Turkey in the Straw

I realize that we've discussed on prior occasions the joy that is the Thanksgiving prank.

But I have heard about a new one for your turkey this year.

Cut an onion in half.  Loosen the skin on the breast of your turkey.  Slide in the onion halves on opposing sides of the breast bone.  Viola, your own baked in implants.

As the turkey cooks, the onions stay in place and you can provide your bird with a statuesque profile.

Enjoy the day kids.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I don't want to pile on the Detroit Lions. Well, yes, I do. One of the worst franchises in all of sports. Run by a rich, old owner who apparently doesn't give a damn about whether the team wins or loses. Currently winless in the NFL and with a chance at history as the first team to go 0 and 16 in a season.

Enjoy your first loss of the season Tennessee Titans. Don't worry, you'll get right back on track with the Lions this Thursday.

How bad is it for the Lions?

After the loss to Tampa Bay on Sunday (including blowing a 17 point lead), fans have taken to half-naked wrestling in the parking lot.

Enjoy.



Boy, those guys could use a Lipovox prescription couldn't they?

Pretty Fry for a White Guy

As threatened, in advance of the official US Turkey day, here are some snaps from the illicit, non-league sanctioned Turkey Day we did in advance of my departure to Mexico.

We actually cooked two birds: one injected with Creole Butter, the other just plain.

This is the Initial Danger Phase. I'm dropping the bird into oil that's about 375 F.

You cook that bad boy for 3.5 minutes per pound. And because you try to use a bird that's no bigger than 12 pounds (or you'll send that hot oil over the sides of the pot and onto the propane flame), it's typically done in about 45 mins or less.

Get your appetite suppressant because this is what he looks like before the diners tear into it.

That leg looks a little askew as I was trying to get him out of the oil and into the serving tray with a little too much vigor apparently.

It was well received. At least this picture would indicate.

Yeah, not much left. And one guy in our group made the turkey his screen saver. That's high praise from the geek squad.

Try not to make snarky comments about Meemaw's really dry turkey on Thursday. Just think about that frozen turkey pot pie and bottle of Wild Turkey you have waiting for you at home.

So what's everyone else's plans for Thursday? Other than watching the Lions get blown out of course.

Vacation All I Ever Wanted

Sorry, folks. Blog's closed. Moose out front should have told you.

Yes, Wife and I are even now winging our way southward to a land of mystery, ancient ruins and boat drinks. Not in that order of course.

In the meantime, you can review some of my silly shit greatest hits in the archives over there.

Don't worry, intertube friends. I'll be back in a week and writing about boobies and bacon and other nonsense before you know it.

Later ya'll.

Fryday

While some of you are probably still recovering from your Halloween induced diabetic coma, some of us are on to bigger and better things. Like Thanksgiving.


Is there any better salute to gluttony than Turkey Day? For our non-North American readers out there, Thanksgiving is the day we celebrate what we have by gorging ourselves with food. It was started by the Pilgrims who celebrated surviving the godawful weather of the Northeast by taking the Native American's land but letting them have casinos. While the tradition has evolved some over the years, every Thanksgiving Americans gather together to watch a parade, hope a balloon gets loose, watch the Lions lose and re-enact the first scene of Se7en.


So at work today, we're having a little pot luck celebration in advance of Thanksgiving. This reporter will be frying a turkey. Because nothing says thanks like 4 gallons of hot oil. It's the danger that makes it so delicious.


I may just have to run down to the store and pick up a little bacon while I'm at it.

Happy Friday, kids! Anyone else up to anything good today?


Oh and you'd better go read that diet pill review after all that food.

Once Bit Twice Shy

If you recently got a law degree from Baylor University, you're in some august company. No matter what the employment industry says, we can never have too many lawyers.

This lawyer is special though. He's a dog.

Yes, Skeeter, a black labrador retriever, has been "attending" law school with his mistress Amy Jones ever since she was injured in an accident. Too bad he's not a beagle. Because then he'd be a legal, ah nevermind. Way too easy.

When Amy got her law degree, Skeeter also received an honorary degree. Awww, I'm sure he's a big sweetie. Please say that aloud in your best dog voice just to annoy your fellow cube dwellers.

And according to the story, sometimes Skeeter would even growl during a professor's lecture. Personally, I'd have used that growl to scare the profs off from calling on me. Or maybe just a little errant tinkle to let the prof know how much we appreciate their attempts at humor. Yes, I'm talking to you, Professor Dobbs.

I wonder what kind of cases Skeeter will take?

• Dog bites (of course, he's a natural)
• Divorce (wouldn't you like to sic an attack dog on your soon to be ex?)
• Drug possession prosecution (he can sniff out the guilty party)
• Principal & Agency (he's used to dealing with the discharge of a fiduciary duty)
• Medical Malpractice (who'd be better at dealing with doctors than someone who's been neutered?)

He'd be a lousy negotiator though. You could get anything you want if you just rub his belly. Surprisingly, this is the same tactic the NFL used with former Player's Association executive director, Gene Upshaw.

Every Picture Tells a Thousand Stories

If you're going to be anywhere near Hailey, Idaho, be sure to check out the Chester Jakes restaurant in the Mint Bar. Because that's where all the action was happening on Halloween. At least for Lori Brutsche-Ely.

It seems Lori was having a bit of fun on Halloween when it got out of control.


When a security guard told her he'd called the cops (and my favorite security guard joke: "Stop or I'll yell stop again!") Lori decided that would be the perfect time to take off her clothes in the bar.


Then when the cops came to get her, she punched one in the chest. That's typically a beating. Even if you are nakey.


Then when she got to the jail, she bit a deputy (bad dog, grrrrr). I suggest going with either the always popular "I pay your salary!" or frequent use of the term Barney.


Oh, and then Lori managed to set off the fire sprinkler and flood her cell. That's the trifecta.

You may also be shocked to learn that alcohol was involved. I'm very surprised given that mug shot above. That will make a great Xmas card.


Pat Dailey said it best. You don't have to be drunk to be an asshole. But it sure helps.

Parents Just Don't Understand

To the growing list of Things I Don't Get:

1. Twittering Kitties
2. Watching other people do things on tv that you can do in real life (dancing, card playing, being talentless)
3. Why the airlines hate us
4. The hubbub over gay marriage
5. Why anyone wants the key word hotel las vegas
6. The NFL Network
7. The Big Ten Network
8. Excessively Ostentatious Greed
9. Weezer
10. Any High School Musical
11. People Who Put Up Xmas Lights Before Thanksgiving
12. The Bailout
13. Amy Winehouse
14. How they decide what movies get made
15. Why people cheer for Kobe Bryant
16. Women's fascination with shoes and jewelry
17. Men's fascination with televised sports
18. Why Tony Kornheiser still lives
19. Why AIG Executives still live
20. How Alan Greenspan got so dumb so quickly
21. Why commercial radio sucks
22. How people live without an iPod
23. Why only 4 out of 5 dentist recommend sugar free gum
24. Rachel Ray's laugh
25. Why we don't get Veteran's Day off
26. Why we don't get 9/11 off
27. Organized religion
28. The mind of an Engineer
29. Who invented liquid soap and why
30. The Detroit Lions ineptitude

That is all. Please return to your appointed toil. Thank you.

I Want to Hold Your Hand

In what is surely one of the best headlines of the year (bless you CNN):

Women germier than men, study finds

Apparently, for some articles the interns get to do the headlines. I mean "germier?" And the needless comma? Couldn't the study just have been the noun. But I guess anytime you can make up a word like germier, you go with it. If you say it like its French, it sounds a little classier. And may actually be a new hair product.

Anyhoo, by taking DNA from the palms of 51 college students, researchers determined that women (at least in this study) have more bacteria on their palms than men. Mmm, I wonder if they found anything other than bacteria on the palms of male college students? Yeah, probably ink.

The average hand has 150 species of bacteria. EVERYBODY PANIC. And put down that Egg McMuffin.

Scientists aren't sure why women have more bacteria on their hands. It may be because male skin is more acidic or some other scientific mumbo jumbo about sweat glands. The end of it is, they don't know. But I do and I'll tell you. I learned it long ago in in third grade.

GIRLS ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL COOTIES EVERYWHERE

This is your only defense.

Now enjoy the weekend, kids. And go wash your hands before supper.

Backfield in Motion

You'll probably want to go ahead and set up your Swivel Search for this now. If you hadn't heard, Keyshawn Johnson is getting his own tv show.

Who, you may be asking, the hell is Keyshawn Johnson?

He's a current talking head on ESPN after having been a wide receiver in the NFL for 11 years. He played for the Jets, Cowboys, Buccaneers and Panthers if you care for some reason. He was kind of famous for a while for yelling at another player on the sideline of a game. I think he may also have invented the Plantar Fasciitis injury. He eventually pissed off his coach so much (Jon Gruden aka Chuckie) that Gruden made him inactive for the last 8 games of the season to teach him a lesson. Obviously one that didn't take.

Anyway the show is called Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design. Yup, Keyshawn is going to get a tv show about interior design. It'll be on A&E with that lot of home improvement shows. I don't watch as I don't crave depression.

You may be asking, why what are Keyshawn's qualifications as an interior designer? Well he did attend USC and got a degree in history in 1996 (if you believe TV Guide anyway). And he has stayed in "some of the best hotels in the world" and read some architecture books. So that probably makes him as qualified to do interior design as it does to announce for ESPN.

Anyhoo, before we adopted the tactic of excessive punctuation for tv show titles (you know, like Denise Richards: It's Complicated or Nip/Tuck), here was the short list of show titles for Keyshawn:

• Tschotckeyshawns
• Inferior Lineman
• Tackling Chapter 7
• Trojan House Design
• Footballers to the Wall
• A Buccaneer in my Buckin' Home
• Referee Shui
• Decorate Man Line
• Football Fantasy Retreat
• Design With Your Inner Johnson

I'm sure Keyshawn will bring many bold ideas to home design. Things like excessive use of decorative pom poms, urinals, that locker room smell and Personal Seat Licenses for your couch. Oops, I think Danny Snyder just stole that idea to make me watch Redskins games at home.

If you have any other ideas for Keyshawn's new show, pass them along to him directly. I'm sure they'll appreciate all the feedback.

Dirt Devil Went Down To Georgia?

We can all hop off the political treadmills now. We can start ignoring the erectile dysfunction and furniture sale commercials instead of the political commercials. Hope your candidate/proposal won and that you voted for him, her or it as many times as you could.


Now that the pesky political process is out of the way for a while, we can get down to important news: Weird Stuff in Michigan. Yes, there is more going on back in Michigan than Kwame being in the joint, additional sext messages getting released and Chrysler joining GM. It's time for important news.


In Saginaw, police arrested a man for having sex with a vacuum cleaner. I'll say that one more time while you clean the Diet Coke off your computer monitor. Police arrested a man for "receiving sexual favors" from a vacuum cleaner. At a car wash. At 6:45 in the morning. Yes, there's a lot going on there.


We can probably all agree you've got to really want it if you're up to those kind of hijinx before 7:00 in the morning. Wonder if he was late to work at the comic book store?

And you know that vacuum cleaner probably wanted it.

With that conveniently located change machine and wide open mouth. Clearly, this is consensual. I wonder what a man and a vacuum cleaner could have been doing? Hmmm, maybe someone can enlighten me. Probably his car mats.


Now granted, I've never been aroused by industrial car wash equipment so I can't really relate to this young man. But if you're into that and you're 29 years old, you probably live in your parent's basement and have never kissed a girl.


So trust me, young pre-vert. Wait for a real live girl. They're much more fun to cuddle with at 6:45 am and you won't need 4 quarters.

Do That To Me One More Time

Remember, if you don't vote, you're a moron.

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Is there anything sadder than taking down Halloween decorations? Screw it. I'm just going to leave the tree up in the office.

It may be sadder to see how many of those Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrappers wound up on the floor. No wonder I smell peanut butter everywhere.

You'll be unhappy to know that police were out in force this weekend. Yes, they managed to snag the scofflaws in Boulder. The headline of the year is probably:

Naked pumpkin runners ticketed in Colorado

You can have my pumpkin when you pry it from my cold, dead, naked hand. I don't know how they can charge these people with a crime. They won't even have identification.

And don't worry kids, only 1 more day of election crap. You'll be glad to know that the Salt Lake Tribune doesn't think Barack is the Anti-christ. I'm not making this up. Thanks for clarifying that. I was kind of on the fence, but knowing Obama is not the Anti-Christ makes this a much easier decision.

I avoided the line and already mailed in my ballot. We also have early voting here in Utah. But in Utah I don't think they even count them. We just go red and are done with it. Have fun voting kids!

Now as a reward for doing your civic duty, enjoy this video of the Naked Pumpkin run. Only watch if you're going to vote. It's the honor system. Just like voting in Chicago.

Fashion

As threatened, here are some snaps from the Big Halloween Bash.

The entrance to our Graveyard of Doom.

The cubedwellers one row over turned their row into Oz.  You can kinda see the Tin Man there.  That's the Yellow Brick Road on the floor and it wrapped all the way around their cubes.

Of course, what would Oz be without the Lollipop Guild?

The Tornado that took us to Oz.

Those meddlin' kids are here too.

There's a time for everyone and this time was for The Dude.

Some people go all out. 

Even on their desk.

Whomever owns this, I'm guessing is single.

The Accounting Department has Pac Man fever.

Dressing up your animals is wrong.  But I love Count Dogula.

Part of the denizen of the Graveyard.  That's supposed to be a Candycane, Crazy Cat Lady, Aquaman, SuperBen, and a Convict.

With Indy and a Pirate or two.  That's all of us.

Monster Mash

It's finally here! The most wonderful day of the year. The day we confuse kids who we've warned endlessly not to take candy from strangers are allowed to go door to door whilst costumed and take candy from strangers.

The folks at Datacon where I toil in ignominy take Halloween really seriously. Costume contest, cube decorating contest, pumpkin decorating contest, trick or treating. And all for big, big prizes like Amex gift cards ($250!) and extra vacation days. Yes, they do it up.

That's the entrance to our cubeville over there. We're doing a graveyard theme. Mostly we just sit still at our cubes and barely move. Yes, it's like most weekdays then.

Yeah, we're not accomplishing anything today. Unless you count Twizzlers for breakfast as an accomplishment.

So what did everyone dress up as? I'm Aquaman. Depending upon how embarrasing the pix are, you might be exposed to that later.

Enjoy the candy, kids!

Runaround Sue

It's time to head to Boulder, Colorado for another great Halloween tradition.

Much better than Devil's Night in Detroit where they put the torch to things. Though if a Bear Stearns office were to get torched, I'm sure arson investigators might not be too inclined to bust hump on the case. But I'm not advocating burning out the greedheads, that would be wrong.

So let's focus on happy thoughts. Like naked people running in the streets.

Yes, in Boulder, it's the 10th Annual Naked Pumpkin Run.

Essentially you carve a pumpkin so it fits over your head and then you run nakey down the street. We call those weekends at the Kennedy Compound. Hiyo!

And this does take some planning. You've got to build up enough courage to run around nakey while retaining enough dexterity to carve your pumpkin. That's a delicate balance that eludes most of the streaking drunks I've ever encountered. Then you've got to manage to keep the pumpkin on your head while running around.

While do I have the feeling that out of 150 participants in last year's run, it was 149 guys and one co-ed with low self-esteem?

Let's hope one of our faithful readers can score some snapshots of the, umm, celebration. And not the drunk frat boys.

It's Time to Start the Music

Continuing with the distraction that is All Hallow's Eve, if you're in Germany, a muppet might be a good costume this year.

It seems that an English driver in Germany keeps speeding by the ticketing cameras.
Unfortunately for the cops, because it's an English car, they can't get a shot of the driver.

All they get driver side on the right of the car, they can keep getting a picture of a muppet. And they can't even identify the muppet.

That's him in the passenger seat. Is that Animal, Grover, Ernie, Cookie Monster or a Muppet To Be Named Later?

Or if you don't want to be a muppet, you can always go with the Fireman or the Nurse. Because it turns out those are the two professions which top the list of sexual fantasies in England.

Actually for women, the top fantasy professions are firemen, soldiers, businessmen, doctors then footballers. For men, it's nurses, maids and flight attendants.

So ladies, get out your tea light candles, slip into your maid outfit, accidentally knock a candle over so you have to call the fire department and you're all set.

What's everyone going to dress up as? You've only got 48 hours kids. Check local listings.

I'm a Picking And I'm a Grinning

We'll continue our Halloween theme. That's because I'm hepped up on Pixie Stix and Smartees. Luckily, there's no sugar in Pixie Stix. Wuh?

Instead, we formally present the recipe for Boogers on a Stick.

All you need is a jar of processed cheese, some pretzel rods, green food coloring and some wax paper.

Heat up the jar of processed cheese in some hot water until it's smooth. Add the green food coloring until you reach the color of snot you desire. Dip in your pretzels. Set those on the wax paper to harden up.

Pretty complicated, eh? Remember kids, don't try this at home without adult supervision. And if you just happen to have a jar of processed cheese at your house and don't need to make a special trip out to get one, you probably need to adjust your diet.

Have fun grossing our your friends.

And feel free to share your other disgusting foods just in time for Halloween!

Transylvania 6-5000

From the genius that is Heywood Banks.

To a tune you might recognize.

You better not scream
You'd better be scared
His collar is up
His speech is impaired
Count Dracula is coming to town.

He flies through the night
Flapping his cape
Chewing on necks
He doesn't like stakes
Count Dracula is coming to town.

Now if the sun is shining
You know that he is sleeping
And if you hold a cross to him
It's gonna hurt his feelings

Hot tub of blood
You've seen him on Cribs
Doing that damn
Transylvania Twist
Count Dracula is coming to town

He must use echolocation
To see to fly and land
And if he bites your jugular
Better check your health care plan.

He snoozes in dirt
Hangs from his heels
Dresses in black
Sleeps between meals
Count Dracula is coming to town.

He's got those sharp bicuspids
With those hands so clammy
And if he flies into your room
You're gonna crap your jammies.

Ohhhhhhhh
You'd better not scream
You'd better be scared
His collar is up
His speech is impaired
Count Dracula is coming to town.

On Costuming

Ladies, you're officially on notice. National Dress Like a Hoor (that's two syllables by the way) Day is only a week away. You may know it as Halloween. You get to dress like a slut and no other girl can say anything about it. That's not just me talking. It's from Mean Girls. And since Tina Fey wrote that and may be our next Vice President, it must be true.

So go nuts.

With the right costume people at work may not even know who you are. One of my friends dressed as a cow and got away with walking up to CEO with a baby cow doll and said, "This is your baby." She had the baby cow doll, not the CEO. Of course he might not have known her even if she hadn't been dressed up as a cow but that's not the point.

You get a free pass. You can completely dress like a slut and no one can penalize you for it. You know that dress you think is just a little too tight. Wear it. Don't even think about propriety. Release your inner stripper.

You don't even have to be creative. Just put "naughty" in front of any profession and you've got a costume. Naughty Nurse, Naughty Accountant, Naughty Actuary. Naughty Researcher. Naughty Medical Billing Assistant. Naughty Nun. It doesn't have to make sense. Just be daring.

Sure you have enough sense not to dress like this any other day of the year. But this isn't any other day of the year. This is the day you get to be a little daring, show off the goods and maybe actually even talk to that cute boy down the hall. Because he's going to be dressed like a woman today. Try not to make too much of the latent homosexuality. You can get him to come around. As far as you know.

Now get working on your costume. And if you're lucky, you'll be able to score a glow in the dark kitty to complete the ensemble.



Kitties, they're the ultimate fashion accessory.