Suicide Bombers

As reported previously, the animals are against us. They hate us and are trying to take us out of the top of the food chain any way they can.

Now, they've taken to blowing themselves up to start forest fires.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And if you think that wasn't bad enough, you'd better check your toilet.

Quote of the Week

"How many kids are peeing in your pool? Exactly how many are in there."

--Me, explaining kids, nature, and peeing in the pool to a co-worker who just got a pool.

And I finally remembered to post one of these before I skated for home on a Friday afternoon.

"Yabba, dabba, doo," kids. Don't hurt yourself sliding down the dinosaur to your car.

I Missed It

I've never even heard of this event, but think it's genius.

Amazing that people would rather ride the train and not be an actual participant.

You're Freaking Me Out, Tommy

Tommy Thompson, former Health and Human Services director and the former Governor of Wisconsin is going to get an RFID tag implanted in his body.

Now I always liked Tommy. He seemed to have done some good things for the neighboring state and he did get elected four times. I remember the Wisconsin Works program supposedly being a blueprint for welfare reform.

But this sounds a little crazy to me. I'm not all Mark of the Beast or anything, but why would you get a chip implanted when only two hospitals use it?

My cynical side says that if you make me the CEO of a company, I'll do anything in an effort at shameless self promotion. I've actually seen these work on pets and they're kind of cool.

But getting one just to identify my body if I'm dead? I mean I'll be dead, so I don't care. Now if you could get one that picks up cable? Then I'd totally have staff meetings licked.

Snubbed Again & Again

It looks like I'm not getting the Pistons job either. Early word on the street is that some guy named Flip who's not even a local guy is getting the gig.

Apparently, he lost in the first round of the playoffs for 8 straight years with another team.
Come on. I'm undefeated in both the regular season and the playoffs of the NBA! What a gyp.

Apparently the owner got tired of it all being about Larry and not enough about the team. Pick me, Bill D. I'll be all about the team all the time.

Man, this is turning out to be a rough week. Maybe I'll disrupt the press conference scheduled for noon today. The corpse isn't even cold. Ouch, this one hurts.

Canada Goes Gay

Look for a swell rainbow to be added to that red Maple Leaf, Canada has officially approved same sex marriage. They'll be a run for the border and you better bring flowers.

Canada is only the fourth country in the world to allow same sex marriage. You can still head to the Netherlands, Belgium or Spain if the Great White North isn't your style. Spain? I guess that explains the bullfighting. Putting a sword into a big, charging, bull. Yeah, no one could think that was repression for something else.

I really don't get all the furor over this. I am so ready for gay weddings. They'll be FAB-U-LOUS. It'll be more like a pageant than a wedding. And sure to be some drama. That whole question about whether anyone objects to this union will be fraught with a pregnant pause now to see whether the ex throws a hissy fit.

I just want to own the flower store next to the gay wedding chapel. You'll make a mint. It's all about location, location, location.

The downside to this is gay divorce. Those are going to be a bitch. And you thought the courts were backed up before.

I can't wait for my first gay reception. I'm going to have to start putting some pressure on my gay friends to tie the knot. "You're not getting any younger. He's a keeper. Take the leap. Where's my invitation?"

Snubbed Again

I waited by the phone last night waiting for the call. It never came. Some guy named John Roberts got the gig. Probably a suck up. I mean he did used to clerk for Rehnquist. I wonder if Rehnquist can still remember him?

They're making a big deal about how he's argued 39 cases in front of the Supreme Court. Big deal. I've never lost a case in front of the Supreme Court! I'm undefeated baby.

And people are pouring over every legal decision JR's made to see if they can divine which was he swings on key issues. I'm telling you there's nothing in my history of jurisprudence that's going to get me in any trouble. I'm a clean nomination. I'll sail through the Senate.

They're making a big mistake here, but what can I do. I'm already getting email from my Congressman asking me for my opinion. Yes, it's a little scary that I have the ear of important people who are already pestering me the day after I lost out on the nomination. But they really want to know:

Are you worried that some Senators will try to earn political points instead of giving Judge Roberts a fair hearing?
Yes No Unsure

Do you think it is okay for a U.S. senator to disregard a nominee's qualifications and base his or her vote solely on the nominee's Political ideology -- that is, solely because the nominee is a conservative or a liberal?
Yes No Unsure

Do you think Judge Roberts should be confirmed to the Supreme Court?
Yes No Unsure

I kind of think that he should also be asking me:

Do you like me? Yes No Unsure

It just reminds me of those notes that used to get passed in class. I wonder where my cootie catcher is?

Even though I lost out on a cushy job in DC, at least I'm still in the running to coach the Pistons. I hope someday I can be so valuable to an organization that they'll give me a big check to go away. "You're critical to our success, kid. Here's a wad of cash. Get the hell out."

Scotty, we hardly knew ye

Mr. Scott is dead. Yes, James Doohan has passed away at the age of 85.

Many people who never kissed a girl and still live in their parents' basement are in mourning. Just kidding. It's never easy for me to deal with grief. Mea culpa.

One of the greatest life lessons I ever learned was from Mr. Scott. Never tell the boss how long a project is really going to take. Inflate the time and deliver it early and so they'll think you're a miracle worker.

It's somehow fitting that Mr. Scotty passed away on Moon Day. Death is kind of the final frontier when you really think about it.

We'll miss you, Scotty. *sniff* Beam me up.

Gas Masters

I'm conducting a sociology experiment which proves that people are idiots.

There's a current run on gasoline in the Great Grey North right now. People are waiting in line for up to 30 minutes to fill their tanks before prices go up. This despite that the latest hurricane in the gulf (umm, are we up to Emily already?) won't hit Texas and disrupt gas production.

We think the run is being caused by a new gas station going in front of the new Super Size Wal-Mart (aka Try 'N Save). They just put up their sign today and even though they have no gas currently (it's still under construction) and aren't open for business, they posted the price of gas at $3 per gallon. This, we hypothesize, started the buying frenzy.

Of course you're talking about the fine educated folk who also (before the start of the Iraq war) began hording perishable foodstuffs. Yup, they cleaned the grocery stores out of milk, eggs and cheese. We may be running out of food, but we're going to have bitching omelettes for a week.

Wish I had a pix to post or a story to link to, but take my word for it. It's chaotic hilarity right now. We actually have people leaving the office to go fill up their tanks. Gotta love mob mentality.

Quote of the Week

There's been a lot of unsettled weather in the Southeastern United States lately. This comment is related to that.

"Wow, they'll be picking up beer cans as far away as Florida."

--me, upon learning the Atlanta Motor Speedway had been hit by a tornado

Before you hate me, no one was injured, no I don't watch NASCAR, and according to one article they have condomiums at the track. Yes, you read that right. There are condos at the racetrack.

Has God has had it with wrecking mobile homes (aka "tornado magnets") and is now just going straight to the races to streamline the process?

Can't believe I made a joke about tornadoes and mobile homes. I'm so going to hell.

A Quickie

Q. How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!

I'm not sure why I find that so funny, but I do.

Big Bold Brazilian Bandits

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. A truism of life is "Men Love Boobies."

As exhibit A, the following armed robbery caper from Brazil:

Brazilian bandits pull off big boob job

It's true, I'm not making it up. You like the headline writer's reference to "big" as a double entendre to the size of the caper? That kind of subtle humor isn't lost upon me.

It's more interesting to learn that each implant had a number. Because of this low level registration, anyone with a "hot boobie" (quit laughing, I'm being serious here) could only use that implant for an illegal operation.

Now aside from stealing these for the best paperweight ever, what's the point? Are these faux-torso theives really going to peddle these on the black market for implants? I just have trouble imaging a Brazilian in an alley wearing a trenchcoast whispering, "I got two" to passersby.

Maybe the manufacturer is stealing back their own implants in an effort to cut supply and drive up costs? That's pretty complicated for an implants that only costs $800 per pair. I blame Karl Rove for making me think this deviously.

Jimmy Breslin wrote "The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight." Will this gang with their misbegotten mammaries be known as The Gang That Couldn't Dress Straight? Yes, I admit that was an extremely long way to go for that. Mea culpa.

Just stupid stuff for a hump day....

It's A Small World After All

Major League Baseball trotted out it's "biggest stars" last night in the annual Home Run Derby. Oh, wait a minute, I think it's the Century 21, General Motors, Little Caesar's, Ameriquest Taco Bell, International House of Pancakes Home Run Derby. But I kid MLB just because they've done everything but sell uniform space to whore out for prime time tv.

More egregious to me was the bastardization of the game. They internationalized the competition to get representatives from eight different countries. And they had to stretch to get eight. Hee-Sop Choi from Korea? C'mon, give me a break. He's only got 38 home runs in his career and 13 this year. Ivan Rodriguez was a stretch as well. He's only got six home runs on the year because the Coma, uh, Comerica Park, is a crummy hitters park and Pudge is a doubles hitter not a home run hitter. You could tell it was a bit of a sensitive issue because when they were doing the introductions they didn't show that Pudge only had 6 dingers on the year, but that he had 256 in his career.

At least you're not Canadian. They had to deal with both the loss of the NHL as well as Jason Bay (the Canadian representative) getting shut out in the first round.

At least Bobby Abreu went nuts and hit 24 in the first round. And they were mashes too. Someone his homers were over 500 feet. At least someone was really hitting homers.

Does this format smack of tokenism? I mean you pick the Korean guy to be in the contest just because he's Korean not because he's really a home run hitter. People are being included or excluded because of their country of origin not because of their skill level. Too much thinking for me. I just wanted to eat a hot dog and see some batting practice taters.

I just feel bad for guys who have 20+ home runs and are legitimate sluggers who got shunned to put on this crappy international exhibition. Oh well, I'm sure the millions of dollars a year they get paid to play a kid's game will keep them from crying in their beer.

Pukes of Hazzard

I recently saw a preview of the new Dukes of Hazzard movie while waiting for Batman Begins to finally do so.

Now I can't honestly say I never watched the original series. It did have Catherine Bach in it. And she was wearing those Daisy Duke shorts most of the time. And I obviously watched it enough that the phrase "'Bout then the Duke boys decided to give Boss Hogg a run for his money" is in my head whenever a buddy and I are going to do something stupid.

Despite that early exposure, I know that I will not be exposed to the latest film version of the Dukes of Hazzard.

I will also make some bold predictions that none of the following will ever be said about the movie:

• Feel Good Hit of the Summer
• a taut, psychological thriller that will keep you guessing until the very end
• a performance so textured and nuanced that Oscar will come calling
• rich, luxurious cintematography

I could be wrong, but I'll bet I'm not.

Quote of the Week (a Two-fer)

This week it's not me. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who says stupid stuff around this office.

"Media training is very helpful. I know it helped me in the divorce."

--a fellow Virtucon drone discussing the need to get some new folks media training

Ah, the importance of staying "on message" when discussing thorny issues. Something that will always keep the public affairs professionals employeed.

To the fine people of London, I'm reminded of a quote from someone who was much more inspirational than me:

"We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

--Sir Winston Churchill, 1940 in the House of Commons after the retreat from Dunkirk, France

After surviving the German bombing of World War II, I think it's going to take more than a bit of public transport terrorism to make the Brits back down. They're made from a bit firmer stock than that.

Yabba, dabba, doo. It's quittin' time (try to imagine Fred Flintstone sliding down the dino tail and leaving the rock quarry). That's me, kids. Enjoy the weekend, ya'll.

Friendus Interruptus

My friend is leaving this 'lil outpost of hell in the Great Grey North to move to Connecticut. I'm of the opinion that he's going to stick out like a sore thumb there and have some difficulties adjusting. But I'm keeping my piehole shut about his impending misery.

Let's see how much change he's introducting into his life right now. New job, check. New house, check. New baby, check. Yup, the wifey-poo was supposed to have her c-section this morning at 7:30 am EST. Haven't heard anything yet, but I figure all is well as this is the second spud she's having.

I'm trying to come to some reconciliation that I probably won't talk to him anymore. It was bad enough when he had his first kid and only got worse when we moved across town. He couldn't do the drop by while pretending to walk the kid and sit out on the patio and suck beer and discuss philosophy and all that was right with the world.

Oh sure we'll email, and maybe swap amusing greeting cards on major holidays or birthdays, and we'll always have Paris. (Just kidding about Paris there kids...and I meant the wannabe Olympic site not the skanky hotel heiress).

But we won't have the kind of hijinx like we did at dinner last night. We had to eat at a time so early only old people eat to get the early bird because the wife has to fast for 12 hours before the cutting began. I talked the waitress into free desert for the baby because it was almost his birthday.

We also told the waitress that I was the sperm donor because my friend had a narrow urethera. "He's like a coffee stir stick," I volunteered to the waitress while my co-conspirators were reduced to tears. She had only confused looks for the table but maybe she can look it up later.

It's Gotta Be In The Water

A woman from Bountiful, Utah recently got her face tattooed with Golden Palace.com for ten large. It's true, I'm not making this up.

But just knowing someone got a face tattoo probably doesn't do it justice. It's in great big, bold, black, block letters right on her forehead. Go ahead, check out that picture. I tried to upload it here, but couldn't get it to work. I'll wait.

Hmm, hmmm, hmmm. Back? Okay.

But what has this mother accomplished other than ensuring she'll never have a career in the service industry and getting her son nicknamed "Tattoo Boy?" The money's not even going for college. What's she going to have to have branded when he matriculates?

And if you think that kid isn't going to hear about this the first time he forgets to take out the trash or doesn't do his homework, you're kidding yourself.

"Young man, I did not endure hours of needles being shoved into my face just so you could sit around and play video games! Don't you give me that look. I see your ungrateful face everytime I look in the mirror."

Don't Stand In Front of the Fan

I'm sorry to see Sandra Day O'Connor resign from the Supreme Court. First, as a former 'Zona boy is was great to see some local talent make good. Of course, she did make the mistake of going to Stanford instead of UA Law, but we can't all be smart when matriculating.

No, I'm especially sorry because it's going to be the next political hissyfit we have to hear about in the news for the next few months. I already love how people are handicapping the possible successors and can predict their future jurisprudence. I've got to make sure I block CSPAN on the TIVO so I don't accidentally stumble across any confirmation hearings by accident.

I thought I'd never miss Tom Cruise, but maybe I was wrong....

Rock Stars, is there anything they don't know?

Well the Live 8 concerts are coming up soon. I thought the Live Aid concerts Bob (minus the Boomtown Rats) did earlier fixed everything right? Oh, that's right. They accomplished nothing. I guess I just don't understand how live music fixes international finance. Should have stayed in school. This time we're not raising money (because it doesn't work as a solution to an institutional problem), we're raising awareness. Right.

I think the real tragedy is that Pink Floyd is going to reunite and they only get 15 minutes to play. Are you kidding me? That's not even enough time to fire up a fatty and get through Dark Side of the Moon. This is crazy.

And if we're going to have a big concert for debt relief, how come Bob can't do anything about me and my credit cards. I swear I won't buy all that electronic equipment at Best Buy again, Mr. Geldof.

Fourth Fun

Remember kids, fireworks and alcohol don't mix. So get all of your drinking out of the way before you start lighting the bottle rockets. It's chug then boom.

Llong ago I actually worked in a fireworks factory. All we did was take the fireworks which were made in China and put in large, ugly plain brown boxes and repackage them into those colorful assortment boxes sold at all of those transient stands that seem to pop up overnight at this time of year. What a racket.

That same summer two other fireworks factories blew up. I actually had to keep someone from trying to smoke in the warehouse. Yikes!

To amuse myself, I used to read the instructions on the fireworks. And I think it was safe to safe that though they were printed in English, it might have been a bad translation.

There was one firework called a Lotus Blossom that you put on the ground and then it spun around very fast and changed colors. It was only for night use or you would see the colors and spinning correctly. And the instructions on the firework were (and I'm not making this up):

Place on ground. Lite fuse. Get away.

I still remember the typo on light to this day.

The only good thing about that job was that my house had a bitchin' fireworks display that year from all the leftover crap that didn't get sold. I wound up setting one of the buses in our yard on fire from an errant bottle rocket and had to scramble for a bucket of water. Ah, memories.

Be safe folks. You don't want to be nicknamed "Stumpy" the rest of your life.

An Epiphany

If we close Guantanamo, could we just send all the detainees to Neverland Ranch where we know it's an abuse free environment?

I'm just saying.....

The Animal Conspiracy aka Shark Triscuits

I wish I had discovered this, but it's the genius of Tim Bedore (as heard on NPR and The Bob & Tom Show) who first pointed out that all animals hate us.

There were three more attacks recently. The first two were shark attacks in Florida. I immediately screamed, "This was no boat accident."

Now I don't know what they make boogie boards out of, but I've renamed them Shark Triscuits. I can't count the number of times I've seen a shot of some boogie board with a shark bite taken out of it. I don't know if sharks love them or not, but people are just the meat that sit on top of a cracker to them.

The other attack involved a bear and a couple of campers and took place in Alaska.

Now this is getting just a little too spooky. Animals on both sides of America's coast are coordinating their attacks! You can't swim because of the sharks and you can't camp because of the bears. Is it any wonder we're seeing increasing urbanization?

As you make your plans for the 4th of July, look out for the squirrels. How do they fit in? In the words of Tim Bedore, "Surveillance obviously."

Be safe out there kids.

Quote of the Week

I'm definitely going to have to get on a new schedule for the QOTW. I just can't seem to get my shit in gear on a Friday afternoon and get this posted.

So I'm shooting for a Monday release. How's that for productivity? Wow, feel the wheels of commerce a turning.

Here it be:

If you cannot reach a site, wait a few minutes and try again.
Please do not call the us directly, as we are aware of the problem.

--Virtucon's IT department giving us "tips" regarding the corporate intranet availability issues we've been having

Thank you, Mr. Helper! Now return to your toil, drones.

TV + DVD = Hilarity

I'm not sure why, but some television shows are better on DVD than they are on television. It doesn't make sense, but if you sit and watch the shows back to back on the DVD release they're actually better than if you watched them when they were aired on television.

I've noticed this with both Arrested Development and Entourage. I actually think Arrested Development was funnier when I watched shows consecutively.

That being the case, I'm sure Saved By The Bell is going to be hilarious this time around. Next time you are in Best Buy look through the television section of the DVD's and notice how much shit is in there. Shows that aboslutely blew chunks are available for purchase. The DVD format must also be comedy enhancing even for truly crappy shows.

Why else would Airwolf be on DVD? I'm betting that's even funnier than the Anna Nicole Show. It's also kind of scary that Amazon suggests that if you like Anna Nicole, you'll also like The Simple Life. The horror....the horror.....

Quote of the Week

"If you get to be 51 and don't know either a wet vac or bail bonds work, you've made the right choices in your life."

--me, describing a co-worker at lunch

Dance Revolution

I really can't believe this, but it's true. The number one most watched television show last week was ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." It's ratings were even higher than for the NBA finals.

Now, I love a trainwreck as much as anyone. I'll confess to watching some of the Anna Nicole Smith show. That's because men love boobies and TIVO is a powerful drug.

But ballroom dancing with c-list stars? The only people only the show you know are Evander Holyfield and the catalog guy from Seinfeld.

J. Peterman, how could you sink so low?

Wake up, America. Rent the Sopranos or Arrested Development and watch a good show for crying out loud. Ride a bike, go for a walk, play golf, or go actually dance yourself.

For the love of God don't watch this shit.

Quote of the Week

I completely forgot to post the quote from last week. I'll chalk it up to being really busy (we had three Virtucon business sites go live last week) and being in two days of training on Creating Strategic Partnerships.

I learned to be assertive. Like that's the problem.

Anyway, here's the QOTW:

"You Assbag! I'm not doing it."
--me, demonstrating how to be aggressive in a meeting

Maybe Naked Zorro Commutes

I'll confess to a general lack of the knowledge about the geography of Philadelphia suburbs.

But if you're on the prowl to catch Naked Zorro, he's struck again.

Now he's struck in Montco, PA.

I like to think this is just an extremely innovative guerrilla publicity campaign to whip up interest in a new book. More likely it's a just a freak in a cape.

But Is He a Gay Blade?

If you live in the Philadelphia area, you may know there is a new masked avenger on the scene. Patrolling the streets....clad in a black mask.....bringing joy to the people of Doylestown, PA....fighting for "the peeples" against tyranny and injustice....clad only in a black mask. Oh, and some white running shoes.

That's right, Naked Zorro is on the prowl.

At least nine women have seen our naked crimefighter, but their accounts differ. Some described him as white his mid- to late 20s with blonde or brown curly with an "average" build. Other women who previously saw a naked man said he had a "thin" build. One woman said she spotted a naked man who wasn't wearing a mask. Which makes me wonder just how many naked men are running around the Doylestown?

Anyway, I totally know what I'm going to be for Halloween this year.

Quote of the Week

"Cults don't charge dues. They take all your money."

Me, explaining the difference between the International Association of Business Communicators and a cult

My favorite headline from the recent announcement out of DC was:

Bush Anxious to Learn More of Deep Throat

Hey, aren't we all? Didn't he have trouble with just a pretzel? And I though Deep Throat was exactly what got the last guy in trouble.

I don't get all the furor over this. It seems the mainstream media loves a store where the media type is made out to be a hero. Wonder why that is?

I just remember the Watergate hearings while I was a wee one and there being no tv on at all because the networks covered it non-stop. I remember whining about the lack of cartoons to my Mom and receiving no sympathy.

Anonymous Sources

An anonymous source claims in various media reports that Larry Brown, the head coach of the Pistons, is going to leave Detroit at the end of this season (which is still onging by the way), to become the President of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

So, if that's true, he'd become a Cleveland Brown.

Wow, that a long way to go for that one.

No word on whether the anonymous souce for the Larry Brown tip is Deep Throat.

Quote of the Week

I tend to write down a lot of the stupid things people around me say. I'm included in that list by the way.

I've decided to start posting them here. With any luck this will be both entertaining and funny. Keep your fingers crossed, kids.

"That's 'Shit Your Pants' kind of food."
--referring to a chili cheese omelette for breakfast

Reading this now, it doesn't seem as funny. But at the time, I almost nosed by beverage.

Free Radio

My wife asked me the other night what was my favorite story about us. I didn't think of this one at the time, but here it is.

We were both still in college and lived across the hall from each other in a dorm. The dorm had two sides (North & South) and was shaped like a U with all of the class rooms in the bottom part of the U. Thus, if you were on the right side of the hall, you could look across the way and see whether the lights were on in the other wing. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, someone got us a microphone and we plugged it into our stereo so we could talk to the other wing. And by talk I mean yell at, play music, offer to put on suntan lotion for girls who laid out on the lawn and otherwise harrassed people. We liked to yell across the way and tell people what to do. Typically that only involved turning lights on and off, waving, dancing, pressing their breasts up against the window. Yeah, you're right, that last one never worked.

One afternoon, we began to drink and engage in our "broadcast." Eventually, a class that my wife and I were in together (we were just flirting then; not even dating because she had a boyfriend while I pined for her) rolled around. I blew it off, but she went and snuck a gin and tonic into the class. It was something really boring. I think Agricultural Economics with some Grad Assistant who was a complete bore and a farmer type.

Unfortunately for my wife, the class took place in the dorm. That's right, it was in one of those classrooms in the U shaped part. Luckily for me, it was warm enough that they had the windows open. All the better to hear us as we engaged in our broadcast.

So I start yelling my wife's name. "Hey, you're not paying attention. Check her glass. She hates this class. We're just killing time 'til we're free." You can imagine the line of commentary.

Finally, the GA says, "Umm, I believe you're being paged." (I only found this out later). What I first heard was the door to our wing open and someone yell, "I'm going to kick your ass" and a bunch of laughter followed by running feet.

We shut the door in her face and continued our commentary. "Wow, it seems like we've struck a chord with our audience. Someone is pounding on our door to show their appreciation."

We eventually let her in, but I still think she was more pissed than laughing.

Shakes or Fingers?

By now most people have heard about the lady who claimed she found a human finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili.

Well now the man who lost the finger has been identified. He lost his finger in an accident with a trucklift according to a Reuters report. And he gave the finger to a co-worker to settle a debt for $50.

I'm not so certain that everyone has heard about the woman, Anna Ayala, who found the finger being charged with grand theft and conspiracy to present a fraudulent insurance claim. She's still awaiting trial and is in jail. The court felt she was a flight risk and set bail at $500,000.

To combat the lost sales it's currently experiencing, last weekend Wendy's gave away 15 million free Frosty's. Now I am no Wendy's connoisseur (because I don't like square hamburgers), but if you wanted to prove to people that there aren't fingers in your chili, wouldn't you give away chili?

This is pretty straight-forward crisis management activity in the long run. But you still worry about copycats if you're the company. Prosecutors in the case claim that Wendy's has lost 2.5 million in sales and been forced to layoff employees. That means that Wendy's has to feel that their corporate reputation has taken a bigger hit than 2.5 million if they gave away 15 million Frosty's. They also had the president and COO jetting around the country to meet with customers at the restaurants.

I still hear Dave, the funniest man in the world, making finger jokes. I'm not sure what else the company could do. Maybe give away copies of the Freddy Got Fingered DVD? Trips to the Finger Lakes in New York?

Where Was This Study When I Was In School

A recent study of 20 year olds drinkers had them watch tv with an unlimited supply of beer.

Supposedly this was to study the impact of taking kudzu pills on binge drinking.

My favorite part of the story:

Reasearchers said it was quite easy to gather the volunteers.

Well, duh. "Hey, who wants to watch tv and drink an unlimited supply of beer? Anyone? Please, we really need some help on this project."

The research also speculates that it simply takes less beer to make you drunk when you also take the kudzu.

I can see it now. New Coors Kudzu. Helps you get your drink on. For people without a lot of time to get drunk.

What's All This About a Space Movie?

I don't know if you've heard, but apparently there's some movie coming out about outer space. I don't know much about it and don't want to give anything away, but I don't think it ends well for someone name Anakin. You've probably heard about it if you've bought a Pepsi, used your cell phone, watched tv or read a paper or magazine lately.

Here are some other spoilers for the new movie:

Artoo & 3P0 get married
Under that mask, Darth Vader is really Michael Jackson
Droid army defeated simply by changing batteries in the remote

People have even started a website called Thank You George. They're trying to collect a million signatures to thank the Creator himself. I kind of think the kajillion dollars he's made is thank you enough.

All of that being said, I will go see the movie. I'm not the camping out type, but I'll probably try to see it opening weekend. It depends on whether I can stomach the sheer number of screeching urchins sure to be packing the theater.

This Just In

The Vatican has just invaded Poland.

When did the food pyramid go gay? Because I swear that's the gay pride flag now.

Non-verbal Communication or Splitting the Atom

My wife gets me. I mean really gets me about most things. She wasn't happy though that none of my stories here never seem to involve her. And it's not that there aren't any, I just hadn't told any yet. This is a story about how she gets me.

We were checking out of a store. Don't remember where, don't remember what we were buying. The check out person couldn't get us checked out because some item was unpriced.

So the checkout person calls over the manager. And we're in committee. Runners are dispatched to where the item resides to see if other items are marked. "None of them were marked," I inform the committee. Runners confirm my truth-telling. Animals are sacrificed and entrails are examined. The gods are silent.

Negotiations begin amongst the staff. We look on expectantly to the tribe elders. Are there special savings at this time of year? Teeth are gnashed, clothes are rended, forelocks are pulled.

We finally escape with our purchase. "That was a real pain," my wife says. "Yeah, but then they were splitting the atom there."

Thus the phrase "splitting the atom" was born as our snarky little comment referring to incompetent people doing routine tasks.

Now whenever we're having a hard time getting out of a store, a simple "splitting the atom" comment whispered under our breath will have us erupting in laughter. Even worse was when she made a hand motion from across a room as if she was breaking a stick in two and I knew exactly what she meant and busted up laughing. And when you're laughing to yourself in a store for what appears to be no reason, people sidle away quietly.

My wife....she gets me.

"Are You Trying To Seduce Me, Mrs. Gallagher-Smith?"

A caddie is suing his former golfer (and employer) for tricking him into getting her pregnant. It's true.

Gary Robinson, a 26 year old, single, male, ex-caddy, is suing Jackie Gallegher-Smith, a married LPGA professional, for fraud and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Gary claims to have been in "an emotional state" after having recently broken up from his girlfriend. While he was on the rebound, Jackie hornswoggled him into having unprotected sex with her.

Because Florida law presumes that any child born into a lawful marriage is the result of that marriage, Gary doesn't have standing to request a DNA test. Thus, he's left with the only possible solution of my favorite Unfrozen Caveman Attorney, 4.4 million dollars.

My favorite quote of the suit: "He was put into the position of being an unwitting sperm donor."

Okay, I'll pass on the easy joke of the position he was put into. But an "unwitting donor?" If you do that with a part of the male anatomy, I'm willing to bet you're going to get sperm out of it.

What is this milky white fluid erupting from my penis? That's never happened before.

Gary also claims he'll never be able to find work as a caddy again. I disagree, he may actually have increased his marketability. But his card will have to read Caddy/Male Prostitute.

Half Assed Ideas

One of the advantages of working at a big company is that we have lots of half-assed ideas. Then, all these ideas get tossed into the hopper at team meetings where they have this wave dynamic effect and get even worse when other people have input.

Case in point:

Let's do some charity work as a team-building exercise!

Let's realize we can't agree on charities because some of us don't like Bible Thumping Charities!

Let's realize we're all too busy to take time off for this!

Let's do in on our own time so it won't interfere with work!

Let's realize we've got too much coming up to go together as a team!

Let's read to the blind inidividually!

I said I'd only read to the blind if it were Penthouse Letters.

And all of a sudden I'm not a team player. Guess I won't be able to spend my evenings with the team. My bad. And I used to never believe these stories were true until the most amazing experience happened to me. I was working late at a large, midwestern company....

I'm telling you the Blind would love that!

The Most Annoying Ring Tone Ever

One of my co-workers in our lil coven of Hell here at Virtucon has the most annoying ring tone ever on her phone. It's like this crappy conga song which I know I won't be able to do justice to in this medium but here goes:

duh duh DUH da duh duh Duh

Repeat infinitely.

Now I'm not admitting to ever drinking and dialing, but I know I never called anyone six times in a row!

We all kind of had an impromptu chat about the ethics of going through someone's purse to answer a phone. No one wanted to do it even though she'd probably be cool with it.

Now that stinkin' ring tone is going to be in my head all day.

The List

If you remember Friends, there's a list of 10 people you're allowed to have a crack at even if you're in a relationship.

Because we were screwing around at work, we worked on our lists. We contemplated putting one "local talent" in the list as well, but figured we'd just get in to trouble.

Here (in no particular order) are my top ten along with a little commentary:

Elisha Cuthbert: The most perfect face and eyebrows in existance. She was in The Girl Next Door an absolutely stupid movie that I TIVO'ed just because she was in it and had to fast forward through just to scenes with her in it. And I still mostly watched with the sound off. She was also in Old School. Very pretty.

Lucy Lawless: Yes, from Xena the Warrior Princess. Tall, statuesque and athletic. I think she may be the X gen's Wonder Woman. Though I see she's in some crummy tv movie with locusts. That's enough to get you booted from the list.

Carey Lowell: Tall, short hair, really cute. I fell in love with her in the James Bond film License to Kill. Never watched her on Law & Order. Heard she's hooked up with Richard Gere. That may be enough to boot her as I don't think I've ever sat through a Richard Gere movie. Yes, this includes Pretty Woman. I wouldn't even see Primal Fear with Ed Norton because of the Gere Factor.

Minnie Driver: Maybe it's the accent, maybe it's the chin, but she's fab in my book. She smokes so this won't last between us. And she's trying that singing thing. What's up with that? Loved when she played a lil slut on Will & Grace.

Cybill Shepherd: Simply the best nose in the world. I'll still watch any episode of Moonlighting when she's on it even though they put her in such soft lighting it was like watching through shower glass. Supposed to be high maintenance. Again with the wanting to sign.

Natalie Portman: Another beautiful face. Do we see a trend here? Smart, cute, funny. Fell in love with her in Beautiful Girls when she had a small part and was very young. You could tell she was only going to get prettier as she grew up. Also really good in The Professional. Now everyone is in love with her because of Star Wars.

Daphne Zuniga: Beautiful eyes, skin, face. Was in the Funniest Movie Of All Time: The Sure Thing (when I fell hard for her). I still remember her from a few episodes of Family Ties where she had glasses (YUM) and had a crush of Alex. Couldn't bring myself to watch Melrose Place even with her.

Drew Barrymore: Great sense of humor questionable taste in men. Just my type! Any woman who would flash Dave on his birthday is tops in my book. I like here better as a blonde despite my penchant for brunettes. Great boobies.

Salma Hayek: Simply the best thing in After the Sunset. I first remember her from Fools Rush In with Matthew Perry. Man is she cute.

Keira Knightley: You'll know her as "the girl in Pirates of the Caribbean." Long dark hair, flashing eyes, great legs. She was also in Love Actually with really bad hair in my opinion. Now she's cut it and looks even worse. May be on the bubble.

We'll Always Have Paris

On the great big list of things I don't get, Paris Hilton's fame, television show, continued media exposure and alleged attractiveness get top billing.

One of my buds has a serious crush on Ms. Hilton. She just does nothing for this boy. Maybe I like women with intelligence, breasts, and some type of skills so she can a living. Those are in order also. There's nothing more annoying than being stuck with a dumb person. Sure they're amusing for a while but the stupid questions get on your nerves after a while.

Anyway, Paris and her ex-best friend, Nicole Richie are splitsville. Paris isn't telling why. Thus, I'm filling the void.

Which is the most likely reason they broke up?

a) man trouble (includes Nicole sleeping with an ex of Paris)

b) dog trouble (includes biting, spaying or humping)

c) drug trouble (taking the stash of the other)

d) money trouble (taking the stash of the other)

e) video trouble (either billing in Simple Life 4 or illegally downloading Paris' porn vid)

Any other suggestions?

4/25 Update: Just heard on the radio this morning that the correct answer may be "E."

The rumor is that Nikki was having a party for Paris and was going to run the tape of when she hosted Saturday Night Live. Someone, allegedly Nicole, switched it with her sex vid tape. And Paris was pouty.

Mid-Morning Hijinx

I wrote earlier about what it's like working in the UN. Today our group stuck back.

While our boss is in Vegas at a scaminar...ummm seminar, we moved all the flags into his office.

There's no room at all to get in there now. Wish Virtucon allowed cameras on site because this really deserves a pix post.

Anyway, there are sixty flags on poles in an 8 x 10 office.

Can't wait till his lame ass actually shows up.

The Prank is Mightier than the Pen (in which I get even)

One day at Virtucon, I was stuck giving a presentation to a vendor group (in from Cali) with a bunch of their big hitters. Essentially, I was having to explain how we deployed their literature management software on our internet system and how we're still having difficulty with it despite all their glossy brochures and bullshit answers to our technical questions.

A buddy of mine whom we'll call William is on the intranet side of the wall at Virtucon and was supposed to present some of our internal deployments which also were being a little hinky. So I'm doing outside and William's doing inside. Got it? Good.

The morning of the presentation, William fucks me. Leaves a voicemail that's he's sick, not going to be able to make the meeting, can I cover all of the deployment. I'm fine with it. I know a bit about what's going on inside but not to the extent of William, but I can handle the types of questions I'm likely to get from a bunch of suits.

Presentation goes lamely but fine. These things are like prize fights. If you're still standing when they're over, you can claim you won.

The vendor suits from Cali (three vp's, no waiting) hand out these velvet covered boxes with nice silver pens inside. As William fucked me, he's not there, we've got an extra. So I volunteer to make sure W gets his.

Back in my office, I take out the nice, shiny, silver pen and instead insert a blue, Papermate with no lid that I'd chewed on. Then I left the nice box with the crappy pen on W's chair as I leave for the day.

When he was done laughing, W gave that box to me. I still have it on a table in my office and always laugh when people open up and expect something nice and see that shitty pen.

Benny & the Cardinals

I've got to confess, I'm a little shocked to see Pope Benedict the XVI in charge now.

You can totally tell he isn't a "transitional" Pope as some of the news organizations are reporting. He's a rebound Pope.

You know how you break up with someone and then you fall for the next cute person who shows you some attention. You're on the rebound. It just feels good to have someone to hang out with. So you ignore the little things that annoy you like hygiene and taste and not being crazy.

You know this isn't going to last either.

All Hail Plumeria

At our lil hub o' Virtucon, it's like working in the United Nations right now.

Our Annual Meeting is coming up and we're replacing all the flags in the auditorium. That means all the old flags are going to the garbage and all the new flags are being taken out of the small, conveniently sized shrink wrap packages and strewn about our offices.

And because they've been packed into tiny packages, the flags are all wrinkled. So we've got to iron them first. Especially so we don't piss off some executive whose native flag looks all crappy.

Yes, it was great to come into work and have to take our shift ironing flags. Yup, that degree is coming in handy, Mom. Should nylon be a low setting or a high setting on the old Sunbeam? And since some of our team are very domesticated (some would say housebroken), we threatened to take pictures of a few of them ironing.

Then we're having to put these on flag poles that are about 6 feet high so they have enough time to settle and hang properly after they've been ironed.

And because we've got about 200 flags which we can't even identify, we're also having to try to look some of these up on the internet because we can't tell which country they're from. Oh sure, we get the biggies like Russia and England. But would you know what the flag of Montenegro looks like? Us neither. I thought that was France by the way. C'mon, those are way close.

I also enjoyed making up the names and countries for flags that no one could identify. I had everyone convinced that this was the country of Plumeria. People kind of hemmed and hawed, but I kept asking where they thought we got Plumeria flowers from so everyone shut up. I finally had to tell people it was really Hong Kong before they made the sign and put it up and pissed off someone from our Asian office.

No one would fall for Freedonia which is the made up country in the Marx Brothers classic movie Duck Soup. But then I found the country of Freedonia online which is some guy trying to establish a new country. Of course, we're trying to score a flag and include them as our little inside joke.

I also couldn't convince anyone that Florin and Guilder were real. They're both from The Princess Bride.

Though one person fell for Molvania which was the subject of the parody travel book, "Molvania, A Land Untouched by Modern Dentristy."

This Way Please In Very Small Steps

Someone else has midgets on the brain and she's inspired me to relate my midget story.

My favorite restaurant hired a midget as it's host/greeter. He's stand on a box behind the counter so you couldn't tell he was short until he hopped down and led you to your table. And it always took people by surprise. And he did it intentionally because he loved the look on people's faces when they discovered he was short. He told me so.

Because I went there all the time and it was right by work, we became acquaintances. I wouldn't say friends, because we never hung out together, but we could bs back and forth in the restaurant when it was slow.

He loved to wear wild Hawaiian shirts. His nickname eventually became Baby Shoes and he called me Gulliver. One day he quit and I never saw him again. I like to think he's managing a chocolate factory somewhere.

HAL, I'm smashing the pod bay door!

If you're going to be at the World Expo in Aichi, Japan, will you pick me up one of the new bionic robot suits that gives you super strength?

Scientists have developed a bionic suit designed to help people with disabilities or the elderly to walk. HAL is short for hybrid assisted limb and prototype models actually allow people to lift more weight than they could without the HAL.

I'm scoring one of these and I'm totally going to fight crime with it. My crime fighting name:

HAL YES

That may need some work...

April 1 is for Amateurs

I don't get April Fool's Day. Most of the pranks I've ever seen have been fairly stupid. And it seems like this day just opens it up for Amateur Hour.

That being said, I still love to be on a bus and yell, "Hey, fish tracks" and see how many people I can convince to look.

My other favorite is to call my mom and ask her where something I lost is. It's just like I'm 10 all over again. I don't think she understands that this is a joke because it'll go something like this:

"Mom, where are my socks?"

"Well, where did you last see them?"

"Mom, if I knew that I wouldn't be talking on the phone to you now would I? Oh, here they are on the floor in front of the tv. Why didn't you tell me they were there?"

"I'm sorry, honey."

If it's wrong to torment your parents, I don't want to be right.

Sick or Funny

I don't know whether to think this is sick and wrong or just funny.

Decide for yourself and let me know.

Whomever came up with this probably has front row seats in Hell. Say hi to Johnny Cochrane for me.

Urban Mushing

A friend sent me this: http://www.dogpoweredscooter.com/

I've got to take up the sport of urban dog mushing. I can see the competitive aspect of this already. Iditarod can now occur year-round. The Golden Retriever finals would also be hilarious.

I'm going to need a big dog to pull my ass down to the corner to buy beer. I know there's drunk driving, but drunk mushing has got to be okay.

I'd like to see some pictures of a dog taking off after a squirrel with some poor hapless rider hanging on for dear life.

Basketball Jones

Yesterday I spent Easter in a haze of mashmellow Peeps, beer and men's NCAA basketball. Despite the drama of a third game going into overtime, I survived.

The mighty, mighty Spartans survived double OT with the Kentucky mildcats to earn a trip to St. Louis and the Final Four.

If anyone can seriously doubt that college basketball is better than college football, they smoked their lunch. In basketball they play the games in a tournament rather than let coaches, computers and the media vote on who ought to be the champion.

Unfortunately, this means another anxiety filled weekend of college hoops. I don't know anyone who watches these games calmly. Everyone yells, curses, throws things, jumps up and down and really gets into it. The game just causes passion.

I think Seinfeld said it best, "You're just cheering for laundry." Loyalty based on colors and uniforms.

Paradise Found

There's a line in Ferris Bueller's Day Off where Matthew Broderick breaks the wall and talks about stealing the Ferrari to go into Chicago. He says, "If you have the means, I certainly recommend picking one up."

Just back from two weeks in Kona, da Big Island, Hawaii. If you have the means, I certainly suggest a trip there. For me, the means meant hoarding my frequent flyer miles until I could afford a first class ticket and scouring the web for a cheap condo.

It's amazing. Kona coffee roasting on the farms, waves crashing on the lava rock, palm trees waving in the wind, snorkeling every day with green sea turtles and spinner dolphins, watching whales breach and send water cascading into the air, hiking into rain forests and erupting lava the same day. You owe it yourself to go. And it's a long freaking haul from the East coast. You will be on planes seemingly forever and getting home is worse because of the time change. Just try to be drunk the whole time.

No 'puter time for me either. Didn't bring a laptop to post and didn't hit a net cafe to even check email.

I'll try to get my shit in gear and post some pix, but no promises.

I'm here for you, Denise

In case you hadn't heard, Denise Richards has filed for divorce from her husband Charlie Sheen.

Yes, if you had less than three years in the divorce pool, you may be a winner.

Does this mean Denise is even more of a pain in the ass than we were all led to believe or that Charlie is an even bigger assbag than he plays on tv?

While I don't want kids, I'm here for you Denise. I know you're six months pregnant and already have one precious tot from bad Dad, Charlie. I don't care. I've had a crush on you ever since I had the misfortune to see Starship Troopers. Didn't know who you were, knew you couldn't act, but god you have a beautiful smile.

As long as you promise not to take any more roles as a nuclear physicist and strain the credibility of the Bond series any further, I'll make you an honest woman.

Ummm,, can we invite Neve Campbell to the wedding? Okay, okay, just asking.

Holy Cannoli

Finally finished watching the first episode of The Amazing Race last night thanks to the magical powers of Tivo -- device of the gods. I do not know why watching strangers get lost, mangle foreign languages (and often English), and the randomness of which cab you pick often determining the outcome of the race is so entertaining to me.

Anyway, it's been determined that I do an awesome impression of Rob (of Amber & Rob from Survivor). Typically, I've only done a little riff on Rob talking about Amber's physical assets. If you don't remember this discussion from one of the Survivor seasons, it went a little something like this:

"I don't know if she's playin' me or I'm playin' her, but that Ambuh's got a smokin' ass."

It's hard to relate via typing only as this is really a performance piece. He sounds a bit like Elmer Fudd and I incorporate that into my impression.

Anyway, during a leg of the race, there are two zip lines that the contestants have to swing down over a ravine. During his, Rob yells out "Holy Cannoli!"

That's definitely going into the act.

Pod People

Slaving for the Ipod currently. I put something like 450 songs on the pod last weekend in preparation of my trip. I've still got three big stacks of cd's on my desk that I've got to pound in before Sat morn. Just grabbed stuff from the 6 shelves. Couldn't find any Hendrix, Michelle "Evil Gal" Wilson. Didn't get nearly enough Petty.

Hawaii for two weeks sounds good. Hawaii for two weeks with a fully loaded pod to keep from having to talk to anyone on the plane sounds better.

Also grabbed two Irish music cd's because I can't imagine what St. Patty's in the islands is like. Figured I'd need a musical fix to soothe the mick in me while I'm there.

Seriously cutting corners though. Last time I sifted through every album and didn't put in any song I didn't like. With that many CD's, I can afford to be picky. Last time I built play lists as I went and had all the Bruce and Southside Johnny in one list called Jersey Boys. Had an excellent work out list with all the funk and rhythym. Also an excellent party mix that I used to ride my bike to.

This time it's put in a cd, pick up a book, wait for the bing. Lather, rinse, repeat. Where will it all end?

I had a weird idea though that may be worth a short story. What if someone found someone's I-pod and fell in love with them? I think this may have been done with a planner or a briefcase or something. You could have the name of the person because of an inscription on the back. And the songs and playlists the person had would reveal more and more about the person. I don't know how they'd meet and you'd have all the tension about whether the person would be like you imagined. I don't know, maybe worth a shot. At least the soundtrack would rock.

So now if I really do lose my pod and someone finds it, they'll find all this Bob & Tom and Irish music and have me institutionalized.

Tivo is God to Me

I couldn't stand to watch the Academy Awards in real time last night. I'll fast forward through all the boring parts tonight. It's kind of a pain to be 24 hours after the entire world and there's not much suspense because you already know who won the big awards. But I can't stomach the technical awards for all the random stuff I don't care about.

And now these people don't even get to come up on the stage. Or else they're up there in a group line up. Not a lot of dignity for the lesser awards, but then if we whacked all that crap, you could be in an out in an hour. Chris Rock's funniest line of the night was how next year these people will get their awards in the parking lot.

Star Jones need to shut the fuck up. We don't care what you think, Star. We want to know what the real stars think. It's not about you, Star. Let the others have their moment.

Sorry that Scorcese didn't win again. But Hitchcock and Robert Altmann are both five time losers for Best Director as well. That's not bad company.

Man Sues For Unwanted Pregnancy

Dr. Richard O. Phillips has accused Dr. Sharon Irons of misusing semen obtained through oral sex to become pregnant.

It's true. And my favorite quote:

She asserts that when the plaintiff "delivered" his sperm, it was a gift.
There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon
request."

That's just plain icky.

Whatever the outcome of the case, I'm betting the child will be the "spitting image" of the father.

Wow is that bad.

Dirty Little Secret

I absolutely love Survivor. While never watching the first one, I've been hooked ever since season 2.

It's silly and the truly deserving people never win. Unless you count Rupert. But then they had to make up another million dollar popular vote award so he could win.

They always gang up on the strongest people and vote them off way too early so that they're never a threat. If you're an ex-Navy pilot who teaches survival training, don't bother to unpack your bags. People just fly under the radar and snake into the finals having never one a challenge.

I typically don't like "reality tv" because it's not reality. Most of it's staged and not very well at that.

They should have the next Survivor in Central Park. Let a few yahoos try to camp out there and survive off of hot dogs lifted from cart men and avoid the muggers. Now that would be a challenge and the show would literally be about survival.

When I'm in staff meetings, I think about who I'd vote out of my meeting or how I'd apply Survivor rules to other shows. If they ever put the Queer Eye guys on Survivor, Jai is so gone.

Buy Those Girls Some Kamikazes

When I was younger (why do all these stories start that way), my roomie, Scott, my buddy Petey and I were at the bar. Petey had not initially wanted to go out for the evening and had plead poverty. After much whining, Petey caved and came out with us.

As a little background, Petey was a great buddy. A little nerdy, curly hair, glasses and a dry sense of humor. We didn't think he'd ever been laid and made it our goal to try to change that during our last year of law school.

We had been cocktailing it for a while and by this time in the evening, Petey was both drunk and out of money. We'd also managed to strike up a conversation with two girls around the corner of the bar from us. We were doing okay, but definitely not into full court press mode by any stretch of the imagination.

Petey, who by this point had his head on the bar (and probably was being supported by Scotty and I) raises his head to assess the situation. He saw that Scott and I were making some progress with the ladies, but things were still of an indeterminate nature.

Petey pipes up with, "If I had any money, I'd buy those girls some kamikazes." And promptly goes to sleep on the bar. We were not able to take Petey's advice because the ladies fled immediately after Petey's exclamation.

It was either that or Scotty dedicating a song by Tiffany (I Think We're Alone Now) to me over the dj booth's microphone. That's enough to scare anyone off.

Even Gorillas Love Nipples

In San Francisco, two women are suing the Gorilla Foundation (home of Koko the allegedly sign language speaking ape) for being pressured to expose their breasts to bond with the animal.

It's true, I'm not making this up. Even Yahoo was reporting it so it has to be true.

If you're an AOL subscriber, you might remember that Koko hosted an online chat last year.

As an indication of Koko's nipple fixation, Stephen Sommers (the attorney filing the suit) said, "There's a history with this nipple thing," leafing through the chat transcript and pointing out the word "nipple" -- which he'd highlighted in pink -- each time it appeared.

Well if you're going to highlight the word "nipple" of course you'd use a pink highlighter.

Two Doors Down

We had so much snow in the Great Grey North that my Fabio-mobile (Chysler Sebring convertible so named by my buddy Dan) got stuck in the street two houses from mine this morning.

Luckily, I knew the guy whose house I was in front of. He dug me out and my car is currently sitting in his driveway while I wait for the snowplow to come down our street. They've plowed the main roads, but we've just got too much snow for my little car. I'll just get high centered if I try to go out again.

So I'm multi-crapping from home. Watching tube, doing work email, blogging, enjoying work in my jammies and downloading music to my I-pod. Wish I'd have thought of this before I went and got my car stuck at 7:00 am this morn.

Definitely have to buy Ryan (the guy who dug me out) a bottle of scotch as a thank you. Nothing says thank you like Johnny Walker Black.

The Horrible Napkin Holder Incident

When I was younger and more of a troublemaker, I had an incident with my parents. It may have been the only time where I absolutely stumped my Mom & Pop.

I was dating this girl and we were going to pick up a pizza and go to the park for an impromptu picnic. Plus I knew we'd wind up making out on the blanket and rolling around in the grass. Ah, youth.

Anyway, at the pizza place, I realize we don't have any napkins or paper towels. So I swipe a napkin dispenser. You know, the metal kind that stand up and you pull great wads of paper napkins out of. I steal the whole thing right off a table on the way out the door. And of course, my date sees that I'm a bad boy (at least as far as restaurant supplies go) and smart enough to save my whole MacGuyver plan from going awry.

After my date, I take the napkin dispenser from my car and leave it on our kitchen table. No idea why I did this. The common flaw of hubris is my guess. Just wanted to make sure someone other than I could appreciate the genius that was my caper.

The next morning is Sunday and my Mom is immediately on me. "Where did this come from?" I finally cave to the whole story and promise that I'll take it back to the pizza place at some later time. Really I just figured I'd throw it away somewhere and pretend I was never dumb enough to bring it into the house.

So later we're in the church parking lot along with some lady and her two daughters whom we had given a ride. Just as we're getting ready to get out of the car, one of the little girls gets a huge nosebleed. My Dad is pulling out a handkerchief, Mom is trying to find kleenax in her purse, the lady is scrambling for anything in her purse.

I look right at my Mom and say: "Boy a napkin dispenser would come in handy right about now."

I think that was right about the time when my parents started to realize I was nuts. To this day, my family won't talk about the Horrible Napkin Dispenser Incident.

Grey Goosed

In case you missed it, Retief Goosen is not playing in this week's PGA tour event, the Nissan Open at the Riviera Country Club in Los Angeles. He got disqualified for missing his tee time at the pro-am event on Wednesday at 6:40 am.

Apparently he overslept and a new rule this year states that if you miss a tee time in the pro-am, you're dq'ed. This rule is in place because most professionals notoriously hate playing with the amateurs.

The story gets even better though. On Tuesday night, Retief was the host at a party for his new sponsor Grey Goose Vodka. The LA Times is reporting that during the party he told reporters:

"I have never really drunk vodka, but I've had a few tonight. Somebody is going to have to drive me home."

What makes this story even better is that at the party, they passed out a press release and quoted Goose as saying:

"I have long enjoyed the smooth taste of Grey Goose vodka and am pleased to have the brand join my team of supporters as I play on tour. This will be a lot of fun."

I hate when the truth gets in the way of our public relations.

Pants on Fire

The recent purchaser of the Minnesota Vikings, Reggie Fowler, is in some hot water for the biography his Public Relations firm handed out at the press conference announcing the transaction. A lot of people are reporting this but it makes it no less funny.

In his bio, it claimed:

• He played in the Little League World Series
• He had a degree in Business Administration
• He played for the Cinncinnati Bengals
• He played for the Canadian Football League's Calgary Stampeders

Umm, I'll take "Lies We Tell To Women in Bars" for $500, Alex.

The "clarification" being shopped around is that a draft copy of his bio was inadvertantly handed out. I'm sure some toady at the firm is taking it in the neck this week.

Apparently, the real story is:

He played on a little league team that won it's league and everyone in town called it the World Series. And by winning their league they were eligible for the real Little League World Series which eveyone really cares about and you can watch on tv.

His degree from the University of Wyoming was in Social Work not Business. With the trouble the Vikings get into off the field, Social Work may have been a better choice. Mr. Moss, let's talk about your anger issues....

Played for professional football teams? Well okay, he went to training camps with both teams and got waived before ever playing a down in any game. Yet that's still not what his Fact Sheet claims.

This reminds me of a line from a comedian (whose name I can't recall):

Always bring a copy of your resume to the interview for yourself. You may not be able to remember all the things you made up.

Jordaninan Online Dating

A Jordanian man has divorced his wife after discovering that she was his online girlfriend. I'm not making this up. As reported by the New Kerala (I have no idea either).

Bakr Melhem (the man) had been talking to a woman online for several months. When they finally agreed to meet at a bus station, he discovered it was his wife.

Leaving aside the question of why you'd agree to a hook up at a bus station, do you think the Pina Colada Song was playing when they met?

Ipodus Interruptus

I finally finished re-installing my operating system (Win XP) for the second time on my computer. What a pain. But I really think Gates wants you to do this about every year to keep your machine in tip top condition. You'll never get a virus or an identity theft if you're computer never connects to the internet.

So now I've got almost no software on my machine again. I'm combing through old boxes to find cd's to finish up the re-installation of the stuff I really use. Glad the old Blog is web-based and not machine-based.

Anyway, I also wound up blowing away my entire music library on my I-pod. I think it was when I had never upgraded the software (because I couldn't get to SP2) and when it finally did update, it whacked my old library. It was supposed to keep an old version of my library, but it didn't. I looked in the folder where it was supposed to be and there's nothing there.

That's a lot of work down the drain. Last time I checked, my pod had something like 4 days of music on it. Luckily it was mostly from my cd collection and not stuff I'd bought. I think I only lost an album or two. Clapton's last album was one of them. It was the only one I'd never bought in reality and only had virtually. I've learned a valuable lesson, Record Industry. I know you really want us to have bright shiny objects in our hands to listen to and not just data. I promise I'll go right to Amazon and order the CD.

Snackmaster Monday

Today at Virtucon in honor of Cupid is Stupid day, a bunch of people are bringing in food. Now I don't know what goes on at a normal office. Perhaps a lame potluck where people bring dishes that always feature either a can of Cream of Chicken or Cream of Mushroom soup? Our office rocks though.

If you don't know what a Snackmaster is, it's like a waffle machine, but it's used to make grilled/sealed sandwiches. You put bread in both sides and then it seals them into perfect halves kind of like a home made Hot Pocket. Typically you'll also jam in some cheese. While I don't understand why people need a separate machine to make what is essentially a grilled cheese sandwich, a bunch of people in our team have one. How we discovered this odd bit of trivia, I don't recall.

Anyway, people here go nuts. We all bring in various foodstuffs that we have kicking around our collective houses: pizza sauce, mushrooms, cheese (obviously), pepperoni, green peppers, onions, ham, eggs, smoked sausage, hamburger, whatever. We wind up doing both breakfast and lunch of grilled sandwiches. While I'm sure we'd rather have an omelette cart, it's the best we can do.

So if anyone has any panini/hot pocket recipes, be sure to post them.

So Long Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu

One of my former bosses is leaving Virtucon after 15 years. She was fab, but is leaving the Great Grey North for warmer climes, a better job, and more fun. That's what happens when you abuse people for too long. They vote with their feet.

I don't think the Big Brains understand quite how valuable an employee they are losing. In addition to handling more than her fair share of work, she was great at developing people. She was able to take one of our more difficult clients and handle him impeccably. I guess that's what comes of being a professional.

What made her such a great boss? She always gave us silly little gifts on the holidays. I think I may still have Easter candy from last year kicking around my office. She protected us from the Big Brains when they didn't understand what we were doing, why we were doing it and what good it did for the company. I loved how when she asked you to take on an additional task she was apologizing for it. I had to cover a video shoot with one of her clients once and she was falling all over herself. I'm used to a boss who swoops and dumps. No apologies, just do it lackey. She was awesome.

We wish her well and are already missing her.

Super Bowl Illing

I had to attend a going away soiree for a good friend of mine on last Friday. She's leaving Virtucon after 15 years. (A post on that topic will have to wait as I've been kicking it around for about 2 weeks now.)

So one of the co-hosts of the party is so sick that she can't even talk. But she can scurry around and fetch people stuff and she got me a frosty beverage. Two days later I'm sick with a sore throat and can't talk.

It kept me from yelling the following things at the tv on Super Bowl Sunday:

• I'm $ure Brad Pitt ha$ hi$ rea$on$ for doing that ad.
• Why is McNabb throwing another fucking interception.
• Get off the fucking pylon cam and give me a goddamn real camera angle.
• I don't care who you are, monkeys is funny.
• Run the no huddle offense you fuck.
• Belichick was no genius when he was in Cleveland.
• The Patriots aren't a dynasty because they never cover the spread.

That was the most boring 3 point game in history. McCartney was the highlight of the whole game.

Where is Kramer When You Need Him

We have a great office team at Virtucon. Unfortunately, we can also look across our hall at the not so great teams. And we know they can see us. We're out in our open space: collaborating, adding value, talking about sex, thinking up new ways to make the world a better place one web site at a time.

Unfortunately, one of the people from across the hall saw us. She came over and realized it was okay to talk to other people at work, have fun, kick ass at your job and maybe even enjoy it. Naturally, when she'd return to her team across the hall, she'd just get frustrated at their drone-ishness.

And while she was really nice, she.. ummm....how can I put this in a nice way? She had freaky hair. Marge Simpson hair, Betty Bouffant's do, a freakin' beehive hairdo from hell.

Despite our team's extremely direct nature, no one could bring themselves to tell her, "Why don't you change your hair?"

We had long discussions about who should do it. We tried getting everyone to draw straws. We even got into hairstylist discussions with her about where we got our hair done. Where do you get your hair done? You could feel the tension building in the air as we all danced around the subject of hair. But no one could pull the trigger. We were all too afraid of hurting her feelings. We needed a Cosmo Kramer.

She took another job at another company and is now gone. I'm wondering if her new co-workers are all sitting around trying to work up their courage to ask her about her hair.

How do you tell someone you don't know very well something they probably don't want to hear?

Great Grey North

It's never warm enough here to really melt all the snow we get during the Winter. It melts off the streets, so you can actually drive rather than just aim your car around town.

But because of the snow plows, there are these huge mountains (usually in the corner of every parking lot) that don't truly melt until about July 4th.

It's awe-inspiring to see these great, grey monoliths to the snow removal industry that tower over everything. They're easily 20 feet tall. Every now and then you'll actually see kids trying to either tube or snowboard down them due to the painful influence of the X games on our national psyche. This will only end in tragedy.

I wish they were white, but they turn as they age in some kind of reverse winter rite of passage. Grey ugly monoliths. Ugh.

More Dates? Avoid Showering

Research in England showed that women who used a synthetic pheremone had a 68% increase in "at least four intimate socio-sexual behaviours."

What's a socio-sexual behaviour? Sex and formal dates are two.

What are the other two? Kissing, backrub, foot massage? No idea.

Too bad the pheremone was "from a young woman's armpit sweat." Ick.

From the Times of India, "Women's armpit scent attract men."