Jesus Thinks You're a Jerk

I know Sweet Baby Jebus can save. But not shoot and score like the Detroit Red Wings.

And Sweet Baby Jebus can heal of course.

But I never knew he could do triage.



Now you may be wondering, "T2ed, aren't you worried about going to hell for making fun of Sweet Baby Jebus?"

First, no. I've had my front row seats in hell for a long time. And that's where all the rock and roll music is going to be. Where do you think all the rockers are going to be? Enjoy the harp music in heaven, losers.

Second, I'm not making fun of Sweet Baby Jebus. I'm making fun of the marketing sleezemonkey who is using religion to make a buck. Off knock off bandages that are probably chock full 'o Chinese lead. Because you know those bandages won't even cure your psychosomatic stigmata.


But if religious themed medical prods are going to be the next marketing weasel rage, may I humbly submit the following:

• Buddha Band-Aids
• Rasta Man Rubbers
• Methodist of Magnesia
• Cathaholics Anonymous
• Latter Day Saints Latex Gloves
• Jehovah's Witnesses Walker
• Shintoist Shower Chair
• Allah Air Purifier (smells just like Mecca!)
• Pagan Pill Organizer
• Taoist Thermometer
• Sikh Stethoscope
• Christ on a Crutch Crutches

Feel free to play along at home, kids.

Hope that was suitably offensive to everyone and no one got left out. If you've somehow managed not to be offended, there's always tomorrow.

And now I'm going to have Frank Z. stuck in my head all day.

Gangster's Paradise Found

In Dallas, Texas, a high school student was told she had to take off her rosary because it was a gang symbol.

For you pagan readers out there (like me), a rosary is the necklace of prayer bead them Catholics wear. And they often rub them as they pray whenever Notre Dame is losing at football or they need one more number for Bingo. That's a pix I swiped from the intertubes over there.

Anyhoo, Tabitha Ruiz has some school security guards at Seagoville High School (home of the Dragons) tell her the rosary had to go because it was "gang-related."

Now having been raised a Suburb Mouse (just like a City Mouse but further away), I'll confess that my school lacked certain things like security guards or metal detectors or relevant educational curriculum. But by God we learned to diagram sentences and spot a hypotenuse and dissect a frog and do the Bear Hug Slow Dance and lots of other stuff that I never use in my day to day existence. We didn't have a gang at my school but you didn't want to get on the wrong side of the Glee Club or they'd sing at your house in the middle of the night with some lyrics that were decidedly racy and you'd have quite a bit of explaining to do to your parents come morning.

But this reporter did some digging and despite the fact that this news story came from Fox News, there does seem to be a shred of truth in the reporting. Seagoville, Texas has a huge influx of Religious Themed Gangs.

Wow, it took a really long time to get here today, didn't it? Thanks for your patience. But then it's not like you've got a bunch of astrophysics research you ought to be working on.

Here, then, are the Religious Themed Gangs Rampant in Texas

• Bishop Bloods
• Fightin' Friars
• Criptatholics
• Muthadefrockers
• Dire Deacons
• Rumblin' Richelieus
• Automatic de Fe
• Vaticangstaz
• SoundaMarias
• 9 Mil Nuns
• Tabernacle T-birds (they even have their own theme song)
• Purgatory Pink Ladies
• Schism Sharks
• Automatic Angels
• Jesuit Jets
• Synod Sinners
• Genumuthaflectors
• Purple Padres
• Altar Boyz Antichrists
• Chuck O'Malley Maulers
• Flanagangtaz

If you think you see any correlation between these gangs and a bunch of old movies, you must be mistaken. Now get back to watching all those Touched By An Angel re-runs.

I'm sure if you keep your eyes open, you'll find some Religious Gangs in your nape of the woods and will be able to share them here so we can all be on the look out for these hooligans and rapscallions.

Penny Lane

Whilst my mind was still reeling from the most important news ever (and Chad, don't let the door hit you in the butt) on the drive in to work today, I couldn't help but notice the swell fire engine red Nissan Maxima next to me was drifting into my lane. Now as there are actually three lanes to choose from on this particular stretch of the highway to hell, I thought it odd that someone would suddenly choose my lane for their fine driving experience.

So I glanced over at my colleague in commuting and noticed that she appeared to be both texting on her Zeno and putting on mascara. What's that? A Zeno isn't a portable communications device, it's an acne treatment? I thought Zeno was just some crummy philosopher, so what do I know. Stupid liberal arts degree.

Anyhoo, because I noticed my fellow driver seemed somewhat distracted by her multi-tasking, I gave a friendly little toot of my horn to alert her to the impending predicament. Immediately realizing how helpful I was being, she responded by leaving my lane and the close proximity to my vehicle and veered across her lane and narrowly avoided a brush with disaster on the other side of her car. In all the impending excitement, I believe she may have even dropped her Zeno and mascara brush.

Because we were luckily soon stopped at the very next light (because the helpful people at UDOT like to make sure we have all the latest technology so that we never miss the opportunity to sight see at the latest flora and fauna development at every possible stop light on our commute), we all could collect our breath and have a hearty chuckle at our collective experiences which only made us enjoy every precious moment of life even more. Luckily, I love the wind in my hair so I had all my windows down and my fellow commuter could see me shaking my head back and forth as I had so greatly enjoyed our adventure together.

She must have been really having trouble finding that mascara brush she dropped as she responded by giving me the finger. Now this is not a gesture I am unfamiliar with as Michigan drivers are also very expressive. But as I had been driving in my lane only and not attempting to use two lanes where clearly one would suffice, I may have responded by yelling back at my fellow driver. Kids, don't try this at home. Because I have been trained in media relations and understand communications theory, I know the right thing to say to put fellow drivers at ease. Unfortunately, this was a morning commute and I wasn't fully engaged to respond with the appropriate amount of tonguefoolery to which you and I are typically accustomed.

Instead, I yelled out the first thing that came to mind:

"Sweet Baby Jesus loves you!"

My fellow driver was so stunned by this expression of love that she merely waved and smiled instead of pulling the gun which she surely had in her glove compartment.

And that's the moral of our story, kids. Just act like a crazy person and others will leave you the hell alone. As I soon have a plane ride in my future, I look forward to responding to the inquiry whether anyone is sitting here with the phrase, "Just me and the Lord."

Drive safe. And try to stay in your lane on the way home.

This I Swear

If your get rich quick scheme to cash in big time so you can finally afford that Texas Gulf coast waterfront property, is to own a non-swearing bar, it's not going to work.

That's what a Christian couple found out the hard way.

John & Krista Fleming bought The King's Head pub in Inslington, North London, England. Then they promptly banned cursing. I swear to God they did.

The business promptly tanked. Hmm, people must like getting their curse on whilst getting their drink on.

The CC's soon lost their pub but continue to live in the apartment upstairs. How much do you think the King's Head regulars like yelling curses loud enough for the upstairs couple to hear?

There's a lot going on her. First, why'd the CC's buy the pub? Maybe they were going to change the name and go all Religious Right (who are neither) on the menu. Call it The Crucifix and serve stuff like Pontius Pilot Potato Skins and Jesus Jerk Chicken Sammiches and Luke's Luscious Latkes. And show lots of hockey games with good goalies. Because when Satan shoots, Jesus saves. What would Jesus drink? Cristal of course.

Second, when the brewery who ran the pub wanted to bring in new managers, the CC's barricaded themselves inside. In typical shoddy reporting, there's absolutely no mention of how this worked out. But then if I were going to be taken hostage, I'd certainly want it to be in a pub. "Hey, hey, hey, let's not just run off half-cocked and surrender at the first sign of a SWAT team. It's not even Happy Hour."

So what did we learn this week, kids?

People like to use the swears when they get their drink on. This I swear.

Don't name your celebrity progeny something stupid unless you've got pre-paid therapy arranged.

Always check your bra for bats or ask a helpful man to do it for you.

Wear long sleeves while you ride your hog at high speeds or the "bat wings" will slow you down. Not just the vibrating ones in your bra.

The Cult Of Personali-T2ed

There’s been a lot about polygamy in the news lately. That’s what armed raids and tv cameras do for you. And I’m little surprised that with Texas cops, we didn’t get more gunplay. As a quick aside, I think all cops should have to wear cowboy hats when they do interviews. It just makes it easier to tell the good guys from the bad guys. And if they raid an Indian casino, that would be great. But because the Beehive State has a, let us say, slightly unique view on polygamy, I can’t keep my piehole shut no longer.

Now the kooks they raided in Eldorado are a franchise of the same guy they nabbed a couple years ago near Vegas. His name was Jeffs. He’s currently in the joint for a couple of 5 to lifes after he got caught in his SUV on the way to Vegas thanks to the technological advances in vehicle tracking. Don’t you love it when I talk all prisony? I like that a cult has franchises. And apparently these particular loonies (not to be confused with the Canadian dollar) think that the best way to grow their “church” is through inseminating and not sermon-ating.

Now because I only have 1 wife, people in Utah think I’m strange. So I’m going to start my own church, The Cult of PersonaliT2ed. Cult may not sell well with the squares so I’ll probably have to go with something a little sneakier to get the dough of the rubes who fall for this. How ‘bout The Baptists? That’s taken?! Who knew?

Okay, time for Plan B from Outer Space. I think we’ll go with the Church of Righteous Angelical Paterfamilias. Our beliefs are that you can only achieve eternal salvation by bestowing large amounts of money to me the Church. To help people in that regard, we’ll have continuous bingo, keno, monte carlo nights and raffles at the Temple. And our Church will be righteous in it’s nature and unconfineable in its majesty. No building can hold the power of the Paterfamilias. We will often be found worshiping early on as many mornings as possible in wide open spaces as we drive Satan from the earth and curse him loudly. Whenever I start talking like that, I hear Samuel L. Jackson in my head.

We also believe that intoxicating liquors are the work of the Ole Man Debil. To protect our brethren, we shall take all such substances unto ourselves and forbid the flock from consumption and require that they consecrate our Holy Monday Services with their harvest.


Where the Church of Righteous Angelical Paterfamilias is different from most religions is in their treatment of women. While a lot of churches view the role of women to be solely that of procreators, we believe women are much more than that. They will the the shining beacon of what humankind can become: caregiver, nurturer, entertainer, health inspector, maid. We will not put women on a pedestal. Nay, it shall be a stage and they will let their praise wash over us. And their gyrations and white boots and spinning tassles shall show their rapture.


What I don't get is why the men want multiple wives. Sure it sounds like a great plan--a different woman every night. But you know that the other wives are going to be sitting around talking about you. And do you think that discussion will be about how much they miss you? Plus, I can't imagine what the phone and credit card bills would be like. Plus, if you have multiple wives, you get multiple mother in laws. Can you imagine what it's like to be told multiple times by multiple wives that it's time to take the garbage out? Or getting the old, "I'll bet you'd wash the dishes for your 15th wife."

I really don't understand why these wives go for it. I mean if someone invites you out for dinner and says, "We'll just be hanging out around the compound" warning bells should be going off in your head. Maybe they think he must be a good catch and a good provider because he's already providing for 9 other women.

Now I gotta go. I've got 12 wives who've timed their cycle, so I've got to pick up several gallons of chocolate ice cream and give a shiatload of foot massages tonight.

Just In Time for Halloween

I can't believe someone is doing this to their kid. This is why people shouldn't get high and pick names.

We just got first communion invitations from a couple who named their kid Damien. And it's for this Sunday. Yeah, right before Halloween. Is that spooky or what? I'm not sure, but his middle name might be Beelzebub.

If the church roof doesn't collapse, I'm going to be sure to check that kid's head for a 666 tattoo. Or I might let slip, "Hey, he has three 9's on his head." Just to be on the safe side, I'm wearing a hockey mask and bringing a chain saw. I hope they give out candy.

I can tell you one thing, no kid better ever pick on 'lil Damien Beelzebub on the playground. Oh he'll fry their brain with his evil powers.

Nunsense

At the Santa Clara Convent in Bari, Italy, the three remaining nuns recently turned to fisticuffs to settle their dispute. Rrrow, catfight. Let's get rrrready to rrrrepent!

In August sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista turned on the Mother Superior Liliana and scratched Lil's face and threw her to the ground. Now the responsible Archbishop has asked the Vatican for permission to close the convent. Who wouldn't want to go enforce that eviction notice?

The three sisters are Clarissa nuns and order supposedly the most austere and supposedly devoted to a life of prayer, penance and quiet contemplation. Apparently, they're contemplating a order of whup ass.

To help bolster it's flagging ratings, ESPN is adding the following fighters to The Contender:

• Sister Lilianna aka The Mother Superior of Kicking Posterior (112 lbs, 93 yrs)
• Sister Ivana of the Immaculate Right Cross Piccolo (115 lbs, 107 yrs)
• Mary Catherine "The Habit Breaker" O'Shaunessey (135 lbs, 25 yrs)
• Andrea "The Assaulter from the Altar" Chiccolini (84 lbs, 67 yrs)
• Angelina "The Nundertaker" Cappuccine (99 lbs, 74 yrs)
• Francesca "El Guapo" del Torrez (95 lbs, 57 yrs)
• Katrina "Boom Boom" Mendoza (102 lbs, 45 yrs and southpaw)
• Estelle "En Spiritu Sassy" Saachi (103 lbs, 103 yrs)

Can't wait for this show now.