The Horrible Napkin Holder Incident

When I was younger and more of a troublemaker, I had an incident with my parents. It may have been the only time where I absolutely stumped my Mom & Pop.

I was dating this girl and we were going to pick up a pizza and go to the park for an impromptu picnic. Plus I knew we'd wind up making out on the blanket and rolling around in the grass. Ah, youth.

Anyway, at the pizza place, I realize we don't have any napkins or paper towels. So I swipe a napkin dispenser. You know, the metal kind that stand up and you pull great wads of paper napkins out of. I steal the whole thing right off a table on the way out the door. And of course, my date sees that I'm a bad boy (at least as far as restaurant supplies go) and smart enough to save my whole MacGuyver plan from going awry.

After my date, I take the napkin dispenser from my car and leave it on our kitchen table. No idea why I did this. The common flaw of hubris is my guess. Just wanted to make sure someone other than I could appreciate the genius that was my caper.

The next morning is Sunday and my Mom is immediately on me. "Where did this come from?" I finally cave to the whole story and promise that I'll take it back to the pizza place at some later time. Really I just figured I'd throw it away somewhere and pretend I was never dumb enough to bring it into the house.

So later we're in the church parking lot along with some lady and her two daughters whom we had given a ride. Just as we're getting ready to get out of the car, one of the little girls gets a huge nosebleed. My Dad is pulling out a handkerchief, Mom is trying to find kleenax in her purse, the lady is scrambling for anything in her purse.

I look right at my Mom and say: "Boy a napkin dispenser would come in handy right about now."

I think that was right about the time when my parents started to realize I was nuts. To this day, my family won't talk about the Horrible Napkin Dispenser Incident.