Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee

You're probably going to want to go ahead and mark your calendars for this one. Sandra Day O'Connor, yes, that Sandra Day O'Connor, is pimping a video game. I'll let your head catch up here. Yes, a former member of the Supremes is touting a video game to teach kids how courts work.

Sandy Baby said she's involved in the sure to be fabulous projects to show people that judges aren't godless activists. That's right. A lot of them are god-fearing activists. That makes it completely different. Just because some judges choose not to follow the law and instead make up the law and decide who will be the President, that shouldn't make people cynical.

You'll want to go ahead and bookmark the site. Because you're going to want to be playing Sandra's Day in Court as soon as its available. Luckily I know a little something about the interpipes and those darn webby sites so I was able to crack open some of that htemily code and find out all about the game.

• Under their robes, judges have no pants.
• Players have choice of lawyer avatars: sharks, weasels or rats.
• Game halts everytime an ambulance goes by.
• Latin terms used not just to confuse laymen but because it's "so cool."
• Gavels can also be used for cracking walnuts.
• The Scales of Justice should not be used to weigh weed.
• A donation to the Judge's Retirement Fund ensures the next objection goes your way.
• Free speech cases are cool because we get to use curses and watch dirty movies.
• The Supreme Court doesn't actually play any music by the Supremes.
• "Dissing" comes from the word "Dissent" which is Latin for "You're a tool."
• Any time the term Penal Code is used in court, Clarence Thomas giggles.
• Appellate briefs do not involve underwears.
• Not all bailiffs are named "Rusty."
• The Court Stenographer does not appreciate any double entendres using the term dictation.
• Scientific Opinion Witnesses do not like being referred to as "Whores."
• Once on the stand, Police should refrain from gunplay.
• When being sworn in, do not answer the oath with "As far as you know."
• Judge Judy is not on the Supreme Court. Yet.
• Crossing your fingers during testimony does not excuse perjury.
• Catching the Prosecuting Attorney in illicit activity with his Legal Secretary gets an innocent client and a bonus score.

Man I can't wait for this to come out. It'll be almost as good as Law and Order Health Code Violations. I'm out of order? This whole blog is out of order!

Have a good weekend, kids.

Jimmy Crack Corn

Because they've whipped all the other problems in the Midwest, the University of Iowa has cancelled the annual corn on the cob eating contest.

Okay, first who is actually surprised that the Hawkeyes had a corn on the cob eating contest?

But who is surprised that the contest is cancelled because according to nimrod weasel pussy vice president of student services Phillip Jones "promoting eating contests is the same as promoting gluttony."

Because as anyone who has been to a college campus recently has seen the terribly gluttonous student bodies strolling around the campus.

Even worse, the contest is the week long fun fest running up the the Iowa vs. Iowa State game. So the big tradition is ruined. Established in 1847, the contest has been in existence for over 150 years. Currently, Iowa holds a slim 76-74 edge over Iowa State. And making up things is fun.

Because of this terrible tradition tragedy, I'd like to suggest some other replacement contests:

• Beer Pong
• Streaking
• RC airplanes bombing runs of the Administration Building
• Cow tipping
• Hazing
• Corn Holing (not what you think)
• Binge Drinking
• Youth Indoctination
• Applied Bongmaking
• Fake ID Creation
• Marathon Sleeping
• Class Cutting
• 400 yard Dormitory Walk of Shame

I'm sure there are others so feel free to play along at home, kids. Until then, Phillip Jones is placing you all on Double Top Secret Probation.

Pulling an All-Nighter

If there had been more scientific studies like his one, I'd have studied a lot harder:

Educated women have more orgasms

Now I don't know much about keeping kids in school (other than using bigger fences), but it seems like publicizing the results of this study might work.

This was an Australian survey so I don't know if there's been any statistical adjustment for being down under (so to speak). And they used a phone survey with researchers from Sussex University (home of the Crumpet Wagglers) in England and the Universities of Sydney (Foster's Chuggers) and Melbourne (Fightin' Platypi) in Australia.

Now aside from the ancillary benefit of letting researchers ring up unsuspecting folks and subject them to the questions contained in the "Sexual Practices at Last Heterosexual Encounter and Occurrence of Orgasm in a National Survey" survey, there were some interesting findings:

• Men experienced an orgasm during their last sexual encounter 98.4% of the time (that seems low)
• Women experienced an orgasm during their last sexual encounter 68.9% of the time (why didn't they just round up to 69% and have a good snicker)
• 14.2% of respondents experienced an orgasm during the actual survey

Okay, I made that last one up.

It is expected, however, that as a result of the survey, all three schools will have a swelling in their graduate degree programs.

The study also found women were more likely to reach orgasm if they used sex toys or had sex more than twice a week. Well, duh. If you have sex twice a week, you've increased your chance to have an orgasm 100% more than if you had sex just once a week. Despite what you read in Penthouse, there's not a lot of accidental orgasming going on amongst women. That's the fact, Jack regardless of how educated you are. I'm not even going to touch the sex toys, because I don't know where they've been.

I always knew there was a reason I liked smart girls. Now get out there and start studying, ladies.