That's What I Want

As Steve Martin said in his Emmy Award introduction of Tommy Smothers, "I don't use the word genius often. Just thought I'd let you know."

But it actually applies to the folks over at Despair.com. Who knew making fun of those crummy motivational posters could be so fun? And funny.

This one kind of nails it on the head right now.

And I think it's the latter.

Because if you're not mad as hell that AIG took $85 billion dollars in federal bailout money and then turned around and spent $440,000 on a corporate retreat for executives at the St. Regis Resort.

If I actually knew where an AIG office was, I'd go down there with a bat and get some of that money back. Now I can't suggest that you should find an AIG Executive and take a bat to him. That would be illegal. But if you were to come to that conclusion on your own, I don't think there's anything the authorities could do to me. And I'm pretty sure that no jury would convict you.

But then I'm a lover not a fighter.

Whale of a Tale

Sad news today. At Discovery Cove in Orlando, two dolphins collided in mid-air resulting in the death of a 30 year old Atlantic Bottlenose dolphin named Sharky. The other dolphin is fine, but his insurance premiums will be doubling.

Apparently both dolphins were performing a mid air stunt and simply ran into each other while in mid-air. Official say this was just a freak accident.

THIS WAS NO BOATING ACCIDENT

I don’t know what to mako of this. It sounds fishy. Undoubtedly, it happened on porpoise. They probably need to fine tuna their act. I’m guessing that Sharky haddock coming. Probably a case of tank rage. Sharky probably flippered off someone she shouldn’t have. Maybe even catfishing around with someone else’s husband and finally got stung. Stung-ray, that is.

She always had a large mouth and an even bigger bass. She pissed off the wrong ladyfish and things got a roughy. Now her sole is in Davey Jones’ Locker. Thank cod it didn’t happen to you.
And she was only 30, but she never backed down. She was no chicken of the sea. And having been in show biz, at least she was a StarKist.

I better shut up before I get a cutthroat. Shut your mouthbrooder. Hey, I’m just talking 'bout Shad.

A Long Cruel Summer

If you haven't heard, Major League Baseball's Most Liked Player, Barry "It's All About Me" Bonds, is out of a job. So the MLB Player's Association, having cleaned up all the problems like steroids, uppers, mandatory drug rehab, groupies (okay that's really more of a fringe benefit than a problem), candy and ice cream in the clubhouse, and excessive tobacco usage, is investigating whether there is collusion in baseball.

Yup, no one wants Barry and his baggage on his team because of a giant conspiracy amongst the owners. Yes, it's a gigantic master plan orchestrated by business owners to keep a 43 year old sweetheart of a man out of the game despite that he may be going to trial on perjury and obstruction of justice charges.

In fact there are so many well known faces out there in MLB looking for work, that they've been added to the mix as proof that there is collusion in baseball.

This reporter did some digging and talked to various unnamed sources around the league (as far as you know) and here are the real reasons some of these players are out of work.

Barry Bonds -- major asshat, selfish tool, under indictment
Roger Clemens -- alleged roider, won't travel with team, alleged pedophile

Hey a quick interjection. Why is Roger Clemens like blackjack? Because nothing good can happen when you hit on 15. Hiyo. Put her down, Jerry Lee.

Back to the list:

Sammy Sosa -- corked bats, excessive cheerfulness gets irritating over 162 game season
Kenny Lofton -- has to use a walker in the outfield
Mike Piazza -- gay
David Wells -- demands his weight in stadium hot dogs on each day he pitches

I hope that cleared it up for you, Players Union. Now get working on the serious issues like why the Detroit Tigers suck it this year.