Wooly Bully

Well thanks to the commies in North Carolina, we're going to be forced to sell the Great Lakes to Canada. If only MSU had won the ball game. Oh, well. I'm sure we'll all soon get used to drinking our own urine out of the recyclers soon.

How bad is it in Michigan now? Well, we're arguing about Bull Mastiff sperm. In divorce court of course.

It's true. In Oakland County (that's the ritzy suburb outside of Detroit) a couple is arguing over who owns the sperm of their three dogs Cyrus, Reg and Romeo. Go figure Romeo is a lover and not a fighter.

So when you think maybe your job really sucks this weekend. Just remember that you could be harvesting Bull Mastiff semen in Michigan.

Man, and my dogs follow me all over the house now. Isn't the dog supposed to be man's best friend? But that probably is one way to get your dog to finally quiet down and take a nap. Hope they don't let those Big Sweeties smoke afterward.

I'll spare you any lame jokes about divorce cases being a real dog fight. You're welcome.

Have a good weekend, kids.

Come Monday

This is an amazing week to be a sports fan.

The final game of the Final Four is tonight. And luckily, the State of Michigan's very own Michigan State Spartans are playing in the finals.

And if you haven't been watching the games, you're letting the terrorists win.

Because the story is, no matter what is going on in the game, that Michigan State is playing for the entire State and the entire U.S. economy. And I thought they just wanted to win or something so they can get even more money and fast cars and cheerleader tail. But no, they're an inspiration and you will be inspired dammit!

How bad has it gotten in Michigan? Well they've started to steal horse hair.

In Livingston County, Michigan, some cut off the manes and tails of an "undetermined number of horses." You've got to admit that times are really, really tough when you don't even know many bald horses you own. And apparently can't even be bothered to try to count them. I'm sure these bandits won't evade the police furlong. Mr. Ed is already being sought for questioning. Hay, wait a minute. This sounds like a load of crap.

Now I don't know what kind of sick perverts live in Michigan. Actually I do. They're called cousins. But when some struggling artist type goes all Sweeney Todd on some poor equine just to be able to make some brushes, things are bad. Which is why you have to be rooting for Michigan State tonight. At least if you believe the media. Which you shouldn't.

But the other good thing about this week is that baseball starts. That's right, the Cubs are moving into their second consecutive century of finding new and creative ways to disappoint their fans.

And the Masters begins. Which is on CBS if you hadn't noticed the incessant commercials during the basketball. And some guy named Tiger is playing. Never heard of him. But if you are rooting for Tiger, you might also want to cheer for Bill Gates to make money.

So enjoy the rest of the sporting week, kids. Hockey playoffs next week. My condolences.

Dirt Devil Went Down To Georgia?

We can all hop off the political treadmills now. We can start ignoring the erectile dysfunction and furniture sale commercials instead of the political commercials. Hope your candidate/proposal won and that you voted for him, her or it as many times as you could.


Now that the pesky political process is out of the way for a while, we can get down to important news: Weird Stuff in Michigan. Yes, there is more going on back in Michigan than Kwame being in the joint, additional sext messages getting released and Chrysler joining GM. It's time for important news.


In Saginaw, police arrested a man for having sex with a vacuum cleaner. I'll say that one more time while you clean the Diet Coke off your computer monitor. Police arrested a man for "receiving sexual favors" from a vacuum cleaner. At a car wash. At 6:45 in the morning. Yes, there's a lot going on there.


We can probably all agree you've got to really want it if you're up to those kind of hijinx before 7:00 in the morning. Wonder if he was late to work at the comic book store?

And you know that vacuum cleaner probably wanted it.

With that conveniently located change machine and wide open mouth. Clearly, this is consensual. I wonder what a man and a vacuum cleaner could have been doing? Hmmm, maybe someone can enlighten me. Probably his car mats.


Now granted, I've never been aroused by industrial car wash equipment so I can't really relate to this young man. But if you're into that and you're 29 years old, you probably live in your parent's basement and have never kissed a girl.


So trust me, young pre-vert. Wait for a real live girl. They're much more fun to cuddle with at 6:45 am and you won't need 4 quarters.

Dancing In the Streets

Detroit, your long-suffering national nightmare is finally over.

No, not a City Council under FBI investigation for irregularities in a sludge contract.

No, not the indictment and resignation of a mayor who sexted messages to his Chief of Staff.

No, not a Councilmember who screams at the media for being evil.

Matt Millen has finally been fired as the Lions President and General Manager.

Matt, I'm sure that 31-84 record you've had with the Lions in the last 7 years (worst in the NFL by the way) will look good on a resume when you apply to the Raiders.

Anything From the Smashing Pumpkins

Oh, Michigan. How I miss you sometimes.

Is it your felonious Playa Mayar from Detroit (only charged with 10 felonies) or your leading the nation in both murders and #2 in home foreclosures or that your City Council is under FBI investigation? Maybe it's all of them that makes you so fascinating and interesting and horrible at the same time.

So this little true crime tip comes to us from far off Lansing where a woman was crushed in a trash compactor at a Goodwill store.

It seems Tyree Monique Tate was fleeing from the authorities after shoplifting some stuff from the TJ Maxx at the Lansing Mall. Unfortunately, she chose to hide in the trash compactor outside the Goodwill store. What could go wrong with that plan? I guess she couldn't get the door to the incinerator open.

I'm pretty disappointed in the Lansing State Journal though. They just went with "Woman dies of injuries after being crushed in trash compactor" for the headline.

They really missed an opportunity here.

How about:

• Good Will Crunching
• Shoplifter Flatlines
• Crook Flees TJ Mash
• Cops Take Out Shoplifting Trash
• Cops Capture Compaction Criminal
• Flatfoots Field Flattened Felon
• Women's Family Crushed by Accident
• Police Pinch Planar Perpetrator
• Good Guys Grab Garbage Getaway
• Pressing Engagement with Justice
• Police Put the Squeeze on Scofflaw

I'm sure there are others. And hey, if you can't have a little fun with a future Darwin Award winner, who can you make fun of?

She's a Man Eater

In Flint, Michigan, now that police have put a stop to the scofflaws that were wearing their pants too baggy, they've even got a more difficult case to crack.

Now I have been known to wear my pants baggy. Not because I'm a thugg, but rather because I'm a slack ass and know that spandex makes everyone look like a snausage. Except Micheal Phelps. Bastard.

But kids, do you know where the whole baggy pants thing came from. Okay, besides Charlie Chaplin. That's right. In prison. Wearing your pants baggy was a means of advertising that you were a pitcher. Now if that's the form of self-expression you wish to make with your fashion choices, so be it. And I know a great restaurant for you.

Back to Flint, figuratively speaking of course, we're lucky in that regard. Anyhoo because everything else good has been stolen, in Flint the scofflaws have resorted to stealing the manholes. And the grates. Over 600 manholes and grates have been stolen over the past year.

Now I don't want to say that the Michigan politicians have run the gas guzzling economy into the ground, but the average manhole only goes for about $20 at a scrap yard. So I've got to think that the physical industry that goes into a manhole caper isn't really paying off that much. You've got to have at least 2 guys to lift the thing and one of those pry bars to get it open. And a truck to getaway in. This is not a crime of spontaneity. You've got to plan your hole heist. Sewer line plans obtained at the library. Cover of darkness to make off with your ill gotten loot. A scrap man who doesn't ask too many questions. If he knows what's good for him....

Seriously Flint Holers, think about a life of white collar crime. You make more money, it's a federal rap which means a much better prison and you can network with your fellow inmates.

Besides, in Japan they have really awesome manhole covers. I'm just saying.

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Prom

I got nothing today, kids. I stayed up too late watching the Dead Things gack up a lead to the Pigpens, so I'm stealing leveraging from Uncle Dave. Suck it, Gonchar. I hope the Pens need medical alert bracelets reading WARNING NO TEETH. At least I'm not bitter about the overtime loss at home.

Anyhoo, here's it is.

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT YOUR PROM

10) "This year's theme -- Midnight at Gitmo."

9. "For tonight I'm not the cafeteria lady, I'm just Kate."

8. "They were out of corsages, so I got you a mustache comb."

7. "Hope you don't mind the costume, but I have Iron Man fever!"

6. "Sorry I'm late. I was at lamaze class."

5. "Help... bow tie... too tight... can't breathe!"

4. "We're cancelling the rest of the prom to give you a taste of the bitter disappointment you'll experience in your adult life."

3. "I spent $400 on the tuxedo, $600 for the limo and $800 for the gasoline. You're putting out all right."

2. "Your carnation really brings out the red in your acne."

1. "Congratulations, Glen -- you're prom queen."

Annie, Get Your Gun

If you're near Capac, Michigan, keep your head down as the lead is flying.

As the Lansing State Journal so eloquently put it:

Officers arrest Mich. man accused of shooting chief, deputy

Of course this was after the cops had staked out his empty house for 5 hours. Nice work, boys.

While in police custody, Don Burke said that while he may have shot the chief, he definitely did not shoot the deputy. Oh, yeah.

If you think that's too far to go just for a cheap pop culture/song reference, get off of my cloud.