Year 3000

As it's nearing the end of the year, I'm not giving you some crummy re-run clip show. This is actual new content. Still not very good content, but that's not the point.

Learn from our history, kids. Or your destined to repeat it. Just like that pesky 9th grade when you discovered the joys of cutting school and smoking behind the portables.

THINGS I LEARNED IN 2008

• Blagojevich rhymes with prison bitch.
• Rhesus monkeys are not filled with peanut butter.
• It's okay to stab people but not use a gun to steal football memorabilia.
• It's okay to give money to broke financial companies but not broke car companies.
• When your boss and project manager are laid off, do not believe the corporate messaging that all is well.
• The Lions suck every year but some years historically so.
• Healthy grilling does not mean that you sit in the shade with your beer and a stick.
• People will watch anything on tv: karaoke, dancing, card playing and Howie Mandel.
• The weather is only news when it happens on the East Coast.
• Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
• Dave is still funnier than Jay.
• Dogs are the only animal that will allow you to take their manhood yet will still lick your face.
• The Irish are a maudlin and annoying people. Even more so if they're your relatives.
• Excessively tapping your foot in an airport bathroom is not an expression of free speech.
• Hollywood has no ideas except for those found in comic books.
• Coldplay steals. And still sucks.
• Montana is mostly cows and not people.

That's it kids. I learned nothing else. Unless I forgot it.

Billy Don't Be a Hero

I thought I'd remind you all that I still live in Hicksville Central aka the Mild, Mild West.

Yesterday, as the Wife and I were headed out to engage in some public mastication involving rich, bacony goodness, we had a bit of a traffic problem.

Some yahoo in the left hand land was completely stopped. Now as such Sunday morn asshattery is not unknown to us, I simply shifted to the right lane and headed by the slowed pick up truck.

Which is when we saw the goat.

I'll type that again.

We saw a goat.

Standing in the left lane of the road. A five land road. Two on each side with a left turn lane in the middle. We're talking a major thoroughfare here, kids.

And this didn't look to be a wild mountain goat. He was wearing a blue collar and seemed well cared for. No, that's not him up there. I failed to tote the Canon Powershot this morn as I didn't anticipate a National Geographic encounter.

And as we headed to the post office to drop off some mail en route to the breaky joint, the goat followed us.

Which is when the dog in the back seat (Gman, for you faithful readers) saw the goat. And Guinness said, "Hey, let me out so I can go chase that goat." It just sounded like really loud whining to the non-dog talkers in the car. Luckily, I'm fluent in hairball.

I immediately posited the theory that the goat was actually employed by the Post Office to eat all the mail they didn't feel like delivering. Like everything between Nov. 26 until Jan. 3rd. But the Wife thought I was just crazy. Per uzh.

We then saw a cop and wondered if we should pull over and tell the cop about the goat roaming the streets. But I didn't feel like taking a field sobriety test before breakfast. We also rejected the idea of capturing the goat and making our own cheese. Stupid fascist homeowners association with their crummy no goat racism.

I like to think Billy eventually found his way home to his owner and they had the best post Xmas ever and attributed his return to an Xmas miracle wherein angels and bells ringing were involved. Or maybe some Jamaicans nabbed him and they'll be enjoying some curried goat as they ring in the New Year. In the end, each ending is happy when you think about it.

Enjoy the week, kids.

Autograph?

I don't know why I find this chart so hilar. But I do.

Maybe this means Santa will bring me all those video games I asked for this Xmas.


more music charts

And you thought the lists were bad....

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Sticky Fingers

It's almost D day, kids. Well, X day anyway. You've got just a week to come up with some Xmas loot that's going to shut those kids up for a while so you can get some peace and quiet.

Sure, you could call my toll free number at 1-900-SantaMe (only $2.95 per minute) to let your kids pretend to talk to one of Santa's helpers. And if that voice on the other end has an accent that sounds suspiciously like Chinese, don't worry. The Chinese don't celebrate Xmas, but they're really our elves. Because they make all the toys. And hardly and lead in them this year.

And while Santa Claus isn't an international phenomenon (but he has aliases like Father Christmas and Kris Kringle and Jennifer Garner), around the world, kids all want the same thing: a stick.

That's Sean Morey singing in case you didn't recognize him.

Get shopping kids!

Just Another Xmas Song

If you didn't get the chance to catch the Stephen Colbert Christmas Special on Comedy Central, you can still pick up the dvd in plenty of time for the holidays. No, I'm not secretly Stephen Colbert (as far as you know) nor do I get a dime for each disc that moves.

I just appreciate funny stuff when I see it.

You can too. This is the opening.

Enjoy.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: Another Christmas Song

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

Present Tense

I don't want to put any pressure on you, but it's only 2 weeks until Xmas. That's right, you better have something decent for that loved one in your life. Not like last year when you bought everything at the truck stop. Sure the flowers were nice, but no one wants to get jerky for the holidays. Even if it is that swell teriyaki flavor in the one pound bag.

So here are some tips (many, many tips) for your holiday shopping.

Gift Cards: Giving these are really popular right now. Stores like them because they've got your money now and with any luck your giftee will misplace it. That's just one flaw in your cunning plan. The other? Sure, you think you're getting someone something from their favorite store. You've just given them an errand. Thanks, you shouldn't have. And even worse. You've told them exactly how much they mean to you. It's a nice round figure. Do you really want that special someone to know you value your relationship at the figure of exactly $100? Didn't think so.

Pets: It seems so romantic. You get him or her a puppy. Don't. Pet shelters get more pets in January than any other months of the year. It may sound like a good idea. But when Sparky chews up her Jimmy Choo's, do you still think she'll be happy with him? Or you?

A Donation In Your Name: The ultimate scam gift. Actually not a bad idea if you're a complete cheapskate. Just get an official looking card (and you can probably download one) and tell them you made a very generous donation. You bought goats for the entire village in their name. Thanks, I'm sure those goats are much better than getting me Rock Band 2. Don't fake adopting a kid though, because you'll eventually have to pony up some more letters and a picture. Keep it simple. No goat is going to want to be your pen pal.

Lingerie: Really a gift for you not for her. And what's the deal with lingerie? Victoria's Secret? She's a man, baby. As a complete tangent, I don't get lingerie. When did lace covering ever clinch the deal for anyone? By the time in the evening wherein I might be able to see whether or not my sex kitten-elect might be wearing lingerie, I'd made up my mind a long time ago about whether we would or wouldn't. It's not like I would all of a sudden see the cat suit and say, "Nope, I'm outta here." To put it in gift giving terms, even a really great wrap job on a pair of socks isn't going to make you glad you got a pair of socks.

Clothing: A good idea in theory. Never works out in practice. First, if you get the size wrong, she thinks you think she's fat. Unless you really want to play this up and get her a size 5 and act like that's what size you think she is. She may appreciate how deluded you are. Second, people don't buy other people what they want they buy what they want them to wear. It's why women give men blazers and men give women lingerie. Don't buy for you, buy for them. But it's probably just best to avoid the temptation to get her to wear that monogrammed football jersey and go with....

Jewelry: Yeah, I don't get it. But women love the sparkly stuff. Even if it's not huge or garish, they'll love it. But it can never be too big. Yes, that's what she said.

Good luck with the shopping kids. You're going to need it.

I'd Have Voted For This Rudy

It's tonight.  Can you feel it?  The most important television event ever.  Yup, it's Rudolph.  Per uzh.  And just because they've been showing it since 1964, don't think you can miss it.  If you do miss it, your head might explode.  It's been known to happen.  I read about in on the interwebs somewhere.  I lost the link.  Sorry.

And don't think you can just watch it on DVD.  If you do that you'll miss the commercials.  And then you won't buy stuff for Xmas.  And then the terrorists win.  Besides Santa sliding down a hill on an electric shaver never gets old.

Anyway to whet your collective appetites, here's a little list for you.  You knew we'd eventually get here.

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

10) Named to Barack Obama's transition team

9) Still has bitter feelings toward Bambi after working as his stunt double

8) Accused Yukon Cornelius of "naughty touch"

7) Has a restraining order against King Moonracer

6) Even more bitter than the Cavemen after losing out to a gecko for that car insurance advert

5) Frequently "dive bombs" Superman's Fortress of Solitude after Mrs. Claus' infamous taco night

4) Had nosed fixed in expensive rhinoplasty after Yukon Cornelius settlement

3) Shot at from a helicopter by Sarah Palin

2) Considers Mrs. Claus his bff.  Santa?  Not so much.

1) Still won't let Hermey touch his teeth

Enjoy the big show tonight, kids.

Tutti Rudi

Yes, I know I've written about this before. And before. I can't help it that the best thing I've ever written on this here blog is stupid stuff about clay. Suck it, monkeys. It's not a re-run; it's a classic.

But the best Xmas special in the entire world is on tomorrow (Wednesday) night at 8 PM on CBS (check local listings). Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is older than me!

It's that great/crappy claymation and a great drinking game. Take a sip every time Rudolph's nose lights up to play "He Lights, You're Lit." It's a classic.

I've seen this show way too many times and can actually do most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of any houseguests). And I have an appreciation for the various subtexts of the show. Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer depicts the common literary theme regarding the struggle of man against

There are also, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?
• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?
• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern educational system. Despite his superior flying skills, Rudolph is ostracized because of his infatuation with Clarice. Detail the homo-erotic undertones in the Reindeer Flight Practice.
• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? Throughout the entire show, it is appropriate to yell, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius!"
• Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits?
• All the elf women are identical. Is this an argument for cloning and stem cell research?
• Clarice's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?
• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?
• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?
• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities? Transgendered? PMS?
• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. King Moonracer is a caricature of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies. Discuss other examples of the Island of Misfit Toys undermining U.S. Foreign Policy.
• Rudolph's Mother and Clarice are initially denied joining in the search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?
• The worst snowstorm ever is an indictment of global warming. Do reindeer seem a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?
• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?
• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left?
• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Is he gay also? Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?
• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Does he pull the Bumble's teeth out to allow greater oral gratification? Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?
• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?
• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at problems and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?
• Santa "delivers" the toys by throwing them from his sled. Yet the BirdFish who we have learned earlier is unable to fly is not given an umbrella and is instead thrown to his death from Santa's sleigh. Is this an indictment against genetic mutations?

Have fun tomorrow, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up. This only makes the intellectual discussions more animated.

Blue Christmas

Well, it's finally here. Despite what the retailers have been shoving done your throat since Halloween, it's now safe to discuss Christmas without receiving a boot to the head.

Go ahead and start listening to that lame FM station that only plays carols, it's safe now.

And in Scotland, they're celebrating St. Andrews Day. By painting the sheep blue. Really. That's the celebratory baa boys over there.

The reason for this dye job according to the sheepmaster Andrew Jack is that St. Andrew is the patron saint of Scotland and that blue is the national color of Scotland. And while it's not in the article, I'm guessing liquor was involved. Probably Scotch.

Whatever.

Here in the States, you should be hard at work on your Amazon wish list for all those obscure items you need friends and family to buy you. Because it's up to us consumers to bail out the economy. If you're not giving, and giving extravagantly, the terrorists win. And our economy will suck.

So get out there and get shopping. It's only the rampant consumerism and endless repetition of holiday specials that makes the season meaningful.

Here's my list so far:

• Every Xbox 360 game released between Oct. 31 and Dec. 24
• Radioactive spider traps (how else am I going to get my super powers)
• A real live football team for Detroit (clearly, the Lions aren't working out this year)
• A singing Elvis robot
• Bacon Tuxedo (so classy for that New Year's event)
• Some sweet pirate stuff

Oh, and I'll probably want some stupid stuff too.

What do you want for xmas, kids?

Turkey in the Straw

I realize that we've discussed on prior occasions the joy that is the Thanksgiving prank.

But I have heard about a new one for your turkey this year.

Cut an onion in half.  Loosen the skin on the breast of your turkey.  Slide in the onion halves on opposing sides of the breast bone.  Viola, your own baked in implants.

As the turkey cooks, the onions stay in place and you can provide your bird with a statuesque profile.

Enjoy the day kids.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I don't want to pile on the Detroit Lions. Well, yes, I do. One of the worst franchises in all of sports. Run by a rich, old owner who apparently doesn't give a damn about whether the team wins or loses. Currently winless in the NFL and with a chance at history as the first team to go 0 and 16 in a season.

Enjoy your first loss of the season Tennessee Titans. Don't worry, you'll get right back on track with the Lions this Thursday.

How bad is it for the Lions?

After the loss to Tampa Bay on Sunday (including blowing a 17 point lead), fans have taken to half-naked wrestling in the parking lot.

Enjoy.



Boy, those guys could use a Lipovox prescription couldn't they?

Pretty Fry for a White Guy

As threatened, in advance of the official US Turkey day, here are some snaps from the illicit, non-league sanctioned Turkey Day we did in advance of my departure to Mexico.

We actually cooked two birds: one injected with Creole Butter, the other just plain.

This is the Initial Danger Phase. I'm dropping the bird into oil that's about 375 F.

You cook that bad boy for 3.5 minutes per pound. And because you try to use a bird that's no bigger than 12 pounds (or you'll send that hot oil over the sides of the pot and onto the propane flame), it's typically done in about 45 mins or less.

Get your appetite suppressant because this is what he looks like before the diners tear into it.

That leg looks a little askew as I was trying to get him out of the oil and into the serving tray with a little too much vigor apparently.

It was well received. At least this picture would indicate.

Yeah, not much left. And one guy in our group made the turkey his screen saver. That's high praise from the geek squad.

Try not to make snarky comments about Meemaw's really dry turkey on Thursday. Just think about that frozen turkey pot pie and bottle of Wild Turkey you have waiting for you at home.

So what's everyone else's plans for Thursday? Other than watching the Lions get blown out of course.

Vacation All I Ever Wanted

Sorry, folks. Blog's closed. Moose out front should have told you.

Yes, Wife and I are even now winging our way southward to a land of mystery, ancient ruins and boat drinks. Not in that order of course.

In the meantime, you can review some of my silly shit greatest hits in the archives over there.

Don't worry, intertube friends. I'll be back in a week and writing about boobies and bacon and other nonsense before you know it.

Later ya'll.

Fryday

While some of you are probably still recovering from your Halloween induced diabetic coma, some of us are on to bigger and better things. Like Thanksgiving.


Is there any better salute to gluttony than Turkey Day? For our non-North American readers out there, Thanksgiving is the day we celebrate what we have by gorging ourselves with food. It was started by the Pilgrims who celebrated surviving the godawful weather of the Northeast by taking the Native American's land but letting them have casinos. While the tradition has evolved some over the years, every Thanksgiving Americans gather together to watch a parade, hope a balloon gets loose, watch the Lions lose and re-enact the first scene of Se7en.


So at work today, we're having a little pot luck celebration in advance of Thanksgiving. This reporter will be frying a turkey. Because nothing says thanks like 4 gallons of hot oil. It's the danger that makes it so delicious.


I may just have to run down to the store and pick up a little bacon while I'm at it.

Happy Friday, kids! Anyone else up to anything good today?


Oh and you'd better go read that diet pill review after all that food.

Once Bit Twice Shy

If you recently got a law degree from Baylor University, you're in some august company. No matter what the employment industry says, we can never have too many lawyers.

This lawyer is special though. He's a dog.

Yes, Skeeter, a black labrador retriever, has been "attending" law school with his mistress Amy Jones ever since she was injured in an accident. Too bad he's not a beagle. Because then he'd be a legal, ah nevermind. Way too easy.

When Amy got her law degree, Skeeter also received an honorary degree. Awww, I'm sure he's a big sweetie. Please say that aloud in your best dog voice just to annoy your fellow cube dwellers.

And according to the story, sometimes Skeeter would even growl during a professor's lecture. Personally, I'd have used that growl to scare the profs off from calling on me. Or maybe just a little errant tinkle to let the prof know how much we appreciate their attempts at humor. Yes, I'm talking to you, Professor Dobbs.

I wonder what kind of cases Skeeter will take?

• Dog bites (of course, he's a natural)
• Divorce (wouldn't you like to sic an attack dog on your soon to be ex?)
• Drug possession prosecution (he can sniff out the guilty party)
• Principal & Agency (he's used to dealing with the discharge of a fiduciary duty)
• Medical Malpractice (who'd be better at dealing with doctors than someone who's been neutered?)

He'd be a lousy negotiator though. You could get anything you want if you just rub his belly. Surprisingly, this is the same tactic the NFL used with former Player's Association executive director, Gene Upshaw.

Every Picture Tells a Thousand Stories

If you're going to be anywhere near Hailey, Idaho, be sure to check out the Chester Jakes restaurant in the Mint Bar. Because that's where all the action was happening on Halloween. At least for Lori Brutsche-Ely.

It seems Lori was having a bit of fun on Halloween when it got out of control.


When a security guard told her he'd called the cops (and my favorite security guard joke: "Stop or I'll yell stop again!") Lori decided that would be the perfect time to take off her clothes in the bar.


Then when the cops came to get her, she punched one in the chest. That's typically a beating. Even if you are nakey.


Then when she got to the jail, she bit a deputy (bad dog, grrrrr). I suggest going with either the always popular "I pay your salary!" or frequent use of the term Barney.


Oh, and then Lori managed to set off the fire sprinkler and flood her cell. That's the trifecta.

You may also be shocked to learn that alcohol was involved. I'm very surprised given that mug shot above. That will make a great Xmas card.


Pat Dailey said it best. You don't have to be drunk to be an asshole. But it sure helps.

Parents Just Don't Understand

To the growing list of Things I Don't Get:

1. Twittering Kitties
2. Watching other people do things on tv that you can do in real life (dancing, card playing, being talentless)
3. Why the airlines hate us
4. The hubbub over gay marriage
5. Why anyone wants the key word hotel las vegas
6. The NFL Network
7. The Big Ten Network
8. Excessively Ostentatious Greed
9. Weezer
10. Any High School Musical
11. People Who Put Up Xmas Lights Before Thanksgiving
12. The Bailout
13. Amy Winehouse
14. How they decide what movies get made
15. Why people cheer for Kobe Bryant
16. Women's fascination with shoes and jewelry
17. Men's fascination with televised sports
18. Why Tony Kornheiser still lives
19. Why AIG Executives still live
20. How Alan Greenspan got so dumb so quickly
21. Why commercial radio sucks
22. How people live without an iPod
23. Why only 4 out of 5 dentist recommend sugar free gum
24. Rachel Ray's laugh
25. Why we don't get Veteran's Day off
26. Why we don't get 9/11 off
27. Organized religion
28. The mind of an Engineer
29. Who invented liquid soap and why
30. The Detroit Lions ineptitude

That is all. Please return to your appointed toil. Thank you.

I Want to Hold Your Hand

In what is surely one of the best headlines of the year (bless you CNN):

Women germier than men, study finds

Apparently, for some articles the interns get to do the headlines. I mean "germier?" And the needless comma? Couldn't the study just have been the noun. But I guess anytime you can make up a word like germier, you go with it. If you say it like its French, it sounds a little classier. And may actually be a new hair product.

Anyhoo, by taking DNA from the palms of 51 college students, researchers determined that women (at least in this study) have more bacteria on their palms than men. Mmm, I wonder if they found anything other than bacteria on the palms of male college students? Yeah, probably ink.

The average hand has 150 species of bacteria. EVERYBODY PANIC. And put down that Egg McMuffin.

Scientists aren't sure why women have more bacteria on their hands. It may be because male skin is more acidic or some other scientific mumbo jumbo about sweat glands. The end of it is, they don't know. But I do and I'll tell you. I learned it long ago in in third grade.

GIRLS ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL COOTIES EVERYWHERE

This is your only defense.

Now enjoy the weekend, kids. And go wash your hands before supper.

Backfield in Motion

You'll probably want to go ahead and set up your Swivel Search for this now. If you hadn't heard, Keyshawn Johnson is getting his own tv show.

Who, you may be asking, the hell is Keyshawn Johnson?

He's a current talking head on ESPN after having been a wide receiver in the NFL for 11 years. He played for the Jets, Cowboys, Buccaneers and Panthers if you care for some reason. He was kind of famous for a while for yelling at another player on the sideline of a game. I think he may also have invented the Plantar Fasciitis injury. He eventually pissed off his coach so much (Jon Gruden aka Chuckie) that Gruden made him inactive for the last 8 games of the season to teach him a lesson. Obviously one that didn't take.

Anyway the show is called Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design. Yup, Keyshawn is going to get a tv show about interior design. It'll be on A&E with that lot of home improvement shows. I don't watch as I don't crave depression.

You may be asking, why what are Keyshawn's qualifications as an interior designer? Well he did attend USC and got a degree in history in 1996 (if you believe TV Guide anyway). And he has stayed in "some of the best hotels in the world" and read some architecture books. So that probably makes him as qualified to do interior design as it does to announce for ESPN.

Anyhoo, before we adopted the tactic of excessive punctuation for tv show titles (you know, like Denise Richards: It's Complicated or Nip/Tuck), here was the short list of show titles for Keyshawn:

• Tschotckeyshawns
• Inferior Lineman
• Tackling Chapter 7
• Trojan House Design
• Footballers to the Wall
• A Buccaneer in my Buckin' Home
• Referee Shui
• Decorate Man Line
• Football Fantasy Retreat
• Design With Your Inner Johnson

I'm sure Keyshawn will bring many bold ideas to home design. Things like excessive use of decorative pom poms, urinals, that locker room smell and Personal Seat Licenses for your couch. Oops, I think Danny Snyder just stole that idea to make me watch Redskins games at home.

If you have any other ideas for Keyshawn's new show, pass them along to him directly. I'm sure they'll appreciate all the feedback.

Dirt Devil Went Down To Georgia?

We can all hop off the political treadmills now. We can start ignoring the erectile dysfunction and furniture sale commercials instead of the political commercials. Hope your candidate/proposal won and that you voted for him, her or it as many times as you could.


Now that the pesky political process is out of the way for a while, we can get down to important news: Weird Stuff in Michigan. Yes, there is more going on back in Michigan than Kwame being in the joint, additional sext messages getting released and Chrysler joining GM. It's time for important news.


In Saginaw, police arrested a man for having sex with a vacuum cleaner. I'll say that one more time while you clean the Diet Coke off your computer monitor. Police arrested a man for "receiving sexual favors" from a vacuum cleaner. At a car wash. At 6:45 in the morning. Yes, there's a lot going on there.


We can probably all agree you've got to really want it if you're up to those kind of hijinx before 7:00 in the morning. Wonder if he was late to work at the comic book store?

And you know that vacuum cleaner probably wanted it.

With that conveniently located change machine and wide open mouth. Clearly, this is consensual. I wonder what a man and a vacuum cleaner could have been doing? Hmmm, maybe someone can enlighten me. Probably his car mats.


Now granted, I've never been aroused by industrial car wash equipment so I can't really relate to this young man. But if you're into that and you're 29 years old, you probably live in your parent's basement and have never kissed a girl.


So trust me, young pre-vert. Wait for a real live girl. They're much more fun to cuddle with at 6:45 am and you won't need 4 quarters.